Unable To Connect With People

[Guest]

I've complained about this before, but over the past couple of years, I seem to have lost the ability to be nice to most people. I can be civil and polite, but I am incapable of genuine kindness and empathy. Considering how many people I've pissed off on this forum, not surprising. Eliza and Pintsize and Mikey and God-knows-how-many other people can tell you in an instant what a fucking prick I am.

I've found a stasis or an equilibrium with this. The second anyone attempts to connect with me, I offend them just enough that they keep me at arm's length. Not enough to have them dislike me actively, just enough to say "eh, Glides, I tolerate him when he's around."

My latest tactic has been standing people up when I agree to meet them. I don't do this maliciously, I get so anxious about having to talk with them or interact with them that I just never show up, I spend the entire time worrying about what to do. With my fellow film students, I got them all to dislike me by not only refusing to help them with their shoots, but refusing their offers of assistance with my films and doing everything by myself.

With the forum, I constantly post bitchy rants about my problems until people like Eliza and Mikey are calling me the kind of person who would beat women, someone who will never improve or have a fulfilling life of any kind, and they're right about that.

What I've discovered: this is far preferable than actually connecting with me. Once that connection happens, one of two things happen: either I start complaining to them about all my problems until they're sick and tired of me, or I get so guilty for having a connection with them that I deliberately piss them off so they know to stay away.

I can't stop doing this. I'm addicted to keeping myself miserable. I will never allow myself any kind of happiness or success. I don't deserve any of it, then I do the exact things that genuinely make me not deserve it. Misery is comforting and safe and it's what I deserve. I know it from the bottom of my heart that I deserve your hate. As long as Eliza and Mikey and Pintsize and all the rest hate me, all is well with the world, everything is right.

Hell, I've even done this with my own family. We've never really gotten along, but ever since my weird transition into treating everyone badly, they've all basically cut me off. Only an uncle and two cousins still get along with me, and that's only because they hate the rest of the family as much as I do. The rest of the cousins and uncles and aunts can't stand me, judging by how cordially they treat me. My parents very obviously resent me and how I never turned out to be the prodigy they thought they were promised. My grandparents have taken it the worst, I've been ignoring all their invites to see them and I know they're devastated by it. My grandfather is dying and I refuse to speak with him. Not because I don't like them, but I don't want them seeing the failure I've become. I'm deeply ashamed of my existence and I want them to remember me as the kid who still had hopes and dreams instead of the husk you see now. I don't have the heart to admit this to anyone. That's really the reason why I refuse to see my family, and why they all assume I don't want to talk to them: I don't want my secret revealed to them. I have accomplished nothing compared to any of them. I can't even say the shit my cousins have done, because you wouldn't believe it. Just imagine the Royal Tenenbaums as my relatives.

Anyway, this all started because of my roommate, who recently has taken a strange interest in my personal improvement. The old roommate tried to fuck me to get her ex jealous and then moved out when I wouldn't go for it (it had nothing to do with attraction, trust me). New one is practically my closest friend by default since he's strangely immune to my bullshit. I've pulled every tactic under the sun on this guy and he hasn't fled. It's very odd. And granted, I do like the guy a lot and greatly appreciate him, big old bromance.

Since he moved in, he's been trying to help me buy new clothes (as opposed to the typical T-shirt and gym shorts combo I like to wear), saying that women are attracted to nice clothes (I'll take his word for it, this dude is rolling in ass). He's not quite babying me since I ignore most of his advice (though I bought an outfit from American Eagle to shut him up, still haven't worn it).

Ever since he found out I was a virgin, he's made it his personal mission to crack the case I've been trying to figure out my entire life: how to make me attractive to women. It fucking boggles him that women are so bored by me. Never repulsed, I've never been called ugly. Like I've said, I'm a bland person in general. I'm not interesting, I don't look interesting, I don't do or say anything interesting. I lead an unbelievably dull life for the most part. I'm at my most interesting when I'm drunk and/or high, but I'm not cool enough to do that very often. In contrast, my friend is unbelievably interesting, has had an absolutely insane life, and unbelievably good with girls. Literally every girl we know wants to fuck him, and for good reason: he's a really charismatic dude who's completely respectful. I'm not even jealous, because he deserves all of it. I suspect he keeps me around because I'm so dull that it's actually interesting to him. He has a person who's constantly fascinated by his adventures (and whose most interesting experiences were entirely because of him taking me along), and whose life is so mundane and boring that it's interesting to him.

