if you keep getting ghosted that's your fault right

[Glides]

so i have now dealt with two people in a row who have ghosted me, or otherwise just dropped out with no real explanation as to why. i have improved right to the point where i can get initial interest and then that interest drops off like a log. was supposed to go on a date today and that is no longer happening, without an explanation as to why. so of course, i have to figure out in my head why it's my fault, because it keeps happening, and too much of my self-worth is lying on that. and of course, my partner couldn't be bothered to give one single solitary fuck because they're currently with someone else and it's as if i don't exist.

why do i keep letting myself get used like this? this isn't even polyamory, this is a farce pretending to be polyamory. i don't understand, after damn near a decade of constant improvement, why i still make trip-ups like this. i'm already so desperately lonely and isolated because of covid and this feels like salt in the wound. this isolation is literal agony, literal torture at this point. it is driving me insane and i only want to sleep people to drown out the voices in my head and pretend like i'm not self-destructing for a few seconds at a time. i'm only dating people to shut myself up. but i don't know how else to shut them up. i constantly need validation to shut jerkbrain up.

i just don't know what to do. everything is so agonizing and holidays are even worse. i just want to break and stop feeling and thinking. i want a lobotomy. fuck.

[Enail]

No, two people in a row isn't even really a pattern, let alone a pattern that's definitely your fault. Especially early on, ghosting is very common. It sucks, but it seems like just one of those things everyone has to deal with while dating.  

If it keeps happening, and keeps happening at a similar point in the relationship/would-be-relationship, then at that point it might be worth trying to analyze if there might be something going on there that you could change. But even if that is the case, that's a pretty normal thing to have to figure out, not some kind of exceptional fuck-up that self-improvement can reasonably be expected to cause never to happen; you're always going to sometimes do something wrong. Everyone does.  But also, things will go wrong sometimes without it being anything you've done, or where it's something you've done that's wrong for that person but right for you, so it just shows an incompatibility that was always going to be there and get revealed sooner or later.

Sorry you're feeling so lonely. And hope you can find some ways to get your jerkbrain to quiet down.