infatuation

[Glides]

long post sorry

So the bad news is I'm consumed with anxiety about Tuesday and being really terrified of being one of the tiny percentage of people who has a reaction so bad they're hospitalized. I'm just being a big baby about it. I'll get through it. Maybe. I hate needles, I hate doctors more, I'm scared shitless of side effects.

The good news is I went on the second date with the new person and it was literally the most romantic thing I have ever done in my life. I have long internalized the notion that I was not sufficiently attractive/charming/deserving/etc. to experience something like that, and I would have to be content with awkward non-sober hookups. Not so. I felt so awful that my date put in so much more effort than I did. I brought cheese and crackers, a couple sodas from a very particular brand they like, and vegan cheesecake for them. They brought several varieties of olives, dolmas, apple slices, prickly pear soda (!!!), a gigantic picnic blanket, and hummus. It was so good. They literally took me to a boardwalk on a lake near where they live, right as the sun was starting to set in the afternoon. And we literally just spent hours talking about whatever and joking around with no pressure or anything. And I am having to fight the usual anxieties because I am very much infatuated with this person and I'm terrified I'm feeling those feelings again after how long I tried not to. And my last longterm partner did NOT do shit like this for me, EVER. I was lucky if we'd get drunk and fuck and get takeout. We had to distance because Panini (and me not being vaxxed yet) but holy shit, I did not think someone who looked like me would ever get to do that. I'm still in my 20s and my hairline is already receding. I might weigh less than I used to (and I say that with no intent to fat-shame), but I've had so much internalized shame over it that I assumed they could not be interested because of how much I weigh. I am relatively good at hiding that shame now so I never brought it up, but my dumb stupid ass literally turned beet red when I asked them how the view was and they looked right into my eyes and said "very pretty." Just reduced from my usual "emotionless" and "cold" self to a giggling wreck because of them and how nervous I was.

And as we were heading back, once the trail widened up, they automatically reached for my hand and took it, and I dunno why it felt more meaningful that time. Not to say this is the first time someone has held my hand, but I'm used to the reverse, where you hook up first and then have all the cutesy things like that happen later on. We haven't done anything like that because of the vax (though they have pretty openly stated they would like to, itself flustering me more than a little), but holding hands outside with masks on after going SO GODDAMN LONG without any kind of intimacy was very climatic.

I mean, obviously they're not perfect, obviously there's shit wrong with them. I'm intimidated because they're a few years older than me, clearly settled into their career, whereas I'm only just in the process of becoming financially independent years later than most people and still living with my parents (and I've been honest about that, for a change). And I'm very careful to not be too self-deprecating when I get into that, though I think they know I've got insecurities about that. But I just have to demonstrate that even if I am deeply insecure about things that I will let them decide to hate me on their own time and not give them any assistance there. Even as much as Jerkbrain screams at me that they will hate me like everyone else eventually does. Of course, people only hate me because I give them reasons to hate me in the end.

I think it helps that they don't seem to expect heteronormativity from me and recognize the more overtly "masculine" parts of me as performances I have to put on, and so I can display a sensitivity and vulnerability I don't normally let people see. And that is terrifying because the last time I did that, it was with someone who used it to tear my guts out and mentally shatter me for not being "macho enough." They've clearly been through some shit too, and I can tell they feel some fear over similar expectations of femininity from them (since they're AFAB). There was a moment during the long walk back to my car where I kept shifting my hand slightly because I was terrified I was squeezing their hand too hard where they leaned up to my ear (masks on) and whispered, "isn't it cute how anyone who sees us would think we're a cis couple?" And that was its own ecstatic electric shock through my head.

We're both poly (I mean, I don't really self-describe, but given I'm dating another person, itself with a completely different dynamic, yeah), so I know I'm not the only person they're this cutesy with, and I have no idea if I'm poly or monogamous or whatever. The dynamic has been really weird since the beginning, with us going on virtual dates until last month (we've been talking since January). My other partner is also dating another one of their partners, three of that partner's partners have been flirting with me, I am seeing more reciprocated interest in the last six months than I have in the rest of my life. Granted most of these conversations end up going nowhere, people fall off because Panini, so out of all of those convos, only those two have remained.

The other partner and I have a much more informal dynamic closer to a FWB than a proper Romantic Partner (mostly joking, cuddling, a couple of stoned hookups here and there after we each isolated for a couple of weeks), and they're completely uninterested in Gestures. I didn't know I was interested in Gestures until this other person indicated that's what they like. That's not to say I don't like the other person or that I never feel all tingly and gooey about the other person but I felt all of those when I first met them back in October. I dunno, a part of me is guilty that I'm feeling something towards another person, and that the first person is fully aware and more or less alright with it. I don't want to imply a hierarchy here.