For reference, he's the reason I still have a social life. My entire role socially is as his personal sidekick. He's so humble that he doesn't even realize this, to him we are equals, Bill and Ted and Cheech and Chong, even though in reality it's more like Batman and Robin. I am never referred to in a conversation by myself. It's always "Roomie and Glides, the dynamic duo," since I'm bound to be there when he's around. The only reason why our friends tolerate me is because he's there, and often the only way to get him to go somewhere is to invite me along.

Granted, I am telling him shit I tell to almost no one else. I'm explaining film ideas to him and my personal aspiration and all the personal shit I refuse to talk about with anyone else. So perhaps he's getting unfiltered Glides, who knows. Maybe unfiltered Glides refuses to come out and hides behind that total prick that is my Social Mask.

Anyway, we got into an argument today over girls, him insisting that women have been attracted to me before, me insisting that women have only ever been attracted to me in the context of trying to make other men jealous (this is true). This one girl had an impotent boyfriend and desperately wanted a fuck buddy on the side, this other one wanted to get her boyfriend angry.

The absolute worst example was the last girl I went on a date with (and the only girl I've ever "dated"), which was my former coworker. She was only ever attracted to me because Roomie seriously talked me up to her. Being one of like two people who still have any sort of positive opinion about me (two out of seven billion is beyond pathetic, and Enail and Werel like literally everyone anyway), this meant I was being portrayed like some sort of sex fiend, a hysterically funny guy and an absolute sweetheart. I'll admit, he spun a great yarn about me, I almost liked myself after he told me what he said. So this resulted in this unbelievably hot girl going totally gaga over me, and me being absolutely confused as to why this gorgeous vision of a chick wanted anything to do with anyone as bland and boring as me. It was so strange that people openly commented on this: "Why the fuck would she ever want to go out with you?"

Of course, all it took was a good couple hours alone with her (not like that, on a date) for her to meet the real me that wasn't being buoyed by a good friend. And that's all it took to completely repulse her, I was stuttery and shy and was barely able to say a fucking word during the date. She looked absolutely furious by the end of it. Once she rejected me and realized my friend had exaggerated by accident, it was all over. You ever been on the date with a guy so awkward that he can barely finish a sentence without stuttering? Remember how fucking disgusting that is? That was me, and I could not stop doing it. She refused to talk to me ever again. I was not some overconfident sex god (which he thought I was, observing how cocky I'd get when I'm drunk), I was a shy insecure mess of a man.

Like I said, this dude inexplicably thinks I'm somebody. Even after all the shit I got for my disaster of a first date, after all that, he still defended me and insisted I was attractive to some girl out there, somewhere. It's literally just him and one other person. I wait patiently for the day where they both see me for who I am and treat me the way literally everyone else I know does. Even after my own parents admitted that they regretted having me because of how horrible my life would be, these two still are supportive.

I forgot where I was going with this.

[Enail]

I've complained about this before, but over the past couple of years, I seem to have lost the ability to be nice to most people. I can be civil and polite, but I am incapable of genuine kindness and empathy. Considering how many people I've pissed off on this forum, not surprising. Eliza and Pintsize and Mikey and God-knows-how-many other people can tell you in an instant what a fucking prick I am.

<mod>Hey, Glides, could you stop calling people on this forum out? It puts people in an awkward position where they might feel like they have to jump in and respond even if they don't feel like it, or else be portrayed in ways they may not feel are accurate. Thanks. </mod>

(and no, I don't like everyone, for the record)

Do you think you might be able to find some ways to mitigate some of your anti-connection fear reactions? Like, since you land up standing people up because you're too anxious to meet with them, come up in advance (when you're not so anxious about it) with an all-purpose "sorry I have to cancel last minute" line you can text them so that if you land up in that anxious, don't know what to do state, you already have an option in place that you can use instead of trying to figure out what to do in the moment. Even if you can't overcome that self-sabotage instinct at the moment, making even small moves in that direction can make a difference, and it's something you can build on gradually.

Go see your grandfather, Glides. Seriously, you'll regret it if you don't. He's old and dying, he probably just wants to know that you care about him; it's not about you, it's about him. If he wants to know how you're doing, you can tell him that film school is hard but you're  working at it, that you've got a new roommate that you get on with really well, stuff like that. He doesn't need to hear that you're achieving unbelievable success to be happy to see you, he probably just wants to feel like a part of your life.  

