fun times with polyamory

[Glides]

i think 17 year old me would have a conniption if they saw what i was dealing with now.

by some cosmic joke, i have become the slut of my friend group. sort of.

ok so basically my current partner once hooked up with someone and the two are now fuck buddies, sort of. my current partner is having a LOT of casual sex y'all. and my probably demisexual ass doesn't complain. i don't have enough of a sex drive to care.

by some complete and total absolute wackiness, i saw this fuck buddy today, in public. we had actually been talking longer than my partner and i have known each other and we'd sexted a couple times. we talked about the hypothetical of us hooking up before they left for school (they're going to their master's degree, they are 25, it is NOT like that). no definitive plans were made. mutual attraction was admitted. they expressed interest in a threesome with me and my current partner. then we kissed exactly twice over the course of an hour before we left and went back home.

because i slipped backwards into a polyamorous relationship, i tell my current partner this. they express their extreme jealousy towards this and how they're not comfortable with this.

let us reiterate the reasons why this is bullshit:

1. they have been with a GOOD SEVERAL people since we started dating, many of them one-night stands. a lot of this has been very thoroughly in the BDSM realm because they're really kinky and i'm not especially kinky. which is all well and good, i'm not judging.

2. i only kissed this person and did nothing more.

3. what is the point of poly if only one of us is allowed to do that?

now, to be fair, they did NOT say i wasn't allowed or I couldn't or that i was out of line, just that they were jealous and uncomfortable that i got to kiss a person who was not them. they did this with the person who was my second partner until they ghosted me WHILE THEY FUCKED THAT PERSON'S OTHER PARTNER MULTIPLE TIMES and sexted them WHILE me and the second person went on dates. all well and good.

i know this is buckwild, believe me, you could not tell me i'd be in this place a year ago. i wouldn't believe you. and when i heard about this, i sucked it up like a grown up because it's what we agreed on. i processed my jealousy on my own time.

this wasn't really an outright argument, and we agreed to table it until they'd had some time to think because they'd had a really awful day before all of this. for all i know, once they think about it and hopefully CONCLUDE THAT I AM ALLOWED TO KISS PEOPLE WHO AREN'T THEM AS PER WHAT WE SPECIFICALLY AGREED ON, that this will largely resolve itself. if not for my other partner (we dated for six months before the ghosting, mind) WHOSE OTHER PARTNER THEY REPEATEDLY FUCKED, WHO RECENTLY TRIED TO TEXT THEM AGAIN, i wouldn't be as anxious about this falling apart. and again, the sheer number of people they're with completely negates any argument they have re: this. i am thoroughly in the right.

i think.

they nixed the threesome, they said they were uncomfortable, i was disappointed but we specifically had talked that over beforehand. that was an entirely fair point on their end. because if they get to fuck whoever they want with abandon, so do I. fair is fucking fair.

now, some of you might be saying "ah yes, this is all polyamory leads to." my last monogamous relationship had my partner cheating on me multiple times and then trying to hide it and then gaslighting me when i caught her. i will GLADLY take someone calmly expressing jealousy over getting screamed at and other nasty things besides. i'm definitely "upset" at my partner, but they also have the right to their jealousy. but if i'm jealous over all the sex they're having and suck it up like a grown person, i think fair is fair. we both gotta do this. because i'm terrified they're going to try and gaslight me into thinking it's only okay if they fuck someone else. i am NOT going through that again. nothing has given any indication that they're going to do that, but even so.

it also needs to be factored in that they were uncomfortable with me kissing someone they had fucked. given the app we use has a really tiny database of people, pretty much EVERYONE in the metro area knows each other. this would essentially mean, if we continued to use this app, that by that logic only they could hook up with whoever they wanted BECAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS EACH OTHER, and i only could if they felt "comfortable" doing so, if that's where they end up going when we talk about it next.

which patently, is NOT polyamory.

and frankly i am having a ridiculous amount of success on this app compared to, say, tinder, and they know this. i'm AMAB, they're AFAB, they know they have an advantage over me because of this. what's the point of using the app i met them on if the only person I can fuck on this app is them? i don't know. i'm just experiencing a lot of anxiety over that conversation because if it goes that far, they'll essentially be doing exactly what my ex did in a MONAGAMOUS relationship. i am terrified that we'll have a genuine argument and they'll take advantage of how easily i am overwhelmed by loud noises to scare me into submission. they have never given any indication they'd do this, i'm afraid they'll do this because my ex did this ALL THE TIME.

which is why 17 year old me would have a conniption, with this ridiculous love rhombus of sorts i'm in. i hate dating. i need to date.

[Enail]

This all sounds extremely complicated! It's good and important that you're keeping aware of the ways this could land up repeating bad patterns from your ex. But I'm also given to understand that polyamorous relationshipping does tend to involve a lot more needing to recognize and discuss feelings like jealousy, even when they're "unfair" or "irrational," so it seems natural that this kind of conflict would come up whether or not your partner is someone who would use that in abusive ways, so from my decidedly inexpert POV this initial bit of conflict doesn't sound automatically concerning, especially if they're coming into it from a rough day in general.

I hope you can sort it out in a way that both of you feel okay with. You're doing amazingly at staying aware of warning signs without jumping into worst-case assumptions or going on the attack pre-emptively, and of looking after yourself - and this is an extra-challenge situation! Way to go!

[Hielario]

a) What app is that, if you don't mind the question?

b) Your partner sounds to me like one of those women in TV shows who act like their friend dating their hot ex is some sort of terrible betrayal, so the friend and the ex have to keep it secret, eventually they get found out, and lots of drama happens...I think your partner has something like that in their head, more than being sexually jeaulous.

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