I think I'm largely out of the dating game [pseudo-rant, but not a negative one i don't think]

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I think I'm largely out of the dating game [pseudo-rant, but not a negative one i don't think] Empty I think I'm largely out of the dating game [pseudo-rant, but not a negative one i don't think]

Post by Glides on Sat Jan 19, 2019 4:22 pm

I spent a while reading over old posts, though all the really toxic ones on the old forum have since been deleted. I'm glad, I don't need that shit somehow getting traced back to me.

Haven't been with anyone since September. That one friend of mine I'd hooked up with a couple times and I no longer talk. She's made some attempts to initiate contact and I've ignored her. I didn't outright ghost her, I told her pretty explicitly that I was dropping off the face of the earth for a very long time and that she probably shouldn't expect to hear from me again. I didn't just cut her out, I cut out a lot of people. I've complained about some of them more recently. I'm not happier with them gone, but I'm a bit more calm, if a bit more isolated now.

She got mad. A lot of people got mad. A lot of people took it personally. It was personal, even if it wasn't in the way they were assuming. A lot of them complained and called me uppity and square and much nastier things besides. I'd spent so long cultivating a social group that was so thoroughly toxic at its core. I hadn't realized how my drinking had increased so much until I hung out with a friend I'd developed a crush on and knocked back a cider so quickly that she got visibly disturbed. My belly is flatter than it's been in years, most of it had been through alcohol consumption. I hadn't realized how pervasive that culture had become. I haven't had liquor since October. I had to admit to myself later on that I've tried to kill myself twice this year through alcohol poisoning. I'm still in therapy, and there are good weeks and bad weeks. I've been sick for almost three weeks straight, first from a really severe sinus infection that got me hospitalized because of my compromised immune system (treatment for psoriatic arthritis is a bitch) and then getting food poisoning right as I was getting over that. I've had a lot of time to think about everything. It feels like a life I didn't live. It feels like memories of another person, and somewhere along the way, that person vanished and I was left in that person's place. I don't recognize the angry screaming teenager of a few years ago redirecting all of their hate at women because they so badly wanted an identity that didn't want them. I believed that identity would give me everything I thought had been stolen from me. I was very well on the way to being a trump supporter, I bet. I think that same kid would be disgusted at what I've become now. That same kid would be horrified to discover that i'm not a man. I think he'd be horrified that I'm queer.

I'm still debating that. I suspect that I might be asexual. I've complained for so long about my lack of a sex drive and how performative it all felt and how I seemed to really enjoy intimacy by itself, but nothing explicitly sexual. I don't know this for sure. I still don't know anything for sure. I'm told I'm allowed to figure that out for myself, that after everything I can give myself that much at least. I never wanted sex, the physical act, I wanted sex as a status symbol, because I didn't know how to love myself. I still don't, but I think I'm healthier than I was. I'm a sheltered religious child who wasn't properly prepared for the world. Now I'm lost in it, but at least it's me who's lost in it and not the person I think I was molded into by others, the armor that I had to hide myself underneath. I've been told it's been so painful because I'm like a butterfly coming out of a really nasty disgusting cocoon.

my issues with dating aren't the same as they used to be. I'm still very lonely but I know from experience that another person can't really fill that void for long. I don't know how it's possible to date anyone if I don't even know who I am or what I want. I've been really isolated for the past few months, save a small group of people I trust, because I'm not really sure what else to do. I'm building myself back up from square one. I'm building myself at nearly twenty-four because I was never allowed to do it before. Now I have to decide what kind of person I am. I know I'm a lonely person, who wants to be intimate with others, and date someone who loves me as the deeply confused and miserable person I am, but obviously I'm not even sure who would want to. My issues with my previous relationships, the thing that kind of killed all of them, is that I did not act sufficiently male for my partners. When I got vulnerable, that shell would slip away, and they hated that about me. All three of them did, all three of them mocked me to my face for lacking that Maleness. Ironically, I think it was all the mocking that made me realize i just didn't want Maleness anymore. I'm not really sure who around here would want someone who is not that or a woman. I've told a few people, I even told my parents, and by some miracle they actually seemed pretty okay with it. They didn't know what the hell I was talking about, but they at least said after everything that they didn't care. It was better than I could've ever imagined. I still have issues with them, but so far they haven't treated me any differently. I said I didn't want to be their son anymore, that I wanted to be their child, and they said they didn't care as long as it was me.

