FWB attempted suicide, not sure what to do [advice]

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FWB attempted suicide, not sure what to do [advice] Empty FWB attempted suicide, not sure what to do [advice]

Post by Glides on Thu Aug 11, 2016 2:23 pm

Hello all,

I've mentioned before that I had recently hooked up with a girl who goes to a college about 2 hours away from me. She was wonderful, but clearly suffered from severe anxiety and depression that was far more extreme than me even at my worst (longtime members know how toxic I was back then).

We had mostly fallen out of contact, texting infrequently after she had decided on a whim that she didn't want anything more to do with me because she believed she didn't deserve happiness of any kind.

Two nights ago I get a strange text from her mentioning that she doesn't plan on living much longer and I immediately call her. She has attempted to overdose on some kind of prescription medication and failed. In the same conversation she tells me without warning that she's deeply in love with me, that I'm her soulmate, and she'll never want another man as long as she lives.

Here's the problems with this: we have only known each other a couple months and in that time have only hooked up twice. That's the extent of any time we've spent together. And while I do enjoy spending time with her in a nonsexual context, I've explicitly told her from the beginning that this would never progress any farther than this and that if she wanted something serious than she needs to back out. The entire time she insisted all she wanted was sex and nothing else, but this is increasingly proving to be a lie.

She has not once asked for anything exclusive, continually insisting that if I want to find a "better girl" and sleep with her, I can, as if it's her permission to give. At the same time, I don't know what to do about all this. I've given her information to find cheap mental health services quickly and she continually refuses to do so. I am increasingly turning from a fuck buddy into a babysitter and I spend all day worrying that she's going to break down again and off herself.

It's gotten to the point where we only text each other good morning and good night because any more interaction leaves me worried she's going to break down again. She isn't in a good place mentally and I don't know how to help any more than that.

It's all strange because she keeps insisting she isn't interested in a relationship and that i'm not required to help her with her problems but every time something goes wrong she goes running to me anyway for emotional support. It's draining the hell out of me at this point.

As of now I've told her that all of this is exhausting and I need to stop talking to her for a few days to recharge somehow, and she seemed understanding. As long as the conversation doesn't involve her own blatant self hatred she's a joy to talk to, and it reminds me a lot of my own behavior when I was younger (and she's only a few months younger than I am). I can see through her how much of my behavior was a pain in the ass and pushed people away, including many of you who probably wouldn't resent me if I hadn't been such a jackass.

So I guess this is karma for me being a little shit when I was younger but I still don't know what to do. I'm not her boyfriend or her therapist and I shouldn't be expected to be either. This is why I don't date.


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Post by BasedBuzzed on Thu Aug 11, 2016 4:02 pm

What is her other support network?

Can you do a slow fade without feeling consumed with guilt?

Have you established hard boundaries when it comes to self-dissing, pedestalling you and suicide threats?

She needs people who have a better connection with her and aren't in an as vulnerable position to be emotionally blackmailed, giving you the opportunity to take a step back and be firmer about your interaction, I'd say.

Pompeii, VIII.2 (in the basilica); 1904: "O walls, you have held up so much tedious graffiti that I am amazed that you have not already collapsed in ruin."

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Post by Enail on Thu Aug 11, 2016 5:50 pm

That sounds very stressful and I'm impressed at how well you've been handling it in looking after your own needs while being as kind as possible. Since you've recognized that the current situation isn't okay for you, it sounds like time to set some harder boundaries.

If, and only if, you want to keep the FWB situation (IMO, it seems like it would be best to end it), you could tell her that you've been very clear that you're only interested in a casual, non-exclusive FWB situation, that is still the case, and you are not okay with all that 'soulmate' talk. If she'd still like to keep things casual, she needs to find ways of managing her feelings that don't involve you, if she doesn't want to keep things casual, it's time to end it.

If, and only if, you want to keep talking with her platonically (whether you stay FWBs or not), maybe tell her that you like talking with her and you can be a 'fun chat' kind of friend but you cannot be an emotional support friend; if she needs to talk to someone about her self-hatred or her mental health, she needs to find another friend or a therapist to talk with, if she's in crisis, she needs to call a help line or go to emergency services. And then enforce it, if she steers the conversation towards those things, change the topic or end the conversation, if she tells you she's suicidal, tell her to go to crisis services and end the conversation - if you think she's genuinely in danger of harming herself, end the conversation and call emerg. I know it feels awful to do it, but you cannot be responsible for keeping her alive with your attention, and you will not be helping her by trying. Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

If you are not getting a whole lot of joy from her presence in your life, independent of how she feels about you or how bad you feel about the hard time she's having, it's time to end things. It sucks when an awesome person is in a bad place that damages a potentially good connection, but it's not kind or helpful to stay in someone's life because you think they need you rather than because you want them in your life. Pity and fear don't make good foundations for a relationship of any sort.  

This Captain Awkward post is a somewhat different situation, but it talks about ending a relationship when suicide threats are in the mix, so it might be helpful, especially if she tries to escalate when you pull back.

Keep looking after yourself!

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