Is this a soft no?

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Post by Jayce on Mon Jan 19, 2015 4:27 am

Today I asked a girl I knew from math class out, I said it in a shy way because she was near me, almost in kissing vicinity and I was blushing really hard, so I said a bit quietly Hey I like you, come on a coffee date with me" (Ugh I forgot to add a time and date, I was just so blushed, it was hard, I was head over heels for her) and she said, sorry I didnt hear, I accidentally blurted out the word "date", but she did heard the " I quite like you" bit, she responded with 'I'll see".

I think thats so soft no, and also after I asked her out the conversation became a little bit awkward and it died out.  Soon after she was at her train stop (I know I asked her out in public transport, a bad place, but I knew her, and I guess I just felt really horny about her so I wanted to ask her out).

So I'm assuming she dosen't like me. Also there is a little bit of less eye contact from her after I asked her out.


The thing is though, she's usually a listener, not much of a talker, seems a bit introverted and shy. So it's not abnormal for her to let me lead conversations and respond to what I say.


So should I just assume is a soft no and if it isn't a soft no, leave the ball in her court, and not bring up asking her out in our future conversations?

Or should I say, tommorow hey I'm sorry I asked you out in an awkward way, I just like you so I was blushing a lot, I'm a bit shy and felt nervous. I guess what I wanted to say yesterday was, I think you're great, I like you and want to date you, do you want to date me?  (Or does following it up with this sound really pushy?)

Sigh, I just keep screwing up over and over again. At this rate when in the world am I ever going to get a date? Sad

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Post by gaboz on Mon Jan 19, 2015 5:55 am

Hey you asked and that is a good thing. and yes the ball is in her court and you shouldnt pester about it anymore.

See it this way. If no/silence = bummer, lesson learned, and progress made. If yes = take appropriate actions for date

But Jayce...you dates will come and good job.

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Post by Hirundo Bos on Mon Jan 19, 2015 8:05 am

I would say the same as Gaboz... ball definitely in her court. "I'll see" can mean a soft no, or it could actually mean that she'll see, but it's her decision in either case.

And oh, is it hard to let that ball lie when you're head over heals and blood is rushing in your ears and your arms legs just want to jump up an ACT because that's what infatuated bodies do... and when your head is flooded with all those hopeful thoughts like maybe she didn't hear you, maybe she's just shy, maybe if you'd shown some more confidence... but I really think pushing the matter is unlikely to to much good, and it might make things worse.

I'm also with Gaboz in that getting out the words "quite like you" and "date", and in the same sentence, blushing and mumbling and all, is quite an accomplishment. It's something I can vicariously learn from myself.
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Post by reboot on Mon Jan 19, 2015 11:38 am

Do not apologize for an awkward ask out, it will only make it more awkward. An apology puts her on the spot to either reassure you that it was not awkward (even if it was) or will leave her unsure of what to say and in a weird spot.

As for the "I'll see", I agree with the others. It could be a soft no or she needs to see if she is free or needs to think for a bit. Do not bring it up until she does.
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Post by Mel on Mon Jan 19, 2015 11:47 am

Congrats on asking her out! It's definitely something to feel good about even if you were showing some of your nervousness.

I'd agree that the ball's in her court and you should wait to see how she responds, but I'm not sure you need to wait for an outright "Yes, let's go get coffee." You say she's usually pretty quiet and seems shy, and you're not sure exactly how clearly your invitation came across. I think we can assume she knows you're interested in her romantically now, but she may still feel a little awkward about exactly how to proceed.

So I'd say, if the next couple times you're in a position to socialize with her, give her space and see what she does. If she initiates a conversation with you, and is acting happy and friendly--like, she seems more enthusiastic about talking and keeping the conversation going than she did previous to this--but doesn't mention the date thing, I think it'd be okay to bring it up casually, just like a, "So what do you think about going for coffee?" I wouldn't apologize for how you asked before or get into your feelings or anything, keep it very low pressure, just checking in. And if she is noncommittal again or says no, definitely drop it there.

And if you give her space and she doesn't come over to chat, or seems equally or more quiet/hesitant compared to before, then assume that's a no and don't bring it up at all.
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Post by UristMcBunny on Mon Jan 19, 2015 2:23 pm

You did good!

