20s.....why am i so lonely?

[bitboy1993]

All I hear about is that your 20's is when your life really takes shape. It's when you go do crazy stuff and make memories that last a life time....yet mine right now are going downhill. For various reason's I've lost a number of friends (Moved away, New Jobs etc) and really my social circle is getting smaller and smaller. I really felt down when my best friend moved away across the world. I'm happy for him but at the same time it's been hard to deal with.

I know doing new stuff such as clubs would help but my new work hours ensure I can't do anything.(Had no choice as I faced redundancy from old job) I'm trying to find a new job but sadly it will take time....and even then I'm not sure what I want to do.

I've recently finished therapy and while it was helpful these recent setbacks have hit me really hard. I don't think going back will really change much so now I'm just trying to keep myself busy with exercise.

Sorry just wanted to vent this out....just feels like my time to have a normal social life is running out.  I'm just worried I will fall back to my old ways of sitting at home doing nothing every day.

[Enail]

For all the talk about 20s being a time of crazy escapades with lifelong friends, it's often a period of big changes, and that can result in big shakeups of friendships and unexpected loneliness. So if it helps any, I don't think you're alone in that at all. And honestly, people move and friends grow apart and social circles break up at all ages, and there are people who are lonely or who could use a few more friends at every time in life, so the chance to make friends isn't something with an expiration date.

That sounds tough having your work hours interfere with your ability to build a social life. Is there anyone at your job that might be a good bet for befriending? Even if it's only a casual work friend rather than someone you could see becoming close to, it can still be nice to have someone friendly around in your life on a regular basis.

[Werel]

Agree with Enail that every life decade is bound to have its tumultuous, painful, lonely, or otherwise generally lousy parts. Especially the few years right after college, when social circles tend to dissipate as people disperse for employment, SOs, etc. My late 20s have been maybe the loneliest time of my life due to that very "we're all adults now so byyyyeeee we're scattering to the four winds" phenomenon. It's pretty normal.

Work friends are a good make-do kind of friend until you can find people you really click with. Also, work friends can become real friends, or introduce you to potential new friends. After-work happy hours/lunch with coworkers are usually a pretty good idea at a new job, if you can stomach your contemporaries.

[eselle28]

A third vote for life being more complicated than one decade being easier than another. A decade is a long time, and most of us will have ups and downs over that sort of period. I also think that the advice that twenties are a nice time is often given to people whose late teens are particularly tough for them, and who will welcome a life transition. Someone who has some friendships to be shaken up by life transitions won't necessarily feel the same.

I think that taking a look around for new work friends is a good idea. Even if there isn't anyone who sticks out to you as a potential friend, you might want to do a little research and figure out how other people who are working the same hours that you are about how they manage their lives and avoid doing more than sitting at home all the time. This can be particularly hard if you work nights or have a rotating schedule, but I do know people who have this issue and who have found some productive ways to occupy their time when their free time is unpredictable or when many other people are working.


I also think that, to the extent you can, you might want to schedule some time to skype or talk on the phone with your best friend, when they have a little time. It doesn't need to be something you do constantly, but sometimes even an occasional check in can lift the spirits.

[Guest]

Friends dispersing happens at any age. I was 20 when many of my friends decided to uproot and go north to college. At least my friends that are in Los Angeles are only a 2 to 3 hour drive away. Friends come and go, really. It's understandable that losing this many friends is a little anxiety inducing, but its not the end.

Also, even going to local university is enough to suck the social life outta buddies.

[bitboy1993]

Wow thanks for the advice guys it’s really given me some stuff to think about. I know that life has ups and downs, I think losing so many friends has hit me quite hard. To be honest I’ve been pretty hard on myself as well about it, rather than simply accepting that it’s something that can happen to anybody. I still have quite a few friends form work who gather around mine every month or so. We are planning a sort of party around mine for my birthday so it's something to look forward to.

Funny enough the majority of my friends are work related. Besides my best friend I really only see one or two people from my old uni course. I get along with the people in my new job and overall do enjoy it. I have at time struggled to fit in. My therapist said it sounds like I put loads of pressure on myself to be as likable as possible to everyone(Then place 100% blame on myself if something goes wrong).

I also think that, to the extent you can, you might want to schedule some time to skype or talk on the phone with your best friend, when they have a little time. It doesn't need to be something you do constantly, but sometimes even an occasional check in can lift the spirits.

We still speak on Skype every few days and yeah it really does cheer me up. I'm sure I will see him again one day it's just hard not being able to hang out with him. I’ve been thinking of applying again to do some volunteering work at my local dog shelter. Even If I don’t meet anyone would still be nice to do something outside the house.

That said I would like to find a new job, simply so I can start fresh and break somewhat free from my rut.

[bitboy1993]

Was wondering if anyone had advice for regaining motivation. For whatever reason one of my old school friends has simply stopped talking to me. She won't respond to my texts or the email I sent her. I had not seen her since august but did speak to her a little in December although not about anything big. It's hit me really hard and my overall anxiety about meeting people has gotten worse.

[reboot]

Was wondering if anyone had advice for regaining motivation. For whatever reason one of my old school friends has simply stopped talking to me. She won't respond to my texts or the email I sent her. I had not seen her since august but did speak to her a little in December although not about anything big. It's hit me really hard and my overall anxiety about meeting people has gotten worse.

For me, doing volunteer work gets me out of ruts. There is something about doing something that is not focused on me gets me back on track. It is also a good way to meet people you normally never would and do something new. Where I live, the parks department posts things like clean up or habitat restoration (e.g. weeding, brush clearing) and there are MeetUps that do volunteer work

[sky]

Another option is signing up for a class. This can be anything: exercise, a hobby activity you've never tried, etc., that hopefully meets on the same day and time for at least a few weeks in a row, so you have a scheduled and committed reason to get out of the house and go be somewhere that will have some people to interact with. For me, it helps if it's a class I've paid actual money to register for, because then I feel like I can't just skip it if I don't feel much like going when the scheduled day arrives.

When you're there, talk to the other people about what they like to do, and they might suggest some other activities that sound interesting to you, and if you feel up to it, you can go try those things as well.

[bitboy1993]

Another option is signing up for a class. This can be anything: exercise, a hobby activity you've never tried, etc., that hopefully meets on the same day and time for at least a few weeks in a row, so you have a scheduled and committed reason to get out of the house and go be somewhere that will have some people to interact with. For me, it helps if it's a class I've paid actual money to register for, because then I feel like I can't just skip it if I don't feel much like going when the scheduled day arrives.

When you're there, talk to the other people about what they like to do, and they might suggest some other activities that sound interesting to you, and if you feel up to it, you can go try those things as well.

Yeah I'm really keen to start a french class as I would like to visit the country. My biggest problem is my work as I'm working days when these classes run. But yeah classes are something I'm really keen to start.

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