Chronic illness ruining dating

[Glides]

I’m gonna copy and paste what I posted on Reddit but the post got removed so if I say anything redundant that’s why:

“Chronic illness completely ruined any chance I had with a person I really liked

I’m currently having a panic attack (very tiny one, I’ve improved at this) in the parking lot of an abandoned farmers market (don’t ask) because I have an almost supernatural ability to shoot myself in the foot whenever something is about to go well for me.

Context: New Years party, I meet a friend of a friend and im completely smitten. First time since leaving an abusive relationship almost two years ago that I have felt anything close to attraction towards anyone. We talk and get to know each other, and we have a lot in common. They’re hysterical, they’re brilliant, they deal with a lot of the same shit as me. Completely head over heels but not even daring to admit that to myself or them.

So I was supposed to go with someone to an event at a bar, that person cancels, I instinctively ask them, they agree, I’m going to pick them up. I was supposed to be on the way to pick them up right now. I’m just trying not to hyperventilate in the car.

Here’s a wrinkle: I have a pretty severe chronic illness called psoriatic arthritis. Lots of fun things, you can look em up, but one of the big ones is an increased susceptibility to illness. I can’t be around anyone who’s sick, otherwise I go to the hospital. It’s that bad. I have to stop whatever I’m doing and get as far away as I can from anyone who’s coughing and hacking. Was taken to urgent care twice over this shit last year and I can’t afford that again.

The treatment that I’m taking for it, a biologic, makes the susceptibility even worse than before, so it’s even more imperative that I do this. Without it, I get severe swelling in joints and muscles, get lesions all over, this is far more preferable to what I had before treatment.

Right before I go to get them, they suddenly message mentioning that they’re developing a cold and I’m instantly beating myself up because I know what I have to do. I’ve mentioned it to them before so they know I have this chronic illness. But oftentimes people tend to minimize just how badly I get sick if they’re around me while sick. I think they’ve done this just now, not to be malicious. I’m also used to people getting really mad at me when I have to cancel because I have to avoid sick people at all costs. This is not a lark, this is shit that puts me in the hospital. I’m not mad at them, they didn’t know any better, but I message them asking for a rain check and explaining I can’t take any chances with this.

They haven’t left me on read but I don’t know if it’s popped up in their notifications. I tried to explain it as best I can that I don’t blame them for any of this, it’s just my bitch immune system getting in the way. I don’t know how they feel, if they’re furious or understanding, I don’t know them well enough. I texted a mutual friend asking for advice (who I drunkenly admitted to about having a crush on the person I was supposed to see tonight), they gave me advice, but when I’m panicked I think everybody is mad at me so who knows.

I just really really really really like this person. And if I didn’t have this bitch immune system and this bitch body then I could’ve had a good time with them. I have no idea if they’re actually into me or not. I am not a particularly good looking person (though I’m like, hygienic and try to dress well and so on), they are almost comically attractive on top of all the other good qualities they have. So it’s a little ridiculous to assume this is anything other than two friends hanging out. And I’m not one of those people who gets possessive about people. It’s almost guaranteed they just want to be friends and I’ve learned to be used to never being desired by anybody. I’ve dated very few people as it is and it’s clear they have a lot more experience than I do (for reference, I’m 24 and they’re 22).

I don’t know what to do now. I messaged them trying to explain the situation as best I could but it’s not always enough. People get mad and take it personally. I can’t help that. I just feel like the universe is spiting me for even daring to think that a person I like could like me back. Sure, I’ve dated three people, but even so, very very inexperienced. I’ve got a very ugly face specifically, it’s difficult to describe without having seen it. I can’t help that my face makes people see me only platonically.

I’m overthinking things, I know I am. It’s just that i really felt a connection with this person and I don’t normally feel safe with people or excited or giggly the way I do. I’m the person who doesn’t date in my friend group. I’m the one who only ever dated long term with an abuser who just treated me like garbage. This person already makes it known that they hook up regularly with a lot of people, which I’m not shaming or anything, it’s just increasingly clear that I was deluded to ever think I was their type.

I don’t know what to do. I haven’t sent any messages since that one, I don’t want to blast them with a whole novel and freak them out. I tried treating it really casually. They already know about the chronic illness thing. I’m hoping to god they understand it’s not their fault. I really like them. I like them so much. I’m too old to feel like this about anyone. I can’t help it.”

[Hielario]

"I’ve mentioned it to them before so they know I have this chronic illness. But oftentimes people tend to minimize just how badly I get sick if they’re around me while sick. I think they’ve done this just now, not to be malicious."

Yeah, that happens a lot. People tend to minimize other's health problems. Sadly the only answer is to be very firm, almost brutal, on that matter, until they get it in their heads. I think you're fully justified in doing what you did, your survival is priority and almost nobody has a right to demand that you ruin your health for them (and frankly, unless they're the love of your life and/or sucking your dick on a weekly basis, they're probably not worth it). I think you did the right thing, and sadly, that sucks a lot of time, but the alternative almost always ends up being worse.

But also...don't underestimate the possibility that they just forgot. I forget a lot of details about people I know, even if they're serious.

So, what happened after that?

[Glides]

So, what happened after that?

Well, as it turns out, I was freaking out about the wrong thing all along. The issue was not that this person would turn out to be insensitive about the whole chronic illness bit. The issue is that around the same time as all of this, this person started going out with someone else.

So yeah, that's the universe's way of telling me that all I get is one longterm abusive relationship and nothing else. I'm not sure why I continue to try and punish myself, and I should've taken the hint in 2013 when I first joined the forum.

Now the goal is to find a way to both be perpetually single and not constantly complain about it all the time, lest I fall back into incel tendencies. Accept my punishment with a stiff upper lip, learn to live without, that whole deal.

I had spent years trying to prove DNL wrong about everything, and as it turned out, it was within me all along.

[Enail]

That sucks, I'm sorry. But this is just a thing that happens sometimes, not proof that you can never have another relationship. There will be other people for you to panic about whether they'll be jerks about your chronic illness or not

[inbloomer]

I'm very sorry to hear it, but this is a thing that happens. I'm pretty sure it's a genuine phenomenon - even DNL has mentioned it once or twice - that people are at their most attractive and approachable just when they've started dating someone else. Probably from a combination of a surge in self-confidence and not wanting to over-invest in a relationship that's still incipient. Being the third person in that can definitely feel like Fate has cruelly got your hopes up only to spike them, but it doesn't mean anything that personal about you.

[Glides]

I'm very sorry to hear it, but this is a thing that happens. I'm pretty sure it's a genuine phenomenon - even DNL has mentioned it once or twice - that people are at their most attractive and approachable just when they've started dating someone else. Probably from a combination of a surge in self-confidence and not wanting to over-invest in a relationship that's still incipient. Being the third person in that can definitely feel like Fate has cruelly got your hopes up only to spike them, but it doesn't mean anything that personal about you.  

I mean, I didn't read it as "oh god, they think I'm hideous," more like "oh god they never saw me as a potential romantic partner and I just wasted a couple months freaking out about it."

I dunno, dating actually gets MORE difficult the older you get, it's not fair.

[Hielario]

Oh, crap. Sorry to hear that. That has happened to me too a lot of times. Every friggin' time I liked some girl at university, ¡poof! she turned out to have a boyfriend.

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