Re: How to Encourage Initiating Conversation in a Way that Doesn't Make Me Seem Obnoxious

[eselle28]

Oh, I'm sorry that didn't work out. And, yeah, I've been in that situation. I've also been the other person a couple of times. I think the more charitable interpretation of it is that sometimes people who are single remember the good feelings that come from having your needs met and forget that sometimes there are stressed or sacrificing ones from meeting other people's needs. The less charitable interpretation is that some people really are seeking relationships with others who serve their support needs but have none of their own, and that this is the screening process to weed out everyone who doesn't fit that bill. Either way, that sucks, and I'm sorry.

[jcorozza]

In this case, since he mentioned needing a break himself, and took his OKC profile down, I think he genuinely realized that he wasn't going to be able to be a good partner. But if he had apologized for the way things played out, and then gave me the option of staying friends, yeah, I'd be disappointed, but instead, because he got so nasty about it, I feel angry and upset instead. What really gets me, though, is that somehow I end up being the bad guy here anyway.

[reboundstudent]

Sigh.  Well, that didn't last.  We went out a third time over the weekend, and that went well, and we made tentative plans to hang out on Friday.  We continued to chat throughout the week (he talked a lot about how hectic/stressful his job is), and yesterday afternoon I wanted to make sure Friday was still on, and he said, "No, sorry, I'm not going to be up for it.  Maybe next week?"  Which to meet felt like he was blowing me off (I even had someone else read it, and they thought the same).  I got a bit annoyed (mostly that he hadn't actually bothered to come to me first to tell me this), and then he told me it was because he was going to get super gross/dirty at work, etc, and then eventually that "if cancelling plans once was going to cause drama maybe we shouldn't continue".  And I tried to explain that cancelling plans wasn't the problem, it was how he did it, and that I didn't like that I always had to ask about this kind of stuff.  He basically decided that he's not in a good place to be in a relationship what with his job stuff (though, really, what with how he's dealing with his job stuff, I think), that he would keep my contact info, but I should look elsewhere.  And then when I asked what "I'm going to keep you contact info" was supposed to mean (friendship?  false hope?), he said, "You win, I'm an asshole.  Don't contact me again, this is done."  At no point was he apologetic for wasting my time when he's not in a relationship place.  I'm actually really frustrated that he cut contact like that, because I have some things I would still like to say, and I feel like it's his way of keeping control.

So much sigh.  This kind of thing has been happening a bit lately, where the guy thinks he wants a relationship, then, after dating/talking to me for awhile, realizes that a relationship is not a magical thing where I come and serve his support needs but have none of my own.  It's fine to not be in a place for relationships, but it would sure be nice if they didn't use me as their guinea pig to figure this out!  Anyone else experience this before?

Ugh that really sucks. Have a feel good fox gif:



I can forgive some amount of ignorance on his part about the polite way to cancel dates, but the "You win, I'm an asshole" sounds like a very defensive thing and shut-down thing to say. The good news is, you found out early that he's not very open to hearing things that are like criticism; accusations of drama and defensiveness at something relatively minor probably suggests that even if he did want a relationship, it'd take a very specific type of person for him to be a good partner.

You are not the bad guy; it just sounds like you guys have very different communication styles. Still, very junky it worked out that way....

[jcorozza]

Aww, fox!

Thanks, RBS, that's really helpful to hear. I can forgive a lot of things when people apologize, but that last bit...ugh. Also, anytime a guy mentions drama my asshole-dar perks up.

[Wondering]

Also, anytime a guy mentions drama my asshole-dar perks up.

Mine, too. You're not alone in that.

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