Ever since he found out I was a virgin, he's made it his personal mission to crack the case I've been trying to figure out my entire life: how to make me attractive to women. It fucking boggles him that women are so bored by me. Never repulsed, I've never been called ugly.

Wait, what??  You talk all the time about how women are repulsed by you and think you're hideous. You let your jerkbrain act as your fact-checker too much!

[PintsizeBro]

The other day you posted a thread where you told a story about random women laughing at you and calling you deformed while you were going shopping. Now you say you've never been called ugly. Which is it? Did you see them laughing and, not hearing what they were saying, just assume they were laughing at you and calling you names?

I think you're self-absorbed. Not even in a greedy way. You just think everything is about you, when it's not. You think other people are out to get you, you build them up in your head to be your great enemies, but they're so busy dealing with their own lives and their own problems that they barely even realize you exist.

Did you ever watch Daria? Because this is basically how I see you:

[Caffeinated]

Glides, I don't usually respond to you because I generally don't figure I have anything to say that will be of much use. But on the topic of whether you connect to anyone, I do have one thing to say. Your rants and essays about your life connect with people reading these forums in the way of writer to audience. I do think you're a bit of a jerk, but the stuff you write is interesting enough that I keep coming back to read more. *shrug*

[gaboz]

Glides, I don't usually respond to you because I generally don't figure I have anything to say that will be of much use. But on the topic of whether you connect to anyone, I do have one thing to say. Your rants and essays about your life connect with people reading these forums in the way of writer to audience. I do think you're a bit of a jerk, but the stuff you write is interesting enough that I keep coming back to read more. *shrug*

Glides does write some hard and interesting stuff, trade of a screenwriter i guess. But do please visit your grandfather, just for peace of mind for your grandparents and yourself.

[Guest]

The other day you posted a thread where you told a story about random women laughing at you and calling you deformed while you were going shopping. Now you say you've never been called ugly. Which is it? Did you see them laughing and, not hearing what they were saying, just assume they were laughing at you and calling you names?

I think you're self-absorbed. Not even in a greedy way. You just think everything is about you, when it's not. You think other people are out to get you, you build them up in your head to be your great enemies, but they're so busy dealing with their own lives and their own problems that they barely even realize you exist.

Did you ever watch Daria? Because this is basically how I see you:

Oh god. I think that might be exactly like me, although not nearly as condescending.

Considering how long it's been, I forget what those girls said. I remember them laughing and looking at me as I walked past, that's all. It's not the first time I've been mocked in public, I'm not entirely delusional. Having visible scars all over your body tends to do that.

Glides, I don't usually respond to you because I generally don't figure I have anything to say that will be of much use. But on the topic of whether you connect to anyone, I do have one thing to say. Your rants and essays about your life connect with people reading these forums in the way of writer to audience. I do think you're a bit of a jerk, but the stuff you write is interesting enough that I keep coming back to read more. *shrug*

Glides does write some hard and interesting stuff, trade of a screenwriter i guess. But do please visit your grandfather, just for peace of mind for your grandparents and yourself.

What people?

I did see him briefly yesterday, since I've spent the past week in my hometown generally avoiding everyone. So you can all rest, I'm not neglecting him, as much as I feel obligated to. He's got other grandkids, much more successful than I am (who are my age), so he has no need of a runt/black sheep. No one in my family does, really. Hell, my parents resent me for not being successful in any capacity.

[BobTheNinja]

Glides, I don't know if these suggestions have already been put forward by other members of this board, but I think it would be good for you to participate in more social activites that you would personally enjoy. If you spend more time interacting with people while doing something you like, I think that would help break down your shyness and also improve your overall emotional state.

I also think you should stop putting yourself down for not being successful and comparing yourself to others. All you're doing is pointlessly hurting yourself, with all of the bad thoughts and feelings that entails, and it doesn't take into account that everyone has difficulties and flaws of their own to contend with. There has to be some aspect of your life that you derive happiness or even pride from, and even beyond that, it's always possible to try new things and make improvements in your life. It may not be easy, but it's possible.

I'm stuck in my own rut right now too. I feel like I have no direction in my life right now, and that I'm not realizing my true potential, both in my work life and my social life. I think these are things that I need to improve, and it's hard because it's so easy for me to just stick to my comfort zone. But the truth is that neither of us will accomplish what we really want out of life unless we choose to take action and MAKE that change happen. It's not a guarantee of automatic success, but choosing NOT to act is a guaranteed failure.

