Figuring Out The Whole Sex Thing [not a rant for once. I promise]

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Post by Guest on Tue May 19, 2015 1:58 pm

Hello there, it's the most toxic human being on the forum.

Which isn't a contest, I've looked at the main site's comments and I can see why you guys can tolerate me for so long.

Anyway, things have slightly calmed down in context of "OH MY GOD IM GOING TO FAIL OUT OF SCHOOL" and everything else, so I felt it was time to get back on the "how can Glides lose his virginity ASAP but then have socially acceptable levels of sex" horse and try to crack that equation for good.

On the one hand, the forum almost collectively agrees that the amount of sex you have means nothing. On the other hand, the rest of America would sharply disagree with you.

To give context as to why I'm interested in this again, beyond exercising and improving my fashion sense, both of which went disastrously, because I've gained twenty pounds since starting my job and need to spend the whole summer getting rid of the chub I've gained. I'm actually overweight now, goddammit. Anyway.

Yesterday I attempted filming an assignment for class with one of my best friends (he's the one who's tried and failed repeatedly to hook me up with his gorgeous friends, wondering to himself why ugly men and hot girls generally aren't compatible. Hint: looking like a Jewish stereotype doesn't help, lack of masculine square jawline, pale skin, all that shit. I am a self-hating Jew, I can't really help it.

ANYWAY. Been trying to stop myself from vomiting how much I hate myself, hasn't been working lately. As you saw from the last thread.

The other actor was someone brought in last minute. I've worked with this guy before. I don't like him. He's the exact type of person the neckbeards complain about: unbelievably attractive, unbelievably narcissistic, fucks more girls in a month than most men do in an entire lifetime. And he constantly brags about it, which gets him even more girls. Girls like assholes, blah blah that's not entirely true blah. It's the narcissism and confidence that is attractive, the lack of neediness, those are all sexy qualities. I envy him for it, but it all computes and I'm not about to blame women for having standards, because men generally have none to begin with. Fuck men.

Anyway, he spent every given moment not shooting insulting me, which was weird because he's never tried that before. He referred to my other friend as a "tasty piece of dark chocolate," to which my friend was unbelievably offended about. He left set that day having pissed everyone off, my decree was that we tolerate him for two more days for continuity and then never talk to him again. They got mad because he was referring to me constantly as "the ugly guy brought in to offset my sexiness," it wasn't even particular clever insults.

I was offended, but I've heard worse, and the point isn't to bitch about some egomaniac and his egomania. That's just context for what happened later. I'm kinda sleep-deprived, the writing isn't very good today.

"Yes Glides, you're talented at things." Aw stop it.

So me and my friend got to talking about this afterwards, and had about as much of a frank discussion about sex that two grown men in the Deep South can have. No virgin-shaming, he's one of the few who knows my dirty little secret. He doesn't approve of me lying, claims it'll "ruin the genuine emotional connection," but he's never had a problem sexually, so fuck his opinion.

It more or less covered my actual problems with women, that I overanalyze everything to the point where I find the worst possible conclusion and then believe it. Very few women give me signals as it is (a cute girl gave me the look at a coffee shop a couple days ago and then got visibly annoyed and refused to look at me again once she realized I was too coward to approach her). We went over my various fuckups I've had (most recently with the coworker, which I've spent many a month torturing myself over). It wasn't very illuminating because it required me to be selfish to have a decent level of experience.

Parts we didn't discuss: my subconscious belief that having sex with any girl, enthusiastic consent and all, was still a form of rape. But I was thinking about that, how I consider myself to be poison and filth and that by even touching a woman sexually, I'd be raping her, because I am disgusting and she is beautiful and such things are against the laws of nature. The jerkbrain confuses me. That I don't deserve happiness of any kind (I've more or less been slacking off in school because I deserve to be insulted). It's very masochistic, what I do. I am deliberately mediocre in all ways. If I exercised a lot, I might become attractive and then I'd have sex and then it would be wrong because I must be punished for existing and breathing. It's sad realizing that I could actually get everything I ever wanted if I could just break my own mind, if I could feel like I deserve it.

Friend's words: "if you know a woman is giving signals, don't fuck it up like you did with the coworker. Don't convince yourself she wanted free food. Just accept that she likes you and wants you and have fun."

