Should I hire a sex worker? [no this isn't going where you expect]

[Glides]

Not for the usual reasons.

So a huge part of therapy has been exploring my very complicated (to say the least) history of dating and abuse, and sort of charting the whole thing out in a map of sorts so I can understand what got me all the way here. A big part of all of this was recognizing experiences I had when I was younger when I was sexually touched without consent by people who were much older than I was. A combination of this and some inappropriate online relationships that ended around the same time I started posting here, and I already had a weird complex about dating and sex.

The biggest discovery of all was being asked to process what I actually felt during the physical experience of sex and I tried describing it and the therapist's response was that I was either having a severe panic attack or I was dissociating. My description was so far outside the norm that it completely caught her off guard. So pursuing new partners is just a way for me to retraumatize myself.

So I mean. I'm fucked aren't I? Which is the only reason why I want to hire a sex worker (or like a sex surrogate or whatever you call it). Not specifically for getting off, but by trying to prove there is some context in which intimate touch won't completely set me off. Because I want intimate touch (not specifically sexual touch, I still feel very little outright sexual desire) more than anything but it also scares me considering just how much of it was in circumstances that were incredibly abusive. I don't know how to be touched in ways that other people can be. I've always complained that I've had a fraction of the average human experience, that I'm less than human, but that's also because my capability to receive love has been completely shattered so thoroughly.

[Enail]

Tying to prove things to yourself about what feels okay with your trauma sounds like it'd involve forcing yourself to do it in hopes that it can go better in this context? That seems like a rough way to go about things. If trauma is a reaction to an experience of unwanted sexual touch, I'd think that it's possible anything where your lizardbrain feels like you have to do it might exacerbate it, even if you're voluntarily making yourself do it. Your instinctual self needs to feel safe to not have to do anything it doesn't feel okay with, so it might need reassurance it that it'll be listened to if it says "no" more than any kind of practice. Or, I guess, practice in saying no and being listened to is a kind of practice too.

If you're picturing more of a scenario where you're trying out what feels okay for you and what doesn't, without forcing anything, with someone you feel safe with and can trust to not push you in any way to do more than you want to even in non-coercive ways or even unintentionally, I could see that being something some sex workers or sex surrogates might be able to help with, especially since you might feel less pressure to have sex for their enjoyment than you would with an unpaid partner, but it might take multiple times before you can feel safe with someone?  It might be worth looking into a therapist who specializes in sex or in sexual trauma, too.

[Hielario]

Personally, I think it's a great idea. Being in complete control of the situation for once probably will help with your panic responses. You don't have to go all the way the first time, either. Might be a good way to get yourself proggressively used to physical contact again.

I'm slightly surprised that you're no longer uncomfortable with the matter of their possible exploitation, though. How come?

Also, have you considered the practical matters?:
Are you able to host, if they can't? If they can, are you sure you can go to this complete stranger's place without having a panic attack? (The same goes for visiting a brothel).
Can you afford their services?
How legal would it be where you live? I've heard that in some places of the US you can actually get in trouble for "solicitating".

[Glides]

Personally, I think it's a great idea. Being in complete control of the situation for once probably will help with your panic responses. You don't have to go all the way the first time, either. Might be a good way to get yourself proggressively used to physical contact again.

I'm slightly surprised that you're no longer uncomfortable with the matter of their possible exploitation, though. How come?

Also, have you considered the practical matters?:
Are you able to host, if they can't? If they can, are you sure you can go to this complete stranger's place without having a panic attack? (The same goes for visiting a brothel).
Can you afford their services?
How legal would it be where you live? I've heard that in some places of the US you can actually get in trouble for "solicitating".

I definitely still am. I have friends who are sex workers, and no, I'm not asking them for a variety of reasons, least of all that our friendship isn't based around that and I feel like they'd take it as some sort of manipulation, which would be completely valid. Also, I don't want the majority of people knowing just how severe my trauma is, and it's not a sex worker's job to mitigate trauma. But I think especially now it's more possible to work in sex work without an intermediary, which is what I'm always worried about, and I definitely support decriminalization just because it'll provide a lot more protections. I've had a few instances where I'm the person keeping track of a friend while they see a john (wasn't paid for it or anything like that, I was just legit scared).

Which is why I'm almost certainly not going to pursue that route, but it also renders improvement in this capacity impossible without manipulating someone else. A relationship that neither person is paying for still isn't the responsibility of my partner to take care of my bullshit. A therapist can only do so much, so it feels like I can't cure my trauma without hurting other people. So the only remaining option seems to be avoiding relationships altogether for fear of hurting people, not that that's especially difficult to do, being me. But again, it pisses me off to no end that I'm apparently the only person who isn't allowed to be in relationships by my own logic because only I will hurt people.

So I'm not sure what to do. My only remaining option might be just to be permanently celibate, so that way I can spare everyone else from myself. But I'm the kind of person who views even having friends as me manipulating and hurting people into being around me. I don't know I'll ever be able to reconcile this part of myself. Ergo why I've spent the vast majority of my life being deeply suicidal as a result. I view it as sort of the ultimate correction for how much I've hurt people, and I'll never be able to convince myself I deserve to be alive after all I've done.

[Enail]

Trying out sex with someone while dealing with sexual trauma isn't inherently manipulative or harmful to the other person, and doesn't automatically involve making your issues your partner's responsibility, even if you're asking them for extra care and patience. This is a very normal thing that lots of people have to do with their partners at some point or another.

I'd say your responsibility to the other person in that scenario is being honest and preparing them for what to expect and what you might need, making sure that you're going to be able to own your own reactions in the situation rather than blaming or attacking the other person if you're panicking, checking in that they feel okay with it and staying aware that they might also want or need to slow down/stop/do something differently even if they have no trauma, and ensuring that you have support and help with processing afterwards that doesn't solely depend on them.

It's okay for you to choose celibacy, but it's also okay for you to choose to try and reclaim sex as something for yourself and to ask willing partners be a part of that process.