Should I Go to a New Year's Eve Singles Party (Leaning Towards "No")

[Datelessman]

I was hesitant to post this because it mostly seems like I have already made up my mind, but I was surprised by how much I'd considered it in the first place.

I've done three speed dating events since 2008, with the most recent one at the 2015 New York Comic Con. One of the companies that organized two speed-dating events that I attended in the past has kept my email on file and frequently sends me lists and dates of future events (likely because I went to 2 speed dating events and am thus coded as a "repeat customer"). During major holidays they organize singles parties, which are NOT speed-dating events but are parties run by a company that organizes them. I get a dozen or so emails a year from them and I usually dismiss them, but my New Year's plans with some pals are shot due to one of them landing a new job. In addition to my own dysphoria about being "a real life 40 year old virgin" as well as urges to make SOME kind of "move" eventually, I have considered attending this party. I normally just dump the emails as spam but just time I didn't. Since I have experience with events staged by this company (albeit from a decade ago) as well as such things in general, I've tracked some Pros and Cons to going. I am trying to be a little less self-hating but it is a work in progress.

Pros:

- It gets me out of the house.
- It is theoretically "good practice."
- Since it is in another zip code, even if things go horribly wrong in some unlikely cartoonish scenario (i.e. I am chased out by everyone with flaming pitchforks), no one there will remember me as more than "that fat guy with the ponytail," if at all.
- More women than men attend these events, so in theory, single men have a statistical advantage. Virtually every email about these events sends a follow up begging more men to sign on.
- Unlike a random bar or club, or even a party held by friends, there is a 100% guarantee that every woman there is single and looking...at least as of the time they signed up.
- There will be free food at some point.
- There is the possibility that I might genuinely find someone nice and decent that I connect with, and we have some "meet cute" moments to tell others that makes them gag and want to strangle us.

Cons:

- There will be approximately 200 people in attendance in addition to a DJ and loud music. Historically I have felt overwhelmed in such environments and shrink into my shell. When I was college aged this led to a lot of self loathing, but as I have gotten older I have better understood that being a shy introvert is just who I am and I don't thrive in bombarding social environments. I feel more comfortable in smaller groups at best.
- Beyond some "ice breaker" game type shenanigans which the organizer alludes to which will likely be as awkward as a junior high dance chaperone handing out nametags, I will have to make cold approaches to complete strangers. This is nerve wracking and stressful even to seasoned pros.
- The age range is huge: "early 20s to early 40s," and these events tend to skew young. It is very probable a majority of the single women there will be in their 20s, if not mid to early 20s, which is way younger than I really want to date. During the 2015 speed dating event, 80% of the women I spoke to were a day over 21-22 and I felt very old and awkward talking to them (and at the time I wasn't even 35). I am aware that age can have little or nothing to do with maturity or intelligence. It is very possible to meet a 23 year old who is smarter and more mature than I am, and a 47 year old who still acts like a high school drama queen. But the probabilities are lower when someone is younger and it makes me personally feel like a creep. As such, this would limit my pool considerably. My "Jerk-Brain" is already going to rob me of any pleasure of any success, so the last thing I want to do is hand it ammunition like, "She only likes you because she's half your age and naive, and you're officially a dirty old man." At 40 I really should not be having anything to do romantically with a woman under 30. I've actually gotten into debates with my mother over this.
- There will supposedly be a dance floor and I can't dance, and am too embarrassed to try. The last time I wasn't, I was about 12.
- Despite the statistical advantage to single men in theory, in practice it is a woman's market. Most of the single women there are there for a lark, and can take or leave anyone. Many will be in friend groups and have no problem rejecting everyone and just enjoying a slightly less crowded or noisy party. The single men, on the other hand, skew desperate (or horny) and will glom onto any glimmer of hope (I can smell my own).
- The cream rises to the top. While I don't rank women in terms of looks by numbers, what tends to happen is a handful of women will have a majority of the dudes flocking to them. By the same token, the few studs in attendance will hold court. Without being mean to myself, I am not someone whose looks give me any romantic advantage. The odds of me having revisits to college aged memories are very high.
- Though DNL advocates that ice-breakers don't really matter so long as it gets people talking, in practice there are limits and high volume can skew this. For example, one lesson I have learned is a man should NEVER compliment a woman's physical looks under any circumstances (even at a nudist colony). Instead it should be towards something she can control, i.e. her outfit or her shoes (even though 99% of straight men know nothing about women's shoes and any halfway savvy New York woman knows this). The problem is I can't just compliment EVERY woman's dress or EVERY woman's shoes. Since I have been in call centers so long I automatically craft mental openers in these kind of scenarios and they can ware out if overused. During speed-dating by about the tenth rotation I used to joke, "Well, I'm sure you've overheard my canned opener already, let's move on." Yes, DNL may be able to pull off literally telling a woman, "You're tall," as an ice-breaker, but I can't.
- Parties like this can be physically and emotionally draining.
- While there is a chance I could meet someone special, in all likelihood I will leave alone, with zero successes.
- It is very likely I will not only became depressed and miserable at this party, but I will have paid about $60 for the experience. My last New Year's Eve of 2021 was spent alone worrying about my mother's recovery from cancer surgery at a nursing home which was under Covid lockdown so I hadn't seen her in nearly a week. The last thing I think I need is paying to have a more miserable experience.
- This is far from a "once in a lifetime" opportunity. The company will send me more emails, with the next such party likely around Valentine's Day. It may be better to improve my confidence with some online dating, get some "first coffee non-date dates" under my belt first, earn some confidence, and then try something more challenging like this.
- As desperate as I am, being a 41 year old virgin is no different than a 40 year old virgin beyond a film reference. I do myself no favors being in a rush for emotional pain.
- While any attempt at dating risks bringing Covid-19 back home to my cancer stricken mother, a 4 hour indoor party with 200 people (plus staff, bartenders, etc.) only increases those odds.

