Non Gender-Specific Creeps of OLD

[Guest]

You guys.  I know we've discussed on the main site about odd/creepy/hilarious messages we've received, but I got a doozy this morning and wanted to share it.  I'd like others to be able to do the same, hence this thread. In the interests of keeping it fair, I propose a few rules:

• No usernames.  No doubt some of these people deserve naming and shaming, but it seems unsporting to do so here.
  
• No mocking people because they have a fetish you don't share.  Clarification below.
  
• Please remove any personal information about either you or your messager which would be identifying/incriminating.
  

OK, that said, I recognise that this guy has a fetish, and there is nothing wrong with his fetish.  However, this is the very first time he messaged me, he got my colouring wrong, and his description of... well, you'll see... cracked me up.  Enjoy:

Good Morning Miss Ember,

how are you?
Not enough radiant, green-eyed, red-haired, book-reading, cat-loving ladies on here if you ask me....
Now I know this is an unusual icebreaker, but I was wondering if you might enjoy intimately enveloping exotic, unusual, yet deliciously tactile items in a sensual, indulgent, empowering way? If so I have a suggestion you might find arousing...are you curious to hear, even if only to smile at it?

Ps. you have a beautiful babysoft porcelain complexion...x

!!!  Will post my reply if required, but in the meantime, what oddnesses have you kept in your Inbox to chuckle over?

[eselle28]

This one's from a couple months ago:

how can i worship you Mistress?

My profile has no sexual content whatsoever, so he came to the conclusion that it would be appropriate to send me this message based on the answers to two or three questions. Also, who talks to people like that, outside of a specific roleplaying scenario? His guess is actually pretty close to right, but I really don't want to play with someone who doesn't grasp the concept of ordinary conversation.

[BiSian]

Oooh fun story time!

Doucebag #1
Ideal date. Text at first. Plan date. Go through date. Go back with each other. I peel thong out of your ass. We fuck. We go on second date without awkward sexual tension. We have good times, and be good friends. 1 for yes, 2 for no. 3 if you laughed out loud.

Bisian: Number 4: Fail!
And blocked...
I have since learned that Douchebage #1 has sent this message to pretty much the entire female population of my largish city.

Oblivious
Hi. I'm from <redacted>. I'm in Bisian's City this week. I'm staying at Pretentious Expensive Hotel, in downtown . I have a beautiful view. )
I'm VERY interested in taking you out to an awesome restaurant, just to enjoy my time with you and my time in City. Please let me know if you can meet tonight.

BiSian: Do you realize that your message sound like you're looking for a hooker? "I'm staying at this fancy hotel, come see me tonight"

Oblivious: I would love to be your friend. You seem like you have a really cool personality. I was particularly amused <thing from Bisian's profile>. hahah omg, I do the same thing.

Are you natively from City? You seem like a really incredible woman. Its too bad I won't be there next week. You should come and visit me sometime in Other City. I'm actually a pilot as well, so I can definitely teach you how to fly planes, if you so desired.

The second one made me giggle--pretty sure the dude was oblivious to how he sounded like he was looking for a free prostitute. Not gross and he made an effort but it still bugged me.

[UristMcBunny]

I peel thong out of your ass.

...Why did he think this would come across well? Even if I was up for some NSA sex that line would put me right off!

[BiSian]

I peel thong out of your ass.

...Why did he think this would come across well?  Even if I was up for some NSA sex that line would put me right off!

Because he is a rather stupid person.
Honestly, I wasn't too annoyed with the message til I got to that line. And then...gross.
Also the fact that it is very obviously a carpet-bombing.

[BiSian]

"I really don't want to play with someone who doesn't grasp the concept of ordinary conversation."

OMG eselle! I may have to steal this line and use it in my profile.

Also, from Tinder, so yeah:

Dude: How about some Chinese food and sex?
BiSian: Nah, Chinese food in City is crap.
Dude: How about some Pho and sex?
BiSian: Does this game ever work out for ya?
UNMATCHED

[Guest]

Today: "Would you like to play a game? "

I hear ominous music playing in my head. Some barely-understood super-sense tells me he doesn't mean Ludo...

[Gentleman Johnny]

Never trust anyone who uses the word "porcelain" to describe people. He's probably a goth or a poet and we know how sketchy those guys are.

[Guest]

As long as he writes in limericks, I could actually go for that.

(Not the same guy, by the way, game-playing man less articulate than porcelain-intimate-envelope man, sadly )

[nearly_takuan]

Shall I compare thee to a toilet seat?
Thou art more smooth and fairer still:
At Night my loo doth lack good heat,
And not 'til I'm done departs the chill;
And e'en should I visit it at Day,
I'd risk the splash of water pooled too near;
And when too long I am compelled to stay,
The pressure leaves its mark upon my rear;
Thy porcelain complexion shall not stain:
'Twould weather waters, were they too unsoft;
And ne'er could thy edges cause such pain,
So 'tween the two I'd visit thee more oft;

So long as nature's call bids men to shit,
So long I'll wish to touch things to thy clit.

