Musings on OLD

[LadyIkaros]

So, I'm sick (damn you, winter flu!) and as a result I've been reading blogs and making - and subsequently deleting - a lurker profile on okc, and I'm going to post some thoughts here. Sorry in advance if this comes off as an "all about me" post, I swear I'm not actually that self-centered,  there's just really no one IRL to have this sort of conversation with.

What I'm mostly wondering is wether OLD is even worth looking into, should I ever again decide to get proactive about meeting potential partners, or if I'd be better off trying something else (though I've no idea what. I'm definitely not up for trying to meet people in bars or anything similar. I don't even know where my age group goes (if they go?) it's been so long since I went out).
The pros are: It's easily accessible and I really don't meet many new people in my day to day life.

The cons are: Multiple. (I wouldn't be a nerd on a dating advice forum if I wasn't going to be overthinking and argumentative, now, would I )
There's my unenthusiastic personality. On okc I found two men in my area that I thought I might possibly be interested in. Two. And I live in the big city. Also, getting into the details, we weren't actually compatible in terms of what we were looking for. And one of them was way out of my league. (I know leagues are a contested concept, but he was quite conventionally attractive). Clearly, playing the numbers game isn't really going to work, and as I understand it that's what you have to do in OLD?
Now, I think okc is fairly new where I live and maybe there'd be more people on another site, but I've had it recommended to me as rather nerd friendly and I do like some things about it like the questions and the laid back feeling of the site, but I am wondering if the latter actually works against me? I'd be looking for something with LTR potential, and it looks like okc may primarily be for the more casual crowd; is this correct?

Also, I don't want my photo out there for all to see. Partially because of my job, partially because it just generally rubs me the wrong way. Is this one of those "well, then you shouldn't bother" deals? The way I handled it last times I dabbled in OLD, aeons ago, was to state outright on my profile that men shouldn't message me, I'd be messaging them, and then I sent a photo when I did. So, I did my part in sparing men the feeling of writing into the void And I quite liked this approach; it made me feel more in control and less like an injured gazelle. That being said, I'm not sure it would work well now that I've gotten old and serious. Last time it was more of a casual sex thing, and I'm just not up for that anymore.

And as for sex - TMI ALERT - does anyone have experience internet dating while (mildly) kinky? My experiences were... not great. It seemed - and still seems, judging by the profiles I've read - like the men just want a quick fix for their kink, nothing more. And no, I'm not looking to be your unpaid dominatrix
This is one of the reasons I like okc's questions: You can sort of "discretely" screen for compatibility without making it a focus of your profile. But would it be wiser of me to not mention it at all? I mean, I'm not a hardcore kinkster, there are other things that are more important to me.
Also, on the compatibilty thing, I've honestly no idea where my libido's at. I'm lucky in that if I have no partner and just ignore my sex drive for a while, it conveniently goes into hibernation. But it's been so long I really don't know if it's just that and it would come back to life if I found a partner, like it has before, or if it's taken a permanent dive. I've gotten older and I've gotten diagnosed with a chronic condition that has required both surgery and a hormonal iud to keep things under control, and I suspect the latter isn't doing anything for my sex drive. So it's really hard for me to assess wether I'm actually a good match.

[eselle28]

The cons are: Multiple. (I wouldn't be a nerd on a dating advice forum if I wasn't going to be overthinking and argumentative, now, would I )
There's my unenthusiastic personality. On okc I found two men in my area that I thought I might possibly be interested in. Two. And I live in the big city. Also, getting into the details, we weren't actually compatible in terms of what we were looking for. And one of them was way out of my league. (I know leagues are a contested concept, but he was quite conventionally attractive). Clearly, playing the numbers game isn't really going to work, and as I understand it that's what you have to do in OLD?
Now, I think okc is fairly new where I live and maybe there'd be more people on another site, but I've had it recommended to me as rather nerd friendly and I do like some things about it like the questions and the laid back feeling of the site, but I am wondering if the latter actually works against me? I'd be looking for something with LTR potential, and it looks like okc may primarily be for the more casual crowd; is this correct?