I hope this advice helps. And I'm sorry that you're having such a rough spot in your life, I hope it gets better for you.

[Guest]

Glides, I don't know if these suggestions have already been put forward by other members of this board, but I think it would be good for you to participate in more social activites that you would personally enjoy. If you spend more time interacting with people while doing something you like, I think that would help break down your shyness and also improve your overall emotional state.

I also think you should stop putting yourself down for not being successful and comparing yourself to others. All you're doing is pointlessly hurting yourself, with all of the bad thoughts and feelings that entails, and it doesn't take into account that everyone has difficulties and flaws of their own to contend with. There has to be some aspect of your life that you derive happiness or even pride from, and even beyond that, it's always possible to try new things and make improvements in your life. It may not be easy, but it's possible.

I originally wrote a much longer response to this that ended up being really mean (that Daria quote really does apply to me), but in the interest of resisting my urge to sabotage any gesture of kindness because I feel like I don't deserve to be liked in any way, I'm gonna give the much shorter version, which isn't nearly as mean and won't piss you off nearly as much:

1. What social activities?

2. Nope.

That's literally as much as I can write without trying to get you to dislike me and ban me off the forum, sorry.

[BobTheNinja]

Glides, I don't know if these suggestions have already been put forward by other members of this board, but I think it would be good for you to participate in more social activites that you would personally enjoy. If you spend more time interacting with people while doing something you like, I think that would help break down your shyness and also improve your overall emotional state.

I also think you should stop putting yourself down for not being successful and comparing yourself to others. All you're doing is pointlessly hurting yourself, with all of the bad thoughts and feelings that entails, and it doesn't take into account that everyone has difficulties and flaws of their own to contend with. There has to be some aspect of your life that you derive happiness or even pride from, and even beyond that, it's always possible to try new things and make improvements in your life. It may not be easy, but it's possible.

I originally wrote a much longer response to this that ended up being really mean (that Daria quote really does apply to me), but in the interest of resisting my urge to sabotage any gesture of kindness because I feel like I don't deserve to be liked in any way, I'm gonna give the much shorter version, which isn't nearly as mean and won't piss you off nearly as much:

1. What social activities?

2. Nope.

That's literally as much as I can write without trying to get you to dislike me and ban me off the forum, sorry.

There has to be something you like doing in your spare time, or stuff that you think you would enjoy if you gave it a try.

Also, why do you think you don't deserve to be liked?

[Guest]

why do you think you don't deserve to be liked?

Most people don't like me upon meeting people, I get along with very few people.

Therefore, I don't deserve to be liked. If the majority dislikes me, I deserve it.

[Enail]

why do you think you don't deserve to be liked?

Most people don't like me upon meeting people, I get along with very few people.

Therefore, I don't deserve to be liked. If the majority dislikes me, I deserve it.

That doesn't follow. The majority can be very wrong about things. And for something like being liked, there are many things that go into it that have nothing to do with deserving.

[Robjection]

You may be a minority of one, but the truth is the truth.

Gandhi said that. I, meanwhile, have to make do with "seconding Enail".

[Andrew Corvero]

why do you think you don't deserve to be liked?

Most people don't like me upon meeting people, I get along with very few people.

Therefore, I don't deserve to be liked. If the majority dislikes me, I deserve it.

This is illogical. At the risk of invoking Godwin's law, the majority of German people during WWII were ok with exterminating the Jews and other minorities, but I don't think that anyone with a working moral compass could ever argue that those minorities had it coming.

[Guest]

This is illogical. At the risk of invoking Godwin's law, the majority of German people during WWII were ok with exterminating the Jews and other minorities, but I don't think that anyone with a working moral compass could ever argue that those minorities had it coming.

Regardless, most people dislike me upon sight. That's a given, it's always been that way. I am barely human since I have very little experience being one. Genetically and physically, completely human. Mentally and socially, I might as well be a slug.

[Dan_Brodribb]

Glides, personal attacks are a violation of the forum guidelines.

Personal attacks on YOURSELF--referring yourself as barely human, a slug, etc.--as harmful and abusive as attacks directed at others and as a mod, I'm asking you to please tone it down.

Thanks.

