Anxiety slowly breaking down any progress I've made

[Glides]

What I was supposed to do today: go to the gardens, film for a project for class, try to play Pokemon Go without the GPS breaking down, be generally productive.

Instead, I'm about to miss class, have filmed nothing, and haven't bothered finishing any projects for work either because I'm scared as all hell.

What started it was smoking dabs for the first time on Saturday, which resulted in one of the worst anxiety attacks of my life, which lasted from 7 PM to 1 the next morning nonstop and had me crying hysterically in the car and writhing around in pain. Luckily, no one caught me doing this, I've been caught having anxiety attacks before and it always makes me unpopular. I was able to convince everyone that the drugs had made me really sleepy and that's why I'd left the party to break down in my car.

I can understand the pattern that makes people addicts: they want to do anything to avoid the fear, drugs usually take away that fear. Hell, I'd do meth right now if someone offered, I don't give a shit how addictive it is. I just want an excuse to break the fuck down and become the failure I'd always predicted I'd be.

I had nearly calmed down from that when I found out my graduate review is in less than a month, giving me almost no time to finish what is required for it, and the anxiety kicked back in all over again. It's almost guaranteed that I'm going to fail it (my least favorite teacher is in charge and he hates my guts), and if you fail the review you're immediately expelled. Which then means I can't get a job, which means I'll never amount to anything. No one hires a college dropout, let alone someone who's been kicked out.

Not to mention that I don't really have a support network, my parents keep telling me to man up and just deal with it, I'm 21 and living with them with a job that pays barely anything and I know that there's no such thing as rock bottom because I only go deeper and deeper.

I don't know what to do. I'm trying my best not to revert to the classic Glides method of insulting myself as much as I can and snapping at anyone who tries to say something nice to soothe their own guilt. I've driven enough people away as it is.

I just don't think there's a light at the end of the tunnel for me. I don't even think my tunnel ever goes above ground. Otherwise I wouldn't have been like this for so long. If I had made an iota of process, I wouldn't feel like this.

[Enail]

It's pretty common for pot (and other drugs) to cause a flare-up of anxiety (even though it can also relieve anxiety, depending on the strain and the person ). And sometimes once anxiety's triggered, it takes some time to get out of it, so try to remember that you're probably still in a state of heightened stress and things are not as bad as they feel. And anxiety is an up and down thing, having a flare-up doesn't mean you've not made progress overall.

Even if you do fail the review, that's not going to mean you can never get a job. Plenty of college dropouts and people who never went to college in the first place get jobs, and anyway, this is an MA program, right? You've already graduated from college, you have a college degree, so you are in fact a college graduate, not a dropout.

You're treating this as really black and white, either you succeed at everything perfectly all the time or you're a total failure, but that's not really how life works. Chances are, you're going to struggle and fail at some things throughout your life, but even if some of them are pretty major things, that doesn't mean you'll never amount to anything or that you'll never succeed at things that matter to you. You've already succeeded at things in your life, and if you keep working at it, you'll probably succeed at many more things.  Yeah, it's a big thing and it'd be great if you can pass the review, but even if you don't, it won't destroy your whole future. It's okay to fail at things.

If you're considering street drugs, maybe see a psychiatrist and ask about medically prescribed anti-anxiety options? Some people I know have had bad experiences with anxiety meds, so I'm inclined to recommend caution, but you'd be looking at at least the same kinds of risks with the illegal variety.