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Relationship Expectations.

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Post by Guest Sat Apr 25, 2015 10:26 pm

This just popped in my head ( or jerkbrain... idk. Shrug ), it's a little thing I worry about: What if my relationship, If I enter into one, is not as hot and fulfilling as the others?

This just occurred to me after listening to Mortar talk about his dates with women, he tends to brag about it (Not to me, he know it makes me uncomfortable.) ALOT, he usually brags that his dates are always available sexually, cater to his every desire, and able to satisfy him every time, and after the deed, he gets nude pics from these dates. That got me thinking, what if my relationship is not as fulfilling as I hope it to be, I might end up being jealous not of the guy with his dream girl, but the guy with a hotter relationship.

I am not saying that if a girl is in a relationship with me must send me nude pics, but I am worried if the relationship cools down and fails, add a tremendous performance anxiety (I feel like a car with zero miles... slightly ashamed and worried about performance... pale ). To me, if a rejection hurts a lot, a breakup is like being shot, in the back of the head, point blank.

Is this the jerkbrain talking or is it a legitimate worry?

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Post by Enail Sat Apr 25, 2015 11:29 pm

First off, what people say when they're bragging? That's not an accurate reflection of reality, pretty much by definition. No one always has 100% ideal sex, with no misfires, mismatches of desire or taste, no mood-killing farts or pets interrupting or leg cramps.

And any relationship that lasts very long will involve some times when one partner wants to have sex and the other doesn't, or where one wants to do something the other's not into or doesn't feel like at that moment, or some other kinds of conflicts, friction or dissatisfaction. Hell, sometimes one person's got the flu! In a good relationship, there will likely be a good overlap between each person's tastes, desires and libido, and there will be a willingness to  compromise, and to try to get enjoyment from the other person's pleasure where there are mismatches.

But constant sexual availability and catering to a partner's every desire 24/7(with apparently no inconvenient wants of their own, for that matter) is not really something that a person, with their own life and desires and responsibilities and needs, can reasonably offer, especially not in a long-term relationship, and if that's the standard that you're holding a relationship up to, you're inevitably going to be dissatisfied.

Try to listen to peoples' bragging with a little more skepticism. No person is perfect, so relationships all have at least two imperfect people in them. They can be happy, and hot, without being perfect!
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Post by Guest Sun Apr 26, 2015 12:15 am

Enail wrote:First off, what people say when they're bragging? That's not an accurate reflection of reality, pretty much by definition. No one always has 100% ideal sex, with no misfires, mismatches of desire or taste, no mood-killing farts or pets interrupting or leg cramps.

And any relationship that lasts very long will involve some times when one partner wants to have sex and the other doesn't, or where one wants to do something the other's not into or doesn't feel like at that moment, or some other kinds of conflicts, friction or dissatisfaction. Hell, sometimes one person's got the flu! In a good relationship, there will likely be a good overlap between each person's tastes, desires and libido, and there will be a willingness to  compromise, and to try to get enjoyment from the other person's pleasure where there are mismatches.

But constant sexual availability and catering to a partner's every desire 24/7(with apparently no inconvenient wants of their own, for that matter) is not really something that a person, with their own life and desires and responsibilities and needs, can reasonably offer, especially not in a long-term relationship, and if that's the standard that you're holding a relationship up to, you're inevitably going to be dissatisfied.

Try to listen to peoples' bragging with a little more skepticism. No person is perfect, so relationships all have at least two imperfect people in them. They can be happy, and hot, without being perfect!


So, Mortar is basically BS'ing? Huh, I never thought of that.

But in terms of standards, I don't hold a relationship to those standards, but some people in PR do, unfortunately women in PR are taught to hold them to these standards, i.e. he must be able to last longer than 20 minutes, must have a "large caliber main armament, preferably 480mm", must make a ton of money, drive the latest McLaren (cause Mercedes just won't do). Basically toxic masculinity is hard wired in the PR culture.

