Re: How do I know if it's real?

[Aggrax]

I'll see if I can find a printer, the one in our house isn't really used and so it's been out of ink for about a month now. I guess I'll just quickly go down this list

-Feelings of sadness, emptiness or unhappiness
--I suppose sad or apathetic has become something of a default state for me. When around other people I often feel happier, but it fades quickly once I'm alone again.

-Angry outbursts, irritability or frustration, even over small matters
--Not really sure. Normally I'm not the kind of person to have lots of outbursts, but I have been more easily frustrated talking to certain people recently

-Loss of interest or pleasure in normal activities, such as sex
--Varies. I have been staying in more often rather than going out with friends, but that's mostly because I feel like I would be annoying to be around at the time

-Sleep disturbances, including insomnia or sleeping too much
--My sleep schedule been pretty bad since high school, so for about 8-9 years now. I have sleep apnea, for which I own a CPAP machine, but have been very sporadic about using it. Just today I got a new sleep mask that covers my mouth, so that might help a bit

-Tiredness and lack of energy, so that even small tasks take extra effort
--Give the poor sleep habits, not sure how to go with this one. I've always had a lot of nervous energy, but that never translates into doing anything other than fidgeting. I do put off doing things quite a bit, but that might just be an extension of the bad procrastination habits I picked up in high school

-Changes in appetite — often reduced appetite and weight loss, but increased cravings for food and weight gain in some people
--I've always had a large appetite which had contributed to my obesity and diabetes. When I started college I spent way to much money on eating over-sized fast food meals. For the past year or so my appetite has been very sporadic, coming and going, which I attribute to my out of control blood sugar issues.

-Anxiety, agitation or restlessness — for example, excessive worrying, pacing, hand-wringing or an inability to sit still
--As I said before, I've always had a lot of nervous energy, fidgeting around a lot and randomly playing with things to keep my hands busy. I do tend to worry a lot, especially when I find myself in new or confusing situations, but that always seemed like a normal thing

-Slowed thinking, speaking or body movements
--Not sure. Best I can say is that there hasn't been any drastic changes in thinking, speaking or movement speed.

-Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures or blaming yourself for things that are not your responsibility
--While I do experience these feeling a lot, they all feel like a natural response to the decisions I've made in my life. I've done a lot of stupid things that I should feel guilty for and I am to blame for, so I'm not really sure with this one.

-Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering things
--I've struggled with these things as long as I can remember. Ever since about 4th grade or so, anything farther back is fuzzy.

-Frequent thoughts of death, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts or suicide
--Very frequent on the first two, though never with any serious desire to attempt them. Sometimes I do get intrusive thoughts about self harm, including a recurring one about stabbing my left hand through with a knife, but I've never contemplated actually going through with the act.

-Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches
--Nothing that doesn't have an explainable source. Given that I am overweight and diabetic, there's generally an explanation for any physical problems I'm feeling.

Even with everything that's been said, I still have some nagging doubts about this. I keep wondering if the recent "surge" in various issues I've been feeling is the result of my perhaps better understanding what I might be dealing with, or if it's an attempt of my subconscious to mimic the symptoms of something I recently learned about in order for me to better fit a self pitying narrative.

[Enail]

Seriously, print out the stuff you've been saying here, and let the doctor take a look and decide. That's their job!

[reboot]

Aggrax, would you attempt to self diagnose a physical ailment? Of course not. Do not try to do it with a mental one either. You have enough symptoms of something not being right to at least merit a consult to rule it in or out. Come on, if you had fever, rash, and joint pain you would go to the doctor, so why not trouble sleeping, feelings of worthlessness/guilt, and frequent thoughts of death or suicide? They are also symptoms.

If you do not have a printer, just hand copy your last post. That should work.

[Aggrax]

I just want to thank you all so much for helping me work though this. This morning I woke up and, for the first time in a long while, didn't want to just lay in bed for the rest of the day. I'm still nervous, anxious and scared near out of my mind, but I also felt better today.

[Werel]

I just want to thank you all so much for helping me work though this. This morning I woke up and, for the first time in a long while, didn't want to just lay in bed for the rest of the day. I'm still nervous, anxious and scared near out of my mind, but I also felt better today.

I'm so, so glad to hear that. Whenever there's stuff you want to write out, either to get advice or just to unravel your thoughts, we'll be here and rooting for you.

(And I hope you'll give yourself permission to just talk to a doc for a few minutes sometime soon-- you're worth a professional opinion! Can't hurt.)

[reboot]

Anytime, Aggrax, anytime.

[Aggrax]

I'm so, so glad to hear that. Whenever there's stuff you want to write out, either to get advice or just to unravel your thoughts, we'll be here and rooting for you.

