Re: The Same OLD Stories: Dating Profile/Message Advice

by ReploidArmada Tue Apr 18, 2017 1:16 am

Wow, I didn't think those parts were that bad D: I went ahead and took those parts clean out of the profile, but what should I put in their places?

by **Werel** Tue Apr 18, 2017 1:26 am

Talking about what you enjoy is usually a plus, since it gives people something to connect with. Are there any other interests, favorite topics, activities, etc. that you'd want to have a conversation with a stranger about?

Some more detail on the kind of people you're hoping to meet (not... in a racial sense, ideally, and maybe more specific than liking cats and cuddling) would help too. Someone who prefers small groups to big parties is a good start. The goal here is to give people an idea of if you'd be a good match for each other, so maybe incorporate: what kind of things would you want to do as dates? What kind of interaction styles appeal to you? It's okay if you don't know exactly (though maybe you should, since you say you spend a lot of time thinking about it Razz

), but it's worth giving some thought and reflecting that thought in your profile.

by ReploidArmada Tue Apr 18, 2017 1:40 am

I'm not honestly sure there are any other main topics or interests in my life Sad

I feel like I brought this up either here or in therapy, probably both, but my life seems kinda... bland to me. There's so much stuff that I either can't do, won't do, or haven't done. I don't smoke, do drugs, drink, drive, go to clubs, go outdoors, etc, etc, etc...

As for the rest of that, I don't know much about those things, either. I don't know what kinds of dates I would prefer, since I haven't had any experience going on dates in the first place! Just about the only things I do know along those lines are that I don't want to go to a movie theater, and that I'm definitely looking for a longer-term relationship, not a ONS.

by **Enail** Tue Apr 18, 2017 11:21 am

Well, what would a life that you consider not-bland look like? Are there activities you might enjoy doing that you're not currently, or is your image of not-bland mostly a list of things you don't want to do?

by ReploidArmada Tue Apr 18, 2017 1:36 pm

To be honest, I'm not sure. I feel like there are things I would like to do that I'm simply not able to do right now, but I don't know what they are as of yet. Meanwhile, like you said, my image of "not-bland" does mostly consist of things I don't want to do with myself.

by **Enail** Tue Apr 18, 2017 5:20 pm

That seems like something to put some thought into, both for your life in general and for how to bring some more interests and enthusiasm into your dating world. Things that you think "that would be fun to do with someone" or topics that you'd love talk about with people you find interesting. Or even, presumably you don't want to date someone bland, and while it's possible you might enjoy dating someone who did lots of things you don't want to do yourself, I'm guessing you'd probably like to date someone whose life included at least some kinds of things that you wouldn't see as so incompatible with what you'd like to do with yourself, so what does not-bland look like in a date?

by ReploidArmada Thu Apr 20, 2017 1:29 am

Well, I thought a little bit about things I'd like to be doing with someone, presumably someone I was dating or interested in. I came up with the following: Hiking, dancing, cuddling, playing games, cooking, gardening, and playing with pets. Maybe that short list will be a good place to start?

by **Enail** Thu Apr 20, 2017 1:03 pm

Those sounds like great ideas, and many of them are things you could start putting into your life with or without a partner, as well as a few that might make good ideas for first dates that you could mention as a "contact me if you'd enjoy doing X."

by ReploidArmada Sun Apr 23, 2017 11:14 pm

I revised my profile a bit, and added another picture. Would someone here mind taking another look at it? Thanks in advance! Smile

by **Werel** Mon Apr 24, 2017 12:57 pm

The revisions are good, especially mentions of activities that a potential date might want to do with you. And it always helps to have multiple photos, but you could get some better ones-- the new one looks sort of startled. Could you get any of you smiling, maybe in natural light? Have someone take a few photos of you at the next board game meetup?

by ReploidArmada Wed Apr 26, 2017 3:01 am

I forgot to have some pictures taken of me while it was still light out, but I had a few taken. There's one I liked a lot, but I couldn't upload it to the OKCupid app because it was giving some sort of error message Sad

by bitboy1993 Wed May 03, 2017 2:24 am

I've started up Tinder again and currently working on profile.
These are the pics I currently have any advice would be helpful.
I've not decided on a main profile pic
The Same OLD Stories: Dating Profile/Message Advice - Page 33 12072610

by bitboy1993 Thu May 18, 2017 7:23 pm

Hi guys I've decided to give pof a go but I need some help working on my profile. If you get chance would you mind giving it a read.
(I'm still trying to think of a headline lol)
http://www.pof.com/viewprofile.aspx?profile_id=66605259

by WJMorris3 Wed Jul 05, 2017 12:07 am

OK, so maybe it wasn't the wisest thing for me to do to quote a Coldplay song in an opening message. But gosh darn it, nothing else I've tried in five years plus has worked, so you never know.

by Mara_ Wed Jul 05, 2017 11:51 pm

bitboy1993 wrote:Hi guys I've decided to give pof a go but I need some help working on my profile. If you get chance would you mind giving it a read.
(I'm still trying to think of a headline lol)
http://www.pof.com/viewprofile.aspx?profile_id=66605259

I liked it! You seem busy, fun and not bitter, which are like my three favorite things and not that easy to find together.

