Working on Diabetes and Depression

[Aggrax]

Tuesday morning I have my first doctor appointment of the year and I know how it's going to go. They will tell me that I'm completely unable to control my diabetes and I'll make some kind of half-hearted mumbling comments and excuses. The truth is, I can't do this. I barely ever take my medication. I almost never use meal-time insulin and I maybe use nighttime insulin once every three days now. I eat far to much, far to often. I know what I should be doing to get better but I can't even make myself care about my own life enough to do it. I feel like I osculate between being an unfeeling, empty pit and a snarling ball of hate and rage that wants to rip myself to shreds. Neither side cares if I feel well or healthy or whatever. Everything bad is deserved, par o f some kind of life long self flagellation for the fact that all I seem to do is take and leech and hold people down. I hate this stupid fucking paradox I twist myself in where I crave attention but hate myself for it. Every single bit of contact I have with anyone makes me feel like I'm wasting time, contributing nothing. I can't even think about these things without feeling like I'm some kind of false front, a liar that tricks myself into believing that I'm broken or hurt or sick because I know that's the fast track to the attention I want but don't deserve. I can't even tell anymore what's going on in my own head. I'm so scared of something I can' even identify, some kind of nothing I can't understand. Im scared people will see it and hate me as much as I do. I'm scared that what I am, my soul, is some ugly broken unwanted thing. I just shove it so far down and pretend that I'm normal, that nothing is ever wrong because I can't let anyone see. It keeps me from talking about anything. I sound so stupid when I talk, like I'm trying to paint a rainbow and I don't have any colors. I can't understand so I can't explain so I just stay quiet because it's better to hurt in silence than scream in pain. I don't know if there is anything I can do anymore. I feel like all I have left is tears. Useless

[Hirundo Bos]

Hi, Aggrax. I'm sorry you're in this place, it sounds both painful and confusing. I've been in situations myself where self-control hasn't worked the way it's supposed to, which is the way everyone else seems to believe it works. Like controlling my anger, I was absolutely helpless with that as a child. And though I now know that self-control is way way more complex than the "whatever you put your mind to, you can do"-bullshit we're told, and I'm in a pretty good place mentally, I still have to work to not believe in the opposite extreme, that nothing I do makes a difference at all. And I still feel shame and self-contempt whenever I express any kind of emotion...

I don't know if this relates to your situation or not, but I do believe you're describing your situation pretty well, in this post here. So I wonder, would it be to scary to print out these exact words, and ask the doctors to read it when you visit? Your feelings are probably more common than you think, and a doctor is likely to know where to go from there.

[Enail]

That sounds like a horrible bundle of things to be feeling, I'm sorry you're hurting so much and have so much self-hatred and fear. And it must be really stressful having all that pressure to manage your diabetes when you can't bring yourself to keep on top of it.

I think it's smart of you to want to convey what's really going on with you to the doctor rather than doing the dance of being chided and making excuses. And I agree with Hirundo's suggestion, printing this out would be a great way to get the situation across so that the doctor can have a good understanding and know best where to go from there. It's your doctor's job to help you with this stuff!

(Also, painting arainbow without any colours worked for Jackson Pollock! )

[Aggrax]

I don't know if I would want to print out this post exactly. I wrote it at 4 in the morning when I was dead exhausted because for some reason it feels easier. I don't second guess as much because I don't have the energy. I worry a lot that I'm exaggerating things and making a big deal out of minor problems. It's easier to deal with when I feel empty, because I feel like I think more rationally, even if I tend to not think much at all during those times.

[Enail]

Since you do mention in the OP that you're concerned you're exaggerating or subconsciously making it up, I think it's clearly getting across both the more intense feelings and your sense that you're making too big a deal of it, so it would be giving the doctor the information they  need to decide how to interpret it and respond for themselves.

[reboot]

I know you are not keen on the idea of therapy, but your disease management problems sound very suited to CBT or other techniques where you reprogram habits. Things like taking medication can become so programmed that you think of it as much as you think of flushing or wiping after going to the bathroom. You might need to focus less on willpower and more on habit development

[Aggrax]

I know you are not keen on the idea of therapy, but your disease management problems sound very suited to CBT or other techniques where you reprogram habits. Things like taking medication can become so programmed that you think of it as much as you think of flushing or wiping after going to the bathroom. You might need to focus less on willpower and more on habit development

I'm honestly not sure what my opinion on therapy is right now. I sometimes felt a little better when I was going, but I don't feel like I actually accomplished anything. I'm not really sure how well things would work out.

[reboot]

You could try Moodgym to see if CBT it works for you. It is free. There are also a bunch of habit development programs that are free and online. I know others here have used some and might be able to recommend.

[Aggrax]

I'll try to check that out and see if it could work.

In one of those "fun little twists" life throws at me, tomorrow I'll be getting up early and going to Prompt Care because I've been sick as crap the last three days. This morning I woke up with what I think is pink eye and based on the pressure on the right side of my head, I think I might also have an ear infection.

