Re: The Same OLD Stories: Dating Profile/Message Advice

[jcorozza]

Yeah, I agree with Wisp that they're not great opening photos - I don't learn anything about your personality with them - you have a lot of interest and hobbies, so see if you can include them in your photos. You want to look like a person who'd be interesting to get to know, or that someone could ask questions about. Like with a pet, or on a hike/trail, etc.

[Archetype694]

That's a good idea.

I was planning on visiting the zoo next week so I can use that as an opportunity for some better pics. For times when I'm on the trail or at the park I'm generally by myself so I would assume selfies would be ok for that?

Perhaps after reading some tips on on how to take a decent selfie.

Edit: Didn't see this earlier post. Please excuse the length as I have had a couple of beers and I've a tendency to ramble. I think they are good questions and mean the post as a sounding board if you don't mind.

Generally, it could use some more specifics - you like learning new things - what kind of things?  You like board games- give some examples! What makes "good company"?  

I'm not quite sure how to articulate this, as any area of study would obviously be at the layman level and I don't wish to come off as pretentious twit.

A recent example would be my trying to gain a rudimentary understanding of economics. One way I have pursued this is reading the class lectures of Adam Smith as well as excerpts of the Wealth of Nations, I find it fascinating that a system that is often mocked for it's callousness towards it's fellow man would wind up having it's founder voice such strong beliefs about the necessity of protections for the poor and lower classes. I understand that this is expounded further in his Theory of Moral Sentiments which is on my to do list.

Also, I think the division of labor is such a cool / revolutionary concept.

When I mention board games it's more harking back to playing games of Monopoly and what not when I was younger, I have had an interest in getting into this as a hobby as it seems to be having a resurgence in popularity. However I haven't dedicated serious effort into exploring this, aside from a few recent games of Settlers of Catan and Munchkin. I'll likely take this down till I have more concrete examples to list.

As for what I consider good company I mean people who exhibit qualities that I admire, such as kindness, patience, and tolerance. I feel in our society that there is pressure to brag and show off and I find such behavior wearisome. I get along well with most people but find myself most at ease with what some would consider simple folk, or in my mind people who do not subscribe to the modern rat race and it's associated stressors.  

 Also...this is just one that drives me nuts: "wherefore" means "why".

Hah! That's a bit embarrassing, I thought I had fixed it a while back. Thanks for noticing.

[jcorozza]

Well, if you're going with someone, have them take them, and otherwise, you can probably ask another zoo-goer. But zoos are great places to get a photo or two - lots of energy and color in their, plus animals are awesome. Plus outdoor lighting is generally your friend.

[Caffeinated]

Would you guys mind offering some critique of my profile?

I had recently reactivated my account to test the local dating waters. So far my success has been nil. After about sending roughly twenty five messages in the past two weeks I have only had three replies.

I was thinking perhaps having another view of my profile might highlight where it might be turning people away.

I realize the weight is a large issue (pun intended), and it's understandable that this would preclude me from a large portion of the dating pool but what confuses me is that it's almost night and day in how people (positively) react to me in person verses how little attention I have been able to garner via my profile.

http://www.okcupid.com/profile/J-Speakeasy

Overall, I think you have a good profile.

There are a few things I noticed that could be turning people away (some of which are changeable, some not so much.) They are:
*weight
*smoking
*agnosticism
*income
*dislike of chihuahuas

Some people don't want to date people who are overweight, some don't want to date smokers, some don't want to date people outside their religious belief system. The income being fairly average could turn away women who are reaching an age where they're specifically looking to settle down and have kids, and who therefore need to think about the feasibility of having kids with a particular person they date. And the chihuahua thing, while it's kind of funny, was a little bit jarring, and there may be more women out there who are pro-chihuahua than you might think.

Two sections of the profile I think could use work are the "On a typical Friday night" and "You should message me if" sections. These sections are your closers, so they should be closing. Even if you are typically working late on Friday nights, that's not a good response in this case, because it doesn't give a potential date a mental picture of what it would be like if she went out with you. And the message me section is bland. That's the section where you want to have some kind of conversational hook. I think if you punched those two sections up a little, it would improve your profile.

