Venting... also feeling lonely, DESPERATELY need to talk to somebody, anybody, but too afraid to initiate a conversation. (Opinions or advice)

[Alex1989]

Since re-making my profile, I have been pretty quiet, I have not posted since the fiasco not long ago, I recently posted on my return from that break, I basically had to stay away from the blog and forum due to my fragile state, everything triggers feelings of (but not limited too) despair, hopelessness, depression, envy, self hate, anger, frustration, and in the most extreme cases, suicidal ideation. looking back at my mistakes, I needed get a grip on my life, it was going out of control like a runaway train on the NY Subway. however, I needed support, I could not do it alone, I do not know where to start, I do not even have a set of defined goals, I feel like I am neglecting not just my life, but my health and well being, I think I might need a life coach.

I have let my lack of a love and sex life haunt and corrupt my well being and my mind, I started isolating my self from the world, finding solace and comfort in anime and documentaries on the Cold War. I rarely left my house for anything except if it was absolutely necessary. I have not spoken to anyone in a non angry tone in weeks, relations between me and my family is rocky at best and WWIII at worst. I have had days when I wanted to talk to someone, but was too afraid to initiate a conversation, I ended up hoping someone will call or text, but no one ever did. I was too afraid to say the first word due to my extreme anxiety and fear that someone will lash out at me and end the friendship, regarding my friends (and people in general) I have to walk on eggshells all the time. even here in the forums, I have to watch what I say lest I evoke the wrath of the mods and have the entire forum hunt me down like a dog. Every letter written, every word spoken may be used against me for even the slightest offense, this is the main reason why I rarely speak my mind in person, let alone speak with anyone at all...

This fear is exacerbated when I have to engage with someone of the opposite gender, hearing what "Women can do to a guy if he does not meet her standards in all context" in junior high and high school, combined with my lack of experience with women and my multiple rejection, has warped and distorted my view on women. I used to think women can solve my problems, but it is only a Band-Aid on a sucking chest wound. when I realized a girlfriend will not make me a better person magically,  I was devastated, I felt that my problems would be unsolvable.

Let's not forget on the excessive straw manning, the lies and false equivalences about women... I even believed at one point that they were evil and mean. I was wrong...

Now I am still here, and I need to learn on how NOT to depend on other people excessively. I need to learn on how to take control of my life. I need to learn the other people cannot make my life better, just compliment it, Like pumpkin pie, with whipped cream it tastes better, but the pie still so good and sweet by itself. I need to learn and accept that people will and do like me, even love me. Learn that women are not trophies or personal "love nurses" (Sorry about my choice of words, but it was the best option in this case.) but people with their own preferences, emotions and feelings. I need to start to desensitize to the blog and forum, I am blowing all this WAY out of proportion. (so I do not repeat the stupidity I have done.) I need to learn to empathize with others, especially women. And to stop believing the MRA/PUA crap and stop doubting the benevolence of others, there are really nasty people out there in the world, but the truly kind and generous greatly out number them.

I have to do all this in the mean time, since the Colonel is in the States in training. so basically just hold on until the cavalry arrives.







P.S. Thanks again, Enail and Werel for the cat pics! feel free to send more, preferably pics of cats, jets or cats flying jets! (I'm just excited that the SWAT Kats are coming back!!)

[Enail]

Uh, I'm not sure that moderator wrath is in quite that high supply, and we definitely don't have the technology for the entire forum to hunt people down like dogs. That sounds like one of those thoughts that is getting out of proportion there.

It sounds like you've been doing a lot of intense thinking and some smart looking after yourself.  I hope you'll find the Colonel helpful. In the meantime, maybe it would help to use an online resource like Moodgym for exercises to practice things like recognizing jerkbrain thinking and coping skills? It's no substitute for a professional, but maybe it can help you wait for the cavalry.

(Is this the cavalry? )

[reboot]

Hey Alex, seconding everything enail said. I am too wiped out to be able to give much advice (it is a stressful time in refugee issues), but I can do cat pics

[Alex1989]

Uh, I'm not sure that moderator wrath is in quite that high supply, and we definitely don't have the technology for the entire forum to hunt people down like dogs. That sounds like one of those thoughts that is getting out of proportion there.

It sounds like you've been doing a lot of intense thinking and some smart looking after yourself.  I hope you'll find the Colonel helpful. In the meantime, maybe it would help to use an online resource like Moodgym for exercises to practice things like recognizing jerkbrain thinking and coping skills? It's no substitute for a professional, but maybe it can help you wait for the cavalry.

(Is this the cavalry? )  

Yeah... I knew I should have re-written that to avoid exaggeration...

P.S. OMG ITS A CAT IN A JET!!!

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