Re: The Same OLD Stories: Dating Profile/Message Advice

by jcorozza Tue Jun 02, 2015 7:50 pm

I think your best three pictures (for both variety and facial expressions would be the first one, the one with you at the architecture workshop, and the hiking one - I would use some version of those three as the first - even though they're all travel related, they show you doing different things while traveling that the reader can say, "oh, hey, we could do X together" about. I think overall it's a good mix. Actually, I would put the architecture workshop one first - it's got movement, it's flattering, you're doing something interesting in it, and something about the first photo reads a lot younger than you actually are, though I can't put my finger on what. The text, along with those pictures, feels more balanced now.

Now, just out of curiosity, do you message guys, or mostly reply to their messages? Are the guys you look for/want to date on the shy side?

by Jane_the_chicken Tue Jun 02, 2015 10:20 pm

Ha -- all three of those photos were taken by the same person. Smile

Sooo that is an awkward question. In real life, the people I tend to be attracted to are not shy at all. But I can count the number of times I have received a legit message from a guy on OKC on one hand -- I always kind of figured it was because my photos are not very feminine. I get a few "hi" messages and bland copy-pastas a month. So far I have initiated about 90% of all conversations on OKC and set up about 60% of the dates I have been on (including a couple from Tinder.)

by jcorozza Tue Jun 02, 2015 10:43 pm

I have the opposite - I tend to be attracted to shy guys, but most of the messages I send are lost in the ether, and most of the dates I've been on are guys who messaged me first. Weird.

So I was wondering this because you mention being an introvert several times, and this may be making you more appealing to shy types - even though shy /= introvert, a lot of people still think of them as being the same- who don't always send as many messages), but maybe not sparking the interest of the less shy guys?

by Jane_the_chicken Wed Jun 03, 2015 12:21 am

Oh. Oops. I guess I was trying to make that list more amusing. It's true -- I am massively introverted -- but not particularly shy.

The one thing is that I actually only just added those phrases (my profile has never made mention of introversion before, though I suppose it's always had the "I don't go out on Friday night" phrase), and the pattern I mentioned has been the same more or less since I started using the site seriously (about two and a half years ago.) I've rewritten my profile a few times, but it's always been variations on "travel, hobbies, study, la la."

I think, sadly, that most of the guys I am organically attracted to are not the sort who feel particularly called to online dating.

by jcorozza Wed Jun 03, 2015 12:32 am

I definitely go through phases where I hear from almost no one (or, my favorite, when I message guys who I've gotten that "you both like each other" message from...and they delete their profiles 2 hours later. Or visit my profile 3 times but don't respond. And then there are times when I don't put as much effort in, and seem to get messages from decent guys. Sometimes the time of year (near a particular holiday, good/bad weather) seems to change how people respond.

Every so often (maybe once every month or so?) it's good to clear out a few questions (not the ones you write in) and answer a few new ones. More people see your profile that way. I also tweak mine every week or so if I notice I'm not getting many visitors. Sometimes it's just about getting that right person to see it. And, in the meantime, doing other stuff so that if it turns out Mr. Awesomesauce just into OKC, or online dating, I might meet him some other way. And like once a week or so I want to throw my computer at the wall and give up.

by jcorozza Fri Jun 05, 2015 8:32 am

So I get this message from a guy today - the message is nice enough, but as I look through his questions, it's pretty clear we would not be compatible (he's fairly religious, and some other major things). But I also noticed that we had in several cases the same answer, but mine came up in pink/red, and I'm always curious about these. I notice them a lot on intelligence/interest in being intellectual questions, so in this case, I told him nicely that I didn't think we were compatible, but mentioned that I was curious about a particular question, because I see it a lot (the STALE is to STEAL one - we both answered correctly), and was wondering why my answers come up as unacceptable.

So he goes on to tell me that he doesn't pay attention much to the questions, because those don't really show compatibility, and that question had answers that were relative (uh, what?) and he "insisted" that I give him a better reason not to think we would be compatible.

So I responded that the questions actually do matter, and help me find people I match up with, but that he doesn't get to "insist" that I do anything, and the fact that he thinks he does is gross.

Then he went on a rant that he's on the spectrum, and it's offensive to call someone on the spectrum gross (I didn't. I called his action gross). And that no one understands how he communicates and I'm "just like the rest of them. Sigh. Isn't it more offensive that he's using his autism as an excuse to be a rude sexist jerkbag? And maybe, just maybe, if no one understands how you communicate...you should WORK ON how you communicate, rather than just insulting people until you find one who doesn't find you rude?

