Learning to Accept That I Will Die Alone

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Learning to Accept That I Will Die Alone Empty Learning to Accept That I Will Die Alone

Post by Guest on Sun May 24, 2015 10:21 am

I've made some progress on my mental state. I've been able to fully accept that I will never achieve any kind of success as a filmmaker, that all the stupid stories I've made up over the years will never truly exist, and that I probably won't even be working in film. More than likely just some pathetic day job that pays just enough to let me survive, that seems to be my most likely fate. Took months of hard mental work to truly realize this, that my childish dreams were just that: childish. Adult reality has set in.

But the last hurdle I can't get past mentally is accepting that I will die alone, that I'll never be with a woman in any capacity, ever. Despite knowing consciously that such a thing would never happen, that romance and sex are not meant for me, that I am a genetic mistake and this is why I will spend my life as a virgin, my subconscious mind won't stop reminding me of it, shaming me for it. Whenever I see happy couples, I feel the distinctive twinge of jealousy and envy.

I don't know how to let go of all that. I don't know how to wake up in the morning and not even think about it, where always being a virgin won't bother me. My enemy is hope.

I need to lose all hope somehow. I need to be able to take my final vow of chastity and mean it, and not wishing that I wouldn't have to make it. I have to be able to remove all desire from my mind (very Buddhist, I know), but chemical castration is expensive and dangerous. I have to realize that I am, as cliche as it sounds, Forever Alone. I just don't know how to be able to accept it and not let it bother me that I am. Because I desperately want to be desired and loved, but I understand just by looking in the mirror and through my interactions with people that I simply don't have the qualities needed for that privilege.

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Learning to Accept That I Will Die Alone Empty Re: Learning to Accept That I Will Die Alone

Post by BasedBuzzed on Sun May 24, 2015 11:37 am

On the scale of hopeless cases, you don't score that high(not to belittle your feelings, but you have a lot of qualities folks like these don't possess):
https://twitter.com/wizardchantxt
https://twitter.com/r9k_txt

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Post by Enail on Sun May 24, 2015 12:19 pm

Well, as you said, Buddhism is kind of the classic for giving up desire and learning non-attachment. I'm sure you can find some guides to Buddhist practice online or at any bookstore. They do take practice, though; it's not an instant fix any more than anything else is.

I can't say that I think giving all hope of doing anything you want to do and declaring yourself Forever Alone is a particularly good idea - I think you're feeling a lot of despair and so you're catastrophizing and jumping to extremes again - but I do agree that being able to put those goals aside and dial back the intensity of that desire for now might be really helpful to you, since you aren't in a state where those are something you can work on in a productive, healthy way right now and they're causing you a lot of pain.
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Post by Guest on Sun May 24, 2015 6:26 pm

BasedBuzzed wrote:On the scale of hopeless cases, you don't score that high(not to belittle your feelings, but you have a lot of qualities folks like these don't possess):
https://twitter.com/wizardchantxt
https://twitter.com/r9k_txt

Like basic hygiene. I've definitely got that one down.

Interesting sidenote, the topic kinda came up today when I was hanging out with my roommate (new one, thank God, he's much cooler) and his girlfriend.

Roommate knows I'm a virgin (and is one of the very few people IRL who knows, not even my parents know) and doesn't care. Girlfriend doesn't know I am, but knows I'm terrible with women. She believes the "I only get laid when I'm drunk" lie.

She criticized me thoroughly, not to be offensive, just matter-of-fact. Something like this:

"You're one of the most insecure people I've ever met. Your body is OK, but your clothes are always too big for you and that indicates that you have self-esteem problems. They're always t-shirts and jeans, indicating that you do not value yourself at all. Your clothes are always clean and you always shower, so you have only the bare minimum respect for yourself. Your problem isn't that you're repulsive, your problem is that you're unbelievably bland and dull. You're not dull around us, but you shut down the second you see a girl you're attracted to. Like when that cute waitress passes by, you look like you're hiding from the Nazis then."