And I know this is a person who would've never shown one iota of interest in me before I shaped the fuck up. There are still so many things I'm insecure about (my hairline, the amount of money I make, the feeling everything I have now will be taken away). A part of me is so unfathomably angry at myself for developing feelings for someone again after I promised myself I wouldn't. Obviously they don't know the full extent of my trauma (even as we've both admitted to having Been Through Shit), but also I lighten up every time they send me a voicemail or every time they spontaneously go into a rant about their interests. A younger me would have absolutely ruined this by now. Older me has just enough sense not to, to try and actively listen, to not try and consciously question what they want with an unemployed bum (at least till August) with a big belly and a receding hairline (which helps the gender dysphoria exactly zilch). That bum feels immense amounts of guilt for feeling like they tricked this wonderful person into seemingly liking them? I don't need to be validated for whatever quality is attractive to them, or the moment I'll be pranked (even if spending hours talking to a person and holding their hand is a hell of a prank). I dunno, like I said, too many terrified feelings but also knowing how my own insecurities have ruined things in the past with other cute people.

My identity has been, for the longest time, The One Who Is Unable To Date, on top of all the other things I'd self-identify as. Granted, I was viciously bullied as a kid, I know where it comes from. But after a certain point it was only me saying all the nasty things about myself because I'd internalized it so young. Elementary and middle school kids are fucking fiends and sadists, and only Republicans remain that way as adults. This is, incidentally, the reason I go out of my way to avoid children once they learn how to talk. I avoid them because they were fucking vicious and vile to me at that age. And eventually I was the only one constantly making fun of myself for my own lack of experience and my looks and every other thing. And if a person dared find me attractive, I'd burn that shit to the ground. I had made a much more mild comment of that kind to a longtime friend recently, and that person was like, "you know you're the only one who does that right? Nobody has ever called you undateable or unfuckable, nobody cares at this age. Nobody is looking at you and evaluating a scorecard," and so on. Obviously I have not expressed this to The Person. They are very experienced, and that's less a knock on them than the old fear that I won't be enough, that I won't shape up. What's worse is that they seem to be incredibly observant and good at Picking Up On Shit, so I have to assume they've inferred I've got some significant trauma surrounding sex (which I definitely do). I have never had sex with my other partner and I'm not sure I'm ever going to again. That's not my concern. I am probably closer to the demi side of things than anything else as it is. Irony of ironies given what I used to say here.

I mean that's the scary part about going on a date with a person who is emotionally mature. I don't know how to explain healthily that I've only dated people as emotionally immature as I'm trying not to be, if not more so. I've only dated people with no ambition whatsoever, people who could comfortably play their lives on autopilot. I dated people with a great deal more privilege than myself in almost all cases. That is not to ignore my own privilege vis a vis whiteness. They were straighter, cishet-ier, societally approved. And that's only a knock on one of them in particular, the really abusive one that my sexual trauma stems from. And I also internalized after That One that I was irreparably broken and Unable To Date Again, and I should consider myself lucky that I ever got to date at all. But then there's the fucking sunset and the boardwalk and if I'm being pranked, there's a lot of commitment to the bit. This would make Sacha Baron Cohen sweat if this is a prank.

Lots of feelings, lots of fear, just trying to process it. I really like this person. I can't stop myself from liking this person the way I've spent the last three years forcing myself not to like anyone. I haven't known them long enough to be in love with them, and obviously I will never be their primary focus, but I dunno. This is scary as shit. And I have to do this right because they deserve so much more than I have to offer them right now. So I will continue trying to offer what I can till they get tired of me. Which I hope is never.

[Hielario]

I have never had sex with my other partner and I'm not sure I'm ever going to again. That's not my concern. I am probably closer to the demi side of things than anything else as it is. Irony of ironies given what I used to say here.

Honestly? I don't find it ironic, just confusing. Why did you care so much about not getting laid if you don't have the constant physical urge for it?

[Glides]

I have never had sex with my other partner and I'm not sure I'm ever going to again. That's not my concern. I am probably closer to the demi side of things than anything else as it is. Irony of ironies given what I used to say here.

Honestly? I don't find it ironic, just confusing. Why did you care so much about not getting laid if you don't have the constant physical urge for it?

I'm almost as confused by it as you are. My best guess, trying to interpret the Mess that was my younger self, is that all of my friends had that constant physical urge and so I saw it as a literal measurement of value in order to fit in properly. Plus I was viciously mocked for most of my teen and college years for my Chronic Inability to Date, which made it even worse. I was just in such an excessively macho environment (and many of my former friends are either fully in the incel movement, alt-right shit, or both) that I hyperfixated on something I don't even find all that pleasurable (not that I would NEVER have it).

I dunno, I barely understand myself. I was just deep in some really toxic shit. I have no excuse.

[Enail]

Glad things are going so well, it sounds awesome and like you're doing a great job! Good luck for Tuesday!

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