Some time I feel I don't measure up, fearful that someone would see me as less of a man.
add that with my virginity, in PR virginity repels women.

I still have the pay-for-an-escort option on the table, but I am not looking for a "F**k-for-a-buck" thing but a long term relationship, at minimum a FWB type relationship.

I may be actually be terrified of women...

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Post by nearly_takuan Sun Apr 26, 2015 12:40 am

Alex1989 wrote:So, Mortar is basically BS'ing? Huh, I never thought of that.

Even if he isn't, I don't see the point comparing.
I mean, any relationship you someday find almost certainly
won't be like Mortar's
(How can it be like Mortar's?)

But why does it have to be?
Don't look for shooting stars
For love is only love
...
And it's wonderful enough
already.
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Post by Jayce Sun Apr 26, 2015 1:16 am

Just out of curiousity Alex, are there women who work in the military in Puerto Rico?

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Post by Guest Sun Apr 26, 2015 2:38 am

Jayce wrote:Just out of curiousity Alex, are there women who work in the military in Puerto Rico?

Yes, most of them become MP's, it's the closest they can get to infantry (Personally, I encourage women in infantry, strength in numbers!).

Some of them are quite attractive (there is a short, pixie cut MP I see every once in a while. Yes, I have a thing for short pixie cut women. Lovestruck )

Why do you ask? confused

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Post by Jayce Sun Apr 26, 2015 3:16 am

Alex1989 wrote:
Yes, most of them become MP's, it's the closest they can get to infantry (Personally, I encourage women in infantry, strength in numbers!).

Some of them are quite attractive (there is a short, pixie cut MP I see every once in a while. Yes, I have a thing for short pixie cut women. Lovestruck )

Why do you ask? confused

Maybe you can try and meet those women? If what you said about women being in your country is strict about gender roles, it might be different in the army? I'm just taking a guess here. But it might be worth a shot

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Post by Guest Sun Apr 26, 2015 3:35 am

Jayce wrote:
Alex1989 wrote:
Yes, most of them become MP's, it's the closest they can get to infantry (Personally, I encourage women in infantry, strength in numbers!).

Some of them are quite attractive (there is a short, pixie cut MP I see every once in a while. Yes, I have a thing for short pixie cut women. Lovestruck )

Why do you ask? confused

Maybe you can try and meet those women? If what you said about women being in your country is strict about gender roles, it might be different in the army? I'm just taking a guess here. But it might be worth a shot

Could be worth a try... maybe...

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Post by Guest Sun Apr 26, 2015 11:29 am

Any other advice?

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Post by Enail Sun Apr 26, 2015 11:42 am

I think Jayce's idea of looking for women who are less strict about gender roles is a great one. Even somewhere where the majority of people prize living up to gender roles very highly, there will always be people who don't. And women are people! (I know you know that in abstract, but if you're feeling scared of them it's easy to think of them as some intimidating alien species).

Try to remember that not everyone is looking for the same thing in a man. You might not be hearing women saying what they value that goes against the norms, because it sounds like you don't spend much time around women just hanging out and being people, and they might not say it in mixed-gender groups, and some of them probably don't feel comfortable talking about what they really want in ways that differ from the norm, or maybe they even talk big  because they feel embarrassed for wanting something else. There is a huge variety in what women want and what they bring to the table, just like there is in what men want and bring to the table, and that's true even in the most rigidly gendered spaces.
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Post by reboot Sun Apr 26, 2015 12:04 pm

Enail wrote:I think Jayce's idea of looking for women who are less strict about gender roles is a great one. Even somewhere where the majority of people prize living up to gender roles very highly, there will always be people who don't. And women are people! (I know you know that in abstract, but if you're feeling scared of them it's easy to think of them as some intimidating alien species).

Try to remember that not everyone is looking for the same thing in a man. You might not be hearing women saying what they value that goes against the norms, because it sounds like you don't spend much time around women just hanging out and being people, and they might not say it in mixed-gender groups, and some of them probably don't feel comfortable talking about what they really want in ways that differ from the norm, or maybe they even talk big  because they feel embarrassed for wanting something else. There is a huge variety in what women want and what they bring to the table, just like there is in what men want and bring to the table, and that's true even in the most rigidly gendered spaces.