Last, three responses out of twenty-five messages sent doesn't sound like such a bad response rate, especially if those conversations went somewhere.

[Archetype694]

There are a few things I noticed that could be turning people away (some of which are changeable, some not so much.) They are:
*weight
*smoking
*agnosticism
*income
*dislike of chihuahuas

Hey thanks for offering a detailed critique. While I can only do so much with some of the above it's still useful data.

For weight and smoking I agree it's only fair that would exclude me from portions of the dating pool, so no foul there. As regarding agnosticism I'll just have to deal with that I suppose. Income  I agree is meh but I live in florida which has a lower cost of living and typically the jobs here pay less so it's roughly an average salary here. I could make more but I'd likely hate my job. As for those hell demons.. err tiny dogs I do stand by my statement, but I also see what you mean and will consider taking it down.

Two sections of the profile I think could use work are the "On a typical Friday night" and "You should message me if" sections. These sections are your closers, so they should be closing. And the message me section is bland. That's the section where you want to have some kind of conversational hook. I think if you punched those two sections up a little, it would improve your profile.

Hmm I'd have to admit I'm at a loss for what I would replace these areas with. I'll have to think it over for a bit and perhaps look other people's profiles for ideas.

Last, three responses out of twenty-five messages sent doesn't sound like such a bad response rate, especially if those conversations went somewhere.

Yeah.. not so much. I struggle mightily in this area. What's even worse is that If I am able to move the conversation to the phone I have zero text game and phone conversations tend to fall flat so almost every interaction just simply fades out. I plan to post some examples and ask for advice once I have ironed out the kinks in my profile.

[Perlandra]

Well, even if you can change some of the things that are limiting your pool, it isn't going to happen overnight, and you may revert (regain weight after dieting, fall back into smoking even if you quit for a while). So, it's probably best to focus on people who are a fit for you as you are, rather than as they want you to be, in those areas.

[Perlandra]

Grr, it double-posted.  I do have a question about OLD - I've been bringing up my doing elder-care fairly quickly (usually when they ask about my work, or what I've done that day).  I've also brought up my health issues (still doing PT for sprained ankle, going to the gym/dancing a lot as a form of more PT and to rebuild my cardio fitness, breathing issues).  I mentioned that it's mostly been resolved, but is still a work in progress.  So far, the reaction has been pretty positive - sympathy/empathy, sometimes sharing more difficult things that they're dealing with, but I'm worried it might be a bit too "heavy" as conversational topics, or lead to a bit of "white knight rescue the damsel" thinking.

BTW, someone posted upthread that it's kinda rude to give much detail about how your dating is going so far, that you shouldn't mention other people you've gone out with. I've had a few people ask me directly, so I've been upfront but in fairly general terms. Something along the lines of, "I've met up with a couple people so far, but we didn't really hit it off in terms of chemistry even though they were nice. I haven't been overwhelmed by the stereotypical tsunami of mail that ladies are supposed to get, but about 75% of the guys who've contacted me so far have developed into interesting conversations." Does that still seem too TMI, or is it reasonable since they did ask, after all?

[Hirundo Bos]

Sounds about the right amount of information to me, though I'm not exactly an expert on etiquette. Going on in detail about other dates would probably not be a good idea, but if someone asks a question and gets offended by a brief answer like yours, I'd say that they're the ones being rude. I mean, if they think it's rude to talk about a topic, they shouldn't really have raised that topic?

[Perlandra]

Oh, I should clarify, none of the guys who've asked that have been rude about it. I just was second-guessing myself a bit when I read that while going through the thread. I'm definitely not rubbing their noses in it or anything.

I also haven't had any negative reactions to sharing about my medical issues/the medical issues of the people I'm taking care of, but I am worried it could backfire a bit.

[Nerdator]

Hey, I've finally got round to updating my OKC profile, and I've taken into account some of the advice I got from you in this thread last year (the discussion starts at page 10, if you're interested) – mainly dealing with some things that could be construed as insults.