It's not long enough to go into "just how much time does this dude think I have" yet not short enough to be half-assed. I think it does a good job of leaving you wanting to know more. I like it.

The group photo does nothing for it though. Maybe change it for one of you doing kung fu.

by Yoshiland Thu Jul 06, 2017 12:20 am

bitboy1993 wrote:I've started up Tinder again and currently working on profile.
These are the pics I currently have any advice would be helpful.
I've not decided on a main profile pic

You're a handsome fella. Pictures with animals are great, women love that. I would get ride of the last one with your in the black and green jacket, not your best angle.

by Mara_ Thu Jul 06, 2017 12:24 am

True, there's a huge hotness level difference between dog+black shirt and dog + green shirt

by AMischievousGrin Thu Jul 20, 2017 1:52 am

I wanted to echo the last two posters.

You definitely made the right choice with the black shirt + dog photo for your main (as long as it's your dog). Your smile in the third pic is warm and genuine (and you may want to show it off in more of your photos ; ) but personally I find the facial overlays distracting.

The green jacket may even make you look a little more sharply dressed, but the overall composition of the black shirt (lighting / angle etc) was just outright better.

I did notice your header reads, "Not flawless,But My Dog Thinks I'm Awesome"

If you can, I'd put a space after the comma and lose most of the caps: "Not flawless, but my dog thinks I'm Awesome!". Nit-picky, but I've read that people associate correct punctuation / grammar with intelligence, so...

by AMischievousGrin Thu Jul 27, 2017 9:16 pm

Hey all.

I've got an OKC profile I've been working on that lives at (https://www.okcupid.com/profile/AMischievousGrin), and I'm hoping to gather some feedback.

In person, I'm usually pretty funny, but when writing it I had a hard time finding places to express my sense of humor in it. Also, the whole page could just be a bit too wordy.

Thanks in advance!

by Prajnaparamita Thu Jul 27, 2017 10:04 pm

Ooookay, sooooo, I'm going to have to start this off with the disclaimer for the sake of recognizing my bias that, well, ummm, Mischievous Grin, if I wasn't already taken and you weren't like, a decade my senior, you would literally be the platonic ideal of my dream man. (Intelligent, witty fellow geek interested in travel and adventures with a focus on East Asia, and oh did I mention the gorgeous flowing blond hair? OH HELL FUCKING YES)

First off, and I assume you already know this, but just in case one of the things that I've heard from guys with a similar type to you (yes, I have a type. Its tall thin men with long hair who work in computer science and are a bit too smart for their own good) is that a lot of women really won't be interested in them, but the women who are interested are very very interested. Its sort of that old chestnut about nobody being able to be everybody's cup of tea, but you can be some people's shot of whisky, and really that's far better to aspire to anyway. I can't say for sure that it'll be the same for you, but I think it might be something to keep in mind when finding dates takes just a little longer for you. There are women (like me!) who are gonna find you to be the hottest shit since the surface of the sun, but it might take some time to find them.

My main concern isn't really that your sense of humor comes across in your profile, I think that its nearly impossible to show that anyway. But in its place you show that you have a way with words, and that makes me feel like in reading it that I could trust you being interesting to talk to. However, my main concern is this--you seem like a very... competitive person. Which, like, isn't inherently a bad thing, but it can bring up some negative connotations when you don't know the person. Like for example, if I was to go on a date with you, would that competition spill over into trying to prove or outdo my geek cred and prove that I'm just another "Fake Nerd Girl"? You mentioned advising friends on retirement, which I dunno, is kind of an odd thing to talk about on a dating profile, are you gonna nosy into my financials and tell me I'm doing it wrong? I guess all that is to say that coming off as really competitive can be a bit of a turn off or a mild red flag, because it raises the concern of "is he a good sport about this, or is his idea of competition basically beating me and my opinion down into the dust?" If you'd like some more specific suggestions about how to soften things up a bit, I can provide that if it would be useful.

by **Enail** Thu Jul 27, 2017 10:12 pm

I think the profile's good overall, it is pretty wordy, but you use details to give a strong and appealing impression, so I don't find it drags too much.

I am confused by your taste in non-fiction being "less Harlequin Romance, more Predictably Irrational," since Harlequin Romances are fiction, and it sounds sort of like it might be intended to be some kind of vague dig at romance novels, which is likely to be off-putting to people who like romance novels and more generally might give women the impression you're the sort of guy who tends to look down on female-dominated interests.

by AMischievousGrin Thu Jul 27, 2017 11:24 pm

Thanks for the feedback!

