How do I not psych myself out?

[Glides]

Context: I met a girl. Online.

At this point I've known her for a month, we've been texting pretty consistently and video chatting so we both know what we look like.

I know at this point that if we meet (and we're supposed to next week), it's almost inevitable that we're going to get physical.

On the one hand, the last attempt at a relationship completely backfired and I'm still extremely scared it's just who I am and it's going to happen again, that I'm only going to attract women like that.

On the other, I've actually had a full conversation with this girl, and we're typically talking for several hours at a time, only getting off because we know we'll be too tired for our respective jobs otherwise. I know I've got the rose-colored glasses on but I haven't found any red flags with this one so far.

This girl is also strangely similar to me in a lot of ways, so many that it's almost like she's me if I was an attractive woman. For one thing, she's a virgin and has no sexual experience and very much wants me to be her first. Obviously I'm going to try my best to take things slow and make sure she's enjoying herself and devote as much attention as possible to her pleasure (and I really do want to, one of the good things about the last relationship was just how much I enjoyed giving oral).

I dunno, my first time was extremely frightening and I felt so goddamn confused about what I should do, and now that I've been talking to someone who is in a similar position that I was, I really do want her first time to be wonderful. I've only known her a month but I really do like her, quite a bit more than i was expecting to. I know, don't put her up on the pedestal, I'm trying hard not to.

But again, we both have skin conditions, we both have a history of mental health problems, we both suffer from severe anxiety and depression, we both were part of fundamentalist religious groups as kids, we're both essentially estranged from our own families...

What I mean to say is that this is the first time in a really long time that I've felt anything beyond sexual desire for another human being, and for those of you who remember my old posts, there was a lot of talk on my end about sexually dominating women that I didn't feel anything beyond desire for.

So again, this all makes me very self-conscious because I certainly have some degree of emotional connection with female friends, and also female friends that I also desire, but this is the first time both have suddenly clicked at once.

I mean, if it's any consolation to you guys, I did something very out of character and admitted my actual amount of sexual experience and she didn't care. So I was stupid for lying the last time around. I haven't lied to this girl once the entire time we've talked, I've been nothing but vulnerable and honest and emotional and all the shit I always assumed would make me look weak and it's kind of scary how well it's all working out.

I'm just patiently waiting for something to go wrong, and I'm patiently waiting to see if she'll get bored of me in the next week and break off contact for good. I can't stop worrying about that.

[BasedBuzzed]

1)This is not a once-in-a-lifetime thing. You will find people like this and get better at finding them.
2)Giving someone a wonderful time is not just about performance (not only in the physical sense, but also in the sense of having to facilitate the optimal romantic feel), as you know. Communicate, laugh, you know you can let yourself go here.

Otherwise it sounds like you've got it good, I'm happy for you!

[Enail]

Yeah, what BasedBuzzed said. And way to go for being open with her (and having it go fine)!!!

[Werel]

Yep, BasedBuzzed nailed it.

Good job handling yourself well and honestly with this girl; now just keep it up. The way to not psych yourself out is... to not psych yourself out. Don't listen to paranoia-brain's bullshit, focus primarily on how awesome this person is and how much you like her, pay attention to what her words and body language say, and you'll be just fine. Sounds like you're finally finding your sea legs, which is not much of a surprise at all.

[reboot]

1)This is not a once-in-a-lifetime thing. You will find people like this and get better at finding them.
2)Giving someone a wonderful time is not just about performance (not only in the physical sense, but also in the sense of having to facilitate the optimal romantic feel), as you know. Communicate, laugh, you know you can let yourself go here.

Otherwise it sounds like you've got it good, I'm happy for you!

^^^^ Thirding what BasedBuzzed said. These are the answers

[Izmuth]

Hey Glides, how're you doing? Hoping everything is going swell still I'm proud of the progress you're making, even if you can't see it yourself, it's quite clear from your posts.

Good to hear you're emotionally connecting!

Can I only ask how the "previous partners (or lack thereof)" conversation started in which you heard she was a virgin? Because it's generally a bad idea to have that conversation.

You can't win anything from it, and yet you can lose everything from insecurity if you don't watch out after that conversation.

Just my 2 cents.

[Glides]

Hey Glides, how're you doing? Hoping everything is going swell still I'm proud of the progress you're making, even if you can't see it yourself, it's quite clear from your posts.

Good to hear you're emotionally connecting!

Can I only ask how the "previous partners (or lack thereof)" conversation started in which you heard she was a virgin? Because it's generally a bad idea to have that conversation.

You can't win anything from it, and yet you can lose everything from insecurity if you don't watch out after that conversation.

Just my 2 cents.

She was the one who started it, actually. She asked me straight up to take her virginity, as she wanted to lose it before she turned 21 (she's six months younger than me). Was very taken aback by this because I've never had anyone initiate that kind of talk before.

I admitted I'd only had one other partner, mostly to comfort her, and she took this as a sign that she must have sex with me as I would be less judgmental than someone who had been with a lot of women (as she put it, though she was constantly reassuring me that she was physically attracted to me).

So on Friday we met and things escalated much faster than I expected and we hooked up, then proceeded to spend the next two days mostly in bed together.

The really shallow thing to say is that she wasn't as physically attractive as my ex, but she made up for with pure enthusiasm and it was very odd to have someone wanting to give me pleasure as much as I wanted to pleasure them. So overall was a much better experience for me in every possible way.

Trouble that ended up brewing was the massive feelings of guilt and fear I felt as soon as we would finish. This specifically applied to receiving oral or PIV. When I went down on her, nothing but excitement and enthusiasm. She goes down on me and after I feel like I've just committed a horrible crime against humanity. None of this shame was directed at her, I didn't think any less of her for it, only myself. It got so bad that I ended up having an anxiety attack at one point and she literally held me as I struggled to stop hyperventilating. I was lucky that she was so understanding about it, I guess. I really needed that after the shit my ex pulled.

I didn't feel as though I deserved pleasure, i guess, that I should only exist as a tool for her pleasure and nothing else. Even though she was strangely enthusiastic about giving oral much more than receiving (as a result, my dick has been given the name of Richard Sparky, subtext being that my dick is electric), i still felt like I was using and manipulating and hurting her whenever she did anything that only pleasured me. Luckily I didn't have the backlash that ended my previous relationship, I didn't close off and cut her out. Even though this isn't serious (she is now my first-ever friend-with-benefits), it was surprisingly meaningful to have someone not care if you're afraid for no reason.

I dunno, I want to see her again.

[Enail]

Very cool, it's awesome to have a friend-with-benefits that really includes the friend part, of being someone supportive and who wants to look out for your wellbeing! And it's great that you're managing to handle your anxiety and guilt better with her, too.

Maybe it would help to remember that, as you've experienced yourself, it can feel really good to give a partner pleasure. That applies to the other person too! Letting them focus on giving you pleasure sometimes in the way you get to do for them isn't selfish or using them, it can be something good for them, too, it's just letting both of you have a mix of different kinds of pleasure. That said, if it's more stressful and unpleasant than enjoyable for you, it's also okay to not do it, and a decent partner will understand and respect that.

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