So, here's the link: http://www.okcupid.com/profile/Nerdator

I have completely or mostly rewritten almost all of the sections, except for 'Favourite books etc.' and 'I spend a lot of time thinking about', with just a couple of updates there. Plus, I've put completely new pictures and made some updates in my details.

Now, I must say that I'm not really looking for dates there (primarily and mostly because the local OKC pool is actually a swamp, but also because I've since realised that I have far better chances IRL, despite some social ineptitude that I have) – though, if anything crops up, I look into it. The main idea now is to try using OKC to look for language partners (which, in a way, I had some success with in the past).

[Perlandra]

Nerdator, your sarcasm and humor can be nice, but it still comes across as extremely self-deprecating.  If you don't want to get any dates there, that's fine, but I don't think your potential language buddies are actively looking for that attitude toward yourself either.

[Nerdator]

Nerdator, your sarcasm and humor can be nice, but it still comes across as extremely self-deprecating.  If you don't want to get any dates there, that's fine, but I don't think your potential language buddies are actively looking for that attitude toward yourself either.

Do you have any specific bits in mind that really go overboard? Is it the arse scar? Oh, please, tell me it's the arse scar!

In fairness, I bet it's mostly 'My self-summary', isn't it? I really wanted to subvert this bit, because it's so excessive (the profile is already a self-summary, why would anyone need a self-summary for a self-summary?), but I kind of ran out of good ideas there.

[jcorozza]

I thought the scar part was fine, and the "message me if" section was fun, but yeah, the self-summary is THE first thing they're going to read, so yeah, I think that's the one that needs work.

A couple of other things - based on the other questions, it sounds like you're interested in non-monogamy, so I would put a relationship type in there (if you prefer monogamy, but wouldn't mind open/poly, then "mostly monogamous", or if the other, "mostly nonmonogamous".

While looking through the rest of your questions, a few really stood out as a red flag. One was: Do you believe you have the right to forbid your significant other anything? and your answer is "yes". Uh...what? Especially since long-term, serious relationships is not your current deal, what would you imagine forbidding your partner to do? Asking them not to do something is fine, but most people aren't going to respond well to being forbidden from doing something.

The other was this: When playing games with friends, which is more important to you?
Nerdator: I don't have any friends. Especially since you are looking for friend-type people, this, while it may be true, might not be something you want to announce. When I see that, I think, oh, this person doesn't want friends, but wants casual sex partners. And it's probably going to turn off potential casual sex-partners as well. They won't know whether you're just bad at making friends, move a lot, or just don't like people.

[Perlandra]

Nerdator, the arse scar part didn't bother me, but the whole "about me" section came across as extremely down on yourself, and set the tone for the rest of your profile coming across as self-deprecating instead of sarcastic.  I was kinda grossed out by all the references to body secretions.  There were two for vomit, one for boogers, one for pooping, plus the anal sex with your amputee first grade teacher and eating your cat.  Some people are into that style of humor, but it's mostly guys, and mostly ones with particularly juvenile tastes.  You're basically doing everything you can to drive women away and make yourself a "no girls allowed" club.

[BasedBuzzed]

Your summary is self-demonstrating in its dullness. Try to show more passion for self-hatred like in the rest of the profile, because it had me clapping and I'm not even American.

"I am the AT&T of people, but let's make a connection anyway!", references to Ron Jeremy's haircut, up to loving Monty Python because Arthur Putey hits so close to home, etc.

The references to bodily fluids don't really fit with the rest of the profile mainly because of the cruder tone. Instead of "ordering meat because I have a cat", something like "why order Korean takeout when I can turn Mr. Whiskers into a tasty Goyangi-tan myself?" and so on.

Your wit is masterful, please don't ever change that.

[Nerdator]

I thought the scar part was fine, and the "message me if" section was fun, but yeah, the self-summary is THE first thing they're going to read, so yeah, I think that's the one that needs work.

