am i too traumatized for sex

[Glides]

I wanted the title to reflect more about me suspecting that I must be somewhere on the ace spectrum but I didn't know if anyone here was ace and I didn't want to sound insensitive by associating it with trauma.

Also CONTENT WARNING for like everything, I'll be as G-rated as I can but I wanted to address this somewhere before I go to therapy tomorrow so I could properly ask for help there.

OK, so long story short, the vast majority of my sexual experience has been nonconsensual. Which is something I already know, but the older I get, the more I realize how vast that gulf is. I've only properly done the deed with three people, so a lot more of that is unwanted sexual contact that I more or less submitted to because, as an AMAB, you just do, yadda yadda yadda. And I don't think it's all of that that left an impression, it's that two out of my three partners did so in less than ideal circumstances.

I mean, I don't need to go over the particulars again. I'm back to my old ways of being romantically invisible (I am certain that I'm not aro), but the vast majority of human beings require sex for a functioning relationship, or at least a lot more than I'd be okay with. Part of me is worried that I'm only leaning towards the ace distinction now because I have a literal phobia of sex. Ironic as hell, for those of you who know how infamous I was on this forum back in the Old Days. I had really gotten it in my head as a eighteen-year-old (I just turned twenty-five this week, for reference) that if I had sex with a woman (being AMAB in the American South), that it would magically cure whatever trauma had been inflicted on me. Sex only made it worse, of course, it was karma, yadda yadda. The last time I attempted to have sex (almost two years ago), I had a panic attack during and my partner was thoroughly upset about it. The first time I ever had sex, way back in 2016 (Valentine's Day!), I could not "get it up," and a different partner was thoroughly upset and referred to me as "having a broken dick."

I know that response isn't okay, also the whole "I'm not a man" thing complicates shit still further. That's a whole other set of questions as to how a not-man is able to do the do with what is traditionally thought of as man parts? Does the not-man even want to do those things ever again? Who is the not-man attracted to? I don't know how to answer any of those questions. I'd posted about a person I'm potentially attracted to and I know the attraction is romantic, but is it sexual? I'm honestly not sure. I haven't had a sexual fantasy about that person, not once, and it's not because I don't find them attractive, I do. But that's just not what makes me want to be around them. I'm actually not sure if I've ever had a sexual fantasy about any person, ever.

[Enail]

That sounds extremely tough to figure out, with so many factors in the mix. And I suspect the only way to really tell is to take your time and listen to and respect your body and brain's reactions and wants, work on recovering from the trauma, hopefully find some Ace-supportive people and see what feels right to you over time. It's okay to just decide "sex isn't something I want any time soon" without a definitive answer as to whether you're asexual or of how being a not-man affects what you're comfortable doing with your traditionally-thought-of-as-man parts. I'm sorry that trauma is making it so much harder.

Of course, you want to know, because I'm sure the nagging questions and not knowing what's something inherent to you and what's a trauma reaction must be really frustrating and uncomfortable and just unsettling being in a limbo place, and I don't mean to dismiss that. But some things take time to percolate and de-escalate and untangle, and this sounds like it could be that kind of thing, so I want to underline that you don't have to know in order for it to be okay to set your limits or seek the things you do know you want based on your here and now, even if you don't know whether or not what you want will be different later on. Just be honest about where you're at and look for people who can respect that; changing is okay, and everyone's a work in progress, whether they know their sexuality or their gender identity or not.

[Datelessman]

That sounds extremely tough to figure out. You unfortunately have experienced trauma around sex, and I am profoundly sorry you had to experience that (while sickeningly unsurprised). I imagine it may be tough to sort out where the line between trauma and being potentially asexual on a "natural" basis exists.

If sex has always been a source of pain for you, it makes sense to want to avoid it. It should never be done for reasons beyond mutual pleasure, and that may include the idea of rushing into it with someone just because of internalized social pressure. Be who you are and take the time to figure out who that is. And if that means being someone who does not want to have sex, at least for a while, so be it.

Besides, as DNL sometimes says, you don't know how your life will always be. You may feel uncomfortable with sex now but that could change down the road as you do. Don't rush into anything that feels unnatural.