She gave us both a few seconds of astonished looks, and then said "before you even start, women like men with nice clothes. And every person on this planet, especially me, is unbelievably shallow and self-obsessed. Compassion and empathy don't exist. So don't even be that asshole who pretends they're beautiful on the inside, because it's not a thing. God's not real, fuck you, get nice clothes and get laid."

I think I respect this woman. I'm still doomed, but I got mad respect for her.

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Post by Guest on Sun May 24, 2015 6:46 pm

Glides wrote:

She gave us both a few seconds of astonished looks, and then said "before you even start, women like men with nice clothes. And every person on this planet, especially me, is unbelievably shallow and self-obsessed. Compassion and empathy don't exist. So don't even be that asshole who pretends they're beautiful on the inside, because it's not a thing. God's not real, fuck you, get nice clothes and get laid."

I think I respect this woman. I'm still doomed, but I got mad respect for her.

Sounds to me like she coulda been facetious.

I mean, I wear jeans and a t-shirt, all the time actually. I'll mix it up with my peacoat or hoodie, but standard uniform is jeans and a t-shirt that always fit and hug my contours. Razz

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Learning to Accept That I Will Die Alone Empty Re: Learning to Accept That I Will Die Alone

Post by Andrew Corvero on Sun May 24, 2015 7:05 pm

"You're one of the most insecure people I've ever met. Your body is OK, but your clothes are always too big for you and that indicates that you have self-esteem problems. They're always t-shirts and jeans, indicating that you do not value yourself at all. Your clothes are always clean and you always shower, so you have only the bare minimum respect for yourself. Your problem isn't that you're repulsive, your problem is that you're unbelievably bland and dull. You're not dull around us, but you shut down the second you see a girl you're attracted to. Like when that cute waitress passes by, you look like you're hiding from the Nazis then."

I think she may have a point, although it's less about being "dull" and more about being insecure and shutting off when you're afraid of being rejected. That seems to be a huge problem for you from what you've written before.

"before you even start, women like men with nice clothes. And every person on this planet, especially me, is unbelievably shallow and self-obsessed. Compassion and empathy don't exist. So don't even be that asshole who pretends they're beautiful on the inside, because it's not a thing. God's not real, fuck you, get nice clothes and get laid."

Women do like men with nice clothes, but she was pulling your leg.

There's no need to "pretend you're beautiful on the inside" or to be a saint. Just being approachable is more than enough. Being kinder to yourself would be a bonus. Being kinder to others would come as a natural consequence, not as an act to attract others or to be a people pleaser.

You seem to be confusing kindness or empathy with needy behavior, people-pleasing and inoffensiveness. They're not the same thing.

Compassion and empathy don't mean you do nice things to others to be liked, or that you claim to be "beautiful on the inside" to hide what you are on the outside. They simply mean you understand other people on an emotional level and interact with them on an equal footing.

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Learning to Accept That I Will Die Alone Empty Re: Learning to Accept That I Will Die Alone

Post by BasedBuzzed on Sun May 24, 2015 8:04 pm

Glides wrote:
BasedBuzzed wrote:On the scale of hopeless cases, you don't score that high(not to belittle your feelings, but you have a lot of qualities folks like these don't possess):
https://twitter.com/wizardchantxt
https://twitter.com/r9k_txt

Like basic hygiene. I've definitely got that one down.

Interesting sidenote, the topic kinda came up today when I was hanging out with my roommate (new one, thank God, he's much cooler) and his girlfriend.

Roommate knows I'm a virgin (and is one of the very few people IRL who knows, not even my parents know) and doesn't care. Girlfriend doesn't know I am, but knows I'm terrible with women. She believes the "I only get laid when I'm drunk" lie.

She criticized me thoroughly, not to be offensive, just matter-of-fact. Something like this:

"You're one of the most insecure people I've ever met. Your body is OK, but your clothes are always too big for you and that indicates that you have self-esteem problems. They're always t-shirts and jeans, indicating that you do not value yourself at all. Your clothes are always clean and you always shower, so you have only the bare minimum respect for yourself. Your problem isn't that you're repulsive, your problem is that you're unbelievably bland and dull. You're not dull around us, but you shut down the second you see a girl you're attracted to. Like when that cute waitress passes by, you look like you're hiding from the Nazis then."

