if trump wins i'm gone

[Glides]

i'm gonna be real with y'all, if trump wins i don't know how to convince myself not to take my own life. there is no reason to be alive if project 2025 happens. i will be the first to go. there is no more hope and i'm tired of people pretending that there is. more than anything else, i wish there was anything to hope for

[Enail]

If nothing else, then how about spite?  Don't fucking help them!

I can't imagine how terrifying it must be living there under that kind of threat, but terrible things have happened to a country before, horrifying things, and people have survived it, kept living, found joy, fought against it to make things better  - even the people they want to target. There are going to be lots of other people who are against what they're planning, who will stand against it, who need everyone on their side they can get. Like you.

Almost all the rights and acceptance and possibilities queer people have now in a lot of the world have happened in my lifetime, a lot of them have happened in your lifetime. And it happened, in such a short time, because of people who were discriminated against, excluded, hated, attacked, because they lived and fought. And even then, all through time, you can look back and see queer people who found joy and people who cared about them and pride and built good lives for themselves in spite of all of it; it wasn't just wall-to-wall misery and oppression. That'll still be true if Trump wins.   What we have today exists only because they lived, and even if things get worse, our living is what can make them better again, both in the moment and for the future. The same is true of so many discriminated groups, even if their timeline hasn't been as dramatic in our lifetimes.

Please live to dance on Trump's fucking grave.

[Datelessman]

I absolutely, positively understand the feelings of hope, despair, and dread from a political and social standpoint right now. But let me add to Enail's words that suicide is not the answer.

Please forgive me if some of what I say comes off as condescending. I understand that as a straight, white male who is over 40 who is neither a journalist nor someone who is flamboyantly political online (i.e. I have no Substack and you have to dig into FB a bit to find my anti-Trump replies), I am (theoretically) a lower target than someone who is LGBTQ+ or a woman or a person of color or an immigrant, or even someone outside a blue state. Though I suppose as someone who pursues a fetish online via an alter ego, eventually I could be drummed out as a "pervert."

That said, yes, wanting to spite an enemy may not be the perfect motivation to not kill yourself, but it is one I can agree with. I can say that because I am someone who has contemplated suicide many times in my life, but most recently it was during a period of job insecurity followed by a protracted eviction fight with my landlord (so, 2018-2022), combined with my mother being diagnosed with cancer and being hospitalized for almost 2 months (and for 3 out of 4). I can't say I bought any supplies for the act but I'd researched it online and chose a method and knew what supplies I would need. I'd planned that far. There were times after some interviews did not go my way during my last 6 week period of unemployment (after being fired from a city job, at 38, which I'd seen as my last chance to make anything of myself) in 2018 where I would swear I heard voices telling me to jump in front of a subway train or grab the third rail afterward. I called them "dark thoughts."

So why didn't I? It wasn't hope for the future, though after 2018 I found myself in a better job. But it was in large part not wanting my landlord to win without further trouble. If I killed myself, I was all but condemning my mother to death, too, maybe a month or so later. And then the landlord would get his precious rent controlled apartment without having to pay one more lawyer fee, or retainer, or attend one more court hearing, or anything. And I didn't want that, at all. I took pride in knowing the system enough from my brief city job to accurately report building violations so the landlord got more fines (even though he never pays them, and the same city which will boot and tow your car for $350 in debt over 3 months or will put a tax lien on a small homeowner for a $1000 sidewalk violation apparently doesn't care when a multi-millionaire residential landlord who controls about six dozen shell companies owes over $20,000 in fines across a decade with no intention to pay, but I digress). I figured if the landlord wanted to destroy my life, I didn't have to make it so easy for him.

The other reason, as maudlin as it is, is that suicide does not undo the pain. It just transfers it to other people. The only way to deal with pain is to face the cause of it and do something about that. It's easier said than done, but you've been here a while, you have seen what support can look like, even on a small scale like a forum.

No authoritarian regime has been beloved by a majority of the people. Few last beyond the lifespan of the particular authoritarian. Italy was still a fascist nation until the 70s, until their tyrant died. Now it's a sunny European vacation spot (albeit with cops who will torment and railroad you if given half a chance, but you could say the same of Houston or Austin). And the step by step work to undo one is done by people like you, me, and Enail even if it means telling someone to hold out and not do their enemy's work for them, because we cannot afford to lose one more good person. To paraphrase an old saying, evil only wins when good people do nothing. Dying prevents your ability to do anything.

Besides, your life has been tragic enough, for reasons not of your own choosing. I would implore you not to choose your own cruel end.

Despair, ultimately, is fear. And as DUNE's catch phrase says, fear is a mind killer. It is not you. You are no coward, and when the despair passes, you will remain.

[Glides]

my response was mean and angry and enough to get me banned, so i'm just going to write this instead and end the conversation. i shouldn't punish you for my hopelessness.

[Enail]

Appreciated. But please look after yourself, hopelessness is natural but that doesn't mean it's accurate.

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