A couple of other things - based on the other questions, it sounds like you're interested in non-monogamy, so I would put a relationship type in there (if you prefer monogamy, but wouldn't mind open/poly, then "mostly monogamous", or if the other, "mostly nonmonogamous".

While looking through the rest of your questions,  a few really stood out as a red flag.  One was: Do you believe you have the right to forbid your significant other anything?  and your answer is "yes".  Uh...what?  Especially since long-term, serious relationships is not your current deal, what would you imagine forbidding your partner to do?  Asking them not to do something is fine, but most people aren't going to respond well to being forbidden from doing something.

The other was this: When playing games with friends, which is more important to you?
Nerdator: I don't have any friends.  Especially since you are looking for friend-type people, this, while it may be true, might not be something you want to announce.  When I see that, I think, oh, this person doesn't want friends, but wants casual sex partners.  And it's probably going to turn off potential casual sex-partners as well.  They won't know whether you're just bad at making friends, move a lot, or just don't like people.  

Holy shit! That's right, there are actually questions that I answered for my profile! And the only thing that I remember about them is that I answered them all on that lazy evening two years ago when I didn't want to do anything productive. But, this is not the first 'what the hell was I thinking' moment I've had, so there might be errors, and with 1276 questions answered – I'm inclined to wipe them all (although I wonder if it's worth it, because I doubt I'd give very different answers – to the bits you've pointed out I certainly would. With friends I probably wouldn't even have to lie or hide my answer now).

Regarding the non/mostly/monogamous bit, the latter is kind of strongly implied where I live, and putting 'non-monogamous' would not be true (I actually don't have any special urges for non-monogamy), while deliberately putting 'monogamous' might leave too much of an impression that I'm looking for things like marriage, cohabitation or starting a family (an impression I really want to avoid), so I'm leaving this blank – for the same reason that I've left the field 'Ethnicity' blank, because all the choices are too Amero-centric: okay, so I am 'white' by those standards, but so are like 99.9% of my compatriots, so it isn't really saying much!

Nerdator, the arse scar part didn't bother me, but the whole "about me" section came across as extremely down on yourself, and set the tone for the rest of your profile coming across as self-deprecating instead of sarcastic.  I was kinda grossed out by all the references to body secretions.  There were two for vomit, one for boogers, one for pooping, plus the anal sex with your amputee first grade teacher and eating your cat.  Some people are into that style of humor, but it's mostly guys, and mostly ones with particularly juvenile tastes.  You're basically doing everything you can to drive women away and make yourself a "no girls allowed" club.

Okay, I think you've officially spent reviewing my profile that I spent writing it: the stats really nail it, and now I almost regret not throwing in a few past smegma-related experiences just to make your case even more convincing! While I am very much a 'no girls allowed' club actually, I am serious: I did these kinds of references essentially for a 'fuck you' effect, and they are kind of weak – oh-oh, saying 'vomit' to express disgust, how clever! Although I'm still a bit fond of cornholing Miss Stubbs (I'm really, really sorry), and I don't know of a better thing to put in the dirty secret section than my formerly enjoying my own dry mucus, I'll definitely change the other ones.

And you mentioned the 'about me' section: did you mean 'my self-summary' or 'the first thing people notice about me'?

Your summary is self-demonstrating in its dullness. Try to show more passion for self-hatred like in the rest of the profile, because it had me clapping and I'm not even American.

"I am the AT&T of people, but let's make a connection anyway!", references to Ron Jeremy's haircut, up to loving Monty Python because Arthur Putey hits so close to home, etc.

The references to bodily fluids don't really fit with the rest of the profile mainly because of the cruder tone. Instead of "ordering meat because I have a cat", something like "why order Korean takeout when I can turn Mr. Whiskers into a tasty Goyangi-tan myself?" and so on.

Your wit is masterful, please don't ever change that.

Well, although I could have made the kind of cultural references you suggest, and would have loved to (and I am taking your advice on spicing things up), I still a bit limited by the local market, as relying too much on such references might lead to people reading my profile even less. But sure, I could have said that I'm 'stuck somewhere between a chartered accountant and a lion tamer, while deathly afraid of anteaters.', or something.