I haven't told anyone else in my family, they're not known for being progressive. My last girlfriend mocked me to my face when I told her, which is why I didn't tell anyone else for months. I never told the friend I'd hooked up with, because she's definitely a very conservative type. But I'm very lonely because I can't date anyone now, even if someone is interested, without it being demanded of me that I be Male for them again. I don't have the strength to go through that. I can't just tell strangers. Even recently I've been in so many conversations where people are just eagerly talking about what they'd do to trans people and enbies, and it's even been controversial that I'm so apathetic to the notion. "Why doesn't this scare you? Why wouldn't you fucking kill this bitch if she had a cock?" And so on. The attitude is so casual. I'm safe because I pass, and because I don't have any desires to look all that different or act all that different while I'm still figuring it out. I may not look male sans the beard, but I do sound very male, and that's saved me so far. I hate the voice, but that stupid voice is the only goddamn thing saving my life because it's so deep. I never understood why I hated myself so much until recently and now the thing that's keeping me from hating myself is a thing that could kill me. Some of them play games where they show alternating pictures of cis women and trans women and call the game "spot the trap." I do really badly in these, so I just stopped talking to those people. They talk dismissively of any variant, "I identify as an attack helicopter," all that bullshit I used to say. Men and women both, just non stop mocking. Even cutting those people out, it doesn't leave very much left. I don't live in an area where there's a lot of visibility. I'd have to go to the nearest major city and there, people kinda just treat you for a dumbass for not living there.

So I think dating is permanently out of the question for me unless I move, and i don't think I'll ever have the means to do that. It's not like I'm attracting a lot of interest anyway. I'm still just as invisible romantically as always. I've gotten used to it. And it may be for the best. But it's sad, because I do want a partner. It's not to say it's anyone else's fault that I don't. I'm just not really favored where I am.

I dunno, I just feel really sad and alone these days. I don't like being left out, I've always hated that. The right person, the soul mate, that doesn't really exist for anyone. I could go to parties and burn myself out trying to find someone. But I'm so goddamn tired. I'm so goddamn hurt. I've been coerced and abused and dragged through the goddamn mud by at least one partner. I've had such intimate kinds of pain inflicted on me. I know that the magic person won't pop out of thin air. But all the steps it takes to try and find someone, it's too goddamn much. I don't really know what to do.

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Post by jcorozza on Sat Jan 19, 2019 11:11 pm

There's a lot happening here, but first I want to agree with your assessment that you definitely seem, at least from what I've read, like a better person than you were a few years ago, because that person seemed not just angry but filled with hate. And it sounded like some of it was self-hate that was turned outward.

It also sounds like you've been doing a lot of introspection in more positive ways, but that you're not in a great physical place for that. I hope you feel comfortable reaching out to communities on the internet, particularly about gender-related stuff you've been ruminating on. It might seem, because you know a lot of toxic people, that those who will be more accepting are a very small minority, but I know that there are lots of folks like that on the interweb, and that they can be pretty supportive.

The other thing that I think will be pretty important for you is to take some time to rebuild your social circle. It sounds like you at least have a few non-toxic friends, so maybe there are others out there. Also, giving some good, hard thinking to what things are important to you in a friend, and seeking those things out. I know this is not an easy task at all, but it's definitely worth it.
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Post by Enail on Sun Jan 20, 2019 2:32 pm

Glides, you really have come amazingly far, and I'm really proud of you. All those painful experiences and you've learned from them and grown kinder and more thoughtful and more at peace with yourself - I think the idea that suffering makes people stronger or better is absolute garbage and is often used to dismiss awful experiences and their after-effects, so I'm not saying that what you've gone through has made you better and stronger, but you've made yourself better and stronger while living through it.

I'm so glad to hear you came out to your parents and they were fine with it, and the fact that you've found a few people who you can tell probably means there are at least a few others out there you can find. And I second Jcorozza that even if your location is not a safe place to be out and not a great place to find supportive people, do at least seek out some spaces online and maybe give your nearby city a try, even if some people are jerks about where you live, you might also find some decent people. (As a snobbish city asshole myself, I'd even suggest giving people who say something negative but not too awful a try past their first reaction, they might be making some dumb kneejerk assumptions but realize they're being shitty if you're just upfront that yeah, it's not the most queer-positive place but it's where you live right now, get over it).
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Post by Werel on Sun Jan 20, 2019 2:53 pm

Just seconding all the "you've come a long way, baby" sentiments. It's been a privilege to watch you pull your shit together and turn into a thoughtful, respectful, self-aware human being.
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