The bottom of the barrel

[Guest]

Well, my shrink-search is not as easy as I hoped it would be, and I think one of them was drunk on the job... 











ANYWAY...





Lately I've been getting this powerless feeling, like being in the bottom of the barrel, I am never in a position that I can be proud of. One example would be: when I am socializing with the squad, I am never seen as the leader of the pack, always the dork, and it makes me feel depressed. I feel that I will never impress people (Despite impressing a Major from a very prestigious Public Affairs unit from San Juan), feeing that people always look down at me, never up.



Somehow it stings even more in dating, I secretly wished that I could hypnotize people to love me.

I feel that I will never have any power in any context, socially or romantically and it hurts really BAD.

Is there any way to fight these feelings easily? I am VERY close to shredding this jerkbrain with a rusty chainsaw... figuratively, of course.

[Jayce]

I think the army is an enclosed environment that has its own set of paradigms for social interaction that is different from the norm. I know nothing about the army, but in my interactions in more open environments there is a less clear notion of who is the leader of the pack. In some friendships that kind of stuff do exist but at the same time in lots of friend groups I don't find any leader at all, just a group of people. I guess that in the army some sense of hierarchy exists more because you are actually in a squad. I don't know what advice I can give since I know nothing about the environment you are in, but I feel I can imagine what it might be like to be there (kind of like similar to high school? or a sports team?)

The unfortunate thing is that sometimes you don't always get along with the people you work with. There's only so much people in your squad and if you don't get along too well with all of them then I'd imagine it would be like, kind of like being in a workplace where you don't get along with your co-workers. And the thing is, you're stuck with them for a while.

I guess, I would ask, what do you feel like when you spend social time outside of the army? I can imagine being in the army is a very full on job, but if you have had any spare time outside of it, have you spent some time socialising in other circles? I know friends that don't get along with the people to work with at all, so they suck it up, and find social connections outside of that. I also know some people that don't socialise much in university so they find social connections outside of that.

[Guest]

I think the army is an enclosed environment that has its own set of paradigms for social interaction that is different from the norm. I know nothing about the army, but in my interactions in more open environments there is a less clear notion of who is the leader of the pack. In some friendships that kind of stuff do exist but at the same time in lots of friend groups I don't find any leader at all, just a group of people. I guess that in the army some sense of hierarchy exists more because you are actually in a squad. I don't know what advice I can give since I know nothing about the environment you are in, but I feel I can imagine what it might be like to be there (kind of like similar to high school? or a sports team?)

The unfortunate thing is that sometimes you don't always get along with the people you work with. There's only so much people in your squad and if you don't get along too well with all of them then I'd imagine it would be like, kind of like being in a workplace where you don't get along with your co-workers. And the thing is, you're stuck with them for a while.

I guess, I would ask, what do you feel like when you spend social time outside of the army? I can imagine being in the army is a very full on job, but if you have had any spare time outside of it, have you spent some time socialising in other circles? I know friends that don't get along with the people to work with at all, so they suck it up, and find social connections outside of that. I also know some people that don't socialise much in university so they find social connections outside of that.

Well to be honest, none at all...

I meant socializing during off duty hours, going out (I hate going out, I feel very inadequate, like I don't deserve to have a normal life, I have image issues... I feel hideously unattractive...)

[Tennessee Ed]

Hit up Meetup, and hang in there no matter how awkward it seems. Do it because it's awkward, accept that it will feel terrible and do anyway. Do it only to show yourself that you can do it. And then go back next week.

The reality is that people like meeting people. You're a people. They will like meeting you, even if you're not perfect. Show up, chat and smile, and shoe up again. They'll recognize that you're a reliable activity partner, and that has value in itself. Be persistent, be friendly, and chill out. It's all going to be ok.

[Enail]

Sorry you've been having a hard time finding a suitable, non-drunk therapist, that sounds like a pain.

As well as what others have suggested, maybe write down what that Major you impressed said and keep it somewhere you'll see it regularly? Or anything else that reminds you of experiences and accomplishments that make you proud.

[Guest]

Sorry you've been having a hard time finding a suitable, non-drunk therapist, that sounds like a pain.

As well as what others have suggested, maybe write down what that Major you impressed said and keep it somewhere you'll see it regularly? Or anything else that reminds you of experiences and accomplishments that make you proud.

Good Idea! But the thing is, I'll be seeing him more often, I am transferring to his unit. So, it's somewhat good news.

P.S. How you've been? I have not heard from you in a while.

[Enail]

That does sound like good news, congratulations!

(I'm doing fine, thanks for asking! I just haven't had much in the way of advice for your most recent threads.)

[Guest]

That does sound like good news, congratulations!

(I'm doing fine, thanks for asking! I just haven't had much in the way of advice for your most recent threads.)

Well that is good news, but that solves only one aspect of the problem. I still can't shake the feeling that I am invisible, socially, professionally and (You guessed it...) sexually. I feel that I need non stop praise and compliments just to keep going, I think that I am incapable of praising and recognizing the positive aspects of me. (I SWEAR, THIS MOTHERFUCKING JERKBRAIN IS STARTING TO GET ON MY FUCKING NERVES!! :shout: )

Now I see why you ask me to go to therapy... now I see it.

Also, is it wrong or rude to ask for praise and compliments? I desperately NEED them...

[Enail]

I think it's okay to let your friends know that it makes a big difference to you to hear them say positive things, because people often just assume good things can go unsaid. But a lot of people aren't very good at giving praise or compliments, so not everyone will actually follow through, and it can put someone in an awkward position if you put them on the spot and ask for them. It's great that you realize that the ultimate goal is to become able to recognize your good points for yourself, that can be a tough thing to grasp!

[Guest]

I think it's okay to let your friends know that it makes a big difference to you to hear them say positive things, because people often just assume good things can go unsaid. But a lot of people aren't very good at giving praise or compliments, so not everyone will actually follow through, and it can put someone in an awkward position if you put them on the spot and ask for them. It's great that you realize that the ultimate goal is to become able to recognize your good points for yourself, that can be a tough thing to grasp!

Well, I found someone to talk to (Not exactly a therapist, more like a counselor... or is it the same thing?), so I'll be able to get a few things off my chest. Hooray for small Victories!

PS. Check your PM.

[Enail]

That's great! I hope they're helpful.

...I don't have anything from you in my PMs. Try again?

[Guest]

That's great! I hope they're helpful.

...I don't have anything from you in my PMs. Try again?

On the way, See if you got it now.

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