[Perlandra]

It took less than 2 minutes, and I only took a closer look because you specifically asked for more detail.  I didn't mean to come across as a forensic accountant or anything.  To clarify, both your "self-summary" and "what I spend a lot of time thinking about/around" sections are rather off-putting.  You come across like you want to only hang out with guys who have a junior-high style sense of toilet humour.  A few women are into the Beavis and Butthead/Southpark/Jackass thing, but it's fairly unusual.  Even if you're telling the truth about your teacher, why on earth would you put that in your dating profile?  Just masturbate furiously to it in private, contact her directly, or put an ad in on a more suitable site to try to reenact it or whatever.  I don't have the impression that OK Cupid caters to people being quite so graphic.

[Nerdator]

It took less than 2 minutes, and I only took a closer look because you specifically asked for more detail.  I didn't mean to come across as a forensic accountant or anything.  To clarify, both your "self-summary" and "what I spend a lot of time thinking about/around" sections are rather off-putting.  You come across like you want to only hang out with guys who have a junior-high style sense of toilet humour.  A few women are into the Beavis and Butthead/Southpark/Jackass thing, but it's fairly unusual.  Even if you're telling the truth about your teacher, why on earth would you put that in your dating profile?  Just masturbate furiously to it in private, contact her directly, or put an ad in on a more suitable site to try to reenact it or whatever.  I don't have the impression that OK Cupid caters to people being quite so graphic.

No, don't take this as criticism: with numbers, your point is really convincing, and your feedback is more valuable.

I have a couple of comments about this last message: one, you do realise that the teacher is severely fictional (golly, now I have half a mind to delete this bit), don't you? I thought it was exaggerated enough to be clear. Two, I think you're projecting your own (and possible your social circle's or cultural) sensitivity towards 'toilet humour', implying that in any amount it is a sign that such humour is 'juvenile' (in quotes, because all humour is juvenile to a degree): this is just wrong and judgmental. It pervades most comedy, including the stuff that tries to be intellectual and do something new, and it's a great tool when used right.

But I am not disagreeing with you in that an OKC profile is not the best place to shock people outright, and some of the excremental references I made there are just cack (sorry). I'm definitely changing them for something completely different.

[Perlandra]

Sometimes my sarcasm detector malfunctions, I thought you were being snarky at me about the numbers.  I assumed from the start that the teacher thing was you kidding around, but when you repeated it, I basically rolled my eyes and went "well, even if I'm wrong and you *are* serious, OK Cupid dating profile isn't the place for it IMO."

Toilet humor can be funny in the right circumstances, but I don't care for it when it's strictly for shock value/gross-out fodder, and again, I don't think it belongs on a vanilla dating site profile.  You could be right that it's my age or social circle, or just a case of "my shit don't stink."  As a peace offering, and an attempt to share the sort of that kind of thing I have found amusing, here are a couple of tales, mostly from my Ren Faire days.

One time, some of my guildies put the liquid from non-toxic glow sticks into really sweet alcohol.  Apparently it still tasted awful, but they were able to convince a lot of people to try it anyway.  A couple hours later, from the privies and behind trees, came the cries, "Oh shit, it's glowing!"

One guy got the nickname of "Woof," because he overindulged while sitting right in front of the firepit.  He went "Woof" right into the flames.  The fire went "WOOOOOOOOOF" and singed off his eyebrows.

A different guy passed out on the toilet after drinking too much (during a prep meeting, not at Faire).  The hinges were on the inside of the door, so we wound up unscrewing the doorknob.  When he came too, he groaned, "No mas tequila!  No mas tequila!" and "The worm has turned!"

My freshman year of college, I was tutoring a *very* formal Japanese foreign exchange student in Calculus.  It was just before time to head to lunch, and someone had left a couple of pirate coin chocolates on the table.  I got hungrier and hungrier, and finally couldn't resist peeling one open.  It wasn't chocolate.  I was a bit sheltered. I knew what condoms were/looked like, but didn't know they came in disguise!  I blushed so hard I'm surprised that I didn't set off the fire alarm.  The poor guy I was tutoring practically sprained his face trying not to laugh at me!