So I just wanted to get some of my thoughts about where my mind is at. Maybe spending New Year's at home with TWILIGHT ZONE marathons would be best. On the other hand I am not getting any younger, and ironically me being single and solitary is stressing my cancer stricken mother out more than if I really did bring back Covid-19.  

[Enail]

Well, you sound like you've made your decision already, so I don't think you really need advice, but just comments on a few places where I disagree with your reasoning.

- Despite the statistical advantage to single men in theory, in practice it is a woman's market. Most of the single women there are there for a lark, and can take or leave anyone. Many will be in friend groups and have no problem rejecting everyone and just enjoying a slightly less crowded or noisy party. The single men, on the other hand, skew desperate (or horny) and will glom onto any glimmer of hope (I can smell my own).

You're making your usual assumptions on why women are there and how they're feeling. I'm pretty skeptical that anyone would go to a singles event just for a less noisy party - most people there will be expecting it to be awkward and less good for partying than a club or regular party, and less low-key fun than hanging out with friends or even a book at home. Every woman there will either be actively wanting to meet someone or be there to provide moral support for a friend or two who does but is nervous. Some of them might describe it as being "for a lark," but that basically just means they don't want to seem desperate or that they're, like you, dubious about the likelihood of singles parties being the right place for them to find dates.

- The cream rises to the top. While I don't rank women in terms of looks by numbers, what tends to happen is a handful of women will have a majority of the dudes flocking to them. By the same token, the few studs in attendance will hold court. Without being mean to myself, I am not someone whose looks give me any romantic advantage. The odds of me having revisits to college aged memories are very high.

So, what do you think those women who the men aren't flocking to, and who aren't having any luck competing with all the other women who are flocking to those popular few men, are going to be doing? They're gonna try talking to the other men and see if they hit it off with any of them.

- Though DNL advocates that ice-breakers don't really matter so long as it gets people talking, in practice there are limits and high volume can skew this. For example, one lesson I have learned is a man should NEVER compliment a woman's physical looks under any circumstances (even at a nudist colony). Instead it should be towards something she can control, i.e. her outfit or her shoes (even though 99% of straight men know nothing about women's shoes and any halfway savvy New York woman knows this). The problem is I can't just compliment EVERY woman's dress or EVERY woman's shoes. Since I have been in call centers so long I automatically craft mental openers in these kind of scenarios and they can ware out if overused. During speed-dating by about the tenth rotation I used to joke, "Well, I'm sure you've overheard my canned opener already, let's move on." Yes, DNL may be able to pull off literally telling a woman, "You're tall," as an ice-breaker, but I can't.

You can start conversations with things other than compliments. In general, a lot of men seem to focus on compliments as a more important and useful tool than they actually are. What kinds of conversation starters would you use to talk to men at parties? Grandmas three times your age? Married women, lesbians etc.? Those are probably going to be more useful for starting a conversation than compliments. Compliments that are genuine, because you see something in their outfit that you actually think is actively cool, are great, but if it doesn't occur to you naturally, it's probably not a good conversation-starter.  And don't forget you can compliment things other than visuals - if someone said something funny or particularly interesting or brave in the initial ice-breakers, that's a great thing to compliment!

