Should i really make my intention clear?

[Alex1989]

"Ok, so I got jerkbrain in a coma, handcuffed to the hospital bed with six security MP's keeping guard, in a room guarded by 2 Spetznaz Special Forces by the door in a Siberian gulag surrounded by mines, snipers, attack dogs and patrolled by Hind gunship helicopters armed with anti tank missiles, unguided rockets and a machine gun that can shred a man into raw hamburger... so... I think he won't be messing around for a long time!"  

Any way lets get serious, for quite some time, I've been wondering whether I should make my intentions clear if I want a relationship or casual sex with a person. This dilemma arose when I was talking to some friends of mine. One says to just make a friendship first, than slowly build a relationship with him/her, the other says to make my intentions clear from the start.

This has gotten me confused. Now to be clear, I am not going to try to find a partner at the moment, my therapy and mental well being is my priority, but when I am ready what is the course of action should I take?

P.S. I will write a post about what happened to me in December and regarding my therapy.

[reboot]

I think that if you and a person are getting emotionally or physically intimate, it is better to make what you want from the relationship clear to try and avoid (as best as possible) someone misunderstanding and getting hurt. This includes you getting hurt. If you want a relationship and they want casual, it is better for you to learn that before getting too emotionally attached

[Alex1989]

I think that if you and a person are getting emotionally or physically intimate, it is better to make what you want from the relationship clear to try and avoid (as best as possible) someone misunderstanding and getting hurt. This includes you getting hurt. If you want a relationship and they want casual, it is better for you to learn that before getting too emotionally attached

Oh, this... makes sense, So basically, be clear on what I want from the relationship to avoid any misunderstanding to avoid getting hurt or hurting others.
(and avoiding making myself look like a jackass...)

Reboot, you amaze me.

[Werel]

Yeah, definitely what reboot said, with the caveat that "what I want from this relationship" can change over time. But honesty is still your best approach; if you go into it thinking you just want casual, but find over time that you want more, the best thing is to let your partner know. Communication has to happen throughout a relationship, not just at the beginning.

[Alex1989]

The post is up here: https://nerdlounge.canadian-forum.com/t1078-my-therapy-this-a-post-on-what-happend-that-made-me-start-therapy-comments-welcome

[Kiskadee]

I agree with reboot and Werel. It can really be a relief when someone makes their intentions clear, even if it feels like it's going to be really awkward in the moment. Even when it is awkward in the moment, I usually am happy that things were clarified (been on both sides of this).

If you do this respectfully, and the other person is upset, know that it's not your fault and that there probably wasn't a lot of compatibility there between what you wanted anyway. In this worse case scenario, you still save some time.

Good luck!

[Hirundo Bos]

I'm also for being clear about your intentions from a relatively early point. Maybe not the first thing you say to someone... there ought to be some sort of connection beyond first moment attraction. And taking the time to build that connection is for your own sake as well, it lets you know if the attraction is more than a first minute rush or not. But when you begin to feel that you do have a particular intent, it's a good idea to bring that intent across.

People will have different preferences about how directly they'd like the topic broached, so some may respond better than others... as Kiskadee says, as long you're respectful about it, their reactions will show you how compatible your communication styles are.

And finally, I don't know if this applies here, but like with other things, it might be wise to frame your intentions in ways that don't depend on the other person's choice. So rather than "I'd like us have a casual sex", which can seem a bit imposing, I think it would be better with something like "I'd like to see if this encounter can end with casual sex," or "let's see where this is going, but I think I should tell you that I'm not looking for something serious right now"

or something in that direction...

Actually, I'm still working on this bit myself, so maybe someone else will have some suggestions?

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