I later told one of my Ren Faire friends, and he used a fancy silk-lined, carved wooden chest to present a tribute to the Queen of the Faire.  It was filled with both Trojans and Pirate chocolates, along with a fake pearl necklace and some candy jewels from ring pops.  She had so much trouble keeping a straight face in front of the court!

[CP96]

Ughhh. Sorry, just need to vent. OKC has less than 60 people total that fit my search parameters (which are pretty broad) and POF has such poor-quality profiles that it was just mentally draining to trawl through them. I think trying to date online is causing more frustration than is worth dealing with right now. I definitely need a break.

[jcorozza]

I feel that way a lot - just searching through the same people over and over (though I get more matches because I'm withing 50 miles of both NYC and Philly - but none of those people are really options). I hit a point where I was flipping through and thought, man, I don't want to date any of you, but I really like your dog - can I have him instead?

[Nerdator]

So, I've spent some time updating my profile, perking it up and and diligently obliterating turds and upchucks. I have completely rewritten 'My self-summary' and 'I spend a lot of time thinking about', plus a few titbits in 'I'm really good at' and 'On a typical Friday...', so feel free to take another look:

http://www.okcupid.com/profile/Nerdator

For perspective, here's the old 'My self-summary':

Bland, apathetic, monotonous, dull, uninspired, insipid, lukewarm and sullen – and (moderately) enjoying every single second of it!

And 'I spend a lot of time thinking about':

I actually prefer saying 'thinking around'. It better catches that feeling in your head. That feeling:

You know, those nights when there's nothing good on the telly, and video games make you vomit, and you're nowhere near being sleepy: you lie on the couch and let your thoughts wander from 'where the hell'd I put that Rubik's cube?' to 'why should I buy meat, when I have a perfectly good cat?' to 'how would it feel to have anal sex with that octogenarian amputee teacher I had in the first grade?'. That's thinking around, my friend.

I spend a lot of time thinking around.

As a peace offering, and an attempt to share the sort of that kind of thing I have found amusing, here are a couple of tales, mostly from my Ren Faire days.

Okay, toilet humour cred restored. Here's your badge and your service plunger.

Ughhh. Sorry, just need to vent. OKC has less than 60 people total that fit my search parameters (which are pretty broad) and POF has such poor-quality profiles that it was just mentally draining to trawl through them. I think trying to date online is causing more frustration than is worth dealing with right now. I definitely need a break.

This is so familiar and the main reason I'm not seriously considering this for romantic stuff any more. I have to deal with a very small and slow-moving local pool of profiles here (despite living in a major city), and their quality is largely pretty terrible (ironically, writing my own has been far more fun than looking at other people's recently).

[Perlandra]

Thank you! *curtseys* *accepts plaudits and flowers and badge*  Hmm the "Self-Summary" and "Thinking About" sections are *much* better now!  Your sarcastic wit really shines in them.  I think you should take another look at the "Typical Friday Night" section, though.

On the profiles thing, I've been pretty lucky on that front on the OLD sites I use. Either that, or perhaps I haven't been back to online dating long enough to be jaded yet. I've met a couple of cool people so far, but no major sparks yet.

[nolorn]

Well after a lot of consternation I dedcided I would try my hand at this 'online dating' thing
I really don't know what to expect... but here is my profile

http://www.okcupid.com/profile/tavjas

[Dannyboy]

I have quick question for anyone more experienced with OLD.

A while back a girl visited my profile on OkCupid and liked me, so I sent here a message, and we've been messaging back and forth for a little while since. The thing is, her responses are always incredibly short and non-specfic ( except for the fact that she just moved here from Virginia), for instance when I asked what music she liked she just said she liked and little Rock and Folk, not mentioning any specific band. Should I take these short messages as a sign that she's uninterested?

[Sponsored content]