Internalized envy, [Advice and opinions appreciated.]

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Internalized envy, [Advice and opinions appreciated.] Empty Internalized envy, [Advice and opinions appreciated.]

Post by Guest on Sat Mar 28, 2015 1:40 pm

Since leaving the cesspool that is Loveshy.com (Still regretting signing up in the first place... Headsmack ), I have felt an internalized irrational envy of, well, everyone. I cant read about LTR or dating lest I get a painful depressive sting, even if the article has a positive context to it (Even the Doc's articles sting.). I can't watch movies like Sex Drive, Project X, Superbad, the feeling is much worse, Hearing the successes of others makes me angry at myself, (I remember at the old DNL forum there was a member who succeeded, yet I felt envious and angry at him, to the veteran members of DNL: remember this?) I feel like a racecar the has not left the starting line, while every other driver keeps lapping me over and over and over.

I have kept this hidden for a while now for fear of shame.

Any advice?

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Post by nearly_takuan on Sat Mar 28, 2015 2:06 pm

Does it help at all to know there are others who haven't passed you at all, or does Jerkbrain filter us out by making up some reason we don't "count"? (Not accusing you of anything; just thought there might be some useful information pertaining to this.)
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Post by Guest on Sat Mar 28, 2015 2:12 pm

nearly_takuan wrote:Does it help at all to know there are others who haven't passed you at all, or does Jerkbrain filter us out by making up some reason we don't "count"? (Not accusing you of anything; just thought there might be some useful information pertaining to this.)

????? *reads racecar part over and over* oh... Smash against wall Smash against wall Smash against wall Smash against wall Smash against wall


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Post by nearly_takuan on Sat Mar 28, 2015 2:22 pm

Er, right. Hi, I'm a guy who's never dated anyone or kissed a girl his age and my sole memory of intimate touching is one of those creepier-in-hindsight things from when the other person and I were in middle school. I'll be twenty-five in a few months.

But like, I could actually imagine myself being you looking at me and thinking, "nah, he's always going to have one year left before he's where I am, so he's not really having the same problem." It's the reaction I have reading attempts at "encouragement" by people who say they didn't start dating until they were 19, or who didn't have a "serious" relationship until they were 26, or whatever, or who didn't really get started until they were 30 but that's mainly because they weren't even trying until then.

My own personal jerkbrain finds ways of making it so our timelines don't really match after all, so the other person doesn't change how I feel about the relative position of my racecar. They're not really behind the starting line with me (or weren't), because they obviously have a better engine, or they're on a different track entirely, or they've just chosen to sit with their key in the ignition.

And then when they do get started, there is a part of you that does think you ought to feel encouraged: hey, someone else managed to do it, even with similar challenges, so maybe I can too. But a seemingly stronger part of you just makes up more reasons why you never had anything in common to begin with.

Is that how it is for you? Or is it something else?
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Post by Guest on Sat Mar 28, 2015 2:41 pm

nearly_takuan wrote:Er, right. Hi, I'm a guy who's never dated anyone or kissed a girl his age and my sole memory of intimate touching is one of those creepier-in-hindsight things from when the other person and I were in middle school. I'll be twenty-five in a few months.

But like, I could actually imagine myself being you looking at me and thinking, "nah, he's always going to have one year left before he's where I am, so he's not really having the same problem." It's the reaction I have reading attempts at "encouragement" by people who say they didn't start dating until they were 19, or who didn't have a "serious" relationship until they were 26, or whatever, or who didn't really get started until they were 30 but that's mainly because they weren't even trying until then.

My own personal jerkbrain finds ways of making it so our timelines don't really match after all, so the other person doesn't change how I feel about the relative position of my racecar. They're not really behind the starting line with me (or weren't), because they obviously have a better engine, or they're on a different track entirely, or they've just chosen to sit with their key in the ignition.

And then when they do get started, there is a part of you that does think you ought to feel encouraged: hey, someone else managed to do it, even with similar challenges, so maybe I can too. But a seemingly stronger part of you just makes up more reasons why you never had anything in common to begin with.

Is that how it is for you? Or is it something else?

Yes, and why? I don't want to feel this way, I want to be happy for others but this mush of gray matter in my head says "No, he beat you! That's not fair! He barely lifted a finger, but you did all you can and you still lost!! He cheated!!"

P.S. sorry if I offended you with the racecar part.

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Post by nearly_takuan on Sat Mar 28, 2015 2:43 pm

On the contrary, I thought it made a useful metaphor. I'm not looking to give or take offense today. Smile

But alas I have no answers; only similar questions.
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Post by Guest on Sat Mar 28, 2015 2:53 pm

nearly_takuan wrote:On the contrary, I thought it made a useful metaphor. I'm not looking to give or take offense today. Smile

But alas I have no answers; only similar questions.

Looking back, the sting now is less painful than before I started therapy... but it still feel like I need someone to give me that push.

My therapist said that I put what othesr think of me first than what do I think of myself, she says that I was focusing in getting external validation, a perfect example is helping others even if doing so may be detrimental to my health or well being, i.e. being TOO selfless.

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Post by nearly_takuan on Sat Mar 28, 2015 3:03 pm

Huh. That sounds weird to me, because envy feels like a selfish emotion, but the psychology majors were always telling me that a lot of human psychology is counter-intuitive. Shrug

Well, only a month and a half left before I (probably) start counseling as well. Wheee~
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Post by Guest on Sat Mar 28, 2015 5:10 pm

nearly_takuan wrote:Huh. That sounds weird to me, because envy feels like a selfish emotion, but the psychology majors were always telling me that a lot of human psychology is counter-intuitive. Shrug

Well, only a month and a half left before I (probably) start counseling as well. Wheee~

Odd, is it not?

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