I think these concerns are manageable in the context of OkCupid. There are more people there seeking casual relationships than on sites that involve subscriptions, but I've found there are people looking for a variety of relationships on the site. I am interested in a larger percentage of people, but I live in a small town, and when I've done online dating (I'm not currently doing so) I've been the happiest when I've taken a long view toward things and thought about the site as a way to interact with the one or two men I might be interested in now, and also in the one or two other men I might be interested in three months from now. Infrequently checking in and watching for new folks can alleviate the scarcity concerns to some degree.

Also, I don't want my photo out there for all to see. Partially because of my job, partially because it just generally rubs me the wrong way. Is this one of those "well, then you shouldn't bother" deals? The way I handled it last times I dabbled in OLD, aeons ago, was to state outright on my profile that men shouldn't message me, I'd be messaging them, and then I sent a photo when I did. So, I did my part in sparing men the feeling of writing into the void And I quite liked this approach; it made me feel more in control and less like an injured gazelle. That being said, I'm not sure it would work well now that I've gotten old and serious. Last time it was more of a casual sex thing, and I'm just not up for that anymore.

This one's going to be tougher. I will say that I've sometimes run into men on OkCupid who have taken this approach, and I've always assumed that they were married, had girlfriends, or otherwise were seeking casual partners who they'd never introduce to anyone they knew. As such, I've always deleted their messages. I'm not sure if men feel the same way, though. Maybe some of the ones here can provide feedback into whether they'd consider responding to a message of that type. Another option to consider would be the Craigslist dating forums, where ads without pictures are considerably more common and seem to be more appropriate. The downside of that is that Craigslist varies as to whether its dating forums function as places for people actually finding dates, or whether even the relationship sections are mostly populated by sex workers and clients. You may want to look around yours before considering whether it would be an appropriate site for what you're seeking.

And as for sex - TMI ALERT - does anyone have experience internet dating while (mildly) kinky? My experiences were... not great. It seemed - and still seems, judging by the profiles I've read - like the men just want a quick fix for their kink, nothing more. And no, I'm not looking to be your unpaid dominatrix
This is one of the reasons I like okc's questions: You can sort of "discretely" screen for compatibility without making it a focus of your profile. But would it be wiser of me to not mention it at all? I mean, I'm not a hardcore kinkster, there are other things that are more important to me.
Also, on the compatibilty thing, I've honestly no idea where my libido's at. I'm lucky in that if I have no partner and just ignore my sex drive for a while, it conveniently goes into hibernation. But it's been so long I really don't know if it's just that and it would come back to life if I found a partner, like it has before, or if it's taken a permanent dive. I've gotten older and I've gotten diagnosed with a chronic condition that has required both surgery and a hormonal iud to keep things under control, and I suspect the latter isn't doing anything for my sex drive. So it's really hard for me to assess wether I'm actually a good match.

I have relatively similar preferences, and I handled the issue by answering the sex questions, but not mentioning anything about sex in my profile at all. I've gotten a handful of inappropriate messages focused on that, but they've been in the minority compared to normal messages, boring hi messages, and the generalized gross sexual messages. But I am okay dating reasonably adventurous vanilla dudes, and for the most part, that's who I've found.

[LadyIkaros]

Thanks for the reply.

I've been the happiest when I've taken a long view toward things and thought about the site as a way to interact with the one or two men I might be interested in now, and also in the one or two other men I might be interested in three months from now. Infrequently checking in and watching for new folks can alleviate the scarcity concerns to some degree.

This seems like very good advice. Especially for a picky introvert; the idea of finding, not to talk of actually going on, a massive amounts of dates is so daunting it makes me want to never leave the house. I think I'd have an easier time working up to even get it started if I keep it a lot more low-key in terms of both expectations and approach.

And yeah, the photo thing is a bit problematic I know, but it's a non-negotiable for me.

I have relatively similar preferences, and I handled the issue by answering the sex questions, but not mentioning anything about sex in my profile at all. I've gotten a handful of inappropriate messages focused on that, but they've been in the minority compared to normal messages, boring hi messages, and the generalized gross sexual messages. But I am okay dating reasonably adventurous vanilla dudes, and for the most part, that's who I've found.

That's pretty much the strategy I was thinking of too.

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