How does long distance dating realistically work?

[Jayce]

So I won a free concert ticket on Saturday and I went, met an amazing woman there, she was around my age, she's a student in the same field of study, we had so many overlapping similar interests, she's single, she says nice things about me, and I feel like she kind of likes me as well, we have similar taste in movies, like similar music, like being around each other. Everything's good, except she lives in another state. I've looked into the cost of visiting her, and it will take around $200 each time I go (just for the plane ticket and staying at a cheap place, so realistically I can't visit her that much without a full time job. At the moment I can maybe in real life visit her two times a year (3 times might be pushing it but I can always look into whatever I can to make more money). The main problem is that domestic interstate travel in Australia is cheapest by plane but that is still $200 for a return air fare.

I'm not up to the relationship phase with her yet, we haven't even started officially dating, we spent a lot of hours together before she left my city, she introduced me to her mother already and her mom hung around us cause I was kind of their tour guide, I wasn't going to ask her on a date in front of her mom and brother. Plus she is super shy, she straight up told me she's shy and awkward, and she apologised several times for not having anything much to contribute to the conversation, so it was better off if we started things slower.

We are both interested in continuing contacting each other online, we spent an hour today chatting on Facebook, and because we are quite direct, she asked me how much should she be messaging me so we can still be in contact but not annoy me. My answer was that she can message me whenever she likes, but if I'm busy I'll let her know and we'll talk later. I asked her the same and she feels the same way so our rule is: if we are busy we'll let the other person know, but otherwise we are both happily to talk to each other sporadically.

As someone who has never dated anyone or been in a relationship, I want to ask, how is this realistically going to work? I do really like her, and I want to give this a chance. But are we doomed from the start? Aren't long distance relationships even harder than normal ones? How are we going to develop a relationship if most of our time is spent online and not on actual dates? Right now my plan is to keep talking online, then in a few months I'll visit her in her city (or before then if she comes and visits me, it's also possible for us to meet half way), and ask her out on a official date (with the word date) and take it from there.

I don't really like to openly ask someone out online and prefer to it in person, and since she's really shy, I'm going to have to make the first clear romantic move, though she contacted me online first to ask me how often she should message me. She also remembered our conversations well enough and actually watched the movie that I recommended to her, and she loved it. So it's clear that she's making effort to build up at least a friendship if not more.

Now that I'm writing about it, this does sound a little bit crazy since we haven't even gone on a single date together yet, but if it dosen't work out when I visit her, at least I'll get to have a little holiday in another state and we would still be friends, so I have nothing much to lose from trying. Does anyone have any stories of long term relationships that actually work out, or just long term dating? Are there any good strategies to actually make this viable? We do live in the same country and it only costs us $200 ish dollars to see each other once or around $130 if we both meet half way so it isn't a fortune, but since we are both young and students we don't exactly have a lot of money so it will be a long distance relationship, unless public transport magically progresses tomorrow morning in Australia.

[reboot]

I know plenty of folks in LDRs as they tend to be occupational hazards of working in humanitarian and refugee aid (and military, foreign service, journalism, etc). As with any other type of relationship, the variations in LDRs are many. For example, many people had a relationship before LDR happened. In some cases both people are in highly mobile careers and both are contributing to the distance, in others only one person is mobile. And so on, so lessons from one set of experiences may not translate well. However, here is a list of things that seem to help make things work:

- Talk a lot either by Skype or phone. Texting and emailing will not cut it
- Get used to having the tough conversations over Skype/phone. Do not save up things until you are together because they will never get discussed because no one wants to "ruin" the time together
- Try to make realistic plans to be near each other in the future, even if it is only for a few months
- Know that distance makes everything in a relationship harder

[Werel]

My partner and I were long distance for a cumulative ~2 years, off and on, and I will cosign that it does make pretty much everything harder. But I think there are personality types, and relationship types, that weather it better than others. For example, me and my dude are both very much recreational conversationalists, i.e. long, in-depth conversations are a preferred pastime for both of us; that's a much easier thing to do long-distance than if neither of you enjoys talking on the phone, or if the majority of your connection takes place through quietly being in each other's physical presence. We are also neither of us particularly jealous; folks who are uncomfortable with the idea of their SO spending the vast majority of their time with other people, some of whom are their preferred gender, probably would have a hard time handling a LDR. And third, I think the fact that we were already pretty committed to each other also made it easier; have to imagine that it'd be more stressful and difficult to do a LDR if the nature of the relationship were not firmly established, but I don't know. Never done the sort of burgeoning are-we-aren't-we long-distance thing you're describing.

Agree with all reboot's recommendations, especially about having the hard conversations over the phone. And I don't think you're crazy for considering pursuing this girl long-distance; if you find that you have that same chemistry talking on facebook/skype/whatever, there's no reason not to give it a shot. If nothing else, like you say, you've made a cool new friend and some memories of a trip to a new city.

[Jayce]

Well the good news is, the spontaneous messaging method is working out for us so far, she also seems comfortable online with me since she told me she's into gender bender romances, and finds reasons to chat with me like "should I watch this movie or go look for manga to read?". She's less shy online compared to real life.

She also plays single player video games, maybe her and I can play something together online, while skyping? I don't usually play single player games, but maybe I can look into ones that have an co-op option.

I am a bit scared that I might run out of stuff to talk about, but since we like talking about movies, I can always just watch a new movie and tell her about it. I think she's also scared about that as well since she has apologised to me directly multiple times (when we spent time together irl) as well as online, that she didn't know what to say, how to continue the conversation or how to respond, but I'm ok with her nervousness and I tell her that.

Also, if I can stay at her place when I'm there it will help cut down the costs of seeing her, and she can definitely stay in my place if she visits me.

If we skype, I'm planning to dress up since I would feel too nervous if she sees me in my pyjamas, that wouldn't be weird for skype right? Also our time zones are only 30 minutes apart so I'm thinking 7-9 pm at night is a good time for us, and it wouldn't be too hard to change schedules since the time difference is not a factor at all.

[reboot]

Having a scheduled time is a good idea and dressing up is fine. I guarantee she will also put some attention into her appearance as well.

[Jayce]

well unfortunately she told me she dosent want to skype cause she would be too nervous to have her face in front of a camera, and she said she's always looking messy at home, and she's insecure about her appearance. Is skyping really essential to long distance relationships? Can one work without it?

I don't think we'll get over this hurdle. She's too shy to take that chance.

Edit: She says she's willing to try audio but she also gets nervous speaking to people on the phone. She's very shy and nervous in most forms of conversation apart from writing. But she'll try it once. Is audio good enough? Or does it have to be webcam with audio so our relationship might have a chance?

I told her that she can type to me if she's nervous, and I said that I don't want to make her feel uncomfortable, and we can stop any time she tells me to, she said that would be a nice measure.

She also said that if she gets comfortable with talking then maybe she can skype but she also said "I can't ever imagine not feeling weird about this".

[reboot]

It does not have to be Skype. It just needs to be talking, not texting back and forth. Y

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