Re: Depression and dating

[ReploidArmada]

Yeah, may as well... I don't see myself feeling much better before tomorrow morning, but I still have a few minutes before I have to go to sleep. This has just been an *exceptionally* bad night, and even more so with that Day of Complete And Utter Romantic Failure looming overhead, threatening another decade of being an unloved, unlovable, lonely, depressed, single, virginal ReploidArmada.

[Enail]

Reploid, I'm sorry you're feeling so bad now. Don't forget that you are still dealing with depression, and it is going to magnify those bad days into overwhelming hopelessness, but a bad day is something that can happen to anyone, not a sign that everything will be terrible forever.  Take care of yourself and ride out the feelings.

You mentioned that you feel like you're slightly connecting with the people you're spending time around - that is visible progress, and it is progress on the same track that will improve your romantic prospects. Visible progress means you're improving quickly, even though it doesn't feel like it. It means that things will not always be as they are, that things are already not now as they were.

Keep working on connecting with people and being comfortable with being social. Try not to worry about getting a relationship or developing relationship-focused skills too much; you're moving fast, even though it doesn't feel like it, but you're pushing yourself to move even faster, much faster than is reasonable to expect of yourself. And I think that's harmful to both your ability to progress socially - pressuring yourself into desperation is not putting yourself in a flattering light - and to your recovery from depression - having a voice telling you everything you're doing is worthless because it's not launching you flying immediately to X big goal is not exactly conducive to encouraging self-esteem and continued effort.  You are doing great. You need to acknowledge that and support yourself in recovering and developing your social skills, because that is what will get you there.

[ReploidArmada]

Thankfully I haven't done anything harmful to myself yet, even with the horrible mood I was in last night. Even if I wanted to drink myself into a coma, we don't have any alcohol here, and I don't feel like purchasing any anytime soon. Right now I'm also home from work and I have a kitty to hug :3

One of the hardest things I feel like I'll need to overcome is that desire, that desperation, to get into a romantic relationship as soon as possible. I'm still very afraid that I'll remain in this sort of position for the next few years, forced to sit back and watch all of my friends find partners and marry while I'm just sitting alone at home with a cat, a gallon tub of ice cream, and no hope for love. I'm *hoping* that my soon-to-be-resumed therapist support will begin to help me work on overcoming that fear - I'm trying to get an appointment scheduled for the 17th - but even so, it's most likely going to take a long time to see the results that I want, and there's probably going to be a voice in the back of my head saying that it's taking too long for me to get what I should have had several years ago.

[Prajnaparamita]

Thankfully I haven't done anything harmful to myself yet, even with the horrible mood I was in last night. Even if I wanted to drink myself into a coma, we don't have any alcohol here, and I don't feel like purchasing any anytime soon. Right now I'm also home from work and I have a kitty to hug :3

Hey Reploid, I'm sorry I didn't respond to this sooner, I too had something of a rough night myself and honestly I was a little too freaked out about you to regard myself as being able to respond in a coherent manner. (Your comments about drinking yourself to sleep freaked me out a little because a dear friend of mine who's also in recovery from major depression had a sudden downturn and without telling anyone started doing some serious drinking as a way to get through, and is currently involuntarily held in a state institution after drowning a bottle of pills with vodka for the second time in a row in a moment of drunken desperation. That has absolutely nothing to do with you, but I felt like I was going to end up going OH GOD NO PLEASE DON'T DO THAT and freaking out helps no one. All that matters in the end is that you managed to make it through the night, and did what you needed to do. And I don't think I need to tell you that alcohol is an acute coping mechanism that should be avoided as best you can.) I'm glad you have a kitty to hug.

One of the hardest things I feel like I'll need to overcome is that desire, that desperation, to get into a romantic relationship as soon as possible. I'm still very afraid that I'll remain in this sort of position for the next few years, forced to sit back and watch all of my friends find partners and marry while I'm just sitting alone at home with a cat, a gallon tub of ice cream, and no hope for love. I'm *hoping* that my soon-to-be-resumed therapist support will begin to help me work on overcoming that fear - I'm trying to get an appointment scheduled for the 17th - but even so, it's most likely going to take a long time to see the results that I want, and there's probably going to be a voice in the back of my head saying that it's taking too long for me to get what I should have had several years ago.

