What do I do about this woman??

[Hielario]

Hello everybody

I have been wondering about what to do regarding my recent friendship with this woman I know, let's call her R. 

We met around new year's eve because I asked in my job's chatroom if anybody wanted to do something fun, and she answered that she was going to watch the fireworks display at the city center with a few acquintances of her.

After that, we've been meeting regularly on sundays; I needed company to visit museums and exhibitions the day they're free because going alone is boring, and she needed decent intellectual conversations beacuse her regular acquintances are very superficial. We get on great and we have a lot in common as somewhat cultured and jaded thirtysomething immigrants with little money (though she has a LOT more job experience). 

It's always been purely friendly, because these days I want to actually know a woman a little before even considering the idea of going after her, she has never been anything else to me, and I didn't find her physically attractive in the slightest. 

However, recently my feelings about her have become a little confusing. 

Last month, while going to see an historical ship recration, she wore a pair of pants which made me think "holy shit she has an ass?!" I didn't know there was anything in her anatomy that could be plump like that (she's pretty tiny and thin) and it took me every ounce of self control to not stare constantly. I think they were a little too tight because I could see the outline of her underpants, but I didn't say anything (How ?!). However, it's the only time I've seen it, and my balls were incredibly full that week(the other me didn't manage to score his usual weekly gay hookup). 

And yesterday we went some huge exhibition for international museum day and I felt...a very warm and admirative feeling while I looked at her speak about something that clearly fascinated her. She's very intelligent and I appreciate it but there was something else in my inside that I can't identify. However, my libido was nowhere to be found while looking at her, in spite of it annoying me all week. I wanted to check if the thing with the pants happened again, but even in those moments when I was marveling at her, I couldn't fathom the idea of touching her or going to bed with her. I imagined her naked and I was like " ok I guess". I think it's because very thin women don't do anything for me. I found some furry porn with a rather plump lady while I was at.social.media later and hooo boy did I want to be the rat guy balls deep under her 

But then again, my ambient hornyness was kinda fuzzy and weird that day like it gets sometimes due to the metilfenidate, and my allergy flaring up didn't help either. I wanked before going to bed to that porn to check out that I was still interested in women, but after an entire week of edging myself (I was saving for a gay hookup that went south) it kinda hurt; this morning I skipped the pills, I'm horny again, and right now I can imagine being on top of R, but it's the basic horniness I have most days for any woman. Nothing special.

However, there is something that really throws me off about her: once in a while she'll say something that sounds weirdly reactionary. Like that Europe is becoming a museum and the west is running out of steam, or that some place she went has gotten really dangerous and locals told her it was because of immigrants...I answer rationally and make calm comments, because I've barely started to figure out her personality and actual beliefs and I know south italians have some serious problems due to irregular immigration, so I don't have a reason to believe she could be far-right  (most of what she does and says would conflict with that) but internally I'm worry she might be falling for some news propaganda. 

Also, one of the first times we spoke, she said she didn't want to have children, which is a big dealbreaker for me so I mentally wrote her off for anything else. But recently she complained the pandemic messed all her life plans right when she was going to have one, so I think she's not so opposed after all?

Her behaviour has been always strictly friendly but there are details that Idk if are normal. Once she asked me to meet at her house for a snack before going to some street theater and she pulled out aperitif food for at least three people, like if she wanted to impress me. And last night, after her pointing that it would be better if I caught the bus to my home near where we were (she takes the underground but there's no stop near my house and it was a little late), she said she'd be down to meet today if I wanted, because we might not get to meet each other again (I have to leave the city at the end of the month [my contract's over, long story], she's going on vacation for next week). I declined because I have a lot of stuff to do and I thought we still might have some days to say goodbye (I don't actually leave until 31), but before I could think more or say anything else, my bus appeared and I had to jet. And in the bus, suddenly I realized that I sounded pretty stupid ¡Especially because we were near a bunch of couples dancing around to some accordion player's music! She might have been giving me a signal!

 But she's not a common woman so I can't assume the typical things for her. She's never made any mantion of.something or.other being "romantic", and that same day she said

I've got half a mind to tell her to come for tea today and ask if she wants to be something else  Half my roommates are away so they won't interrupt. But I'm tired from yesterday and I don't know if she'd feel safe in my house. 

What the hell should I do?? I don't know what is going on with me. Do I just like her personality a lot?? Is she a good friend and I've forgotten how that was?? Is this how other people's relationships start?? Am I reading too much in what she does and, she is just happy to have a friend with something between their ears because she's very lonely?? If I try something, will she have the typical complain about how men can never be just friendly and think I'm a regular asshole??

[Datelessman]

This sounds like quite the pickle. I'll preface my response firstly by saying that as an older male virgin, any advice or perspective I have about women should be taken with a metric ton of salt. It's like a blind person trying to describe Paris; my perspective is unique but not universally helpful. And secondly, metilfenidate is a serious medication and you describe some side effects/allergic reactions to it, and chemical reasons for some of what you describe could totally be a thing. DNL is not a real doctor and I am not even a fake doctor's assistant.

My take on this is that several things can be true at once. You may not have had any physical attraction to R, but you enjoyed her company and over time, have become attracted to her. This kind of thing happens often enough that films do this all the time, just usually with the genders reversed (i.e. some hot actress whose character finds herself falling for Jonah Hill's). DNL talks about how familiarity with someone can cause attraction to bubble on a slow build -- that is why "warm approaches" are ideal. Actors who find themselves having a "real romance" after months on set is similar. Sometimes we are slaves to our bodies, and other times our bodies are slaves to us. If someone has enough positive experiences with someone, and you spend enough time with them on an intimate basis (not sexually intimate, but one-on-one interactions) and it can wind up convincing your hormones that you're in love despite yourself.