She gave us both a few seconds of astonished looks, and then said "before you even start, women like men with nice clothes. And every person on this planet, especially me, is unbelievably shallow and self-obsessed. Compassion and empathy don't exist. So don't even be that asshole who pretends they're beautiful on the inside, because it's not a thing. God's not real, fuck you, get nice clothes and get laid."

I think I respect this woman. I'm still doomed, but I got mad respect for her.

>clothes too big for you
Here, that's a basic in dressing yourself that everyone skips. Plus it will help you not just in the boner arena, but also in the professional world. Perhaps dumping a few pics in the fashion thread could help(it has cheap shopping tips too, I think).

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Learning to Accept That I Will Die Alone Empty Re: Learning to Accept That I Will Die Alone

Post by Guest on Mon May 25, 2015 1:07 am

Andrew Corvero wrote:
I think she may have a point, although it's less about being "dull" and more about being insecure and shutting off when you're afraid of being rejected. That seems to be a huge problem for you from what you've written before.

Yeah it's not particularly easy to stop doing. Been trying for years. Read every goddamn article the Doc wrote about ("rejection isn't bad, shut up!") and it hasn't helped a bit. I'd classify dullness as exactly what I do around attractive women, get stuttery and giggly and lose any semblance of masculinity. [/quote]

BasedBuzzed wrote:

>clothes too big for you
Here, that's a basic in dressing yourself that everyone skips. Plus it will help you not just in the boner arena, but also in the professional world. Perhaps dumping a few pics in the fashion thread could help(it has cheap shopping tips too, I think).

No I don't think I'm going to do that and run the risk of one of you figuring out personal info about me based off of that. The internet lives on forever and all that. Just conclude I wear simple clothing that's too big for me to compensate for my body dysmorphia.

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Learning to Accept That I Will Die Alone Empty Re: Learning to Accept That I Will Die Alone

Post by Andrew Corvero on Mon May 25, 2015 4:53 am

Glides wrote:
Andrew Corvero wrote:
I think she may have a point, although it's less about being "dull" and more about being insecure and shutting off when you're afraid of being rejected. That seems to be a huge problem for you from what you've written before.

Yeah it's not particularly easy to stop doing. Been trying for years. Read every goddamn article the Doc wrote about ("rejection isn't bad, shut up!") and it hasn't helped a bit. I'd classify dullness as exactly what I do around attractive women, get stuttery and giggly and lose any semblance of masculinity.

It might be an issue that articles aren't enough to fix. You can read all the dating help articles in the world but if you don't address some deep-seated issues they won't help you.

By the way I don't think that the Doc is simply saying "Rejection is bad, shut up". That would be very unhelpful. He's saying that if someone just isn't into you for whatever reason it's better if they're honest and they let you know it. Rejections suck, but by themselves they just don't tell you anything about you. They just tell you something about someone else's feelings towards you.

Ultimately everyone rejects other people all the time, implicitly if not explicitly. If you don't find someone attractive (and I'm sure you do, since nobody can be attracted to everyone of the gender(s) they're attracted to) you're rejecting them. They may not care because they don't find you attractive, either, but the rejection is still there.

The problems arise when someone finds someone else attractive and they don't feel the same. But the problems are only in how you react to the rejection. If you generalize one or even many "no" into a statement about the entire gender you're attracted to you'll suffer much more than if you say "OK, I was rejected by this specific person, which means I'm not attractive to this specific person. Nothing less, nothing more".

BasedBuzzed wrote:

>clothes too big for you
Here, that's a basic in dressing yourself that everyone skips. Plus it will help you not just in the boner arena, but also in the professional world. Perhaps dumping a few pics in the fashion thread could help(it has cheap shopping tips too, I think).

No I don't think I'm going to do that and run the risk of one of you figuring out personal info about me based off of that. The internet lives on forever and all that. Just conclude I wear simple clothing that's too big for me to compensate for my body dysmorphia. [/quote]

I can sympathize with that. Have you tried asking a friend for fashion advice? In my experience many people love giving others tips. The girl you're talking about seems very outspoken and not afraid to offer honest feedback, so if you asked her "How could I look better?" she could probably give you some pointers.