/Rant over

by Caffeinated Fri Jun 05, 2015 5:22 pm

jcorozza wrote:So I get this message from a guy today - the message is nice enough, but as I look through his questions, it's pretty clear we would not be compatible (he's fairly religious, and some other major things). But I also noticed that we had in several cases the same answer, but mine came up in pink/red, and I'm always curious about these. I notice them a lot on intelligence/interest in being intellectual questions, so in this case, I told him nicely that I didn't think we were compatible, but mentioned that I was curious about a particular question, because I see it a lot (the STALE is to STEAL one - we both answered correctly), and was wondering why my answers come up as unacceptable.

So he goes on to tell me that he doesn't pay attention much to the questions, because those don't really show compatibility, and that question had answers that were relative (uh, what?) and he "insisted" that I give him a better reason not to think we would be compatible.

So I responded that the questions actually do matter, and help me find people I match up with, but that he doesn't get to "insist" that I do anything, and the fact that he thinks he does is gross.

Then he went on a rant that he's on the spectrum, and it's offensive to call someone on the spectrum gross (I didn't. I called his action gross). And that no one understands how he communicates and I'm "just like the rest of them. Sigh. Isn't it more offensive that he's using his autism as an excuse to be a rude sexist jerkbag? And maybe, just maybe, if no one understands how you communicate...you should WORK ON how you communicate, rather than just insulting people until you find one who doesn't find you rude?

/Rant over

Wow. It's like life gave him a pop quiz on whether he was a decent sort of person who can respect others or a sexist dude with entitlement issues, and he failed that quiz. It's like failing a quiz that asks whether the sun revolves around the earth or the earth around the sun.

by Guest Fri Jun 05, 2015 5:40 pm

I found this on Cracked.
http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-reasons-online-dating-will-never-lead-to-love/

Also entry #3 is what I was talking about when I was having OLD question issues. I mean look at that dolphin question, WTF kinda question is that?

by jcorozza Fri Jun 05, 2015 10:15 pm

Caffeinated wrote:

Wow. It's like life gave him a pop quiz on whether he was a decent sort of person who can respect others or a sexist dude with entitlement issues, and he failed that quiz. It's like failing a quiz that asks whether the sun revolves around the earth or the earth around the sun.

He send me a long rant in which he told me I was arrogant, abhorrent, and ignorant. So I reported him. And I don't think I've ever reported anyone.

Mikey, those kinds of questions crack me up. The thing is, for people who want to take it seriously...they can skip those questions! And all of the questions about freckles. There is MORE THAN ONE question about freckles.

by nearly_takuan Sat Jun 06, 2015 2:18 am

Okay, I pretty much just hate the new gender identity checkboxes. Because "heterosexual" isn't quite right and "asexual, questioning" is, but now I am getting significantly more profile views and "like"s and even messages from gay men than replies from women. One would think that since I still only say "Interested in: Women", I wouldn't show up in their search results, but apparently I do.

by Guest Sat Jun 06, 2015 11:58 am

jcorozza wrote:
Mikey, those kinds of questions crack me up. The thing is, for people who want to take it seriously...they can skip those questions! And all of the questions about freckles. There is MORE THAN ONE question about freckles.

Really? They just kinda make me cock my head to the side. I guess it goes to show how seriously I take it while simultaneously not knowing WTF I'm doing. Razz

nearly_takuan wrote:Okay, I pretty much just hate the new gender identity checkboxes. Because "heterosexual" isn't quite right and "asexual, questioning" is, but now I am getting significantly more profile views and "like"s and even messages from gay men than replies from women. One would think that since I still only say "Interested in: Women", I wouldn't show up in their search results, but apparently I do.

That's okay, I'd get visits (but no messages) from trans-men. Even though I was listed as straight and only interested in women. -shrug-

So, it happens I guess. I dunno, I find it kinda flattering. Razz

I say flattering because of all the trouble I have with women. Laughing

by jcorozza Sat Jun 06, 2015 12:03 pm

Eh, I get why it's annoying when people completely ignore what you've stated in your profile that you're looking for - I've heard lots of bisexual women or lesbians who clearly say in their profiles that they are looking for women, and still get men trying to get their attention, and that could be pretty annoying. Unless it's clearly ONLY friendly. Now, if that kind of thing happens IRL and, say, a woman flirts with me not knowing I'm a straight woman? That's pretty flattering (assuming they aren't crude or rude).

I take online dating fairly seriously, but I also can be amused by the pointless questions and quickly click through them.

by nearly_takuan Sat Jun 06, 2015 12:30 pm

Eh, I don't so much mind that they didn't read everything; it's just kind of weird that the site doesn't use the most obvious Boolean values to filter people. It also annoys me when I do my own searches and half of the first ten or so results are either lesbian or bisexual-but-only-looking-for-women-right-now.