(And I hope you'll give yourself permission to just talk to a doc for a few minutes sometime soon-- you're worth a professional opinion! Can't hurt.)

I'm not sure if I want to talk to my General Care Doctor or the Endocrinologist that I've been seeing for the past few months about this first. I don't have an appointment with either until March so I'll be making a decision over the weekend and calling on Monday to see if I can get in to see one of them sooner.

[Enail]

I'm glad you're feeling better today, Aggrax, and that talking this stuff over here is helpful. I second Werel on all counts.

[Aggrax]

It's just fucking wonderful to know that whenever I try to solve a problem myself instead of letting someone competent do it, things will only get slightly worse instead of horribly worse. I mean, now I'm still having trouble sleeping, have barely any restraint on when and how much I eat and no control over a very serious bodily condition, but now I also have a $130 bill for a piece of medical equipment that I can't get to work right because I'm FUCKING STUPID.

[Enail]

Aggrax, give yourself a break. You've got medical equipment; that's presumably because that medical equipment could be helpful for your health, and because you went to the doctor to do something helpful for your health. That's something good you've accomplished.

So you're having trouble getting it to work. Maybe it's something that takes practice to get right. Lots of medical stuff is fiddly and annoying that way! Maybe you need another demonstration of how to work it before you can get the hang of it. Maybe it's not working right for reasons that have nothing to do with you. None of those things are unheard of. You're not going to be able to figure out which of those things it is and do something to solve it if you default to telling yourself it's because you're stupid.

[reboot]

Aggrax, see if you can find a training video online. Trust me, no one figures out a piece of medical equipment after one demo. Even doctors sit there and swear and curse at each new piece of gear for about a week.

[Aggrax]

It's not even that hard. It's just attaching a stupid sleep mask to my face. I need two straps and a bunch of plastic to even properly perform a basic bodily function and I can't even do that right.

[Enail]

Sleep apnea (?) is a health problem, not a "I'm too useless to perform a bodily function" problem. And everyone I've ever heard of who's used one of those masks has had trouble getting it right and getting used to it. This is not a problem with you or your intelligence.

[Aggrax]

I'm sorry, I shouldn't have posted that while I was stressed out. I've had trouble sleeping with the mask on my face again and it's stressing me out. I need to justify owning and using this thing and every time I can't get things to work right just makes it harder and harder.

[Conreezy]

It's not even that hard. It's just attaching a stupid sleep mask to my face. I need two straps and a bunch of plastic to even properly perform a basic bodily function and I can't even do that right.

Do you have a CPAP machine? I've been a paramedic for 6 years and every time I have to put CPAP on someone, it's like the first time. Don't be so hard on yourself. Once you get used to it, though, you're going to like the way you feel.

[eselle28]

I'm sorry you're struggling with the mask, Aggrax. My dad has sleep apnea and has used one that's probably similar for several years. He had trouble both using it and sleeping with it at first too. I don't mean to post this in a discouraging way - he got used to it long ago and is so much more rested now - but more as a suggestion that this is something that's kind of hard, period, and not something that you're failing at in some way.

[Aggrax]

If it was just something I was dealing with, I probably wouldn't stress out as much, but I need to prove to may parents that this was a good investment and that it's working. when I started using the machine I just had a nose mask, which I had stopped consistently using because my mouth kept dropping open and I couldn't breathe right in my sleep. I should have talked to someone about a strap or full face mask earlier, but per my usual decision making process I avoided going to see anyone until a previously scheduled followup appointment came up.

By that point my parents had written off the CPAP machine as nothing more than a high cost mistake and the idea of having to purchase a new full-face mask was a very hard sell. I need them to believe that this is worth it and every night I struggle to use the thing feels like a loss to me.

If they decide that the CPAP machine is useless or a waste of money, there isn't a whole lot I would be able to do to stop them if they decided that getting rid of it was the best option since I'm still living in their house and it was mostly paid for with their money.

[Aggrax]

I don't know if it's the 4 hours of sleep or the odd fever state I'm in, but a lot of things just kind of clicked in perspective. I'm scared. I'm so unbelievable scared. I'm scared of failing again after so many times in the past, I'm scared of success because it won't make me happy, just paranoid that I'll be failing again soon. I'm scared to talk to anyone about this, because I think I'll annoy or anger anyone I talk to and then they'll hate me. I can't stop feeling like everyone I interact with is just humoring me, like I'm a cymbal banging Gorilla and everyone but me can see it. I'm scared I do or say something wrong and all my friends will have an epiphany and realize that I'm boring and annoying and unfunny and they won't want me around any more.

