going about this differently

[Glides]

hello friends.

update: sort of possibly in the running for jobs. is that improvement? doesn't feel like it. it's a long story. might go somewhere. here's hoping.

i am not here for that. because i've been approaching this shit exactly the wrong way for all this time. there's a thing i do where the really obvious thing doesn't occur to me until much later. i've been agonizing over what i will do with the next year when this one has largely been spent trying to pull myself out from under a very bad situation.

context: spent the majority of the year not being medicated and having bad chronic pain bullshit which in turn made all my old symptoms come back, like a goddamn house of cards. on medication now. hopefully it continues to work this time. in therapy again, holding on to the part-time jobs i currently have. trying to figure out whatever life lesson the universe wants me to learn from all of this.

what did i do out of my comfort zone: met my two best online friends in person cuz they live in the same state. flew across the country on my own for the first time, which was for that. generally proved to myself that i did not need family or friends around to function. had gotten so used to being my ex's caretaker that it was wild having to take care of myself. was probably the first time since the breakup that i felt happy. spent most of it very high, very good choice. maybe i didn't look it that whole time, but that was an amazing trip. need to travel more once i have funds.

finished two screenplays. finished a bunch of shorts. wrote a long-ass novella thing which i'm trying to reconfigure into a thing. who knows where the thing will go. got like 5000 people to read original thing but i'm not sharing it here. i'm just trying to rebuild.

i am not kind enough to myself. i have always called the nasty voice in my head that causes so much trouble "jerkbrain" and lately i'm having to really sit alone with it and process what it's actual purpose is. i've been in situations this year, really dangerous ones, where the "two" of us have had to almost work together in order to make it through it. we don't have the luxury of being each other's enemy anymore. doesn't mean i don't have fucktons of days where it's back to its usual self, but for the first time, the "two" of us have had to work together.

eliminated a lot of toxic friendships. i'm very lonely without them. i've made one new friend this year, and reconnected with a couple people i hadn't spoken to in a while. i don't really have a choice anymore not to. i fell in love with somebody but it was one-sided, but they're still a very dear friend and i'm not dumb enough now to discount something like that. i am loved, just not the same way. maybe that means i'm capable of loving a human being positively. who the fuck knows. i've posted in some form of this forum for six years now. so much has changed. good or bad, it's all changed and it's all going to keep changing. i barely resemble myself. i'm very glad for that. i got banned from this forum so much six years ago.

i made a short film for the first time in three years. it was fun. it's dumb, but it was fun. i'm gonna try to make another next month. i'm tired of waiting for permission. it had a premiere at a local group thing and people seemed to like it. i think i'm a better writer. maybe not enough to get published but i read all my old crap and it's so bad. i read recent crap and i only cringe a little. progress, i guess.

anyway. that's not the point of this. the point is that i want to take a different approach to next year. i think i keep sabotaging myself by focusing entirely on career and relationships. i can't force either of those. only thing i can change is what i do when i'm not working. i don't do much when i'm not working. i think i need proper hobbies with other people. i need to figure out what those can be. if i have lots of new experiences i'll have lots to share with others. that'll make me more likable. i will share those things genuinely and that'll make all the difference. has to be stuff i genuinely enjoy. the final frontier of social interaction is being genuine and vulnerable. people are no longer impressed by poseurs who ride around on bikes if they don't like it just to get laid. besides, i'm too far removed for pua shit.

i will not fall in love with a person unless i do this. i will not have more genuine friendships unless i do this. i won't be able to get a fulfilling career unless i make the rest of my life something i enjoy spending time in. i keep waiting. bad choice. can't do that any longer. scared to try things because i don't know what i like. need to figure out what i like, and what i can do to do things without pushing myself past my limits. don't want to go to parties anymore. bored senseless by them.

i miss ttrpgs, but that's a space occupied entirely by incels and i can't tolerate body odor. that's the only non-film thing i can think of. thing i've been doing is weekly meetings with an old high school friend to write together, that's been nice. that's about it though. don't know what i should try. don't know what a shy anxious introvert should try with other people that's low pressure. life is built for social extroverts. have to compensate for that. i know i don't like concerts, it's too goddamn loud. also scared that only old people do this stuff and that i won't be able to relate to them.

so that's the plan. new experiences over new milestones. hopefully the rest falls into place if i treat the world with genuine intent for the first time and don't treat everyone like they're out to get me. always been jealous of my grandfather (rip) because he did exactly this. i'd be more like him if i genuinely engaged with the world. need to learn how. for my sake. can't wait for permission anymore.