This could be a soft no - but if she's also a shy person usually, it could also just be her being totally unprepared to actually respond in the moment and blurting out the first thing that came to mind. I agree with everyone else -leave the ball in her court, either way.

But also, give yourself a pat on the back and do something nice for yourself. You did a difficult thing!

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Post by trooper6 on Mon Jan 19, 2015 4:08 pm

Asking her out is good.

This...

Jayce wrote:
Or should I say, tommorow hey I'm sorry I asked you out in an awkward way, I just like you so I was blushing a lot, I'm a bit shy and felt nervous. I guess what I wanted to say yesterday was, I think you're great, I like you and want to date you, do you want to date me?  (Or does following it up with this sound really pushy?)

I wouldn't say. It is too pushy...and also...it feels really wrong to me. What feels wrong? This part: "I think you're great, I like you and want to date you, do you want to date me?"

If someone I don't even really know said that, I'd run for the hills. If a friend of mine said to me, "there is some girl in my math class, I want to date her!" I'd say, "Woah! Hold your horses--you don't even know this woman yet! She'd might be psycho, she might be annoying when you get to know her...or incompatible. You shouldn't have decided to you want to date her already! Instead, think..."I'm interested in getting to know you better." Get to know her before you decided if you want to date her.

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Post by Jayce on Mon Jan 19, 2015 11:08 pm

I have a wierd hunch, but what if I'll see is her way of saying, I don't know you very well (We've only met literally 3 times), she wants to date guys she knows better so she'll think about it if she knows me better?

It can make sense, if she's shy, so maybe she's reserved as well and wants to date someone she knows more/ can trust?


This is plausible because one time when we talked about going out at night, partying and bars, she said she dosen't go out at night often and if she does she always goes with her sister, who can drive her, she also said she dosen't drink cause she's worried about her safety around guys she dosen't know too well.

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Post by trooper6 on Tue Jan 20, 2015 12:18 am

If she's concerned about safety and might want to get to know someone a bit better before committing (as should you by the way), then think coffee/lunch during the day in public places or on campus or something is a good suggestion. But I'd leave the ball in her court and move on a bit.

Maybe she won't take you up on it because she's not into you.
Maybe she won't take you up on it because she's not in a healthy space for dating anyone and you may have dodged a bullet.
Maybe she won't take you up on it because she loves you desperately but has social and anxiety and can't bring herself to interact with you.
Maybe she won't take you up on it because she is doing secret rituals to bring great Cthulhu back and a relationship would be a distraction from her plans.
Or maybe she'll take you up on the offer and it'll be great.
Or she'll take you up on the offer and it'll be terrible...or in between.

But all of that is a bunch of maybes. You did your part, now you put it out of your mind and move forward. Continue to be friendly and cool. Don't pressure her, don't obsess about her. Just keep living!

And you'll either go out with her, or someone else.

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Post by Jayce on Tue Jan 20, 2015 5:20 am

Well judging from today. We were really friendly, I didn't say anything about yesterday.She didn't bring it up. Looks like that's that then.

I'm going to work harder with myself to improve, if I want to increases my chances more so I can finally get a date.

I have made a bit of progress in a year of reading the Doctor's blog, cause I didn't even knew how dating worked until last year I just knew I wanted to date until I decided to find out about how to date, online, by googling.

From really hating myself, feeling like I wasn't good enough to be dateable, not really being able to ask people out at all, not having much of a social life I've transitioned to liking more about myself, having a way more active social life than before, became more motivated to improve in all areas of my life, have been regularly asking women out, I'm willing to approach, and consistently follow up on that desire, and I have higher self esteem, and made more friends.

I think its ok progress in a year. I've made no progress at all in terms of the dating process and my dating life (still stuck right at the beginning of trying to meet someone and getting them to say yes to a date) but I've made sufficient progress (I think way more than I expected) in helping out myself. I'm still 19 so I haven't learnt much yet, and still got a long way to go.

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Post by gaboz on Tue Jan 20, 2015 6:14 am

You are gonna be just fine.

Is this a soft no? Internet-high-five

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