I mean, I like to hope this is what happened and not just you finding out that R had a cute rear. About 7-8 years ago I had a co-worker with a foot fetish who used to go out of his way to make "fat jokes" about another co-worker whose job entailed that she worked alongside me on a daily basis. I often had to defend her and since he was younger than me I tried to mentor him. Well, one day she wore sandals that showed off her pedicure and suddenly she had "cute feet" and he started asking questions about her like she was a human being. I tried to tell him in so many words that only treating a woman as a person only after she checked a box in his fetish chart is shallow and a bad look.

(Incidentally, this dude became a Trumper and constantly nags me on Facebook PM with right-wing statements I never answer. So my mentoring skills need work.)

Anyway, while R could just be friendly, it also is possible that this similar thing is happening to her; she didn't expect to have feelings for you but with enough shared, positive experiences, her feelings have changed. From my experience, few women are eager to invite a man into their home unless or until they trust him on some level.

It is also, 100% possible to "like [someone's] personality a lot" to the point that you become attracted to them even if they are not your type physically. For the moment she is a good friend, and good friends are rare gems. I know I value that so much that I have almost never been willing to risk losing it trying to "get" any more. That said, since you have to move there is an end date for this level of intimacy in about 9 days. I almost want to say that dumping a heap of emotions on R not long after you have to leave her city is almost cruel, especially if she really is into you. Life isn't "CASABLANCA." She may be into you but may not be into you to the point that she sleeps with you once or twice over less than 2 weeks and then has to be content to never see you again (or at best to communicate via email/text/PM or whatever).

On the other hand, the end date does have an advantage if things go poorly. If this really is one sided and things get awkward after, well...it's only awkward for 9 days. Then you are gone and that's that. At worst you become a story she tells her girlfriends about "that guy." Well...so? If you were respectful about it there is nothing to be ashamed of. For all you know, she could find it flattering even if her feelings are not mutual.

As someone who earned a living as a telemarketer for at least 7 years and then proceeded to do other kinds of call center work for another 3-4 years atop of that, I know for absolute certainty that there are at least hundreds of women of various ages across the country who, from what little they knew of me from a telephone conversation, think I am an absolute tool. If I worried about that too much, I'd never have been able to earn a living or get out of bed. Even bad interactions tend to be fleeting with people if you're not an absolute monster about it. Most people are too concerned about what they have going on to carry grudges.

I almost wish you'd posted this sooner, because the strict end date and the notion of having a ONS with her limits the potentially good outcomes if she isn't also into ONS's. If I had to give advice on the spot, I would say to either appreciate the great friendship this was for what it is and hold onto that positive memory, as well as the fact that your horizons have broadened a bit, or to make any sort of romantic overture very carefully, but to make it clear it is a romantic date and not just hanging at the museum. Starting off at your place may be a bit much, but what about a restaurant?

There are some women who are game for ONS with a dude they know and like and who is about to leave forever. That happens with soldiers and pilots all the time. But whether or not R is one of these is unknown, at least to me. Good luck, whatever you decide to do. I hope I was somewhat helpful.

[Enail]

Honestly, you just don't sound that into her, doesn't sound like she's given much sign she's into you, I wouldn't bother.

[Hielario]

Update:

I saw an opportunity to not leave, and took a tremendous gamble because the idea of losing everything I enjoy here and going back to my parents made me extremely miserable. Spent a couple of absolutely crazy months. 

Meanwhile, she was taking a break of everything so we didn't communicate again until the last few weeks. She announced that she had reached a decision and is going to leave my old company beacuse she's completely burned out and the salary is not enough. 

Then, last week, the company spat me out at the end of the trial period, so I'm going home for good this time. In the spirit of doing something special while I'm still here, wewent on an escapade to a nearby famous village and finally saw her again after two months.

After seeing a very interesting palace, we went on an uphill hike, and then something happened that made my libido raised its head, in spite of being half drained by some unrelated activity the previous day. I had her ass in front of my face for a lot of time, in tiny, kinda tight white short-shorts (a perfectly logical choice considering this summer climate). It was smaller than I remembered, but had a very nice shape, and there were two small but still clearly well-exercised legs under it. I didn't say nor do anything, merely enjoyed the spectacle. 

So it's clear than I can be sexually aroused by her. Just less than usual.

Later, at a somewhat fancynrestaurant that we went to because everything else was ofercrowded or an expensive tourist trap, we joked that if we couldn't split the bill it would look either like we're a rich lady and her toy boy (said by her) or a summer romance (said by me). Both things make me daydream a bit. But at the same time, when she callednme a good, trusted friend, I melted a little. I like this. I like being good friends. 

I considered proposing something more physical, but her bedtime was very close and she was getting really sleepy, I could tell it wasn't a good moment. 

Also, there are possibilities of meetimg again after I leave this country next month. She has considered, among other countries to try her luck, mine. She really likes my country and has visited several times. It's common sentiment, many foreigners like the culture, climate and food. Egotistically, I'd be happy having her closer after I move. But altruistically I would be worried by her - getting a job and/or immigrating there is a mess; I accepted coming abroad last year because I was getting desperate. 

Also, that makes the whole "ONS with someone you'll never see again" idea worrisome. I would love to have some experience with a woman that's actually enjoying the whole thing, but if she comes to Spain, what then??

I don't know if a long-term relationship would be viable but she's the best candidate I've met in years. I don't feel that much into her, but that might change. My emotions are very confusing right now. And on the other side, I feel like some of my defects would drive her up the wall and we have very different attitudes towards material things.

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