She even said that your body is OK, which is actually a good point about yourself you've ignored. You should really believe her, since she hasn't spared your feelings about everything else! So why don't you say to her "You're right, I wear clothes which are too big for me. Do you have any idea where I could find good, decent-sized stuff to wear that could look good on me?"

You respect her opinion a lot. Her opinion could be an asset for you to improve yourself.

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"You shouldn't take advice from random strangers on the Internet too seriously" said the random stranger on the Internet.
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Post by Guest on Mon May 25, 2015 7:39 pm

Andrew Corvero wrote:
It might be an issue that articles aren't enough to fix. You can read all the dating help articles in the world but if you don't address some deep-seated issues they won't help you.

By the way I don't think that the Doc is simply saying "Rejection is bad, shut up". That would be very unhelpful. He's saying that if someone just isn't into you for whatever reason it's better if they're honest and they let you know it. Rejections suck, but by themselves they just don't tell you anything about you. They just tell you something about someone else's feelings towards you.

Ultimately everyone rejects other people all the time, implicitly if not explicitly. If you don't find someone attractive (and I'm sure you do, since nobody can be attracted to everyone of the gender(s) they're attracted to) you're rejecting them. They may not care because they don't find you attractive, either, but the rejection is still there.

The problems arise when someone finds someone else attractive and they don't feel the same. But the problems are only in how you react to the rejection. If you generalize one or even many "no" into a statement about the entire gender you're attracted to you'll suffer much more than if you say "OK, I was rejected by this specific person, which means I'm not attractive to this specific person. Nothing less, nothing more".

I'm not stupid, Corvero. The sky is blue, Justin Bieber can't sing, and I'm not stupid.

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Post by Andrew Corvero on Mon May 25, 2015 7:56 pm

Glides wrote:
Andrew Corvero wrote:
It might be an issue that articles aren't enough to fix. You can read all the dating help articles in the world but if you don't address some deep-seated issues they won't help you.

By the way I don't think that the Doc is simply saying "Rejection is bad, shut up". That would be very unhelpful. He's saying that if someone just isn't into you for whatever reason it's better if they're honest and they let you know it. Rejections suck, but by themselves they just don't tell you anything about you. They just tell you something about someone else's feelings towards you.

Ultimately everyone rejects other people all the time, implicitly if not explicitly. If you don't find someone attractive (and I'm sure you do, since nobody can be attracted to everyone of the gender(s) they're attracted to) you're rejecting them. They may not care because they don't find you attractive, either, but the rejection is still there.

The problems arise when someone finds someone else attractive and they don't feel the same. But the problems are only in how you react to the rejection. If you generalize one or even many "no" into a statement about the entire gender you're attracted to you'll suffer much more than if you say "OK, I was rejected by this specific person, which means I'm not attractive to this specific person. Nothing less, nothing more".

I'm not stupid, Corvero. The sky is blue, Justin Bieber can't sing, and I'm not stupid.

I never said you were. But sometimes it's good to tell yourself things you already know.

By the way, what do you think about asking that girl some fashion advice?

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"You shouldn't take advice from random strangers on the Internet too seriously" said the random stranger on the Internet.
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Post by Guest on Tue May 26, 2015 10:54 am

Andrew Corvero wrote:

I never said you were. But sometimes it's good to tell yourself things you already know.

By the way, what do you think about asking that girl some fashion advice?

I'm not going to talk to her about it again. I don't want her thinking any lower of me than she already does. I'm also not interested in her somehow discovering my secret and spreading it to my entire social group. I don't know her well enough to know if she'd do that or not.

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Learning to Accept That I Will Die Alone Empty Re: Learning to Accept That I Will Die Alone

Post by Enail on Tue May 26, 2015 12:48 pm

You could keep it strictly to fashion and just ask if she's going to tell you you dress badly, she should tell you what would be an improvement. You don't have to talk about self-esteem with her to do that.
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