[Enail]

HOly fuck, two screenplays, shorts, novella, short film, meeting online and RL friends and kicking shit ones to the curb, working together under truce with jerkbrain, travel and independence, dealing with health shit and hopefully finding something that keeps working, I'd feel like the world's biggest fucking success if I did that much in a decade! And possibly in the running for jobs is good news, hope it works out!

The hobbies you enjoy and interesting experiences thing sounds like a good angle to work on in life, I hope you find some cool stuff, hopefully with some cool people. It seems like TTRPGS have been getting a lot more popular with a more diverse group lately with Critical Role and the like, so if you miss them, might be worth poking around for some groups without toxic mindsets. Board games might work as a somewhat similar format of get-together that seems like it tends to be a little less insular. Writing groups or Nanowrimo-type meetups? Maker-spaces? Or just take random classes in some cool-seeming skill to see if something sticks?

[Datelessman]

I am so absolutely sorry these things happened to you, Glides. It's heartbreaking that you had to go thru all of that horror. I imagine it is tough enough to even type about it, much less imagine how to discuss it.

You've done a lot and accomplished a lot in spite of all that, though. There is no need to apologize for being traumatized. You had horrible things happen. You reacted. You're human. The most important thing is being able to express it in therapy, not how. If your therapist is good it won't matter if the words or the sentences aren't perfect. The point is expression, and a willingness to heal.

I hope everything goes better for you and you can find some happiness. You deserve it.

[Glides]

updating this again for the sake of perspective.

had an interview last week. probably ghosted. employers don't ever reach out and reject anyone anymore, they just ghost. worse than dating.

i had a moment last week where i got high with a friend i'd had a crush on in the past and she mentioned breaking up with her partner and for a second i really wanted to date her because by dating her i would have Value again and be valuable. That's the trap I fell into last time, we wouldn't be very good partners. I'm just unbelievably lonely and so I'm just projecting onto people again. She's better off as a friend, she's hardcore christian and not as pushy about it but I don't need that.

i've fired off tons of applications into the ether. i have a friend now who's sort of angling for a position where i could be hired but that could be months down the line. nothing is guaranteed, everything is uncertain. a really big one is that my parents are deeply ashamed of me and nothing i could do will ever change that. even if i had millions of dollars and the perfect relationship, they would be ashamed of me. they only gave birth to me expecting an extension of themselves and not a child. i've had to identify just how awful they were at parenting, that they were probably emotionally abusive in some way. i no longer engage when they try to guilt me over their broken lives. we rarely talk nowadays. it's like being a roommate instead of a child. i'm still paying rent and paying for groceries and the dry cleaning sometimes. i see all the stupid pointless expenses they make and try to plan out better than that in case i ever get a chance to move out. their lives are so monotonous and miserable and i don't want to turn out like them.

i dunno, my close friend always talks very confidently about how we're about to "make it" and that's funny because i never really saw myself as "making it," just hopefully making enough to not live with my parents, who themselves are barely functional. i know a huge part of it is them not wanting me to leave but also getting mad that i'm still here, and mad that they have to take care of me in some ways. they're mad because i have all these health problems and that i need someone close by to rush me to the hospital in case my symptoms worsen. i didn't realize how isolating a life with illness is. and i remember how fucking angry my last partner got that i couldn't do all the things they could. i couldn't run, i couldn't stay up all night drinking (lord knows they tried to force me), they'd get mad i couldn't physically do certain things in bed, it was just so much. i was made to feel LESSER THAN for so long, and i've come out of it with a fear of abandonment, always having to prove my value so people will continue deciding to spend time with me. i'm a wounded animal. i see myself in wounded animals. my friend has a cat who was abused by his past owner and he clawed me on the hand and hissed in fear and i didn't even stop him. i could hardly blame the poor fucker after what he's been through. everyone was surprised by how normally easily set off i am but the cat clawing my hand, that did nothing. he was nicer to me after that but he'd still hiss when anyone got too close.