[Enail]

Hmm, Glides, how do you square the idea that most people dislike you instantly with what you were saying the other day, that most people don't like or dislike you, they just don't really notice you or find you boring? Those are pretty opposite statements.

[Guest]

Hmm, Glides, how do you square the idea that most people dislike you instantly with what you were saying the other day, that most people don't like or dislike you, they just don't really notice you or find you boring? Those are pretty opposite statements.

Depends on my mood. When I think people ignore me or find me boring, I'm having a "good" day.

[Enail]

So... what you think is true changes depending on your mood. Pretty much everyone ignores you versus pretty much everyone dislikes you. Those two beliefs are in direct opposition, they can't both be correct, right? That means that at least some of the time, you are believing something that is false because of your emotional state. How is that not a cognitive distortion?

[Guest]

So... what you think is true changes depending on your mood. Pretty much everyone ignores you versus pretty much everyone dislikes you. Those two beliefs are in direct opposition, they can't both be correct, right? That means that at least some of the time, you are believing something that is false because of your emotional state. How is that not a cognitive distortion?

I don't even know. I don't know which one is true right now. Probably that everyone ignores me. Which still sucks.

[Andrew Corvero]

So... what you think is true changes depending on your mood. Pretty much everyone ignores you versus pretty much everyone dislikes you. Those two beliefs are in direct opposition, they can't both be correct, right? That means that at least some of the time, you are believing something that is false because of your emotional state. How is that not a cognitive distortion?

I don't even know. I don't know which one is true right now. Probably that everyone ignores me. Which still sucks.

Both beliefs can't be true but they can both be false. I think that the idea that everyone hates you is blatantly false, while they idea that everyone ignores you is also false but is more of huge exaggeration than an impossibility.

The truth is that the vast majority of humanity ignores the vast majority of humanity.Most adults have only two or maybe three "close" friends anyway. The vast majority of friendships are closer to friendly acquaintances.

I'm not saying you shouldn't look for deep, emotional connections. You need them just like everyone else. I'm saying that you shouldn't worry so much about people who do not connect with you at that level, because most people who meet each other won't connect on that level.

Cultivate your friendships, make an effort to be more open, but do not demand the impossible from yourself. A lot of people you'll meet won't connect with you, and that's just natural, because the same is true for everyone else.

You have repeatedly said that you have friends or at least friendly acquaintances. You may struggle to truly connect with them on a deep, intimate emotional level but at least you attempt a connection, you're don't lock yourself in your room and leave only to eat and go to to class/work.

It may take time and effort but I'm confident you can eventually learn to connect more with people.

[Enail]

So... what you think is true changes depending on your mood. Pretty much everyone ignores you versus pretty much everyone dislikes you. Those two beliefs are in direct opposition, they can't both be correct, right? That means that at least some of the time, you are believing something that is false because of your emotional state. How is that not a cognitive distortion?

I don't even know. I don't know which one is true right now. Probably that everyone ignores me. Which still sucks.

Okay, but since you know that they can't both be true, that means that there's some cognitive distortion going on there. You don't have to know for sure what's true, but it's good to keep in mind that when you think one of these things, it's not necessarily hard fact.

Also, what Andrew said.

[Guest]

One more example of just how fucking inept I can be at reading situations: was texting the girl who launched me into my latest depressive episode (AKA the one who claimed she was in love with me and then proceeded to fuck another guy), and accidentally insulted her.

I thought she didn't want to talk and was upset, so I texted her goodnight. She got mad because she wanted to continue talking. I had no idea. God fucking dammit.

I don't know why I still talk to her, she exists to torture me.

It's like walking on tightropes, she'll get upset randomly like this. Makes no fucking sense. People like her completely baffle me, I can't predict what they'll do.

[jcorozza]

It's like walking on tightropes, she'll get upset randomly like this. Makes no fucking sense. People like her completely baffle me, I can't predict what they'll do.

Hello, pot. Meet kettle.

[Guest]

It's like walking on tightropes, she'll get upset randomly like this. Makes no fucking sense. People like her completely baffle me, I can't predict what they'll do.

Hello, pot.  Meet kettle.

Do I baffle you?

[reboot]

It's like walking on tightropes, she'll get upset randomly like this. Makes no fucking sense. People like her completely baffle me, I can't predict what they'll do.

Hello, pot.  Meet kettle.

Do I baffle you?

You are a bit high drama and mercurial

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