Fun with self-harm
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Fun with self-harm
by Glides Tue Oct 11, 2016 4:41 pm
If this gets too explicit, I won't be offended if the mods ban me again. I'm not trying to trigger anyone with what I'm going to be talking about but I do need genuine advice on what to do considering how my mental health is currently spiraling down a drain and I don't really think there's any way to fix myself at this point.
I have a history of self harm as well as suicide attempts. Sometimes the two coincide perfectly with one another. I don't cut like most cases I've heard, I'll just beat myself with my fists and whatever hard objects I can find. I never do any permanent damage as far as I know. No one knows about this, my therapist (who I havent' seen in the past month), my family, no one. Only one person knows about my previous suicide attempts. I attempted to hang myself very recently (within the past week) and that's what got me on edge so much, because this brings me up to six attempts in three years and in none of them I have succeeded.
In the car accident i was in, if I'd been able to move the car a couple feet forward, I would've been t-boned at speeds of 60 MPH or more. I would've died on impact. The entire front end of my car was obliterated. I go to sleep many nights wishing that driver had killed me. Everything would've been better that way, I wouldn't be accused of being selfish or cowardly.
I would even count my previous alcohol and drug abuse as self harm because I'd always drink and imbibe way too much. Every time I drink or consume any kind of drug counts as a mini suicide attempt to me because I'm trying to overdose. I always forget that and end up passing out.
My behavior is increasingly self-destructive. I've stopped exercising (because I'm already ugly, who gives a fuck), I'm barely sleeping, I'm barely eating, I'm barely drinking water as it is. I still have basic hygiene but at some point I'm just gonna drop that too. I go to class and essentially hide in the corner, because I'm not interested in anything except getting my attendance grade and leaving. i haven't studied for my midterm. I do as little as I have to because any more effort would be too much. I can see absolute disgust and revulsion in the eyes of every person I look at. i don't want to be put away.
I have a history of self harm as well as suicide attempts. Sometimes the two coincide perfectly with one another. I don't cut like most cases I've heard, I'll just beat myself with my fists and whatever hard objects I can find. I never do any permanent damage as far as I know. No one knows about this, my therapist (who I havent' seen in the past month), my family, no one. Only one person knows about my previous suicide attempts. I attempted to hang myself very recently (within the past week) and that's what got me on edge so much, because this brings me up to six attempts in three years and in none of them I have succeeded.
In the car accident i was in, if I'd been able to move the car a couple feet forward, I would've been t-boned at speeds of 60 MPH or more. I would've died on impact. The entire front end of my car was obliterated. I go to sleep many nights wishing that driver had killed me. Everything would've been better that way, I wouldn't be accused of being selfish or cowardly.
I would even count my previous alcohol and drug abuse as self harm because I'd always drink and imbibe way too much. Every time I drink or consume any kind of drug counts as a mini suicide attempt to me because I'm trying to overdose. I always forget that and end up passing out.
My behavior is increasingly self-destructive. I've stopped exercising (because I'm already ugly, who gives a fuck), I'm barely sleeping, I'm barely eating, I'm barely drinking water as it is. I still have basic hygiene but at some point I'm just gonna drop that too. I go to class and essentially hide in the corner, because I'm not interested in anything except getting my attendance grade and leaving. i haven't studied for my midterm. I do as little as I have to because any more effort would be too much. I can see absolute disgust and revulsion in the eyes of every person I look at. i don't want to be put away.
Glides- Posts : 231
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Re: Fun with self-harm
by Enail Tue Oct 11, 2016 5:29 pm
Go see your therapist. Tell them what's going on, all of it. Helping you with this kind of thing is the point of seeing a therapist.
It sounds like you could use some more intensive support/treatment as well; talk to your therapist and your doctor about other options. Please consider calling emerg or checking yourself into your local mental health crisis centre if you need to to keep yourself safe. I know that's a scary thing to consider, but it's a temporary thing and a way to get help from people equipped to handle big stuff like this.
As a stop-gap, it might also be a good idea to build up some strategies for waiting out self-harm/suicidal impulses and keep a list on hand of things to do so you don't have to think of them in crisis. Your therapist should be able to give you suggestions, but CBT and I think especially DBT are supposed to have some techniques for handling intense distress. Things that you find distracting. I've heard people say non-harmful but strong physical sensations like holding an ice cube can be helpful.
Try to remember that when you're seeing disgust and revulsion all around you, that's your brain interpreting, not fact.
Go drink some water and have something to eat right now, if you can.
