Doubts about GF's past

[Don_aman]

Hello there! This is my first post in this forum. It's a bit long, so please stick around.

I've been in a relationship with what essentially amounts to the girl of my dreams (smart, cultured, model looks, funny, great job as executive) for nearly a year. We're both 29 going on 30. Things have always been fine and I'd never had trust issues....right until the last 2 months.

You see, these past 2 months she's left for a work trip to a faraway (Asia) place. She's coming back this following week. She hasnt really given me reasons to doubt her faithfulness during the trip and things are fine (even after some friction), but some stuff that I guess had always been there has reared its ugly head and has filled me with doubt.

You see, I wasn't in a good place when I met this girl (still aren't). I know that I'm smart, attractive, a great lover, full of potential etc but I still feel like I'm a few miles short of realizing my own personal life story the way I want it to.

Even then, and even after baring all of my shortcomings to her in an effort to screen her out, she has always seemed madly in love with me. Like, insanely, not going to work to stare at me/make love, cant go a day without seeing me, a bit clingy perhaps, love. This, along with her extremely caring and sweet behavior, made me consider her relationship material.

I haven't really minded this clinginess since like I said, I really like hanging out with this woman, we've really "clicked" so to speak. Also, I've been focusing in my education and as such my social life has taken quite a hit (many of my friends have moved away), she sort of came in and filled a sort of void.

The thing is...I'd known about her previously as a sort of fling/ex like figure to one of my close friends. In fact I mentioned this to him when I first saw her on Tinder (!) (which is where I met her) and his reaction was..."why, of course..."

In fact, I was reticent about dating her due to this precise reason (also I wasnt really looking for a serious relationship at the time). She somewhat pursued me, though, and like I said, she has many, many qualities that match those of my ideal mate, so I couldn't look away.

Obviously at some point we had the talk about "our pasts"...but even before that some things seemed out of place.

You see, this woman is extremely, extremely social in artistic circles, is a bit of a party animal (she's calmed down considerably now that's she's been with me) and she has a lot of guy friends. This normally doesnt bother me but when you place things in context...

The thing that started weirding me out is how vocal she was the first few months of our relationship about not liking sex (even though we started having it in droves a month after we started seeing each other). Like, she brought the subject up over and over again, about how she had always felt a basic repulsion towards the sexual act and as such had only recently (mid to late 20's) started her sex life and only had 2-3 sexual partners in her life. OK....

This kinda checked out as she's a bit timid in the sheets (oddly enough she asked for some choke and rough play pretty early on though). I'd been with a girl with a similar cover story and believe me, I could certainly tell said girl was lying about "only doing it once".

But then, when we started talking about "our pasts"...apart from 2 prior LTRs, she mentioned a bunch of (weird, semi artistic, similar to me) guys I know, from different social circles, and about how she had "crushes" on them. I even learned after some prodding that she had a 4 year, on/off thing with another friend of mine. So that was basically, 4 different guys I know (and I'm not mr social) from completely different social circles she had "crushes" or "flings" with, the 2 which I closely know having dumped her/used her, apparently.

She mentioned to me that her previous relationship (which took place the year before we dated) basically consisted of a fuck buddies situation where she ended up "hurt" by this "guy she had nothing in common with". She mentioned bisexual experiences in her college years. Early on she said that she didn't tend to do the "girlfriend/boyfriend" thing and usually just "went with the flow".

She's been pretty vocal about our relationship, though. She seemed genuinely happy when (after much consideration) I asked her to be my GF and she's always posting pictures of us in her social media (something I don't agree 100% with but well). She's always presenting me as her boyfriend and it's not uncommon to hear comments along the lines of "ooh, it's really rare seeing you with a boyfriend" (she says she liked to do her dating in the down low before I came along)

I haven't really prodded her too much on this, but the mismatch between the things she says and details from her past actually worry me more than if she came straight out and told me that she's been a bit well...slutty...in her past.

I thought I was over this, but the whole LDR thing we've been having has really brought these things to mind again. It's really made me fear being hurt by her. We've both gone all in into this, it has been almost a year where she's consistently stuck by my side, I know people can and usually do fuck up in prior relationships, but you can never truly KNOW a person. Thoughts?

[Izmuth]

Can I first ask how many partners YOU've had?

And can I ask why it matters to you what kind of past your girlfriend had?
I assume you both got tested for STDs before you stopped using condoms anyway, since there are quite a few "symptomless" STDs you can pass on even with a low amount of partners. So... however many partners she had, that doesn't have any effect on you, no?

She also made it clear she enjoys being with you. I do hope you enjoy being with her.

Please don't take it the wrong way, but it's also common for our brains to justify bad thought processes on, well... bullshit reasons.

You say that it mainly bothers you she wasn't honest with you. Which I can see bothering you, that's not a nice feeling. But if you're truly honest with yourself, do you really think if she had come out and told you all about her past adventures you'd have gracefully accepted everything?

If you wouldn't, well then now you know why she felt she couldn't be 100% honest with you

That is, if she wasn't 100% honest. Personally I wouldn't go to court on the amount of 'evidence' you have *shrug*.

I'd take a few deep breaths, and just try your hardest to convince yourself that all this doesn't matter. I can't convince you of it, since if you don't already agree with me arguing with me whether or not it matters will make you more likely to reaffirm your belief that it does matter, and down that road you'll ultimately end up with no GF

Do you want some tips on how to distract yourself?

[Don_aman]

You know, I've tended to agree with you, Izmuth. I don't really think a person's past necessarily has a bearing on their current behavior.

It's just, a lot of things have been going on that have really messed with my "inner game". I've been feeling extremely insecure because of just-missed career goals which cast a shroud of uncertainty over my future. Job opportunities are scant without realizing them.

(To summarize, I also traveled abroad at right about the same time she left because I was due to take an exam that would basically define my and hence our future. It didn't go well and I've put off discussing this with her in depth because I want to discuss this in person.)

Basically this has left me thinking, "why is this girl with me? She could be with people who
are better off/more social and engaging than me, yet she's there. I don't get it".

Couple that with the seemingly usual trappings of long distance relationships and I just end up thinking about infidelity, losing her to someone else. Obsessively. I'm way better off now, there was a time there where I couldnt eat or sleep because I was so anxious about this.

I just pushed some of my thoughts into the search engine and the usual bro-like stuff about "not wifeying the town bike" came up. I don't agree with it, and I don't really think my GF fits the description, but like I said, I'm in somewhat of a dark place right now.

[Izmuth]

Yeah you need some distraction

(Not going to lie, LDRs are tough and cheating does happen, but judging from those I personally saw working and those that did not, amount of sexual partners had no predictive value and only enthusiasm about their partners had any predictive value, and this woman seems to have plenty of enthusiasm )

Have you tried looking up board game groups / Pathfinder society groups in your area? They're really easy if you need social distraction to roll into them, because you don't have to know anyone.

If you have time at an evening, you go. If you don't have it, you just don't.

And just for the future: If you put vague symptoms of diseases into a search engine you'll find out you have cancer, if you put vague symptoms of insecurity into a search engine you'll find out that all woman are Evil Incarnate out to Steal Sperm from WASPs and something something red pill.

My advice: Don't put vague symptoms of anything into a search engine

[BasedBuzzed]

What does she herself say she likes about you? Better off can also mean you have to put more time/energy into work to earn that dosh, meaning less time for her. More social also means less downtime together where you don't have to be 'on' constantly. There's always the possibility that the parts you feel insecure about are the parts she actually likes.

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