Can't Seem to Make Myself Approach

[UnitedShoes]

Hey everyone, long-ish-time lurker, first-time poster.

This has been bugging me justifiably for a very long time, and nothing seems to be working. I've read the Doc's (and other advice-givers') posts on conquering your approach anxiety so many times I could probably quote them from memory, but somehow, I just can't seem to stop stalling when I approach someone. It's like there's one of those "perception filters" the writers were so obsessed with during Matt Smith's run as The Doctor around every attractive stranger I run across. I think, "I should say something to her," and then my mind blanks out, and then she's gone, or I've suddenly found myself doing something else (e.g. talking to someone I already know, getting another drink, visiting the internet on my phone, leaving because I have to work the next morning etc.). I just don't see how to get myself out of this rut. I haven't managed to force myself to power through it. Even other people doing the approaching hasn't stopped me from blanking out.

My one theory is the sort of extreme wingman that was mentioned in one DNL post as dragging the future Doc kicking and screaming into conversations with people, but I don't know who of my coworkers and acquaintances I could ask to perform that service for me.

For the most part, the pool of attractive singles I already know is pretty small, and I have the same problem when it comes to trying to ask one of them out: I don't have any issues talking about virtually anything else, but anything along the lines of "Want to get a drink together?" or "Can I get your number?" magically becomes white noise in my head until one of us leaves the conversation.

This problem is pissing me off, keeping me single, and making me miserable. How do I force myself to actually say something to someone I don't know when my brain pretty much deletes itself at the prospect like a white collar criminal's hard drive after hearing that someone from the SEC is at the door?

TLDR?

[Enail]

How about skipping around the issue by trying online dating?

[BasedBuzzed]

Try both, the same nerves that prevent you from asking someone out in person can prevent you from actually pinning down a definite date online.

Lukewarm approaches are a good start: you know the person a bit better and what she likes, so you can pick something more spectacular than just a coffee date (not that this is a requirement, but it's easier to segue into asking someone out if you've bonded over a mutual love for music or poetry or whatever and there's a related event coming up). Keep tabs on music venues, cultural event sites in your area, and so on and so forth: it might also bring you to a place in which you can approach more easily because the event gives you something to talk about.

[Hirundo Bos]

And how about lowering the difficulty level? Like... I, have similar problems with making contact, and approaching someone with intentions or hopes of asking them out is maybe the scariest thing of all. And fear demands a lot of your attention. Finding words and making sentences is harder than ever when you're afraid.

But something less scary to me than approaching someone to flirt is, say, to start a conversation with someone I'm not particularly attracted to, and less scary than that is to swipe right at a picture on Tinder, and less scary is to ask someone for the time on the street, and less scary is to smile at someone as they pass by... do you have a similar ladder of fears? It may or may not be the same as mine...

Maybe you're fine with social approaches in general and it's the purposeful approach in particular that leaves you blank? In that case you can still make such a ladder. Just ask yourself... what's is a little less scarier than that... and a little less scarier than that again...

The general idea of conquering anxieties is that you don't do try to get to the top of the ladder in one jump. That'll just have you falling to the ground, hating the ladder even more in the future. Instead, you reach for the step – the social act – that is just one step above your current comfort level. Something that's scary enough to be a challenge, but safe enough that it can be mastered.

Make an exercise out of that just-scary-enough act, set yourself goals. The goal should be something you can control, like saying hi; not something that is out of your control, like whether you get a response. Then repeat and repeat and keep at it until it feels safer. Then you pick the next step.

It's about exercising your emotions... teaching yourself to trust yourself, that the thing you fear is actually fairly safe. And it's recommended with most any kind of anxiety for a specific thing...

A note though, when the thing you are afraid of is people, you must be mindful of their comfort levels as well as your own. The doc has written a bit about when and where approaches is most likely to be welcome... and how to notice if someone isn't really interested... and hose are things one should keep in mind. It may seem daunting when social anxiety levels are high, but judging the situation will also become easier with exercise.

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