Ways to avoid dating my mom

[azazel]

Oops, I meant "ways to avoid dating someone like my mom" O : )
Not dating my mom is rather easy. For one, she's already taken. Secondly, she's my mom. Ew.

Anyway, how do you distinguish someone that *says* they are okay with most things, from someone who *is* okay with most things?

Of course, I could bail as soon as they retroactively change things they were okay with (as in, "I wanted to do A instead of B previous month but you failed to be grateful for me sacrificing myself (because I didn't tell you I was sacrificing myself)" not as in "I went with A previous week but I'm not okay with that anymore let's do B now", which I hope you all understand is perfectly fine with me), but then you'd have the problem that you reinforce in their heads the idea that people bail when they finally express things they are not okay with.

Anyone has experience dating such a non-Newtonian fluid? (completely liquid under certain pressures until suddenly they're solid as a rock?)
How do recognize someone with these traits? How do you deal with that?

[BasedBuzzed]

First off, this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=855590poWm8

You can distinguish it from tone of voice and body language, I'd say. In behaviour, I'd say reluctance, relatively few own opinions and conceeding very quickly at criticism are signs that you have someone wishy-washy on your side.

[kleenestar]

I can't advise in a specifically romantic context, but I have dealt with this with friends. There are two things I look for as red flags.

First, I look for silent resentment or sulkiness after saying they are okay with something. This means observing body language and possibly doing some gentle emotional probes; you can't ask explicitly, or they'll say they're okay, but you can see what they do when you express positive feelings about the experience.

Second, I look for explosive or resentful behavior when they retroactively change something. If they're straightforward about it, it actually is a positive sign for me - it means they are telling me the truth now, and they probably were before too.

[reboot]

I can't advise in a specifically romantic context, but I have dealt with this with friends. There are two things I look for as red flags.

First, I look for silent resentment or sulkiness after saying they are okay with something. This means observing body language and possibly doing some gentle emotional probes; you can't ask explicitly, or they'll say they're okay, but you can see what they do when you express positive feelings about the experience.

Second, I look for explosive or resentful behavior when they retroactively change something. If they're straightforward about it, it actually is a positive sign for me - it means they are telling me the truth now, and they probably were before too.

Great advice, kleenester.

You can also look for people that come up with ideas or are active planners rather than ones who just say "whatever everyone else wants to do". People who clearly express " Yes I want to do/No I do not want to do" in other social settings, especially group ones are likely to do the same in relationships. A particularly strong sign would be someone who says their preference if it is different from a group's or is willing to say "You guys go ahead, I am not interested" and go do their own thing. It shows they are not very susceptible to social pressure

[eselle28]

I second the advice to look for someone who shows some ability to express her tastes upfront, and at how she behaves when you make a choice she's supposedly okay with. The other thing you might want to watch is how she talks about her other social interactions. As a new partner, you might not run into the rock solid state for awhile, but her friends and family members and exes probably have. If she tends to tell a lot of martyr stories about how she sacrificed so much for someone who didn't appreciate it, that's a sign that she's probably not compatible with you at all.

[nearly_takuan]

Maybe it's too close to being a manipulative test (I'd be surer about how I felt if I had tried it myself but this is abstract) but you might try asking what her favorite part of $thing is.

[Lemminkainen]

I once had a partner who was like your mother in the ways that you describe. She behaved that way because of a combination of o'erweening pride and black-and-white thinking. She considered any expression of her needs and vulnerabilities a sign of weakness, and any effort at negotiation or compromise an affront-- so, if I wanted something in the relationship which she didn't, she would avoid talking about the issue directly, and then passive-aggressively snipe at me about it until I was an emotional wreck. If you want to avoid this particular incarnation of behavior like your mother's, I would recommend watching out for signs of stubborn pride or refusal to compromise-- they'll show up outside your relationship. My own partner's issues manifested in her relationships with her friends, her work, and her body.

[azazel]

Thanks for the feedback! Just wanted to clarify one thing:

Great advice, kleenester.

You can also look for people that come up with ideas or are active planners rather than ones who just say "whatever everyone else wants to do". People who clearly express " Yes I want to do/No I do not want to do" in other social settings, especially group ones are likely to do the same in relationships. A particularly strong sign would be someone who says their preference if it is different from a group's or is willing to say "You guys go ahead, I am not interested" and go do their own thing. It shows they are not very susceptible to social pressure

See, I don't mind someone who doesn't have strong preferences. I'm actually one of those. Because of my mom, if I expressed something Í wanted to do, I always ran into the risk of it not being something shé wanted to do, and I'd have a bad time. If I just made the best out of situations, I'd have a pretty good time.