It sounds like you could use some more intensive support/treatment as well; talk to your therapist and your doctor about other options. Please consider calling emerg or checking yourself into your local mental health crisis centre if you need to to keep yourself safe. I know that's a scary thing to consider, but it's a temporary thing and a way to get help from people equipped to handle big stuff like this.
As a stop-gap, it might also be a good idea to build up some strategies for waiting out self-harm/suicidal impulses and keep a list on hand of things to do so you don't have to think of them in crisis. Your therapist should be able to give you suggestions, but CBT and I think especially DBT are supposed to have some techniques for handling intense distress. Things that you find distracting. I've heard people say non-harmful but strong physical sensations like holding an ice cube can be helpful.
Try to remember that when you're seeing disgust and revulsion all around you, that's your brain interpreting, not fact.
Go drink some water and have something to eat right now, if you can.
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Re: Fun with self-harm
by K-J Wed Oct 12, 2016 6:30 am
I can only echo Enail on this that you have to swallow your pride and get into counselling. Please?
Mental disease is no different than physical in that it's best to run it with a doctor. You wouldn't just disregard a lump growing on your skin, and this is no different.
If this is about that you don't feel you're worth it, rest assured that you do. People care. They may not know how to show you or they may not be present for you at this moment but they exist. There's even people whom you don't even know (and maybe won't ever know) who wish for nothing more that anyone like you doesn't suffer in silence but get the help you need.
It may help you to listen to people who have been where you are but survived. Practically none of them regret reaching for support, hanging in there and experience how life becomes better again.
The rest will never ever know if things could've been better. Don't go down that route.
Mental disease is no different than physical in that it's best to run it with a doctor. You wouldn't just disregard a lump growing on your skin, and this is no different.
If this is about that you don't feel you're worth it, rest assured that you do. People care. They may not know how to show you or they may not be present for you at this moment but they exist. There's even people whom you don't even know (and maybe won't ever know) who wish for nothing more that anyone like you doesn't suffer in silence but get the help you need.
It may help you to listen to people who have been where you are but survived. Practically none of them regret reaching for support, hanging in there and experience how life becomes better again.
The rest will never ever know if things could've been better. Don't go down that route.
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Re: Fun with self-harm
by jcorozza Fri Oct 14, 2016 2:47 pm
Yup. See your counselor. If it's urgent, call a hotline or 911 and go to the hospital. Keep yourself safe, and find someone to talk to once you're safe.
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Re: Fun with self-harm
by Glides Fri Oct 14, 2016 6:37 pm
Enail wrote:Go see your therapist. Tell them what's going on, all of it. Helping you with this kind of thing is the point of seeing a therapist.
It sounds like you could use some more intensive support/treatment as well; talk to your therapist and your doctor about other options. Please consider calling emerg or checking yourself into your local mental health crisis centre if you need to to keep yourself safe. I know that's a scary thing to consider, but it's a temporary thing and a way to get help from people equipped to handle big stuff like this.
As a stop-gap, it might also be a good idea to build up some strategies for waiting out self-harm/suicidal impulses and keep a list on hand of things to do so you don't have to think of them in crisis. Your therapist should be able to give you suggestions, but CBT and I think especially DBT are supposed to have some techniques for handling intense distress. Things that you find distracting. I've heard people say non-harmful but strong physical sensations like holding an ice cube can be helpful.
Try to remember that when you're seeing disgust and revulsion all around you, that's your brain interpreting, not fact.
Go drink some water and have something to eat right now, if you can.
The second you're in a hospital, it will appear on your records and you'll never get hired again. Everyone who works at mental hospitals are rapists and sadists. The only reason anyone would work there is because they like to rape and torture people and get away with it. No exceptions. I will not subject myself to that.
Glides- Posts : 231
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Re: Fun with self-harm
by jcorozza Fri Oct 14, 2016 6:53 pm
Dude, that is not true AT ALL. First of all, few jobs would have any way of knowing your hospital records. I work in mental health. Many of our clients have jobs. And no, many hospital staff are perfectly fine people. Also, no. Like, I know people who either work in or want to work as psych social workers in hospitals. Seriously, what movie are you getting this from? I'm sure it sometimes happens, but to say that everyone working there is a rapist is fucking insulting. And many hospitals don't do restraints or anything like that (where I am, only the state can, and that's really for long term care, not emergency/crisis).
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Re: Fun with self-harm
by Werel Fri Oct 14, 2016 6:57 pm
<mod>Glides, you know that slandering entire populations as rapists and torturers is not only totally ludicrous but against forum rules; take a one-day break and don't do it again.</mod>
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