Re: So Non-Monogamy Is the Expectation Now? [Rant/Disc]

[the littlest viking]

I need someone who actually holds monogamy as a rock solid core value, which would mean (to me) not even being open to trying an open relationship, and that just seems to be pretty rare here. It's weird because I've found, and this may not be universally true, but it is where I'm from, that liberal leaning people in solidly red states tend to lean all the way into being liberal in some ways, but not in others, and polyamory and non-monogamy seem to be the two big ones around here. I guess since the population of liberal people in this area is so small they will all wind up dating each other eventually so it's a time saving contrivance.. but I still find it frustrating.

[Caffeinated]

I need someone who actually holds monogamy as a rock solid core value, which would mean (to me) not even being open to trying an open relationship, and that just seems to be pretty rare here. It's weird because I've found, and this may not be universally true, but it is where I'm from, that liberal leaning people in solidly red states tend to lean all the way into being liberal in some ways, but not in others, and polyamory and non-monogamy seem to be the two big ones around here. I guess since the population of liberal people in this area is so small they will all wind up dating each other eventually so it's a time saving contrivance.. but I still find it frustrating.

Ah, hmm, that would make it trickier. It is indeed a hallmark of liberal types that they hold a position of being open to trying stuff, and hold that value of openness to trying stuff as a virtue.

I think on the other hand that having a strong preference like this can be a very useful sorting mechanism. If you're in a position to maybe date someone, you can put that out there right away, that you hold monogamy as a core value and want to find someone who feels the same. It may be limiting numerically, but it could also lead to finding one special person who that really resonates with, who responds with something like "oh thank goodness, I'm looking for that too but it seems like no one else in this town is".

[the littlest viking]

Yeah, I mean I get that. I like trying new things sometimes too but socially I'm pretty traditional in my outlook while being pretty liberal in myYou politics... and that makes it difficult to find a real niche so to speak. I hang out mostly with the "hipster" group the most I guess since most people think I am one anyway... and I like people who do box planters and consider canning a viable passtime.

[jcorozza]

Yeah, I mean I get that. I like trying new things sometimes too but socially I'm pretty traditional in my outlook while being pretty liberal in myYou politics... and that makes it difficult to find a real niche so to speak. I hang out mostly with the "hipster" group the most I guess since most people think I am one anyway... and I like people who do box planters and consider canning a viable passtime.

Oh man, I feel this. I'm pretty liberal and open minded about what other people do, assuming that no one is getting hurt, but I'm pretty traditional it what I want out of my own relationship. So I find that a lot of people I would match up with for relationships styles don't have the same political/ethical/moral values, and vice versa.

[The Wisp]

Yeah, I mean I get that. I like trying new things sometimes too but socially I'm pretty traditional in my outlook while being pretty liberal in myYou politics... and that makes it difficult to find a real niche so to speak. I hang out mostly with the "hipster" group the most I guess since most people think I am one anyway... and I like people who do box planters and consider canning a viable passtime.

Oh man, I feel this.  I'm pretty liberal and open minded about what other people do, assuming that no one is getting hurt, but I'm pretty traditional it what I want out of my own relationship.  So I find that a lot of people I would match up with for relationships styles don't have the same political/ethical/moral values, and vice versa.  

I feel the same way, too, but in the other direction. I feel like socially I would relate best to radical lefty activist types in terms of my ideals in romantic relationships and what I want in a social group and my general social values, but, while I'm not a Conservative, I'm also very empahtically not a radical either politically (I guess you could say I'm conservative but not Conservative).

[choys]

Even in liberal spaces, though, I do think monogamy is still the norm. Granted it's been a few years, and I was single through the entire time, but I spent 10 years as a community and then union organizer in LA, which put me in contact with a lot of liberals and liberal spaces, and the majority of relationships I saw were decidedly monogamous.

Maybe it was because I was working with mostly minority and/or immigrant communities that do still hold to a lot of traditional norms around gender roles, but even the white allies I knew were pretty much on the monogamous side of things. I mean, yes, there were some folks I knew who were in open relationships, and some who stated they were poly, but the majority of people I knew who were in committed relationships, were monogamously committed to that relationship.

I may be going on a tangent, but I just thought of this. I observed that a lot of immigrant men who had girlfriends/wives back in their home country, would also have a girlfriend in the US. But, I don't think it was necessarily because they were, "Woo! I'm away from the girlfriend/wife, I can do what I want!", or some thought-out pro-poly/open relationship stance type thing. I think it was more that they were forced into years-long separation with little to no chance to reunite with their families if they wanted to stay working in the US due to their immigration status, and these men were seeking out ways to still have intimate relationships while they were here. Because these same men would be very committed and "monogamous" to the ladies they had here in the US, even if they were technically cheating on their significant other in their home country, and the majority of the girlfriends all knew what the situation was. It was a complicated situation that was hard to explain to the larger general public and did have a lot of judgement from outsiders attached to it.

[PintsizeBro]

Monogamy is absolutely the norm even in liberal spaces. If you think poly is the norm, your social circle is heavily skewed. This question, especially when phrased in this way, makes me think of a straight person who hangs out in gay bars all the time and decides, from that experience, that gay people are the majority and straight people are the minority. This is simply not the case. Except for in small, specific social circles, monogamy is the norm.

If monogamy is so important to you that you wouldn't date someone who would even consider an open relationship, I would recommend not framing it as a value, especially if you move in a very hipster, poly-heavy crowd. Frame it as wanting someone who knows their own mind well enough to know that they want the same kind of relationship you do.

[FoxxxieCoxxxie]

Two cents worth in defense of DNL, I think it should be pointed out again that he does acknowledge the possibilities of the letter in question being fake and decided to continue anyways. Another perspective that should be brought up is that his target audience for was in fact the letter writer, who(according to letter again) appears to have been manipulated/coerced into cheating. As a reminder we do not blame the victim, which usually comes with the corollary that one tries to comfort the victim. So yes while what DNL started in this letter is terrible advice for that average person in an ordinary monogamous relationship, for this particular instance I agree with what he's said because it's good for the victim rather than the tangential audience.

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