crushes

[Glides]

hello, my name is glides and i have an addiction to developing crushes on people i shouldn't. (hiiiii gliddesssss)

there's no real objective to date this person, because it would probably be inappropriate to do so. i am not her direct supervisor, per se, but i absolutely have seniority over her on the staff and part of her orientation has involved me showing her the ropes. so that's not the goal here. i don't want to be that person. i just like a person and would like to keep liking her in a healthy way that is not weird without her feeling weird. i have done this so far, i am if anything exercising extreme levels of caution in all i do lest it be construed as creepy. because i v much want her to like me even if it's just platonically. i've gotten mixed signals and indications it may be more but i don't want to read too much into it. however, signs that it could be something:

1. thinks i'm funny even when i'm not, something i'm not used to. i also find her really funny, i'm constantly laughing at her jokes, there's already been a handful of times other staff have noted the two of us having a similar sense of humor or one of us (usually me) making the other laugh by whispering into their ear during a training session.

2. going out of her way to spend time with me when she had opportunities not to. this has happened more frequently. i've been trying to do as much outside as possible because covid and she's began going out of her way to eat lunch with me. twice this week she's intentionally gone out to eat to the same place i did and asked to tag along. and like, to her credit, she is a v active listener which itself feels really good.

3. she is like the first cis woman i have ever met in my life to make an active and concerted effort to use the right pronouns without making it look like a chore. i don't wanna direct that towards people here, it's just grated on me ever since i hatched to have people calling me "he" but i'm far too timid to correct people lest i be deemed as the "tran who gets defensive over the pronouns" as the stereotype goes. most of my friends who are cis struggle with this, but they do try, but there's def a degree of consternation and annoyance to it that i can't quite help them get rid of, which makes me feel like a burden. maybe that's projecting, i dunno. but today we had a meeting and she misgendered me and then almost immediately stopped what she was saying and said it all over again saying "they" instead and my heart went BA-BUMP internally and i had to act like that didn't mean anything.

4. despite not having known her for longer than a couple weeks, she's opened up about some pretty personal stuff in ways that don't feel like trauma-dumping, and is just generally really cognizant of my own personal capacity to hear her shit. but she's also clearly going through it and wants a person to talk to and of course i'm happy to be that person. but i dunno, like she's the kind of person who intentionally starts really deep conversations and makes even small talk feel like she's paying full attention to you. we also did an exercise where we had to give a brief presentation on anything we wanted, and she noted that i gave mine on filmmaking thingies and then did the exact same thing herself, on a variation of the same topic, when everybody else had their topic directly related to our company. i dunno, that felt nice i guess.

5. not to be shallow but she's really pretty and she knows it. and i obviously A) don't want to be shallow but B) i would be lying if i said i didn't think she was cute as shit, which she is and knows about. and i dunno, i guess i just like how much she carries herself in a space with clear confidence in spite of mental health things she's confided to me in passing, and i think she appreciated that i was intentionally late to a meeting so she could confide how lonely and scared she was feeling having just moved to this city all alone.

anyway, to summarize, this has been going on for about three weeks and it's fuckin killing me, because this is also the first time i have had to directly mentor someone and i have absolutely been on the other side of this and i v much don't want to treat her like that. i have had a person in a mentorship role use this to take advantage of me sexually, romantically or otherwise. so i'm not even letting my mind go there. like beyond the crush, i just do genuinely LIKE her without any pressing need to date her, though in the hypothetical where i wasn't kinda sorta having seniority, i wouldn't say no to that idea. but i dunno, like i do want to do a genuinely kind thing and be her friend and not have her feeling like i expect anything back from that. i do not usually connect with people this quickly. like this has been far faster than the majority of connections where we already feel close as shit, where my initial sort of coldness gave way to me being far warmer with her than i usually am with people i don't know well. and like, there isn't really a major age difference between us, it's just more than i have a hell of a lot more experience working than she does and ive been in the same city for twenty years and she just got here. she's thrown everything away to work here. and she's just really lovely, in every sense of the word, and very lovely to me even though she doesn't need to be. so i just want to repay that back in spite of feeling so much internalized guilt and shame over having a crush in the first place, as if my crush on her is an insult. like i invited her to a thingie this weekend in an act of bravery completely unlike me and she immediately said yes and i didn't really know what to do with knowing that someone could so easily say yes.

because i have no clue if her thought of me is anything more than "oh yeah, that one fat balding jew who is sorta higher up in the corporate food chain than me kinda sorta who i eat lunch with sometimes," except she's also jewish so i can't even insult myself about that anymore. like i hate that i can't just connect with another person platonically without feeling this sledgehammer of guilt. like all i want to do is good. i want to do that thing i did not do until like a few years ago that i barely know how to do now. i would be absolutely be overjoyed to be her friend and get to know her, since the other options are implausible because of A) the power dynamic and B) that she's not into me that way even if that wasn't the case.

i dunno. it's such a fucking middle school problem to have. i am pushing thirty and i'm getting the rush of hormones and the butterflies and all that bullshit and i'm far too old for any of this to be so one-sided. i just do this instead of actually dating people as it is. i just want the friendship with no crush even if i have to make sure i dont melt every time this fucking person smiles at me, or like meets my gaze during some lecture about blah blah blah and raises her eyebrows or smiles through her mask and it feels like we get a joke no one else does. connecting with people fucking sucks shit. last thing i need to be doing is misconstruing basic friendliness as anything more than it is. so i'm still just unbelievably cautious with how i treat her when im around her even when she presses me to learn more about myself. she's also just INSANELY easy to talk to, she's just got this really laconic relaxed vibe that makes you feel instantly at ease and shit. DO YOU SEE WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT? and of course someday it'll wear off and she'll be flawed and shit but until then my brain will just overreact.