i mean granted i've sabotaged opportunities, but i've also noticed how frequently i'd bend over backwards for people and how mad they get when you can't anymore. i was supposed to start a tutoring job and i backed out last minute because they said last minute i'd have to drive to clients' houses. i dunno if i should apply for another tutoring job. i'm really good at doing what i'm told but i'm bad at doing things for myself. i'm not very self-reliant. i tend to sit around helplessly if i'm not told what to do. i feel a lot like forrest gump except i'm not rich and i'm not just handed shit.

i don't know how to make money other than what i'm doing and i don't know how to maintain healthy relationships. there's lots i don't know how to do. it's really lonely because i'm always terrified i'm the only person who's bad at this, or i'll be 40 or 50 and still living with my parents doing exactly what i'm doing today. a lot has changed over the past ten years and i need a lot to change by the time i'm 34.

most of my remaining friends know how sick i am now. i'm getting sicker. not like hospital sick but general inconvenience sick. i can't run, i get awful joint pains, i have trouble focusing and concentrating, i get fatigued as hell. this is with medication that keeps it all just bearable enough that i can still function. i remember how fucking angry my ex got with me because i'd be in such pain that i couldn't move and loudly complaining about what a big baby i was. i don't know what possessed me to date someone so cruel. i just know that all the nasty things i say to myself now are things they said.

i know this isn't very coherent, i didn't sleep much. i spent hours in bed obsessing over what i was afraid of. it's anxiety on another level. i don't know if i'm trying too hard at everything or not at all. i don't know what living is supposed to feel like. i saw someone i had a crush on (read: anyone who is nice to me for long enough without asking for anything) and there was a cop there and if she hadn't been there and there hadn't been any employees there i probably would've taken his gun and tried to use it on myself. i know that's an awful thing to confess. i remember posting here at 17 and now i'm nearly 25 and i'm still having the same fantasies of ending my life. i know that i was just as miserable when i worked fulltime and when it looked like i had career progression. i keep trying to figure out how i fucked everything up, or if i fucked everything up at all.

[Enail]

I don't think you've fucked anything up. Unemployment is awful, chronic illness and how many people are shitty about them is awful, that's not because you've fucked anything up, it's just shitty stuff that happens. And you're definitely not the only person who's bad at this, or at least who feels like they're bad at it, b/c I don't actually think you're bad at it, you seem like you're actually doing a pretty damn good job with a lot of hard, painful things making it more difficult.

Sorry you're having suicidal fantasies still, and that health and work and family shit is so rough. But you've also come so incredibly far, and I think you're doing a good job, keep it up.

[Glides]

I don't think you've fucked anything up. Unemployment is awful, chronic illness and how many people are shitty about them is awful, that's not because you've fucked anything up, it's just shitty stuff that happens. And you're definitely not the only person who's bad at this, or at least who feels like they're bad at it, b/c I don't actually think you're bad at it, you seem like you're actually doing a pretty damn good job with a lot of hard, painful things making it more difficult.

Sorry you're having suicidal fantasies still, and that health and work and family shit is so rough.   But you've also come so incredibly far, and I think you're doing a good job, keep it up.

I had to drop out of a surprise birthday party for a now former friend of mine because i've felt so run down. Saw friends yesterday and stayed up too late and was exposed to too many unfamiliar immune systems. I'm not sick-sick, I just get really rundown nowadays and it's at the point where i can't ignore it any longer. I habitually cancel because of this when i used to push myself like crazy into social arrangements just so i won't be alone. the majority of people won't talk to me over this anymore. it's funny, while i pushed myself so hard that i'd get sick all the time, i remember being well-liked. the second i grew a backbone, most people went away. so on and so forth. i kinda just want to yell "you'd have suicidal fantasies all the time too if i treated you the way you treat me, you callous [REDACTED]" not you, obviously, just the general you of people who expect you to always go at their level and if they dare spot you on a day you're doing a little better, call you a liar.