Cosign all of this. In societies with very rigid gender roles, people often feel unsafe expressing anything other than the norm since the rigidity of the roles are highly correlated with social enforcement of the roles, often through bullying and violence.

A quick screen for women who might not buy into the rigid roles is profession. Women working in male coded fields like military, law enforcement, firefighting, construction, dock work, mining, forestry, etc have at least pushed back on gender roles in their job choice, so you know they reject at least one norm. There is a chance they might reject more than one.

Alex, maybe try befriending some of the MPs (not just the ones you are attracted to)? From the military women I know, being a woman in the military is lonely as fuck. It is rare for them to have a male friend in the military, which means they have few work friends at all.
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Post by Guest Sun Apr 26, 2015 1:45 pm

Enail wrote:I think Jayce's idea of looking for women who are less strict about gender roles is a great one. Even somewhere where the majority of people prize living up to gender roles very highly, there will always be people who don't. And women are people! (I know you know that in abstract, but if you're feeling scared of them it's easy to think of them as some intimidating alien species).

Try to remember that not everyone is looking for the same thing in a man. You might not be hearing women saying what they value that goes against the norms, because it sounds like you don't spend much time around women just hanging out and being people, and they might not say it in mixed-gender groups, and some of them probably don't feel comfortable talking about what they really want in ways that differ from the norm, or maybe they even talk big  because they feel embarrassed for wanting something else. There is a huge variety in what women want and what they bring to the table, just like there is in what men want and bring to the table, and that's true even in the most rigidly gendered spaces.

Many factors make me fear women, i.e. the rejections I have experienced, being turned down by my high school crush (also led me to my 1st suicide attempt... VERY long story. don't ask...) my unintentionally abusive mother, reading Scott Aaronson's comment 171, drinks splashed in my face and my performance anxiety.

I know they are people but this MOTHERFUCKING PIECE OF SHIT JERKBRAIN, thinks they are more of an enemy than ISIS. :shout:

If you'll excuse me. *pulls out a bloody chainsaw, like the one in DOOM* I've got a jerkbrain to get rid of. Cool

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Post by Guest Sun Apr 26, 2015 1:51 pm

reboot wrote:
Enail wrote:I think Jayce's idea of looking for women who are less strict about gender roles is a great one. Even somewhere where the majority of people prize living up to gender roles very highly, there will always be people who don't. And women are people! (I know you know that in abstract, but if you're feeling scared of them it's easy to think of them as some intimidating alien species).

Try to remember that not everyone is looking for the same thing in a man. You might not be hearing women saying what they value that goes against the norms, because it sounds like you don't spend much time around women just hanging out and being people, and they might not say it in mixed-gender groups, and some of them probably don't feel comfortable talking about what they really want in ways that differ from the norm, or maybe they even talk big  because they feel embarrassed for wanting something else. There is a huge variety in what women want and what they bring to the table, just like there is in what men want and bring to the table, and that's true even in the most rigidly gendered spaces.

Cosign all of this. In societies with very rigid gender roles, people often feel unsafe expressing anything other than the norm since the rigidity of the roles are highly correlated with social enforcement of the roles, often through bullying and violence.

A quick screen for women who might not buy into the rigid roles is profession. Women working in male coded fields like military, law enforcement, firefighting, construction, dock work, mining, forestry, etc have at least pushed back on gender roles in their job choice, so you know they reject at least one norm. There is a chance they might reject more than one.

Alex, maybe try befriending some of the MPs (not just the ones you are attracted to)? From the military women I know, being a woman in the military is lonely as fuck. It is rare for them to have a male friend in the military, which means they have few work friends at all.