So now I'm pretty good at enjoying myself in whatever activity I do, which means that it doesn't really matter to me anymore what exactly get done.

I'm just afraid of the people who go along with whatever everyone else wants to do, dón't enjoy themselves (but don't let it show), and then later on use it as an argument how much they sacrifice for the wellbeing of the group.

[reboot]

Thanks for the feedback! Just wanted to clarify one thing:

Great advice, kleenester.

You can also look for people that come up with ideas or are active planners rather than ones who just say "whatever everyone else wants to do". People who clearly express " Yes I want to do/No I do not want to do" in other social settings, especially group ones are likely to do the same in relationships. A particularly strong sign would be someone who says their preference if it is different from a group's or is willing to say "You guys go ahead, I am not interested" and go do their own thing. It shows they are not very susceptible to social pressure

See, I don't mind someone who doesn't have strong preferences. I'm actually one of those. Because of my mom, if I expressed something Í wanted to do, I always ran into the risk of it not being something shé wanted to do, and I'd have a bad time. If I just made the best out of situations, I'd have a pretty good time.

So now I'm pretty good at enjoying myself in whatever activity I do, which means that it doesn't really matter to me anymore what exactly get done.

I'm just afraid of the people who go along with whatever everyone else wants to do, dón't enjoy themselves (but don't let it show), and then later on use it as an argument how much they sacrifice for the wellbeing of the group.

The bolded bit is why I recommend selecting for people with strong preferences. They are not the type to exhibit these behaviors. Those that do not express preferences could be like you or like your mom. It is a lot harder to tell until you trip a landmine and by that time you might already be involved with them.

[eselle28]

See, I don't mind someone who doesn't have strong preferences. I'm actually one of those. Because of my mom, if I expressed something Í wanted to do, I always ran into the risk of it not being something shé wanted to do, and I'd have a bad time. If I just made the best out of situations, I'd have a pretty good time.

So now I'm pretty good at enjoying myself in whatever activity I do, which means that it doesn't really matter to me anymore what exactly get done.

I'm just afraid of the people who go along with whatever everyone else wants to do, dón't enjoy themselves (but don't let it show), and then later on use it as an argument how much they sacrifice for the wellbeing of the group.

Even if you're fine with people who are like you and who don't have especially strong preferences, I think that this might be a case where it would be prudent to overcorrect a bit. It does tend to rule out some people who might be reasonably compatible partners, but if you're concerned about falling into negative family patterns, sometimes that's worth the assurance that you're screening out all of the people who have the trait you wan to avoid.

[nonA]

I'm going to ignore the posts here, and point out that getting into roadside brawls would be an exceptionally bad idea.

---

More seriously, you're going to have a few relationships that are bad fits for you. That's just the reality of dating, and coming to understand who you are and what you like. The thing is, so long as you avoid permanent entanglements*, you can tell the other person that things aren't working out. Knowing how to gracefully deconstruct a relationship that isn't working out is a valuable skill too**.

*(Kids, signing a lease together, and moving for the other person are pretty obvious cases where you should think things through and have a backup plan. Getting a pet together is less obvious, but still falls into the same boat.)

**(This can be a bit of an advanced topic. But there are intermediary steps, from mingling friend circles to simply being FB friends, that can allow you an option between couplehood and effectively dead to each other. Are there any discussions out there on how to find a healthy post-breakup distance? All these boys who fear being trapped in something unfulfilling sound like they need to be reminded of their options.)

[celette482]

nonA has some serious wisdom here. Sometimes we don't even KNOW what we should really be on the look-out for, and people are often good at hiding the things that make them undesireable, so you could end up dating those people for a while before uncovering it.

So evaluate before doing anything that can't be undone in 10 minutes.

Also, as a good way to inoculate yourself against bad relationships in general, cultivate a good stable of friends and family, a support group so to speak, who can help you out and provide emotional support and real-talk when necessary. Doesn't have to be big, but it should be a person/group that you trust to be honest. It's harder for people who want to do manipulative things (or who have adapted in ways that are manipulative, even if it isn't a conscious "Today, I shall make azazel guess what I want and he shall dance for my pleasure" they might be subconsciously afraid of making their desires known because they don't want to be rejected but that doesn't eliminate the desires so they hope you'll just become Professor X in the meantime and get angry when you aren't) ANYWAY it's harder for those people to get away with their shit when you have a steady diet of HUMANS WHO AREN'T THEM.

Friend groups, more than just your zombie apocalypse survival team.

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