Prajnaparamita - I'm flattered. And I would in fact be interested in ways to soften it. I guess I am rather competitive sometimes, but it's always in a joking fashion. Any guy who looks at a girl who shares his interests and decides to test her to prove something, that's a guy who is going to end up alone (and deservedly so). So I'd definitely be interested in your suggestions. In specific regards to the retirement, I don't want to be the guy who brags about my salary (it's not bad, but not - to me - the best facet I have to offer), but I still want to convey that I'm an adult who more or less has my life together, and I honestly do give advice, both in a facebook group where we share questions and tips, and with people at my work.

Enail - Fair point. I wanted to spice up that section rather than just give that one book, and someone I know suggested using it as an opportunity to be a little playful, but it sounds like it fell flat, and the fact that it's not non-fiction just makes it stand out more.

by Prajnaparamita Thu Jul 27, 2017 11:57 pm

AMischievousGrin wrote:

Prajnaparamita - I'm flattered. And I would in fact be interested in ways to soften it. I guess I am rather competitive sometimes, but it's always in a joking fashion. Any guy who looks at a girl who shares his interests and decides to test her to prove something, that's a guy who is going to end up alone (and deservedly so). So I'd definitely be interested in your suggestions. In specific regards to the retirement, I don't want to be the guy who brags about my salary (it's not bad, but not - to me - the best facet I have to offer), but I still want to convey that I'm an adult who more or less has my life together, and I honestly do give advice, both in a facebook group where we share questions and tips, and with people at my work.

I'm glad you were able to hear my concerns in a constructive way, I was worried it might come off a bit too harsh! There's nothing wrong with being a competitive person, honestly I really enjoy having people around me who are constantly striving to do better and be better, because well it motivates me to be a better person too. Its just that its key to make sure that you're showing that you're the good type of competitive, not the bad! (as you so wonderfully articulated--those dudes ain't the ones getting a second date).

First off, I dunno that you need the stuff about retirement saving to show that you've got your life together--I think what you said about your job alone (showing that you have long-term, stable employment doing interesting and fulfilling work) is enough. But I dunno, any actual adults wanna chime in? Its just like... bragging about doing all your tax returns for yourself on your Tinder profile. Impressive, yes, but not a reason I'd be interested in going on a first date with you.

Another thing that I think might make a difference in softening things is changing "I'm also very perceptive" to something like "friends tell me that I'm very perceptive". I know that dating profiles are this weird kind of humble brag, where you have to shout about how you're totally awesome and desirable, but also not like be arrogant about it, but something about that phrasing just rubbed me a bit the wrong way. Having some dude tell me he's super perceptive and he always knows what's on my mind makes me think that I'm going to get invalidated or gaslighted, having him tell me exactly what he thinks I should be thinking. Anyway, having it seem like its coming from other people makes it read less like "I know you better than you know yourself so shut up and listen to what I have to say" and more like "I'm a genuinely empathetic person appreciated by those around him".

Also, can I say thank you Mischievous Grin, for giving me hope for my future? Because damn, if in my 30s there's gonna be smart, charming, geeky men with good jobs and a cushy salary and oh did I mention those flowing golden locks in my dating pool, fuck it, maybe getting old isn't going to be so bad after all Grin

by Mara_ Fri Jul 28, 2017 12:42 am

I noped out of there when I saw you look for women up to seven years younger than you but no more than two years older. That is an instant dealbreaker for me and it has me reaching for the close tab button faster than I can judge anything else in the profile. Mostly cause it sounds a bit patriarchal and piggish, but also cause a 32-year-old who thinks he has more in common with a 25-year-old than a 35-year-old has to have some Peter Pan thing going on.
I never understood why guys don't lie about this shit.

by AMischievousGrin Fri Jul 28, 2017 1:05 am

Prajnaparamita - That's really sweet of you! I'll think more about the retirement bit. The "My friends say" is great advice! Definitely going to use that.

Mara_ - Man, you're not wrong. First, I want to say that age isn't that important to me. I've dated a woman in her 40s and had a great time. But you probably picked the part of my profile I feel the most guilty about. My reasoning is weird, but here goes. 25 isn't someone I'd have more in common with. It's more the minimum age that I and people I knew had basically figured ourselves out by, and stopped causing so many troubles for our friend group just because we hadn't quite defined our place in the world yet. As for 34, it really comes down to children. Women 35+ are at greater risk of giving birth to children with birth defects, and I'm looking for someone to settle down and (eventually) have a family with, and I have some worries that >34 would put a pressure on that that's counter-productive. That's it. I get that that's weird. But that's where I'm coming from. Lying occurred to me. But I tried really hard to only arrange the truth by how I presented myself, not actually mis-represent facts. From your perspective, though, it'd be better to lie on the range?

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