Silver linings and 'Someone thought a woman was into me' [Adv / Ramble]

[Guest]

Note: This is going to be a little... lacking in general direction. I'm exhausted both mentally and physically. But, I need to talk about some stuff because it's doing little good swirling around in my jerkbrain that's only going to eat it up and shit it out, distorted and lacking in value to me or anyone else. Anyway, the Adv above is for anyone that wants to chime in on what I'm talking about, but don't feel obliged.

So, I've had an interesting week.

For the most part, it's been bad. My mum is still ill, my uncle passed very suddenly on Saturday and work, while good, has been ramping up in the past week and won't stop it's higher intensity march for a while. The immediate silver lining to this being the latter distracts from both of the former for a while each day, but it's also taken a toll on me physically where I would normally simply be suffering from emotional exhaustion.

But, there has been good bits. I've been getting the hang of some complicated stuff at work, I've received a lot of love and support re my mum and uncle (the specifics of which I'll get into - it's relevant to relationships) and I spent the day supporting my Dad and his band in the recording studio as they recorded an acoustic arrangement of the Dougie MacLean song 'Caledonia' to play at his brother's funeral. It was one of those sad, but ultimately heart warming days. And, to top it off, I splurged on some vinyl for myself to fill out my collection a little (I'm listening to Alan Parson's 'Pyramid' right now).

Anyway, because of the reports of my uncle and my mum, a lot of people have been giving me support and asking how I'm going. That also involves a lot of hugging and physical contact than I'm used to. This is good, because for the first time in a long time I've felt like I needed simple contact like hugs. But I find it hard to initiate them, or any physical contact outside handshakes, without feeling super awkward. Just about every woman I know has insisted on hugs (and to be fair, a huge portion of the guys too) which has withered my reluctance to do it overall. I'm not sure if this feeling will continue, I'm still kind of all over the place mentally, but it's some progress. Not sure how to perpetuate this though.

(I'm taking so long to write this properly that I've already switched albums... Onto 'Seeds of Love')

In recent weeks I have been hanging around and chatting with women more. It's thanks to some new staff at the local bar, one girls being particularly friendly. She's both taken and has a few dealbreakers for me relationship-wise, so that's not a bother. She is incredibly fun to talk and enjoy a drink with though, which has been good for me. It's really embarrassing even when I know people can relate, but making friends is so hard for me that I'm really chuffed when people seem to like me and myself them in return. I wish I could have this sort of positive attitude with a broader range of people (never mind women specifically). I don't know if that's because I have a very specific set of personalities I get along with or if I have work to do. It's hard to tell, you know?

I suppose I should mention the thing in the thread title. Last night, I went to see a show with my Dad and a friend. It was a good wee show, half one man show, half music. It was about a man who returns to Ireland after 5 years of living in Australia and no contact with his mother or father when his mother passes away. Anyway, I know the singer who wrote the entire play and sings as the frontman in the band. I only knew one other member of the band, however. But I noticed that he had a woman playing the fiddle and found myself checking her out more than I usually do for most women. Like, a lot more. So, the show ends and it was a lot of fun. We hang around after the show to meet up with the band for a drink, so I start thinking 'Shit, I'm going to have to talk to her and I'm going to sound stupid'

So, I'm introduced to her but the discussion right now is about the show and the shit my family's going through with about seven people involved in it. It eventually splits and ends up just myself, the friend we took to the show and the woman (let's call her Annie so I'm not sounding like a rude bastard when referring to her). So, my friend asks Annie some questions and they have a little bit of a back and forth. I watch, mostly, to observe how he talks to her. But I notice he's trying to focus things on me a lot and include me in the conversation. That's good, if scary. She's gorgeous, plays the fiddle, can sing, is obviously quite smart and I'm just a dork who likes computers. So, I am officially intimidated.



Turns out she loves video games. Turns out she wants to be a video game music composer. Turns out she has a love of whiskey. Turns out there many other awesome things about her that I can relate super easily to.

Me internally:


So we chat for a little bit, and she has to pack her gear up. I stay with my the friend. In hindsight, could have offered to help her pack up, since I actually handle instruments a lot. No matter.

My friend who, while drunk at this point, does know how to talk to women and to chat them at brilliantly, turns to me and says she was eyeing me a few times before that conversation and was really enthused during. I'll be honest, I had had too much to drink for being fresh off work and having had nothing at all to eat all day. As such, all that was working in my head was the thought that she was awesome and I was internally freaking out. Yay.