ironically, acknowledging that i have an autoimmune disorder (and the medication i take makes it even more so to take care of swelling and inflammation) has changed my life so much. i had to choose great susceptibility to illness and severe chronic fatigue to take care of the worst aches and pains and swelling. it explains why i lost so many jobs and why my former partners were so mad at me. now i can be somewhat functional and i've kept a job longer than a year for the first time in my life. i'm mad that i wasn't treated for this until two years ago. it's like i've only been allowed to think clearly for the first time recently. i didn't realize how little i actually thought because i was in so much pain. it completely deadened me inside. and now i feel everything so strongly and i cry all the time and i feel like i've been born again. not even in a christian way, just in the literal sense of rebirth, that i even have a fraction of feeling everyone else gets to have.

[Enail]

I hear you on both the pain/fatigue and the people who suck about it and just the general difficulty of living a life and maintaining social connections with it, but I'm really happy you've found something that does help with the pain and let you do more at least, even if it shouldn't have taken this long and it shouldn't have to cost you so much fatigue and vulnerability to illness. And I'm glad that you're standing up for your health needs and pulling back when you need to, even though I know that can be a really lonely and discouraging to have to be doing. I wish I had something better to offer than solidarity, but that's all I've got.  But this stuff is hard and you're doing a great job with all of it, don't forget that.

[Glides]

One more interview tomorrow for a fellowship. I'm not qualified or prepared for it, and if that goes then I'm officially out of options for the time being. I keep feeling like I'm either too old to work at 24, that I'm receiving an extended karmic punishment, or whatever. A/V job I was supposed to be confirmed for completely fell through, another editing job I'd actually gotten hired for suddenly went silent, it's like at every turn there's another complication. Sometimes I wonder if God wants me to kill myself and is making things worse to encourage me to that place. I spend the majority of my time alone and nobody ever responds. I'd gladly take a million rejections over radio silence. No one ever tells you how easily a mind shatters when it's in isolation for long enough. I can't even imagine how awful solitary would be for somebody like me. I'm not sure when this ends, when any of this ends. I don't know what ritual sacrifice I have to make to not be alone.

[Enail]

Good luck on the fellowship! Probably trying to regularly going to some sort of group activity if you can manage it would be more successful than ritual sacrifice, but I haven't tried the latter, so let me know how it goes if you do

[Glides]

I'm not hearing back from the fellowship till early next month and I'm terrified I'll be rejected yet again since I've gotten so many already.

"Jerkbrain" continues fixating on my one friend who's now editing two network television shows and working on big studio films and pretty much has everything I've ever wanted through hard work and good luck. I wish that I wasn't such an envious little shit. My university's career services take forever to respond to anything and are absolutely useless. Every day I'm just passively suicidal and it's gotten to the point where friends are getting visibly disturbed by me because I always look like I'm about to shatter. Everyone can tell I'm veering towards another breakdown that takes like a year to recover from and I don't know how to veer away from it this time around.

It's like, of course I'm about to break down, my life is completely in tatters, and yet all these morons want me to suffer and endure it. At this point, I've been away from the industry for so long that I've been rendered as obsolete before the age of 25. And since I've only worked film jobs, no other industry will ever hire me. It's just a vicious cycle of my own making, a system that clearly wants me dead and punishes me every day i don't.

[Glides]

update: interviewed for a data entry position, was told i was being offered the job, was just called this morning to be told they'd changed their mind.

fuck. it would've been what i needed right now. i'm always last place, and when i get too cocky, the universe has to remind me of my place in this world. always last place. never even second-to-last. i'll settle for second-to-last. i know first is too ambitious, but i could be second-to-last for once.

[Datelessman]

Sorry to hear about that. I know what its like to feel like the world is yanking away what you want the second it gets close. Applying for jobs can be a gauntlet of scams and false positives.

I am not good at offering platitudes of encouragement. Dedication and perseverance are not guarantees of success. But without doing so, failure is guaranteed. Feeling disappointment or anger is natural, but ideally you still should lick your wounds and try again. If for no other reason that our world ensures we need money to live, unfortunately.

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