While I don't want to use the first post in this thread, I do want to print something out to give my doctor on Tuesday. Here's a rough draft of what I think would work.

I typed and printed this out because I don't trust myself to be able to express this in words. When I try I get very emotional and have a great deal of trouble expressing everything I want to say. Hopefully by explaining myself this way I can better articulate what I want to say. To start with, I'm having difficulty taking my medications. I'm very inconsistent with the pills, almost never use mealtime insulin and have frequently skipped my nighttime insulin, sometimes for several days in a row. My eating habits are still very out of control. I know, on an intellectual level, that I need to be doing these things. I'm scared though that none of it will help. That I've passed a point of no return and that I'm physically and mentally incapable of successfully changing my life. I seem to change between bouts of extreme apathy, where I'm unable to care about even the most basic elements of self care, and bouts of intense self loathing that leave me emotionally unable to deal with anything. I don't know what to do. I don't know if there even is something I can do. I'm not even sure how much this will actually help, but I felt like I had to get it out there. Thank you for reading.

[Enail]

That sounds like a good bit to give the doctor! I think it gets across everything you were saying in the first post, but is a little more organized and calm-sounding.

And ughhhhh eye infections are horrible, so much sympathy. Hope you get better quickly and before the ear infection starts getting really painful!

[Hirundo Bos]

Agree with Enail. Well written, and looks like it will bring across what you need it to bring across.

[Werel]

That is well written, and lays out what you've said here concisely. I hope the doctor is able to work with you to at least come up with some answers to "what can I do."

And ugh, pinkeye suuuucks. Hope you feel better soon.

[Aggrax]

Pinkeye does suck, but honestly it's the ear ache that's killing me. It has apparently decided that what I need is sharp, shooting pain inside my head. Not fun.

By the way, if anyone could tell me if it's better to keep the infected eye open like normal or closed most of the time, I would really appreciate it.

[Enail]

I don't think it matters either way. But it's super-infectious, so try not to touch your other eye without washing your hands first!

[Aggrax]

So, I completely passed out last night and wasn't able to get the post printed off, so instead I copied it all down in a notebook and brought that instead.

The Bad: My AC1 is still way, way to high. It was 14.1 when they measured it, which is almost double what it should be. Getting it to go down is going to be a very long process.

The Good: I got a huge surprise today when I weighed in on the scale. For the first time in 4 years, I was under 400 pounds. Apparently I was so shocked that the nurse though I was afraid of something. I very nearly burst into tears right there.

Writing down what I was feeling was so helpful. I feel like I actually made a step forward today in getting a little bit better. I scheduled an appointment for tomorrow to see my primary care physician and have an appointment later today at a local mental health facility to see someone there.

[Enail]

That's great, Aggrax! Well done, and glad it went well too! It sounds like you made a whoolllllle bunch of steps towards getting better today!

[Werel]

Awesome, Aggrax! Glad it went well.

[Aggrax]

Today was more doctor stuff, specifically seeing my Primary Care Physician, which is an ironic name since I hadn't seen him since 2014*. The weigh in at his office also came in under 400 lbs (396.6 to be exact) which made everything so much nicer since the one thing I was dreading was the scale saying something way larger than yesterday and finding out the previous scale was improperly zeroed. More appointments for tomorrow and then I should be clear for at least two weeks unless bacteria decides to invade some other part of my body.

I am now officially taking antidepressants. We had a long talk about the benefits and drawbacks and whatnot and I follow up with him in two weeks to see how things are going.

*Part of the reason it was so long was because there was because I eventually felt so ashamed over my lack of progress I started avoiding doctor visits. The other part was that, apparently, around Fall 2014 and a good part of 2015, my Doctor was battling cancer. I only just learned this today, along with the thankful news that it's in remission.

[Enail]

Congrats again! I hope the antidepressants are helpful and the bacteria leave you alone!

[reboot]

Good to hear, Aggrax! Keep us posted

[Werel]

Congrats on the scale not being a liar, and murdering all those bacteria! Hope the early days of antidepressants go smoothly and the scrip you're on is a good fit for you.

[Aggrax]

Job interview today. Super nervous, so any positive vibes appreciated.

[BasedBuzzed]

Pace your talking. Don't be discouraged by brief silences. Understand that you are also looking whether or not the job/work climate is a fit for you, no matter how hard you might need it. Overcome the impostor syndrome by linking positive qualities you talk about to situations in the past that show said qualities. You will beat yourself up after the interview, but try to translate any criticism into something that can be improved for the next time instead of only using it as a cudgel. Also pat yourself on the shoulder for making it to the interview round. You've already changed plenty about yourself to the positive, so do not dismiss that. You can do this.

[Enail]

Good luck, I hope it goes really well!

[Werel]

Goooood luck!

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