My friend insists she's interested. I'm too dull to actually understand that properly and I have both him and my Dad with me anyway. I didn't exactly feel comfortable doing anything about it even if it was true.

To cut the next bit short, she needs a ride to where she's staying for the night and was going to use Uber. My Dad essentially says 'fuck that' and we offer her a lift since it's only ten minutes away anyway. We all talk some more, drop her to her destination safely and that's that.

While driving back home, my friend insists she was into me and was trying to help me talk to her. The latter I worked out myself. I've tried to think of any specific indicators she was into me more than anyone else she talked to that night, but I can't think of any. I would normally consider this kind of 'dude she was so into you' thing fluff and dismiss it but my friend has really been around the block and is honestly pretty damn accurate with this stuff. He's 55, so it's not like he's a floundering young man like I am.

The worst / best part? Chances are I'll see her again come St. Patrick's day as the band we saw and my Dad's band are doing a big show together for the occasion.

The fact I've written this rambling spiel is probably a good indicator I'm already over thinking something that should be much simpler, but what happened happened. I'm going to try and look at the positives from this, rather than default to my reactionary position of 'I dun fucked up':

First, I didn't make an ass out of myself. Or at least, if I did, I didn't notice it enough to throw me off. That's neat.

Second, I eventually did talk properly to her. I listened to what she was saying the best I could and fought against my urge to over think what I would say in reply. In otherwords, I had more of a conversation with her than I did the fucker in my head telling me I suck. So, the way a conversation should be.

Thirdly, I got past the fact I was intimidated by her. I'm hoping I use this point and apply it to other women I meet in the future.

So, I guess this is it, really. It's a rambly post and I do apologise for that but I needed to write this down and thought it would work well here. I've made progress. Tangible progress.

[readertorider]

First-I'm sorry about your uncle and your mom's illness. You (and your mom) have my best wishes for whatever they may be worth.

Second-in my friend group one person would say "hug?" and open their arms a bit and then the other person could say "hug" and hug them or change the physical contact to something they were comfortable with. Asking for/offering hugs in my experience is a normal part of life and as long as you aren't demanding hugs from random strangers or only from attractive female friends you probably wouldn't be burdening people or making them uncomfortable by asking (and shrugging off a 'no' if it happens).

Third-your new friendship sounds awesome!

Fourth-I don't think you've made any mistakes with Alice. She seemed interested, you had a good conversation after the initial awkwardness and found you share several interest, you showed consideration by dropping her off, she knows some of your family/friends and knows you're (probably) not a serial killer... if you want to pursue her romantically or even in a friendship type way from here it sounds like you could ask your friend for her number and ask her on a date, to a concert, whatever. Or if you already have to much on your plate (quite understandable given everything you mentioned), you'll have an opportunity to see her again at St. Patrick's and see where everything sits then.

Anyway, I am sorry for your loss and stress, but it does sound like your interpersonal relationships are making very tangible (and awesome!) progress and even if things don't work out with Alice (from here they sound promising) you can apply those skills (holding conversations, working past jerkbrain, being spontaneous) to your interactions with other people

[reboot]

So sorry about your uncle and mom. Family death and illness is horrible and draining. I am impressed by how well you are holding together.

If you want to talk to Annie on St Pat's, I would (if you are feeling bold) walk up and say hi ask how she has been, what she thinks of whatever event you are at or which acts she is especially looking forward to (I am assuming you expect to see her at some kind of performance because, well, musicians). If she is play, tell her you are looking forward to hearing her and say something about how you like the fiddle, especially on/in/by X, Y, and Z.

If you are feeling less bold, wait until she is in a conversational group try to ask her questions on the conversational topic and weave a conversational thread based on her responses.

If you want to ask her out, ask her if she is going to a musical event you want to see. If she is going, ask if she would like to meet up before and grab a drink. If she was not planning on going, ask if she would like to. If you are not ready for that, just get to know her better and maybe some form of contact information. If she is into knowing you better, she will happily share and maybe even suggest a meet up.

[gaboz]

My condolences for your uncle and hope for the best for your mom.

Your "Ramble" is well put, i dont see anything in your post what indicates a jerkbrain.