In hindsight I should've not mentioned the Pixie haired MP...

but a good idea nonetheless, on may 30th is my annual training. for two weeks the 101st Troop Command, including the 1/296th infantry battalion, head to Salinas P.R. for AT. The MP's are part of the 101st Troop Command, the 125th MP (if I am not mistaken), that would make a perfect opportunity.

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Post by Andrew Corvero Sun Apr 26, 2015 2:47 pm

reading Scott Aaronson's comment 171,

Scott Aaronson's comment 171 is based on the experience of someone who is letting his suffering color his perceptions. It shouldn't be taken as gospel.
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Post by Guest Sun Apr 26, 2015 4:12 pm

Andrew Corvero wrote:
reading Scott Aaronson's comment 171,

Scott Aaronson's comment 171 is based on the experience of someone who is letting his suffering color his perceptions. It shouldn't be taken as gospel.

Correct, but some of his thoughts and feels are some of the same ones I have too, as I'm sure a lot of other nerdy boys have. I'm not saying it should be taken as gospel either, I'm saying that it's a very common thought train amongst shyer dudes.

Anywaaay...

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Post by Andrew Corvero Sun Apr 26, 2015 6:11 pm

The Mikey wrote:
Andrew Corvero wrote:
reading Scott Aaronson's comment 171,

Scott Aaronson's comment 171 is based on the experience of someone who is letting his suffering color his perceptions. It shouldn't be taken as gospel.

Correct, but some of his thoughts and feels are some of the same ones I have too, as I'm sure a lot of other nerdy boys have. I'm not saying it should be taken as gospel either, I'm saying that it's a very common thought train amongst shyer dudes.

Anywaaay...

I think that Aaronson has suffered a lot, and it was horrible that he had to suffer that way. However I think that he blames the wrong party for his suffering. He (and many of us) obviously have some issues that make us suffer a lot, and we don't deserve to suffer. But those issues stem from our personality and some awful experiences (especially bullying and/or social ostracism) not from women or feminism.

Aaronson is not directly blaming women, mind. He's a clever man, and not an asshole. But I think that his suffering still gives him a bias that he hasn't completely shaken off. He's describing the world as he sees it through the lens of his suffering. All of us are biased and I'm not faulting him for that. I'm simply saying that when we, anxious people, see the world as a scary place, we might not be the most reliable source of information.

For example when he says:

Scott Aaronson wrote:The same girls who I was terrified would pepper-spray me and call the police if I looked in their direction, often responded to the crudest advances of the most Neanderthal of men by accepting those advances.

I think he's not getting the whole truth. No, you don't need to be an asshole to get dates (or to get laid). You need, however, to interact with the people you're attracted to in a meaningful way, and that can be scary for many of us.

In my experience assholes (real assholes, not just confident people) might get dates and get laid but usually either their partner dump their asses soon enough or they get into very dysfunctional relationships, and frankly I think that both alternative aren't a "success".

True, when you're an anxious, shy, nerdy boy the world can seem to be a place where the boors and the assholes always get the girl. But in time you'll realize that those boors and assholes aren't as happy and contented as they look.

And I'll tell you something: most women I've spoken to have told me that since many assholes care only about themselves they're pretty bad in bed (because sex is about doing things together, you know).

Don't listen to the braggarts, people lie and braggarts lie even more.
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Post by Guest Sun Apr 26, 2015 7:35 pm

Andrew Corvero wrote:
The Mikey wrote:
Andrew Corvero wrote:
reading Scott Aaronson's comment 171,

Scott Aaronson's comment 171 is based on the experience of someone who is letting his suffering color his perceptions. It shouldn't be taken as gospel.

Correct, but some of his thoughts and feels are some of the same ones I have too, as I'm sure a lot of other nerdy boys have. I'm not saying it should be taken as gospel either, I'm saying that it's a very common thought train amongst shyer dudes.

Anywaaay...

I think that Aaronson has suffered a lot, and it was horrible that he had to suffer that way. However I think that he blames the wrong party for his suffering. He (and many of us) obviously have some issues that make us suffer a lot, and we don't deserve to suffer. But those issues stem from our personality and some awful experiences (especially bullying and/or social ostracism) not from women or feminism.