[Guest]

<3 <3 <3 That was AMAZING!

[Werel]

Sonnet 18 but BETTER

WUNDERBAR.

[ggobsessed]

"You look like you give great head."

I just wrote back, "HAAAAA." And, um, I did not receive a response.

I also got, "I wanna fuck you in the bathroom." Which, I mean, for a conversation starter, it surely beats anything Mr. Darcy ever said to Elizabeth.

[reboundstudent]

I also got, "I wanna fuck you in the bathroom." Which, I mean, for a conversation starter, it surely beats anything Mr. Darcy ever said to Elizabeth.

Yeah, no.

[Guest]

"My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I wish to penetrate your ladyparts in the water closet."

[Guest]

There was one lady who I matched with on Tinder whom I accidentally hit 'like' on.

Her message to me was "I want you to be my sex slave."

I shit you not. :I

[Guest]

Whoa. Did you reply? Something along the lines of, "That is not as sexy a come-on as you evidently think it is."

[Nerdator]

Doubling down could have been a fun retort: "and I want you to be on the receiving end of my human dismemberment fetish".

[Conreezy]

Doubling down could have been a fun retort: "and I want you to be on the receiving end of my human dismemberment fetish".

[Guest]

Whoa.  Did you reply?  Something along the lines of, "That is not as sexy a come-on as you evidently think it is."

I did not reply, I very quickly blocked and unmatched with a whopping can of nope-nope-nope. I have no idea why they did that (although maybe she did it on purpose so I would be creeped out). In hindsight it's pretty funny because of how outlandish it was.

And @Nerdator, I ain't that mean lol.

[fakely mctest]

Never trust anyone who uses the word "porcelain" to describe people. He's probably a goth or a poet and we know how sketchy those guys are.

See, I went straight to serial killer.

On occasion I used to write to far away dudes who seemed cool as a "hey, we won't date but I liked your profile" sort of thing. One of those guys was actually in my city for the weekend or something and went down a similar free hooker path with me before I blocked him. He didn't even offer dinner because it was something like 1:00am and I was like: sure thing am I going to get out of my comfy comfy PJs to go to some stranger's hotel room. SEEMS LEGIT.

[ggobsessed]

"My feelings will not be repressed.  You must allow me to tell you how ardently I wish to penetrate your ladyparts in the water closet."

HAHAHA. Genius.

[Stumbles]

Oh man! I wish I saved the original tinder message I received about a year ago. The guy basically said, "I want to pound you like the sword in the stone."

I instantly blocked him and I think he had his analogies a bit confused. You don't want to pound the sword in, you want to pull it out and become the king of England...right? I 'unno. Awkward pick up lines are awkward.

Another gem from OkCupid:

Dude: A body prided upon aesthetics and sexuality. Meet fate at the other end of the alley and keep walking. Relay a message of freedom, but creativity lies in the arms of embrace. Clinging to company to feel a sense of purpose. Do you really think you're searching in the right places? Should you be searching at all? Like a swift hammer, your heart anticipates and cracks. Logic dictates the sequence will be duplicated... Regress to progress

Me: o.0?

Were you high when you wrote this?

Dude: No I wasn't

I stopped contact after that. I still have no idea what this person was getting at. I'm...shallow?

[Nerdator]

Dude: A body prided upon aesthetics and sexuality. Meet fate at the other end of the alley and keep walking. Relay a message of freedom, but creativity lies in the arms of embrace. Clinging to company to feel a sense of purpose. Do you really think you're searching in the right places? Should you be searching at all? Like a swift hammer, your heart anticipates and cracks. Logic dictates the sequence will be duplicated... Regress to progress

This bit looks like something pulled out of Google Translate and slightly brushed up – or a synonymiser of sorts. Although even software isn't this terrible at making complete sentences: you do need a thick skull in addition to that thick thesaurus for that.

[Guest]

Stumbles, I WTFd so much at that message I think I went all the way through WTF and into an alternate dimension where it made perfect sense. That may have been the peyote, though.

Today's haul:
1) A racist, nationalist homophobe who was unexpectedly gracious when I politely turned him down
2) Some otherwise-normal looking person who keeps going on about how he likes the little ones (Little what? Boobs? Humans?)
3) Raging woman-hater, nevertheless puzzled that I won't go out with him
4) Married guy who sent me a super-sexual message and then dialled WAY back into the (im)plausible deniability when I called him on it

Le sigh. AND BLOCKED.

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