brain: ALL HANDS TO BATTLE STATIONS!! CONDITION RED, REPEAT CONDITION RED!!

[Guest]

At the time of this post in 3 days is my Annual Training, a 2 week period during the summer for National Guardsman and Army Reservists to sharpen their skills in their respective MOS. In Puerto Rico, the AT will be at Camp Santiago, Salinas P.R.

During this AT my unit will be training with the other companies in the battalion: A, B, C, D, HHC (Current Unit) and the 3678th support company (Former Unit). that's over 2,300 people training together, add to that number the rest of Troop Command: 125th MP battalion, 130th Engineering BN, 1/296th Infantry (My battalion) and 11th Aviation. That's almost 12,000 people!! Now imagine off duty hours at the EM (on post soldiers club, I.E. a bar) with everyone there (Minus the Officers, they have their own place...) a sizable amount of the total are female, especially the MP's. There is one of the MP's I wish to talk to, Short hair, wide smile, large expressive eyes, tan skin. in the mind of a normal person, he will think: "She's cute, let me say hello" While in the mind of an Un-dateable person that has no chance with a woman (or a cute guy, remember, I swing both ways, but slightly lower on the Kinsey scale... ) whatsoever: ALL HANDS TO BATTLE STATIONS!!! CONDITION RED, REPEAT, CONDITION RED!! ENEMY BATTLE CRUISER OFF THE STARBOARD BOW!! READY ALL MAIN ARMAMENT!! RAISE DEFLECTORS AT MAXIMUM!! PREPARE FOR A GUN AND TORPEDO BATTLE!! CHARGE THE WAVE MOTION GUN!!

TL-DR, this--->

One half of me wants to talk to her, the other wants to avoid her like the black plague, what should I do, Talk to her and risk getting rejected and humiliated, being labeled the creep of the National Guard and risk committing... well... you know... ? or just avoid her and be labeled a failure and confirm my status as permanently and eternally un-dateable?

I am actually losing sleep over being single at 25... (NOW I know I am beyond fucked up...)

[Enail]

If you don't think your mental health state is up to handling a rejection in a healthy way at the moment, it's better not to risk that. How would you feel about a middle ground? Go planning to spend some time hanging out with your friends and trying to meet some new people (including women, even ones you're not attracted to!). And if you feel up to it, talking to her, maybe trying out flirting a little, but without planning to ask her out?

Instead of a situation where you have a goal of "ask person out and they say yes or it's failure," you might find it works better to have a more additive goal, where you get points for every new person you chat with or every woman you smile at or whatever goal you feel comfortable with? Something that can build your skills and your confidence, which will help you progress. ETA: It has to be a goal that's under your control, not something that depends mostly on the other person, so that you can be boosting your skills!

If you do decide to try something where a failure will likely feel humiliating and devastating, only do it if you can plan to survive it. Make plans to be around someone you know won't make you feel bad about a rejection, have an appointment to see your counselor soon afterwards, have a backup plan. Asking someone out where your entire self-worth or your whole life depends on it is so much pressure it makes it almost impossible to succeed!

[Guest]

If you don't think your mental health state is up to handling a rejection in a healthy way at the moment, it's better not to risk that. How would you feel about a middle ground? Go planning to spend some time hanging out with your friends and trying to meet some new people (including women, even ones you're not attracted to!). And if you feel up to it, talking to her, maybe trying out flirting a little, but without planning to ask her out?

Instead of a situation where you have a goal of "ask person out and they say yes or it's failure," you might find it works better to have a more additive goal, where you get points for every new person you chat with or every woman you smile at or whatever goal you feel comfortable with? Something that can build your skills and your confidence, which will help you progress.  ETA: It has to be a goal that's under your control, not something that depends mostly on the other person, so that you can be boosting your skills!

If you do decide to try something where a failure will likely feel humiliating and devastating, only do it if you can plan to survive it. Make plans to be around someone you know won't make you feel bad about a rejection, have an appointment to see your counselor soon afterwards, have a backup plan. Asking someone out where your entire self-worth or your whole life depends on it is so much pressure it makes it almost impossible to succeed!

That's the problem, there is no middle ground, every social context feels like an epic battle, I am a social freak. "A more additive goal"? like what? I've tried everything to improve my situation, nothing has worked so far...

The only way to succeed is to be a tall, tan, rich and handsome, I have no chance...

P.S. Backup? What fucking Backup? Every time I fuck up my supposed "Battle buddies" ditch me to pick up the crap.

Screw this!! I am going to have to pay for it... It's the only way to have an intimate connection with someone, since the majority of people see me as an Un-dateable freak they would not touch with a 30 meter pole.

[Enail]

So, what I mean by an additive goal is one where instead of total success vs. total failure, you instead start from neutral and get points for practicing skills you want to work on. It doesn't sound like it's a good time for you to be trying something that will really stress you out or make you feel bad, but rather one to gradually build your confidence and practice. Those things will help you in the future, whereas pushing yourself into something that terrifies you and will make you feel bad if it doesn't go how you want, will only reinforce your fears!

So, maybe every woman you smile at gets you a point. Or if you're feeling more ambitious, every new person you talk to (say "hi," ask if they're having fun, what unit they're from, excuse yourself and move on after a little bit). If you get 10 points, reward yourself with a treat you like or something relaxing after the party.

[Guest]

So, what I mean by an additive goal is one where instead of total success vs. total failure, you instead start from neutral and get points for practicing skills you want to work on. It doesn't sound like it's a good time for you to be trying something that will really stress you out or make you feel bad, but rather one to gradually build your confidence and practice. Those things will help you in the future, whereas pushing yourself into something that terrifies you and will make you feel bad if it doesn't go how you want, will only reinforce your fears!

So, maybe every woman you smile at gets you a point. Or if you're feeling more ambitious, every new person you talk to (say "hi," ask if they're having fun, what unit they're from, excuse yourself and move on after a little bit). If you get 10 points, reward yourself with a treat you like or something relaxing after the party.

Until I reach what? This idea does not sound very rewarding, I do not have time left, I am 25 years old, I am WAY over my due date, Like I said might as well pay for affection, It's the only way, or self medicate with alcohol again... to numb the unbearable pain of loneliness.

[Enail]

I know you feel like you've got to hurry, but if you're pushing yourself beyond what you can manage right now, that will just be counterproductive, like trying to do sports when you've got an injury. Instead, doing gentler exercises will help build up your strength, have some good interactions with people, and then you will leave the party having met a bunch of cute women and had some fun with them, and next time, you'll know that you can do that and be more confident - and you'll know some more cute women, which doesn't exactly hurt your chances when you are ready to flirt or ask someone out!

[Guest]

I know you feel like you've got to hurry, but if you're pushing yourself beyond what you can manage right now, that will just be counterproductive, like trying to do sports when you've got an injury. Instead, doing gentler exercises will help build up your strength, have some good interactions with people, and then you will leave the party having met a bunch of cute women and had some fun with them, and next time, you'll know that you can do that and be more confident - and you'll know some more cute women, which doesn't exactly hurt your chances when you are ready to flirt or ask someone out!

.....

[Enail]

[Guest]

I don't know hat to say. (can we keep conservation through PM?)

[Enail]

Sure!

[Guest]

Sure!

Than Lock this thread up temporarily (Incase someone else wishes to comment on this).

[Enail]

<mod>Locking thread temporarily at user's request </mod>

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