End of 2021

[inbloomer]

It's been a somewhat complicated year for me, dating-wise.

I had a friend where on paper we were very suited to each other, yet it never quite took off in that direction. I kept wondering whether I'd got the balance right, of being there for her but not pressing. This year, she committed suicide. Her family have been adamant that she always spoke very positively about me and I did all the right things to try and help. It's nonetheless tough, not just that she's gone but realising in hindsight that over a long period, she had slowly and insidiously been getting very unwell. But it was extremely hard to spot at the time - it wasn't like what you're told to look out for.

With someone else, I'm probably now closer than I've ever been to an actual relationship. But there are no guarantees - on paper we're less well-matched than the person above, though I think the chemistry has always been there. It rather feels like the closer I get, the more I have to face my demons, i.e. 25 years of both being told directly and hearing other people's opinions that anyone who's struggling with dating over a long period must be making some obvious, schoolboy error, meaning they're a bad person who doesn't deserve success.

Best wishes for 2022, everyone.

[Enail]

I'm so sorry about your friend, Inbloomer.

[Datelessman]

I am very sorry to hear about your friend. I've been fortunate enough that I never lost a friend to suicide but I imagine it can be horrific. You likely are feeling some sort of "survivor's guilt" where you try to see where you "went wrong" and how you could have "saved her." And while that is admirable, the harsh truth is there likely is little more you could have done to save her from her own demons, and her suicide likely had nothing to do with you. Our minds try to rationalize the irrational and that can lead to anxiety. The most you can do is remember the good times with her and take some satisfaction that you were her friend when she obviously needed one.

It is impressive that you have rebounded to forge another friendship. The best you can do is handle every situation as well as possible as it comes. I wish you good luck for the coming year.

[inbloomer]

Thanks Enail and Datelessman. It was a rare case where someone's brain chemistry deteriorates catastrophically and irreversibly - it wasn't a simple depression that could have been talked out. Even if I or anyone else had worked out earlier exactly what was happening, we could probably only have delayed the final outcome.

I met both women several years ago, at about the same time though through very different things, and have spent a lot of time around both since . They do have some similarities - the other has had mental health issues too, though I do not think on the same level of seriousness. As you say, one can only take things as they come, so we'll see what 2022 has in store.

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