Trouble finding supportive mental health care (content note: very extreme depression, anxiety, feelings of alienation from people)

[littlebluedove]

I've been trying for five years to find a therapist and a psychiatrist who I feel safe with and haven't yet succeeded. Also, I haven't yet found a crisis line that I feel supported by.

On Friday, my latest therapist, Joni, and I had a conflict about money. Most of my wardrobe went missing. I tore apart my apartment over and over again all day the day the clothes went missing and even a social worker came over to help me look some more. I told Joni that I wanted to call it a loss on the clothes and just replace them so that none of us would waste anymore energy worrying about this. I was trying to look out for myself as well as them, I was trying to be nice! Well, Joni wouldn't accept that. She told me over and over at our last appointment that I should talk to the landlord, talk to my mom, I should do this, I should do that, and not just go buy more clothes. "If it was me, I'd take more steps," she said. I kept saying that I didn't want to talk about this anymore, that I was too overwhelmed to deal with it anymore and felt that replacing the clothes was the best solution for me at this point, etc, but she wouldn't drop it. She called in her supervisor, who wasn't interested in the situation at all and didn't want to help either of us resolve this. The supervisor seemed very cold and removed, even bored.

Relationships with the other therapists I've worked with have ended in similarly painful ways, such as another who I had a conflict with because she said things like, "It's not realistic to want to make friends. People are too busy," and "Why would Clare want to be a volunteer reference for you?" or the therapist who I told about someone robbing $700 from my mom (almost a month's worth of income from her) and I mentioned that I called that person an asshole and she zeroed in on that detail although in my opinion, robbing a month's worth of a low income, disabled person's income is way worse than calling someone an asshole (that person was finally forced to repay my mom a year later, maybe by the police, I'm not sure).

I've used Crisis Text Line, but the volunteers there say, "I understand that's hard for you. Can you do something fun to distract yourself?" which doesn't really help, because I already know about trying to do something fun, and that just isn't anywhere near enough to deal with these horrible, complicated, long term problems I have.

I've tried a local crisis hotline and feel dismissed by their volunteers, too. One volunteer, when I told her about my anxiety about grocery shopping, said, "You're 23, and afraid to shop for groceries?" Others have been very quick to jump to, "What are you going to do about that?" which doesn't help because if I knew what to do, I'd have less reason to even need to call. I don't remember specifics off the top of my head, but there have been ways they've worded things and tones in their voices that have made it seem like they're basically saying, "How fucking hard is it? Why don't you just figure this out yourself? Why are you wasting my time with your bullshit?"

I can't always count on my parents for help because sometimes they get angry about how intense my anxiety is and how hard it has been for me to solve my problems. They've said some really painful things to me, like "Bullshit" (regarding my perspective on how hard my life is) and "We can deal with life, why can't you?" My mom told me that she's working on this.

I've been turned away by some forums for help. I've been turned away from some online therapy sites. I finally found an online therapy site that I can join, which is $300 a month, which I can afford for now while I still have disability back pay, but it won't be sustainable for ever on a $770 per month income + a little food stamps. I'm angry that I have to spend so much money right now to get mental health help (if it even works. I haven't heard back from her yet and don't know how receptive she'll be) when I have perfectly good insurance that should in theory be able to get me free therapy.

I've never had any luck successfully forming a healthy friendship or relationship.

I've gotten some support here before, during the handful of times I've posted, which has been nice, but I need more...but it seems like 99% of the time, no one is on my side, even if I pay them to be.

I feel more hopeless than I've ever felt in my life. This sense of hopelessness is what crisis lines are designed for, supposedly, but they've failed me so many times that it's not worth bothering. I'm begging the universe that this online therapist comes through for me. I'm going to call my insurance person soon to ask her to help me find a therapist and psychiatrist, and I'm going to either call or show up to a new pharmacy to have my medications transferred. I'm begging the universe that my insurance person can come through for me and then that my new support system can come through for me. I'm angry that I've had to work so long for so hard to try to get appropriate care.

Some people online have told me they can't believe that someone can have had such a horrible life and that at least some of it must be me being confused or paranoid or deluded or whatever. Even if that's true, my suffering is still very real to me. My heart constantly pounds from stress, I always feel like everything in my life goes horribly wrong and that my attempts to get help as well as my attempts to problem solve on my own also always go horribly wrong. I try hard to think of positive things but it always brings more negative thoughts crashing down on me, like if I think, "I can get a cat, and petting the cat should bring me some comfort," my brain will go, "Maybe the cat will decide it doesn't like me anymore after I bring it home. Maybe it'll hate any toy or food or anything I get for it and I won't be able to satisfy it. Maybe no pet sitter or taxi service in all of my city will be willing to help me bring it home from the shelter and I'll be stuck struggling to carry the cat carrier home for half a mile when walking is already hard enough for me."

I didn't bother putting an advice tag on this post because I might be beyond help altogether. I feel like the best I can hope for for the rest of my life is another 50 or so years of intense suffering pretty much every moment except when I can get a break from thinking and feeling while I sleep. Since no one here could probably think of any advice for someone as fucked up as me, the best I can hope for with this post is for someone to provide some kind of comfort, some sympathy, some empathy.

[littlebluedove]

Oh, I just saw the sticky about depression etc. Apparently I'm not supposed to post here for help if I'm severely depressed. We're supposed to "get professional help" even though that has never worked for me in my life. I guess posting about this was a mistake and I'll just get turned away yet again. I guess I'm just screwed. Yay me! I suspect at this point people will either berate me for making the mistake of making this post even though I ALREADY admitted I just saw that sticky and realize I made a mistake, or even be outright hostile to me, so at this point, I want NO REPLIES to this thread AT ALL. I just want to be LEFT ALONE. I don't want to be attacked any further. I'll just leave this forum because apparently this is yet another place that doesn't want to deal with someone suffering as much as I am. Goodbye.

[Enail]

Hey, I know you said you didn't want replies but since I think it might be a misunderstanding and your post was okay for this forum, I just wanted to clear it up and thought you might not mind that.

The sticky about depression is meant more as a 'this forum isn't a substitute for mental health support, and isn't a suitable place to seek crisis help if you're in danger of harming yourself or to talk about suicidal thoughts, because that's way beyond our pay grade," not "don't ever post about serious depression." It's okay to post while being seriously depressed, as long as you're looking for the kind of responses random forum-goers are reasonably able to provide and not for intensive or crisis support, therapy or that kind of thing. Asking for commiseration, non-pro advice or hugs is fine, if you still want to talk here, and your post seemed fine. And if you're ever unsure what's okay, you can feel free to check with the mods - we might say something's out of bounds for the well-being of the rest of the forum, but we'll certainly try not to be mean about it.

Sorry you're having such a rough time.

[littlebluedove]

Hi enail, thanks for clearing that up.

I'm on medication now, and one of the many effects I have noticed is that I don't take things as personally anymore or get as defensive if I'm afraid that I did something wrong. Since it sounds like you're still willing to let me post in this forum, I believe that the treatment I'm getting will help make things go smoother between myself and the others here. I apologize for the outburst, and hope that I can still have a good relationship with this forum. Thanks

As for my therapist, we never exactly worked through the money fight, but other than that, we've been getting along better, so I'll keep working with her.

[Enail]

Welcome back! Glad that you've found a helpful medication, and that your therapist is working better for you even if you haven't resolved the original fight (that fight sounds really frustrating, though, I hope she's recognized that she shouldn't push you to that degree again in the future).

[littlebluedove]

Thanks!

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