Most of all, I'm scared of how much of me is hate. Hate for myself and everything I done or said or planned or whatever. I can't look in pictures or mirrors without hating the person I see. There are times when I wish it was another person so I could kill them.It tells me I don't deserve to be happy. I don't deserve good things because deep down I'm such a horrible person so full of hate. If I hated another person, or group of people with the level I hate myself, there is no way anyone could over look that. And so it goes, why is it a less horrible trait when turned inward?

[Enail]

Hate is a feeling. Fear is a feeling too. Feelings don't make a good person or a bad one; how they act on their feelings does that.

And what you're doing right now with those feelings is pushing yourself to try in spite of your fear, working to help yourself in spite of your self-hatred. Going to your medical appointments even though you're scared there's nothing wrong and they'll just tell you you wasted their time, trying to learn to use the machine even though you're scared of failing, standing up for what you need and looking after your health even against opposition and doubt, even though you don't feel like you're worth it, even though you hate the person you're doing it for right now. You're feeling hatred, you're feeling fear...but you are acting with love and with courage.

I hope you can get some sleep soon. You're doing the right thing by trying to take care of yourself. Keep it up.

[Werel]

Hate is a feeling. Fear is a feeling too. Feelings don't make a good person or a bad one; how they act on their feelings does that.

This+++

I am also sometimes scared by feeling hatred; I think many people are. You need to listen to the fact that you're scared by it. Some people relish that hate, nurture it, make it part of their identity. You're not doing that, and you don't want to. That's one thing to give yourself some credit for.

And for right now, bear in mind how badly sleep deprivation can fuck with your brain. Don't take anything you're feeling, or the bleakness of your outlook today, as a permanent and unchangeable state (V-Day! On no sleep! For somebody who's unhappy with their singleness! Jesus, that'd make a lot of horrible shit "click" for most people). It'll be different tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that.

And it seems pretty damn likely that things will look better when you're not loopy from exhaustion + fever, a state which makes adorable fluffy puppies look like nothing but walking piss-and-shit-and-noise machines.

[Aggrax]

And it seems pretty damn likely that things will look better when you're not loopy from exhaustion + fever, a state which makes adorable fluffy puppies look like nothing but walking piss-and-shit-and-noise machines.

Apparently when I'm sick I like to ramble at the television. Yesterday while watching Avengers on the couch I spent about 20 minutes explaining to our dog that Hawkeye is the greatest Avenger because he is best at arrows, but that Thor is the sexiest. But don't tell Cap or he will get jealous. Then this morning I was ranting at the couple on Property Brothers for not picking "Obviously Best House"

[Werel]

Apparently when I'm sick I like to ramble at the television. Yesterday while watching Avengers on the couch I spent about 20 minutes explaining to our dog that Hawkeye is the greatest Avenger because he is best at arrows, but that Thor is the sexiest. But don't tell Cap or he will get jealous. Then this morning I was ranting at the couple on Property Brothers for not picking "Obviously Best House"

Would totally watch "Aggrax is sick" MST3K-style comment tracks.

[Aggrax]

Well, I tried to have a conversation with my parents about the possibility of looking into some mental health treatment. Although what I actually did was cry and blubber like a stupid 7 year old child. After that was about an hour of the standard "You just need to *try* and things will work out. How much motivation you're feeling doesn't matter, because you have to do it anyway, so stop being lazy and just do it. You're not giving any effort." Which was of course followed by the usual list of "All the things Ryan does that are wrong and all the stupid decisions that he's made"

[Enail]

Ugh, Aggrax, your parents sound so difficult to deal with! Sorry you're having to go through all that with them. Try not to let them get to you, you're doing the right thing trying to get help!

And don't feel bad for crying and feeling like a kid - I think everyone lands up reverting to feeling like a kid again when arguing with their parents (and it's a stressful and emotional discussion that would be completely natural to cry during even if you're not doing that 'talking to my parents regress to childhood' thing, nothing stupid about that)!

[jcorozza]

Blarg, this makes me angry. I hate this attitude that some people have that attitude about mental health - it makes it so much harder for people to get the help they need! I want to shake your parents really hard in the hopes of making them understand.

I saw it mentioned earlier in the thread that you're diabetic (and that diabetes is sometimes linked with depression) - my ex who was diabetic and he had a specialist that he would see every now and then (or call between bouts of vomiting after going for a day trip in the city and forgetting his insulin pump ) to check in - do you? Is there a chance that person would talk with you about any of this, or better yet, talk to your parents so that they might understand?

Seconding Enail on that whole parent/child thing. I had to move back home for grad school, and hoo boy, it is hard. No one makes me feel more like a failure at adulting than my dad, and very little can reduce me to tears more quickly than a snarky comment from him about how I don't know anything about taxes, or insurance, or whatever random thing he's decided is the most important thing that all adults should know about.

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