[Datelessman]

First of all, you're never too old for a crush. Happily married people who have been together for half a century sometimes get crushes on someone else. Like DNL says, it just means you're a human with a pulse. I just turned 40 and as an old man from the future I can tell you I've had crushes on some coworkers as a 37 year old.

I can understand the feeling; what you may feel "too old for" is the stress that can come of having a crush, especially on a coworker that you are in a position of seniority over.

Secondly, I totally get the stress of having a crush on someone from work. One of the golden rules of dating is, "Don't date people from work" (sometimes crudely rephrased as, "Don't poop where you eat"). On the other hand, a notable number of couples (10-20% or more) met at work, so clearly plenty of people ignore that advice and thrive anyway. Navigating this can be very tricky, and please read this disclaimer that I know less about dating than I do about comic books, or quantum physics (and I know noting about quantum physics).

A work romance has to be handled delicately and steered away from work as soon as possible. From the things you list, though, it does seem like there are a lot of positives. You two get along famously. She uses the correct pronoun with you, which means she's pro-trans. She goes out of her way to be with you in social situations, and she even agreed to go with you outside of work.

I get how awkward it is having a "position" over her, if not unethical. But from how you make the mentorship sound, it sounds like it is an unofficial title that is temporary. Something like happened to me at my job from December to May; I was tasked with helping train our annual temps and monitoring their calls, with no change in title (or salary), and the acknowledgement this would be temporary. If so, then it may be best to wait until the mentorship "officially" ends, so it seems more ethical. How long does the mentorship last? Is it absurdly long to wait with your emotions in knots?

DNL would say that there's no reward without risk; it is just a matter of calculating it. The tea leaves for now are positive. I absolutely, 100% understand the feeling of not wanting to risk a good friendship over a romantic overture which doesn't pan out. And unlike what DNL says, I know sometimes it can lead to future awkwardness regardless of how well you play it. I've had friends who I never made a move on for years, and watched get married and/or have LTR's with others, precisely due to this, so I totally get it. You have to ask yourself is if you are truly content with what you have now and will never regret "not making a move" when you had the chance. Because I can also tell you, as an old man from the future, that regrets can come up more once you pass 30 and they can be a drag.

Ideally I would say to wait until the mentorship is over and then ask her to another "thingie" that is either more directly a date, or to actually call it a date and not two work-pals hanging out. The fact that she so eagerly agreed to a non work "thingie" with you is a major positive. That way you try this when you don't have as direct a role in her employment. And if she doesn't feel the same way, try to play it off as casually as possible and treat her the same. Even if inside you may be screaming. Unless, of course, you would rather have an unrequired crush with the friendship and not risk that for more. That's a decision only you can make.

[Glides]

anyway this mostly resolved itself because i forgot for like two seconds that she's a normal person. she found a romantic partner in less than a month. i'm honestly more jealous of the sheer amount of skill she possesses than of someone else being with her, if i'm being honest. so this mostly resolved itself, because once again i was reading way more into a situation than i should have because i was denied affection and was bullied a lot as a kid and now i hyperfixate on any time someone is even a tiny bit nice to me.

i forget that the vast majority of human beings are good at this lol. if i was good at this, what the fuck would i be doing posting here for a decade lol

[Datelessman]

anyway this mostly resolved itself because i forgot for like two seconds that she's a normal person. she found a romantic partner in less than a month. i'm honestly more jealous of the sheer amount of skill she possesses than of someone else being with her, if i'm being honest. so this mostly resolved itself, because once again i was reading way more into a situation than i should have because i was denied affection and was bullied a lot as a kid and now i hyperfixate on any time someone is even a tiny bit nice to me.

i forget that the vast majority of human beings are good at this lol. if i was good at this, what the fuck would i be doing posting here for a decade lol

I am sorry you didn't quite make a go of dating her, since I think you deserve a rewarding romantic experience. But I am glad you seem to be taking the "natural resolution" of this situation in stride.

I was also bullied as a kid (or pre-teen to be technical) so I absolutely understand the "hyperfixate" part. I did that all the time until my mid to late 30's anytime a woman treated me with even basic kindness or friendliness either at school or work. I'd become attracted and develop unrequited feelings until it ultimately ended when she dated someone else, or moved away, or so on. I had two coworkers where this happened with, to a lessor degree, as recently as 2018 (when I was 35-36), so I totally get it.

I wouldn't quite say the "vast majority of human beings are good at this," because if so, there wouldn't be so many books, magazine articles, TV shows, podcasts, online channels, websites, correspondence courses and coaches specializing in helping people fine love or get dates. It is a multi billion dollar industry in the U.S. alone. But it can feel that way to an outsider who has less experience or more struggles than the average. I used to frequently use a line from Mr. Freeze from BATMAN: TAS, about being "trapped in a world I could see but never touch." There is a great degree of happenstance and luck to a lot of peoples' romantic success. There are things folks do to improve their odds, but it is all a crapshoot. And that can make it feel more frustrating.

There's no shame in posting here if it helps. I've been posting in something DNL related for about 9 years now, with my own blog for eight. People here are willing to help and listen, and that's not easy to find online.

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