Mixed feelings on attraction

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Post by Dannyboy on Thu Jul 30, 2015 7:42 pm

Hey guys, its me again, sorry.

Anyway, a met this girl on OKC a couple of days ago and we're really hitting it off, so much so that she wants me to meet her at her house a couple of weeks from now. The problem is, I'm not sure if I'm attracted to her.

For one, she's overweight, which is not necessarily bad but in here photos its doesn't seem to look good on her. But there a lot of other things I do find attractive: I think she has a beautiful face, she's a writer like me, she's an extremely kind person, I really like the way she calls me sweetie. I also don't want to hurt her feelings, either by not going out with her or breaking up later because I don't find her attractive.

So, what should I do, should I give this a chance.

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Post by nearly_takuan on Thu Jul 30, 2015 8:06 pm

Her weight is the only issue? You said "for one" so it sort of sounds like there might be more but you didn't follow up with anything that didn't sound positive.

If it affects your decision, lots of people look worse in photos than they do in person for all sorts of reasons. Being overweight generally doesn't help with that. So you may feel differently if you see her in person. If you decide to.

Most people don't start dating with the intention of breaking up later. Break ups happen all the time. Usually when they happen it's at least partially because one person was insufficiently attracted to the other. It is just not possible to make guarantees at this stage, so adjust your expectations accordingly.

I can't possibly know what her life has been like up to this point, so salt this liberally, but as someone who frequently gets rejected before it would've even been possible for the other person to decide whether or not we are "relationship material", and usually for reasons that seem to be too embarrassing/rude to bother explaining, I would rather be rejected after a first meeting/date than before.
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Post by Caffeinated on Thu Jul 30, 2015 8:09 pm

When you say you met this girl on OKC, does that mean you've met in person? Or that you've met online only? If you've met in person and you're not attracted to her, then probably best not to pursue things. But if you haven't met in person yet, I think you should meet and see if you're attracted to each other in person. Some people photograph funny but when you see them in real life, in motion, look great. Some people you like the look of them in photographs but in person something just doesn't click. So if you like her personality, then see if you also hit it off in the flesh.
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Post by eselle28 on Thu Jul 30, 2015 8:13 pm

If you truly have mixed feelings and aren't just talking yourself into liking someone you don't, I'd say go ahead and go on one date with her. I'd strongly suggest that it not be at her house, though! Safety matters for men who are dating online as well, and probably more pressingly, meeting somewhere in public makes it easier to keep things short if you end up meeting and deciding you're not interested.

As for hurting her, it hurts to be rejected both before and after a first date. You certainly don't need to let her know why you're not interested in either case, though.
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Post by CP96 on Fri Jul 31, 2015 10:06 am

For me personally, if you have to ask yourself if you're actually interested in someone, then you already know the answer. As far as I'm concerned, anything that isn't an enthusiastic "yes" is a "no."
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Post by reboot on Fri Jul 31, 2015 10:27 am

CP96 wrote:For me personally, if you have to ask yourself if you're actually interested in someone, then you already know the answer. As far as I'm concerned, anything that isn't an enthusiastic "yes" is a "no."

That would be an excellent point for someone you already know IRL, but I think OLD is a bit different since people meet someone they were attracted to online and realize that they are not attracted IRL all the time and vice versa. I would say it would be worth meeting for a cup of coffee or something to see if there is any there there.

But for the love of physics do not do first meeting at someone's house. Too much can go badly wrong up to and including being ambushed.
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Post by Nerdator on Fri Jul 31, 2015 10:37 am

Dannyboy wrote:Hey guys, its me again, sorry.

Anyway, a met this girl on OKC a couple of days ago and we're really hitting it off, so much so that she wants me to meet her at her house a couple of weeks from now. The problem is, I'm not sure if I'm attracted to her.

For one, she's overweight, which is not necessarily bad but in here photos its doesn't seem to look good on her. But there a lot of other things I do find attractive: I think she has a beautiful face, she's a writer like me, she's an extremely kind person, I really like the way she calls me sweetie. I also don't want to hurt her feelings, either by not going out with her or breaking up later because I don't find her attractive.

So, what should I do, should I give this a chance.

The combination of the bolded bits would have made me very uncomfortable if I were in your place.

As to the 'she's great and interesting in every way, but she looks fat in a sorta-kinda unflattering way on her pictures at OKC' bit, are you sure your name isn't Seinfeld?
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Post by rj3 on Fri Jul 31, 2015 12:18 pm

Caffeinated wrote:Some people photograph funny but when you see them in real life, in motion, look great. Some people you like the look of them in photographs but in person something just doesn't click.

In my experience on OLD, it always goes the other way. I had a rule of threes - anyone can take one really good picture, but if you still like the third best one, it's probably the closest you'll get to what you expect in real life.

To echo others, you should never, ever, ever invite someone to meet at your house for the first date or go to someone's house on the first date. If you show up and the walls are covered with plastic sheeting and she's wearing rubber gloves, don't use your last words to say that the Nerdlounge didn't warn ya!

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Post by Caffeinated on Fri Jul 31, 2015 12:53 pm

Just a side note, but I've actually met someone at their house or apartment for a first meetup from OLD on more than one occasion, as well as having someone come to where I was staying for a first meetup. More convenient that way if you're just doing a one time casual hookup.
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Post by Dannyboy on Sat Aug 01, 2015 5:55 pm

Thanks for the replies, guys. I've decided to take your advice and wait until we meet. I mean, she's a really awesome girl and if she wants me, she deserves at least a chance.

As for the safety meeting at her house thing, I don't know, maybe its just because I'm a guy but it didn't make me feel uncomfortable at all. I mean what's the worst she could do, kill me? If she really wanted to, she could do that anywhere. But I took your advice and asked if she'd like to go to museum instead and she said yes.

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Post by eselle28 on Sat Aug 01, 2015 6:32 pm

Museums are a great date spot! Have fun!
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