Aaronson is not directly blaming women, mind. He's a clever man, and not an asshole. But I think that his suffering still gives him a bias that he hasn't completely shaken off. He's describing the world as he sees it through the lens of his suffering. All of us are biased and I'm not faulting him for that. I'm simply saying that when we, anxious people, see the world as a scary place, we might not be the most reliable source of information.

For example when he says:

Scott Aaronson wrote:The same girls who I was terrified would pepper-spray me and call the  police if I looked in their direction, often responded to the crudest  advances of the most Neanderthal of men by accepting those advances.

I think he's not getting the whole truth. No, you don't need to be an asshole to get dates (or to get laid). You need, however, to interact with the people you're attracted to in a meaningful way, and that can be scary for many of us.

In my experience assholes (real assholes, not just confident people) might get dates and get laid but usually either their partner dump their asses soon enough or they get into very dysfunctional relationships, and frankly I think that both alternative aren't a "success".

True, when you're an anxious, shy, nerdy boy the world can seem to be a place where the boors and the assholes always get the girl. But in time you'll realize that those boors and assholes aren't as happy and contented as they look.

And I'll tell you something: most women I've spoken to have told me that since many assholes care only about themselves they're pretty bad in bed (because sex is about doing things together, you know).

Don't listen to the braggarts, people lie and braggarts lie even more.

In my case that fear of women evolved to jealousy of other guy that did get dates, but eventually the self-hatred came to dominate my thought, even today after my recent meltdown, I still feel that I DO NOT deserve to have a meaningful relationship on the fact that I don't meet some standard.

I just want someone to acknowledge me, I feel like I am wearing a permanent sexual cloaking device, I feel invisible.

I do not feel attractive, compared to my friends, they feel and are seen as sexy, not me.

Re considering the escort option... not for just sex but for the intimacy of being with another human being.

To quote a well known anime character: I am so fucked up...

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Post by Guest Sun Apr 26, 2015 7:37 pm

I will contend with you the bit about liars and braggarts though. ;D

But if you wanna read the rest of what I think, it's here in the spoiler!:
Spoiler:

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Post by Andrew Corvero Sun Apr 26, 2015 7:54 pm

I still feel that I DO NOT deserve to have a meaningful relationship on the fact that I don't meet some standard.

There's your problem, I think.

Correct, but to play devil's advocate for a moment, I will say that I have indeed met some terrible girls growing up that would indeed try and humiliate me or want to tell the teacher on me for being attracted to somebody or making a slightly dirty innuendo. So, that kind of stuff also made me shy away

That goes under the label of bullying. Bullying can mess you up, and a lot. Are there some girls who are bullies and behave in a shitty way? Yes. Is it the fault of feminism or of women in general? No.

I have had those conversations and that hasn't worked. So, that's a head-scratcher

Maybe you can start another thread and describe those conversations in detail? People here are happy to help you.

What does strike me as weird is exactly how some people react/respond to others (especially the crazy assholes) and it just confuses the shit outta me. So much that I don't even get mad about "neanderthals", I just don't care. Sure, I may be a little envious from time to time, but I've spent so much time frustrated about it that I just don't care about them anymore.

The neanderthals dare. They flirt, they push their weight around, they get noticed and they're confident. All things us shy, anxious people don't know how to do. But you can learn them.

I'm not saying it's easy, and that it's going to happen overnight. But you can get less shy, learn how to flirt, learn how to be confident, funnier, listen more, have more interesting stories to tell, project positive vibes and be charming.

All of that without becoming an asshole, or crazy.
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Post by Guest Sun Apr 26, 2015 8:01 pm

Andrew Corvero wrote:
I still feel that I DO NOT deserve to have a meaningful relationship on the fact that I don't meet some standard.

There's your problem, I think.