More or less every sexual opportunity I ever had was ruined by me subconsciously sabotaging myself, to prevent me from being normal, That my subconscious mind wants me dead and wants me miserable enough to kill myself. My subconscious mind made me flub the job interview on Sunday (Note to fellow forum people: Apple stores want confident employees, not shy ones stumbling over their own words).

If not for my stupid mind, I could be the man I wanted to be, maybe. I could have lots of sex the way my friend has lots of sex (with a steady girlfriend now, but before that he was Casanova). And yeah, I'm obsessed with power and see sex as the ultimate power and that's why I want to have it. Not for pleasure, of course, my own pleasure is inconsequential. I've never been treated with respect before, I've never had anyone envy me before, I've always wanted to be viewed as superior to everyone else because I was always picked last for everything, I went to prom stag, I went to all the dances stag and never danced sexually with anyone, never got to do all the other things kids got to do. I won't even get to be an adult at this rate, I'll be a lonely manchild until I die because of my stupid fucking mind.

That's the problem: I can't fix it. I don't know where to start, what to work on first. I exercised and I was still so mentally toxic that even when a girl expressed interest, I verbally and emotionally abused her for the crime of finding me attractive, until she learned better and despised me like people are supposed to. Even with my friend expressing how much he liked me, how he'd take a bullet for me, all of that shit, I wanted to ruin it all, to find his deepest insecurity and get him to hate me, because I don't deserve to feel positive emotions or have other people view me positively. I can control it better, but the impulse is still there. I don't deserve to be loved in my mind, or cherished, or desired, or anything. I try to drive my own family away from me, I ignore their calls and their texts, so that they will hate me and abandon me so I can die alone and no one will care. My conscious mind, which wants me to succeed, is fighting my unconscious mind, which wants me to fail.

It's literally a mental Jekyll and Hyde complex. Jekyll is the conscious mind, the decent person, the one who wants to love and be loved back. Hyde is the subconscious, vicious and cruel and disgusting and hideous, the real genuine Glides. Deep down, Hyde wants to be good, but somewhere along the way, Hyde forgot how to be good and all he knows how to do is try to kill Jekyll.

Hyde has very nearly succeeded. Very few people still like me as it is. I've discovered that the second I no longer have a use for a person, I immediately cut them out of my life. I do this without thinking about their feelings. The second I no longer wish to see a friend, I burn that bridge. The second I'm done with a class, I break off contact with my teacher. The second a shrink expresses doubt that she can help me, I immediately stop going to the sessions. Yeah, my shrink was incompetent, I'm no longer in therapy.

And of course, with the forum, as long as you hate me, I feel secure and safe. Being liked or being desired or wanted is always a temporary state, but being hated is forever. I want security, with security comes control, with control comes power. If I am bad, then I can never be good, and then I'll be secure. I have learned to fear happiness and love, I have been taught that I don't deserve it, that with the beatings and the false friendships and the taunting and the hurt that has lasted for years on end, I have been made feral and rabid. I'm mentally the child locked in a closet for years, vicious and animalistic and masochistic. My teachers think of me as mediocre and uncaring, my parents think of me as a business investment gone sour, my friends think of me as the nice kid turned rotten, women think of me as a doormat and a pushover, but I have never felt more secure, because I have spent so long in negativity that when I am offered a kind voice or a friend, I immediately attack. A girl is somehow attracted to me, thanks to a series of tall tales told by a friend, and I disprove every lie by showing her Hyde, getting her to run away. She will never stop hating me. She'll remember me as the complete asshole she went out for Mexican food with once, that opinion can never be changed or fixed. All the people in my life will remember me as Hyde.

This got really out of hand, I wish I was drunk.


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Post by Dan_Brodribb on Tue May 19, 2015 2:28 pm

Glides wrote:Hello there, it's the most toxic human being on the forum.

Which isn't a contest, I've looked at the main site's comments and I can see why you guys can tolerate me for so long.

Glides, personal attacks are a violation of the forum guidelines.

I find your personal attacks on YOURSELF as harmful as attacks directed at others and as a mod, I'm asking you to stop.


Glides wrote:And of course, with the forum, as long as you hate me, I feel secure and safe.

Interesting.

Do you think tahat FEELING secure and safe is the same as BEING secure and safe?

