Explicit sexual issue: difficulty orgasming

[CP96]

I'm not sure if this was the right sub-forum or if Health was the better fit. I put it here because it's not a physiological issue as such. Apologies if this is in the wrong area.

WARNING: Discussing sexual issues in an explicit way.

Anyway, a little background. I'm 28 and until recently had zero romantic or sexual experience. Recently I've started seeing a woman and we've been out together a few times. She's smart, funny, sweet and very beautiful. I've also been over to her place a few times and we've had sex. I'm very attracted to her and she turns me on but I simply find myself with the opposite problem to what most guys seem to have in that I can't seem to reach orgasm with her. The things she does definitely feel good but I don't come anywhere close to completion. I just put the first time down to nerves but I've been much more relaxed with her the subsequent times and I'm still not really getting anywhere.

I suppose I'm just asking if anyone else has dealt with a similar issue, and if there were any mental tricks or anything that helped?

Also I should point out that this isn't simply a case of me being like "I didn't come so sex=fail." Like I said, I still enjoy the things she did and I enjoy giving pleasure to her as well. The overall experience is still very nice but it would just be good to be able to go a bit further.

Anyway, thanks in advance.

[Prajnaparamita]

Umm, just getting the preliminaries out of the way--sorry if any of these are obvious but I just want to make sure I have the whole picture.

Are you able to get yourself off on your own? And did you ever fall prey to the dreaded grip of death?

[Gman]

Well, if this is a reoccuring thing, that is happening multiple times, then I suggest you do the logical thing and go see a doctor. No need delaying or going around the bush on this - sexual health is important just like any other health aspect and the sooner you get it sorted out with a professional doctor, the better.

[reboot]

That is not actually too uncommon if you go from masturbation to partnered sex. Right now you are used to getting you off (probably) using a hand. The vaginal canal, mouth or anus do not grip or feel like hands, so all the erotic sensations are different and it can take some time to learn to get off with a partner and what makes you tick. And remember, despite all the stereotypes, men do not always get off from PiV sex. On average it is easier for men to get off in PiV than women, but the tricky thing with averages is that they mask the distribution, so there is some percentage of men out there that do not easily or often get off in PiV and you might be on that part of the curve. Absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Dr. Nerdlove has a good article or two on this topic, so maybe check his archives.

Most important thing, though, is not to stress about not having an orgasm. Because very, very few things scare away an orgasm faster than worrying about having one. Try to focus on what feels good to you in the moment. Ask your partner what feels good to her. Try switching between PiV, oral and manual and see what you like and give yourself some time to figure out what rings your bell.

Now if your partner is insecure about not being able to make you orgasm and that is contributing to your worries about not orgasming, you are going to have to also give her feedback when things are feeling good and make it clear that orgasm or no, you are enjoying sex. The only thing that chases an orgasm away faster than worrying about having an orgasm is worrying about having an orgasm and worrying that your partner is worrying that you are not having an orgasm.

[The Wisp]

One other obvious place to look is are you taking any medications? Particularly SSRI antidepressants? Many meds have side effects that make orgasm difficult.

[CP96]

That is not actually too uncommon if you go from masturbation to partnered sex. Right now you are used to getting you off (probably) using a hand. The vaginal canal, mouth or anus do not grip or feel like hands, so all the erotic sensations are different and it can take some time to learn to get off with a partner and what makes you tick. And remember, despite all the stereotypes, men do not always get off from PiV sex. On average it is easier for men to get off in PiV than women, but the tricky thing with averages is that they mask the distribution, so there is some percentage of men out there that do not easily or often get off in PiV and you might be on that part of the curve. Absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Dr. Nerdlove has a good article or two on this topic, so maybe check his archives.

Most important thing, though, is not to stress about not having an orgasm. Because very, very few things scare away an orgasm faster than worrying about having one. Try to focus on what feels good to you in the moment. Ask your partner what feels good to her. Try switching between PiV, oral and manual and see what you like and give yourself some time to figure out what rings your bell.

Now if your partner is insecure about not being able to make you orgasm and that is contributing to your worries about not orgasming, you are going to have to also give her feedback when things are feeling good and make it clear that orgasm or no, you are enjoying sex. The only thing that chases an orgasm away faster than worrying about having an orgasm is worrying about having an orgasm and worrying that your partner is worrying that you are not having an orgasm.

Thanks for that. That's really good advice.

To address the other points brought up; no I'm not currently on any medication nor do I have health issues that I'm aware of. I'm pretty sure this isn't physiological. Yeah I can get myself off without any difficulty so this is most likely just down to having to get used to a different situation and different sensations.

In any case, it's all a learning experience. I'll do my best to stay relaxed and be open to communication if it continues to be an issue.

[PintsizeBro]

Are you using condoms? If so, was your first time with this lovely woman the first time you'd worn one? They take some getting used to, and the first kind you try won't necessarily be the best fit for you.