Craving what I can't have [rant]

[Hielario]

The night before yesterday, I went to the ysual weekly dinner/hangout  from the local party section. Got a few hellos, raised hands,
, one peck on the cheek or two when I arrived, nothing otherwordly. 

But one of those, from one of the few ladies in the party, felt SO soft and nice... I was more or less normal during the dinner, but for two days after I've been craving more of that soft, feminine touch she gave me with every fiber of my being. 

Yesterday I couldn't think of anything else. Sure, she's not unattractive, she's intelligent, friendly, and I realized that night that she has an oddly interesting face that looks like those weirdly stilized characters some european comics had in the late 80s/90s. But she's also partnered, and the party is so overwhengmingly male that I fear it would be counterproductive if I tried something (Even If I knew what the hell to try). 

But also...I don't think it's specifically about her. I just want to feel the soft body of a woman right fucking now. But that's nearly impossible at this moment. At this point my social environment is limited to my job mates (esp. since I'm kind of a remote worker) and the local section party, and neither of them are not exactly rich in women, much less available ones. Sure, it's a bigger city, but I still don't know enough of the local language to try and chat up randos  (and where the fuck would I even do it, anyway? I don't do clubs nor dating apps anymore). 

I went to a prostitute for my birthday but I can't do that every time, the ones that I like and feel safe give are too expensive to go on a whim. I'm trying to save enough of my salary to finally start paying for classes on my own, dammit!

I've had some cravings like this before but I can't remember the last time it was so sudden and nuts. It's fucked up; I could have gotten some big gay bear to fuck this week as I usually do but I know that right now it just wouldn't do. Yesterday I ended up relieving myself in the gym showers before returning home to calm down a little because I couldn't think of anything else (best place ever to wank, but I hadn't done it in a while, filling a hole is way better and easier for me when the tank is overflowing, especially if I'm on the damn meds). 

It's not that bad today but the hunger is still there. Now I either want both or they start interfering with each other in my head. I can't do shit sexually right now, it's a pain in the ass. 

I came so far this year with the surprise job and the move and a room of my own to fuck whenever I want in it (even if flatmates make it awkward)and this a big city, so I've been having some big helpings of hairy asses and yet...I feel like it barely matters right now. 

I need a woman.This sucks. 

I wonder if the newbie who was at the dinner too for a while is single?

[Datelessman]

We always want what we can't have, don't we? Or at least so goes the cliche. I can definitely understand being touch starved and/or being attracted to someone who is already dating someone else.

When I was a teenager I had the annoying habit of developing crushes on most of the girlfriends of my pals (not all, but most). I am still friends with a couple of them now (and no, I carry no torches and value their friendship). But I think a comparable experience was when I was in college, and not going to the same school as my pals were. I blogged about this eons ago but the gist was that in a sociology course I didn't really "need," I met a young woman in the class  who was exactly my type in nearly every way, from looks to interests (i.e. comic books). We talked a lot before, during, and after class and she was one of the first women in my life who took an interest in what I wore, and at one point touched my thigh. We got paired together for a term project and for two weeks I was trying to build up the nerve to ask her out. The added wrinkle this time was that I'd gotten so many positive signals that I thought I had what some call "a puncher's chance." I'd long had infatuations but they were mostly from afar with girls/young women who didn't know I existed or if they did, I was nothing more than their boyfriend's wacky pal or that dude from class. It was the first time in my life I felt I had a genuine chance. It's kind of pathetic that I had never felt that before until then, when I was in my 20s, but there it was.

Then, of course, she revealed that she not only had a boyfriend, but was engaged. The details of the term project involved a "walking interview" with someone, and she suggested her boyfriend's mother, who she introduced as "my future mother-in-law." I feel at the time I took it well; I didn't drop out of the course as I considered doing and was still friendly, since she was fun to chat with. Up until that point, I always considered someone who was seeing another person as "off limits." But for a fleeting moment, I felt like I wanted to pursue her anyway. "To hell with him, she's mine!" I vividly remember thinking when pondering about her fiance. But I didn't like those thoughts from myself and never pursued things. One of my best friends called me "a schmuck" for not trying to, I don't know, deliberately break up an engagement, which was one of the first times I learned not to talk about my problems with him.

But, yeah, wanting what you can't have can be a heckuva thing. That and being touch starved for someone.

If you're attracted to "the newbie at the dinner," and she pops in again for another, you may as well try to introduce yourself. If you've both gone to at least two of these things, it doesn't seem so "random," especially if this is the only social gathering spot in town.