Crush in same social group.

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Post by P_johnston on Wed Oct 01, 2014 8:46 pm

I have a female friend who I like. We went on a few dates and then she said that we should just be friends. I accepted this and moved on (so I thought). We remained close friends for a while and now she is dating someone else in our social group. When I found this out it crushed me and I realized that I am in no way over her. I took Dr. Nerdlove's advice and took the nuclear option. I deleted her from my phone and Facebook, cutting off contact. My problem arises in that as I mentioned we are both part of the same social group (along with her new paramour). This means it is nearly impossible to avoid her. If I have time between classes to hang out at college, she will likely be there. If I go to D&D, she will likely be there. If it's just a random group hangout on the weekend, she will likely be there ( along with the new guy).
My question is how do I deal with this? I can't avoid them short of cutting out my entire social life which I won't do. Thanks in advance for the advice.

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Post by UristMcBunny on Wed Oct 01, 2014 9:41 pm

The first thing to do is accept that it will take time for your emotions to settle down. You had a crush on her and had some dates - the fact that things didn't work out doesn't mean you won't have any feelings about all of that. At the same time, recognise that things did not work out, that this isn't going to change, and accept and remind yourself that - if you let them - these feelings will diminish over time.

Now. Obviously you can't control her, or your peer groups, or dictate how they can socialise. What you need to do is take care of yourself. Was your break-up amicable? Or at least not-awful? If you remained friends afterwards, I would assume so. It might help to let her know how you feel - not in a FEELINGSMAIL PLEASE LOVE ME kind of way, but something like

"You've probably noticed me recent absence from some of the social things we used to do and I wanted to explain why. Your dating [FRIEND] made me realise that I haven't quite gotten over our brief time together just yet, and my emotions are a little up in the air right now. I'm taking care of it, and myself, but in the meantime I might sometimes need to scale back on hanging out with you, and any events you're attending."

I would also recommend putting some feelers out to the friend group. It's okay to ask if they can help make sure there are at least some social events you can enjoy where your ex isn't around. You probably won't be able to have large group gatherings without her, but you could definitely arrange some little hang-outs with 1-2 people from your social group at a time without it being weird. You're not cutting her out of the group - she will still be invited to stuff and attend stuff and be around for casual stuff. But you'll get to enjoy some social life with your friends without having to feel crush feelings. And over time, things will get easier.

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Post by P_johnston on Fri Oct 03, 2014 2:41 am

Thank you for your advice. I talked to her and she said for me to take as much time as I need. My only real concern is how to deal with her in the situations where I have to hangout with her. For example as I stated we both go to the same college and a large portion of our group hangs out between classes Monday through thursday. This is where I spend the most time with my friends. That does however involve hanging out with the ex in question four days a week. Do I just ignore her and her new boyfriend pretending they don't exist or is it better to leave? Also if I start ducking out every time the two of them show up the rest might clue into the fact that somethings up and I don't really want to explain the whole situations to them. It feels embarrassing. sorry if I'm being a hassle I just don't have a whole lot of experience in the realm of romance and feelings.

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Post by Gentleman Johnny on Fri Oct 03, 2014 4:53 am

Short form, handle it when you can. When you can't, just let everyone know you have a lot of work, have to call a family member, scheduled a tonsil biopsy or whatever. Then walk away and do something else. It might also help to consider that its ok to be happy that she's happy and to enjoy the friendship you have, which has not changed since you stopped dating. You may have wanted it to be something else but it is now what it was then. You haven't lost anything.
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