Your friend is a good wingman and at least you made a positive impression on her, kudos.
So dont overthink and enjoy the small victories in these difficult times.

One small suggestion: try to get a day off work if possible, just to reload. Work intensity is good but you can not work at 100% for months without some decent restdays in between.

[Guest]

First-I'm sorry about your uncle and your mom's illness. You (and your mom) have my best wishes for whatever they may be worth.

So sorry about your uncle and mom. Family death and illness is horrible and draining. I am impressed by how well you are holding together.

My condolences for your uncle and hope for the best for your mom.

Thank you, it's been a rough little patch of horrors, so I can only hope things get better from now on. It's been a shitty few years for the whole family, to be honest. I think the only reasons I haven't really fallen apart is the 'get on with it' attitude our family has and it's just another layer of suck on an already sucky patch of my life. Not much you can do but move forward and deal with it.

Second-in my friend group one person would say "hug?" and open their arms a bit and then the other person could say "hug" and hug them or change the physical contact to something they were comfortable with. Asking for/offering hugs in my experience is a normal part of life and as long as you aren't demanding hugs from random strangers or only from attractive female friends you probably wouldn't be burdening people or making them uncomfortable by asking (and shrugging off a 'no' if it happens).

I think I struggle more with when an appropriate time is than who I'm hugging. I'm not very comfortable with touching others period, so someone I don't know well I wouldn't hug anyway if I could avoid it. But the timing I can probably pick up by paying more attention to people who initiate hugs with me and how they do it.

Fourth-I don't think you've made any mistakes with Alice. She seemed interested, you had a good conversation after the initial awkwardness and found you share several interest, you showed consideration by dropping her off, she knows some of your family/friends and knows you're (probably) not a serial killer... if you want to pursue her romantically or even in a friendship type way from here it sounds like you could ask your friend for her number and ask her on a date, to a concert, whatever. Or if you already have to much on your plate (quite understandable given everything you mentioned), you'll have an opportunity to see her again at St. Patrick's and see where everything sits then.

Anyway, I am sorry for your loss and stress, but it does sound like your interpersonal relationships are making very tangible (and awesome!) progress and even if things don't work out with Alice (from here they sound promising) you can apply those skills (holding conversations, working past jerkbrain, being spontaneous) to your interactions with other people

Funny thing about the 'serial killer' bit - she was told soon after saying she was using Uber that it's kind of risky and they are already being sued for more than one terrible thing. So, we offered her a lift as an alternative. I don't think she would have taken up the offer if we didn't know the singer of the band she was in so well, so he could essentially vouch for us not being lunatics.

Right now, I don't have a way to contact her so I'll leave it until St. Patrick's day. I'm trying to play this down in my head so it won't raise the ire of the jerkbrain, so for now, it's a really good thing to have met her and to have possible had her interested. From there, all I can do is wait until I see her again.

If you want to talk to Annie on St Pat's, I would (if you are feeling bold) walk up and say hi ask how she has been, what she thinks of whatever event you are at or which acts she is especially looking forward to (I am assuming you expect to see her at some kind of performance because, well, musicians). If she is play, tell her you are looking forward to hearing her and say something about how you like the fiddle, especially on/in/by X, Y, and Z.

If you are feeling less bold, wait until she is in a conversational group try to ask her questions on the conversational topic and weave a conversational thread based on her responses.

If you want to ask her out, ask her if she is going to a musical event you want to see. If she is going, ask if she would like to meet up before and grab a drink. If she was not planning on going, ask if she would like to.  If you are not ready for that, just get to know her better and maybe some form of contact information. If she is into knowing you better, she will happily share and maybe even suggest a meet up.

All good plans of action. I'd honestly want to be bold, but backups are always good. No doubt I would end up in a conversation with the group anyway, so it's a good in.

Your "Ramble" is well put, i dont see anything in your post what indicates a jerkbrain.

Your friend is a good wingman and at least you made a positive impression on her, kudos.
So dont overthink and enjoy the small victories in these difficult times.

One small suggestion: try to get a day off work if possible, just to reload. Work intensity is good but you can not work at 100% for months without some decent restdays in between.

He is a surprisingly good wingman given the age difference between us. But, on the topic of taking a day off, I have an extra day off tomorrow and a trip to folk music festival next weekend all planned with will give me about five days off in one hit and all relaxation. So, I'll be okay. I will worry about my mum during that time though...

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