And it's disappointing, even with my already very low expectations, because I'll get an email saying "New message from <user>" and the message is just "Hey how are you doing this evening?" so it's not until I click through that I get to know who sent it.

by Guest Sat Jun 06, 2015 5:36 pm

jcorozza wrote:
I take online dating fairly seriously, but I also can be amused by the pointless questions and quickly click through them.

I take it seriously too, but I was under the impression that I had to answer every question on my first go-around. Including the weird questions. Facepalm

Which is why when you read my old (now dead) profile there was some incongruity in my answers, IDK what the hell to answer with and IDK what you'd answer either, so I kinda guessed on the odd questions.

I kid you not, I said "what the hell you talking about, OKC?" out loud on more than one occasion. Razz

by jcorozza Sat Jun 06, 2015 7:58 pm

Nope, you can skip all those goofy ones, and the poorly worded ones -there are a LOT of those. Someone never learned how to write questions correctly for gathering data...

by **Robjection** Sat Jun 06, 2015 8:00 pm

Why, despite not having actually seen the questions, do I get the feeling that some of the questions are user-submitted?

by Caffeinated Sat Jun 06, 2015 8:32 pm

Robjection wrote:Why, despite not having actually seen the questions, do I get the feeling that some of the questions are user-submitted?

I thought they were all user-submitted. Or maybe there were a few written by the staff to start things off when the site was new, but those have been overwhelmed by the user-submitted ones.

by jcorozza Sat Jun 06, 2015 8:37 pm

I think they are, but it doesn't seem like anyone looks them over to make sure that they actually make sense.

by BobTheNinja Sun Jun 07, 2015 12:02 am

Just making sure, we can get feedback for our dating profiles here, right?

by **Enail** Sun Jun 07, 2015 12:08 am

Yep, I think that's actually the main purpose of this thread, and anything else is sidetracking!

by BobTheNinja Sun Jun 07, 2015 12:18 am

Alright, well here's what I've got so far: http://www.okcupid.com/profile/SirGamesALot501

I know I could use more photos, I'm still working on that.

by jcorozza Sun Jun 07, 2015 12:40 am

Since you already know you need more photos, I'll skip to the text. So, there's nothing wrong with it, per se. The grammar's fine, and all that. It just...lacks personality. I don't know who you are from reading it. Are you quiet and brooding? Silly and spontaneous? Clever and funny? I have no idea. You can definitely use pictures to supplement that, but the text should be interesting, too.

by BobTheNinja Sun Jun 07, 2015 12:55 am

jcorozza wrote:Since you already know you need more photos, I'll skip to the text. So, there's nothing wrong with it, per se. The grammar's fine, and all that. It just...lacks personality. I don't know who you are from reading it. Are you quiet and brooding? Silly and spontaneous? Clever and funny? I have no idea. You can definitely use pictures to supplement that, but the text should be interesting, too.

I don't think I can put in "generally quiet, shy to strangers, and follows routine". That sounds like kind of a turn-off.

I mean, I have a humorous side, but it's the kind of humor that derives from weird youtube videos and nerdy forum interactions.

by jcorozza Sun Jun 07, 2015 12:58 am

Well, no, I wouldn't write that, but especially since you mention enjoying expressing yourself with words...there are ways to "show, not tell".

But here's a thought: so, you'd describe yourself as "generally quiet and follows routine", but then said that doesn't sound interesting. Do you find yourself interesting? What is interesting about you?

by BobTheNinja Sun Jun 07, 2015 1:05 am

jcorozza wrote:Well, no, I wouldn't write that, but especially since you mention enjoying expressing yourself with words...there are ways to "show, not tell".

But here's a thought: so, you'd describe yourself as "generally quiet and follows routine", but then said that doesn't sound interesting. Do you find yourself interesting? What is interesting about you?

It's really telling that I can't seem to find an answer to that question.

Here's the thing, I mainly define myself through the things that I enjoy (all the hobbies listed in the profile). But regarding my personal characteristics? I'm a young man who graduated with a degree in political science and isn't quite sure what to do with it, and I have a basic job at a retail chain. At one point I was a cadet in the Civil Air Patrol and worked with radios in field exercises, but that was a long time ago. Right now...I just don't think there's anything that noteworthy about me.

EDIT: I suppose I'm a really imaginative person. That basically goes hand in hand with my love of fiction. I also love a good laugh, so humor is there too.

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