Lemme PM you so we don't derail Alex's thread. Wink

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Post by PintsizeBro Sun Apr 26, 2015 9:32 pm

Andrew Corvero wrote:
I still feel that I DO NOT deserve to have a meaningful relationship on the fact that I don't meet some standard.

There's your problem, I think.
Cosigned. Alex, this standard you think women hold men up to, the vast majority of men fall short. Most of us don't make tons of money, have six-pack abs, drive a fancy car and last an hour in bed. The women who want these things know how rare they are. And there are plenty of women who don't care about money or abs or cars (thank god, I have none of those) and would get chafed if they tried to have sex for an hour.

If you're asking, "How do I meet women who don't care about those things?" you're on the right track. The thing to do there, is keep in mind that these women will care about other things. So your next questions to ask are, "What do these women care about?" and "What do I have going on that makes me an attractive potential partner?" You want to find overlap. What do the women you like want from a partner? You're in the military, which means you have a job, some degree of physical fitness, and the ability to do basic personal hygiene. That's not enough to land you in a relationship without something to make you interesting or attractive, but you would be surprised how many guys your age don't have those three seemingly basic things.

My immediate advice to you is to read more character-driven fiction. Take your time, read slowly. Observe the different characters, how they behave and how the other characters react to the things they do. Think about why the characters act the way they do. Reading fiction improves your social skills, this is something that's been studied and even shows up in the news from time to time. I of course would recommend anything by the late great Terry Pratchett, but read something you enjoy.

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Post by Guest Sun Apr 26, 2015 11:44 pm

PintsizeBro wrote:
Andrew Corvero wrote:
I still feel that I DO NOT deserve to have a meaningful relationship on the fact that I don't meet some standard.

There's your problem, I think.
Cosigned. Alex, this standard you think women hold men up to, the vast majority of men fall short. Most of us don't make tons of money, have six-pack abs, drive a fancy car and last an hour in bed. The women who want these things know how rare they are. And there are plenty of women who don't care about money or abs or cars (thank god, I have none of those) and would get chafed if they tried to have sex for an hour.

If you're asking, "How do I meet women who don't care about those things?" you're on the right track. The thing to do there, is keep in mind that these women will care about other things. So your next questions to ask are, "What do these women care about?" and "What do I have going on that makes me an attractive potential partner?" You want to find overlap. What do the women you like want from a partner? You're in the military, which means you have a job, some degree of physical fitness, and the ability to do basic personal hygiene. That's not enough to land you in a relationship without something to make you interesting or attractive, but you would be surprised how many guys your age don't have those three seemingly basic things.

My immediate advice to you is to read more character-driven fiction. Take your time, read slowly. Observe the different characters, how they behave and how the other characters react to the things they do. Think about why the characters act the way they do. Reading fiction improves your social skills, this is something that's been studied and even shows up in the news from time to time. I of course would recommend anything by the late great Terry Pratchett, but read something you enjoy.

1.More like "Where in this God-forsaken rock can I find a woman who can love me unconditionally?"

2.Tell that to Mortar, all he has to do is put on an ACU, and women flock to him, I do the same thing, I repel them...

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Post by reboot Mon Apr 27, 2015 12:56 am

No one loves anyone unconditionally. Not even family
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Post by PintsizeBro Mon Apr 27, 2015 1:12 am

1. Nowhere. If you want a woman to love you, you have to be lovable. If you're looking for a woman who will be happy to just give and get nothing in return, she doesn't exist.

2. If somebody else succeeds where you fail, that means he's doing something you aren't. Mortar isn't successful because of his uniform, it's because women find him fun and attractive.

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Post by Guest Mon Apr 27, 2015 1:21 pm

PintsizeBro wrote:1. Nowhere. If you want a woman to love you, you have to be lovable. If you're looking for a woman who will be happy to just give and get nothing in return, she doesn't exist.

2. If somebody else succeeds where you fail, that means he's doing something you aren't. Mortar isn't successful because of his uniform, it's because women find him fun and attractive.

Well, this confirms it, I am invisible... The problem is I am afraid of women, since I don't know how they will respond to me.

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