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Post by eselle28 on Tue May 19, 2015 2:58 pm

<mod>In addition to Dan's request not to make personal attacks on yourself, I'm going to remind you that you've been asked not to make negative comments about Jewish people in these forums. These feelings may be your genuine ones, but they're also ones that are hurtful to other members of the community. This is a good place to talk about some things, but the forums aren't equipped to handle all topics, and this is one of the ones that we're not equipped for.</mod>
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Post by Enail on Tue May 19, 2015 5:17 pm

Glides wrote: My conscious mind, which wants me to succeed, is fighting my unconscious mind, which wants me to fail.

This seems like the heart of everything. And you know what? When you started posting here, you didn't recognize that. You took what your jerkbrain said as fact, you didn't know why you reacted in self-sabotaging ways, you just put it down to being terrible. Now you are increasingly seeing those thoughts for what they are, an adviser whispering poison in your ear, and understanding how that plays into your reactions. That's a real start.

And no, that doesn't instantly stop you from believing what it says and acting on it, but the more you practice recognizing the source of those thoughts and reminding yourself that they are not truth, the easier it will get to disengage from them instead of being swept up in them.

It's literally a mental Jekyll and Hyde complex. Jekyll is the conscious mind, the decent person, the one who wants to love and be loved back. Hyde is the subconscious, vicious and cruel and disgusting and hideous, the real genuine Glides. Deep down, Hyde wants to be good, but somewhere along the way, Hyde forgot how to be good and all he knows how to do is try to kill Jekyll.

And here you're jumping back into trusting the jerkbrain. Your conscious self is just as much genuine Glides as your subconscious.

Hyde has very nearly succeeded. Very few people still like me as it is. I've discovered that the second I no longer have a use for a person, I immediately cut them out of my life. I do this without thinking about their feelings. The second I no longer wish to see a friend, I burn that bridge. The second I'm done with a class, I break off contact with my teacher. The second a shrink expresses doubt that she can help me, I immediately stop going to the sessions. Yeah, my shrink was incompetent, I'm no longer in therapy.

Was this a 'I don't know if I can help you or not, this isn't something that has guarantees," a "I can't help you unless you X" or a "I don't think I'm the therapist who can help you?"

If it's the first one, get your ass back into therapy. I know it feels safer saying "I can't be helped" than "maybe I can be helped," but your conscious mind wants to succeed, and it is in charge, so that means you need to try things that might help you succeed, even knowing that some things you try probably won't help.  If it's the second one, well, that depends on if you are willing to do whatever X is.  If it's the third one, go back to your therapist and ask her for a referral to someone that might be better suited, or if she can't recommend a specific person, what kind of therapy or treatment might be better or somewhere that can evaluate you to find an appropriate treatment. Not every therapist can help every patient, that's normal. You got scared, you backed away, fine, now it's time to get back in there again.


And of course, with the forum, as long as you hate me, I feel secure and safe. Being liked or being desired or wanted is always a temporary state, but being hated is forever.

It definitely is if you assume you are hated forever regardless of what we actually say or feel Razz
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Post by BasedBuzzed on Tue May 19, 2015 8:12 pm

I can't recall you ever having posted pictures, but is it much to ask for that after having you rag on your appearance over and over without any chance to measure the moldable aspects of it?

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Post by The Wisp on Tue May 19, 2015 10:46 pm

Honest question, why do you think any self-respecting woman would want to have sex with you when it is very clear that you only want to have sex for the social side benefits it provides and not because you want to share a mutually pleasurable, connecting experience with them?
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Post by PintsizeBro on Tue May 19, 2015 11:02 pm

The Wisp wrote:Honest question, why do you think any self-respecting woman would want to have sex with you when it is very clear that you only want to have sex for the social side benefits it provides and not because you want to share a mutually pleasurable, connecting experience with them?
I think you're correct, but Glides is at least somewhat aware of this. He says he doesn't want to have sex for the pleasure aspect of it, but because he thinks of sex as power. This is related to why he treats women who might actually be interested in him so badly.

Glides, sex will not solve any of your problems. It will not give you power. It will not make you "normal." It will not give you the life you want. So stop trying. You are not ready. Work on pulling your head out of your ass first. There are a few hints of an okay guy in there somewhere, but you have a lot of work to do on yourself first.

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Post by Guest on Tue May 19, 2015 11:17 pm

The Wisp wrote:Honest question, why do you think any self-respecting woman would want to have sex with you when it is very clear that you only want to have sex for the social side benefits it provides and not because you want to share a mutually pleasurable, connecting experience with them?

Have I ever said a self-respected woman would want to have sex with me?

But yes to all of that, and all the shit Pintsize said.

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