glides fucks up yet again [a pattern is emerging]

[Glides]

hello everyone. i am known in every circle i know for being The One Who Is Bad At Dating. It is the core of my very identity. It would be the main way to identify me if I ever died in such a way that my body was impossible to identify. And now I'm going to self-flagellate myself and punish myself for again being Bad At Dating by documenting how I find the most ludicrous possible ways to fuck up Dating even after someone says yes to the date.

Long story short: meet a person off a dating app, we meet at a coffee shop, wander around, it's nice I guess. Person asks if I want to see them again, I say yes. We try to figure out the times, and every plan they have involves being at my apartment. I'm highly against this for a few reasons: first they want to make dinner and I have no dining room table. I have like no chairs other than a futon serving as a couch and that's it. My apartment is tiny. There is nowhere for more than one person at a time to have a meal.

Second problem: my apartment is a fucking mess. I'm not the messiest I could be: I regularly do dishes and laundry and I don't leave food out and shit like that. I clean as best I can, but it's still poorly organized and it's less that there's mess and more that there's clutter. I am really bad at interior design or whatever the fuck. I barely make 30K a year. It does not look particularly good in any way. My mattress is on the floor. I have gotten so depressed I don't even put sheets on the mattress anymore. I have a CPAP machine I have to use. Everything is cramped and tiny and no goddamn place where anyone would think that's appealing. It's ugly. There's no other way to put it. There is no way in hell I'm letting them anywhere near this place. Even if I fully cleaned it and put all the clutter away somehow, it would still not be presentable for another human being. I'm deeply depressed and I hate myself, what am I supposed to do. The fact that this person is even remotely attracted to me means I've tricked them somehow.

I mean it's maybe a little thing for normal people, but I'm not normal and I know they would not like it there. I am fully incapable of taking care of myself and the disaster of an apartment is proof. I am barely feasible as a person outside of it. It just looks like I fucking hate myself based on the way I live. I don't know. But they're refusing to let me go to their place and I'm refusing to let them go to mine. So this isn't going to work. Will every stupid fuckhead demand to see my apartment? I don't know.

Who fucking cares, though. Stupid shit like this is why I'm going to die alone. Even when I get a chance, I find a way to fuck it up.

[Enail]

That's super-weird that they're insisting on going to your apartment. Like, concerningly weird, imo. Why wouldn't they be willing to just go for a date somewhere that's no-one's apartment?

Also, it's extremely and increasingly normal to not want people over to your place because it's small and messy. Especially with the pandemic, a lot of people stopped keeping their place suitable for visitors - I still have stacks of supplies I bought early in the pandemic all over my place because it's too small to have anywhere reasonable to store a bunch of dry goods, frex. And while clutter and undecoratedness aren't especially welcoming, it sounds like you've got the basics well covered, so it's neither rare nor especially awful.

You haven't fucked anything up, they're being weird as hell.

[Datelessman]

I always feel sad when you tear into yourself. You've had so much pain in your life and I for one would like to see you happy and not die alone.

As someone who is 40 and never lived alone, especially since my mother's been handicapped since high school and only gotten worse and needs more care, I know what it's like to have an apartment which is unwelcome to dates. There is clutter, but even if not, it would be super duper awkward with my mother there. So I wouldn't be able to bring them there.

That said, I agree with Enail that it IS weird that this person is so insistent. I mean, at least a third of millennials live with their parents and may not be keen to show off their place for that reason alone. I imagine another third live with roommates who also may not make an apartment into a date zone. It sounds like the person doesn't want to do "dates" and doesn't believe in hotels. I might wonder why their apartment is also off limits. They want to see your place but you can't see theirs? One would think someone who doesn't want a date at their apartment might be understanding of visa versa.

I can understand the frustration and pain, but I also agree that the person you met is being a tad inflexible, and not sensitive to your needs. You have a right to them, too.

[Glides]

anyway fuck this im updating it

so like a dingus i am eventually convinced to have them over, we've hooked up a few times. they're pretty goddamn clingy as it turns out. mad at me for not wanting to spend every moment with them. fuck them. so i've basically been slowly exiting stage left because fuck them. i honestly don't know how to give enough of a fuck of what some emotional leech like this even thinks. of course i'd attract another one. of course i am only fodder for abusers. that's all i am and all i will ever will be. i do not know why i keep allowing myself to wake up when this is all that happens every day. it is genuine proof that i have been clinically insane my entire life. nothing ever fucking gets better. twenty-seven excruciating years and they won't stop.

[Enail]

You've recognized something that you're not okay with, and you've decided to not put up with it. And now you know something that might be a red flag for you in the future. That's progress! That's part of what it takes to build better relationships going forward! Sorry things didn't work out, though.

A small suggestion - since it's clear you're not up for this it might be both easier and kinder to clearly break up with them rather than trying to do a slow fade. Being uncertain what the situation is can lead to just upping the clinginess, which is bad for you, and can increase anxiety, which is bad for them.

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