waiting to die [not a threat i promise]

[Glides]

that's my new goal in life. i have the energy for nothing else. i do as little as possible each day, and waste each day thoroughly. it is the slowest form of suicide, but it is the only method that will not get me put away like a lab animal, at the mental hospitals where all they do is abuse and punish you for the crime of hating life. i don't know how i will ever have the motivation to do anything ever again. typing these words are taking all the effort i have for an entire week's worth of non-work things. this is all there is and all there will ever be. the self of ten years ago who started writing here would be so furious and hurt and ashamed that i'm still here.

[Enail]

It's unsurprising you'd be feeling like this given the last few years; major health problems + the near destruction of democracy in your country + a pandemic and the display of selfishness it's caused, has a lot of people who've had a lot less direct impact than you and a lot less other stuff to deal with feeling like hell.

Obviously, if you're not doing therapy atm or are finding your therapist unhelpful, please start it up/look for a different therapist/etc. and treat the mental health element specifically, but I wouldn't be surprised if you're also just plain burnt out and worn down and exhausted and need some fallow time of doing nothing whatsoever to recover. It doesn't mean your motivation and ability to put in effort is gone forever. You've been through a lot. Try to be kind to yourself; doing nothing is not a sin, and sometimes it's a necessity.