And just a general note, your Pros mostly seem like they're based on your knowledge about the situation and yourself, and some of your Cons do too, but a lot of them involve making assumptions about other people that you don't actually have the information to determine. Might be useful (for your general thinking, if not the decision-making since that part sounds done) to separate them out into two lists instead of using the information-based ones to give legitimacy to the emotion-based ones.

[Datelessman]

Well, you sound like you've made your decision already, so I don't think you really need advice, but just comments on a few places where I disagree with your reasoning.

And thanks for that! I was really partisan about even posting this but because I'm still mulling this over (with a 20-30% urge to buy some new clothes and actually try going) I figured I'd take a shot.

You're making your usual assumptions on why women are there and how they're feeling. I'm pretty skeptical that anyone would go to a singles event just for a less noisy party - most people there will be expecting it to be awkward and less good for partying than a club or regular party, and less low-key fun than hanging out with friends or even a book at home. Every woman there will either be actively wanting to meet someone or be there to provide moral support for a friend or two who does but is nervous. Some of them might describe it as being "for a lark," but that basically just means they don't want to seem desperate or that they're, like you, dubious about the likelihood of singles parties being the right place for them to find dates.

In my defense, the assumptions are based on my experiences with similar events run by the same organizer from earlier times. Not saying they're 100% accurate at all, just explaining how I am coming up with the very notion.

Part of this is the "skews younger" problem. For women around my age, mid-30s into early 40s? No, it wouldn't make any sense to go to a singles party and not be genuinely, eagerly looking for someone to connect to. But people (not men or women, people) do all sorts of random, poorly thought out stuff in their 20s (especially "early 20s" as the party rules state). I've literally done speed dates with women who claim they're there to find friends, which sounds daffy until you realize they're maybe 22 and that is a perfectly reasonable thing for a 22 year old to do (versus talking with women in their 30s who are usually more sure of what they want). Which is why the 20 year age range is a con for me.

From what I've seen, the women are more likely to chalk things up for a loss and try to salvage the night, whereas guys who are going down will just leave early once the open bar closes.

So, what do you think those women who the men aren't flocking to, and who aren't having any luck competing with all the other women who are flocking to those popular few men, are going to be doing? They're gonna try talking to the other men and see if they hit it off with any of them.

Or talk amongst themselves. When things get awkward at things like this the ladies tend to commiserate while the men usually stand around waiting to be led somewhere by Optimus Prime, or something. Granted, I chalk that up to the usual socialization norms stuff we are all bombarded with.

Even at singles mixers from my experience, the old social norms of "men should approach" usually apply. There's this cliche that women in New York are way more assertive and aggressive than in other places but in practice some of the same old universal "rules" apply (New Yorkers in general are just more likely to be rude and blunt about rejections or disappointments). So it can turn into one of those situations where no one wants to interrupt a conversation.

You can start conversations with things other than compliments. In general, a lot of men seem to focus on compliments as a more important and useful tool than they actually are. What kinds of conversation starters would you use to talk to men at parties? Grandmas three times your age? Married women, lesbians etc.? Those are probably going to be more useful for starting a conversation than compliments. Compliments that are genuine, because you see something in their outfit that you actually think is actively cool, are great, but if it doesn't occur to you naturally, it's probably not a good conversation-starter.  And don't forget you can compliment things other than visuals - if someone said something funny or particularly interesting or brave in the initial ice-breakers, that's a great thing to compliment!

I think many guys overuse compliments in ice-breakers with dating because a conversation which begins in the hopes for potential romance has different stakes than a conversation with a man, or a grandma, or a married woman or a lesbian (beyond sharing thoughts about a woman we both find attractive, which is a conversation I have had many times with some of the bisexuals and lesbians I know). So there is that pressure to "get" someone to like you, and flattery is seen as an easy way to do that.

Being funny is another, which is an area I struggle with. I am very good at making someone laugh, over almost nothing. But much like you don't add up "nice points" into romance, "joke points" don't work like that either, and the pivot takes practice. This party could be good practice, I just am unsure if it is a case of trying an expert slope before I finish the bunny slope.

You'd think at a singles party, just a simple introduction and "you look interesting" or "I'd like to talk to you" would be good enough, but it isn't (unless said with natural charisma or charm, which I don't have). It reminds me of something Michael Hobbes said in the IF BOOKS COULD KILL podcast when they demolished THE GAME by Neil Strauss. Heterosexual dating involves a lot of awkwardness and it is rarely encouraged to make it easier or be at all forgiving about it. Hobbes described homosexual male dating as more "cutting to the chase."

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