I guess I would want to say that while I totally think having a therapist is important (is this the person you were seeing before that you said you clicked with?) and I believe they would be able to help you manage and productively channel these feelings far more than I, or anyone else here could, what I wonder is if you could think about is how you could start to acknowledge those feelings right now without letting them overwhelm you? I absolutely can see how much pain they are causing you, and how quickly "I feel lonely now" can spiral into "I'm going to feel lonely forever", and it is totally true that you do feel lonely at the moment, and have reasons for feeling that way, that doesn't actually mean that the rest of your life is going to play out that way. This is something I struggle with a lot, because I am a very emotional person and I often get overwhelmed by my emotions, and so I'll get into moments where I'll end up deciding that the entire rest of my life is going be just like how it is right at this very moment. Your emotions at the moment right now are real, and I don't want to diminish them at all, but they also aren't the ultimate arbitrators of your fate. I wish it was possible for you to somehow dial them down somewhat now, because they clearly aren't helpful and really just tearing you up right now, and I don't want you to be in pain like this.

But besides kitty and ice cream, do you have any other pleasurable distractions available to engage in when you just need to get out of your thoughts? Or even if not things you're wild about, just ways you can keep yourself busy? Sometimes when its just not possible to counter negative thoughts with positive ones, its still possible to just divert your thoughts to something completely different, for the moment at least. When it comes to those sudden dips in mood, just getting from moment to moment is the best you can do.

Okay, Prajna really should stop giving advice now, because she is overtired and might not be half as coherent as she thinks she is. I hope some of this might be helpful to you somewhat, even if its just knowing that there are people here who really like you and want you to be doing well.

[ReploidArmada]

I want to apologize for making you guys worry about me earlier this week... I am safe, and I'm still hanging in there... Even with how hopeless, depressed, frustrated, lonely, unlovable, and *insert adjective here* I feel right now, and how badly V-Day affects me... I'm still hanging in there, somehow.

Usually, if I need to calm myself down a little, I'll either cuddle with kitty, take a nap, or play some video games I like. I'm really fond of soft things, whether it's my blankies and pillows or my fluffy little furball of a kitty. I wish I had more of a sex drive right now, though... I have to essentially force myself to masturbate, and lately I just haven't cared enough to. If that keeps up then maybe I should be glad I'm not in a relationship... At least, except for all of the other parts I'm still desperate to have in my life D:

[Gentleman Johnny]

No shame in doing what you have to do to keep your spirits up, or at least a bit higher. I've got a scented oil warmer, a particular meditation album and a big stuffed panther for the same reason.

[reboot]

I want to apologize for making you guys worry about me earlier this week... I am safe, and I'm still hanging in there... Even with how hopeless, depressed, frustrated, lonely, unlovable, and *insert adjective here* I feel right now, and how badly V-Day affects me... I'm still hanging in there, somehow.

Usually, if I need to calm myself down a little, I'll either cuddle with kitty, take a nap, or play some video games I like. I'm really fond of soft things, whether it's my blankies and pillows or my fluffy little furball of a kitty. I wish I had more of a sex drive right now, though... I have to essentially force myself to masturbate, and lately I just haven't cared enough to. If that keeps up then maybe I should be glad I'm not in a relationship... At least, except for all of the other parts I'm still desperate to have in my life D:

My roommate, the battle scarred, bad ass former Marine steals my pashmina and my cat and my dog and my incense burner and my buckwheat pillow when he has bad spells. Whatever works. And do not press or force the sex drive. It should be for pleasure, not duty or "because you should be masturbating". Right now that energy is focused elsewhere. It will come back when you are more settled. Forcing masturbation or faking desire can build some mental connections you are better off not having.

[ReploidArmada]

I had such a nice dream last night... In it one of my previously desired ladies ended up moving into our house for one reason or another, and then from there we slowly fell in love... Unfortunately that's all I have right now, dreams and fantasies

Anyway, update time. This past week was... interesting, because my dad (who tends to get upset very quickly if he doesn't get his way) cajoled me into working on Tuesday instead of Wednesday, then cajoled me again into working on Wednesday, and tried to do the same thing for this past Friday. I have a therapy appointment scheduled for this upcoming Tuesday, thankfully, but I don't remember if I have another psychiatrist appointment set up yet.

Speaking of which, I think my short-term memory is getting a bit worse, and I feel like I'm projecting an aura of desperation (well, more of one than usual) when I'm out and about, especially when I see beautiful girls and ladies. There's still no self-esteem or hope to speak of...

[The Wisp]

I had such a nice dream last night... In it one of my previously desired ladies ended up moving into our house for one reason or another, and then from there we slowly fell in love... Unfortunately that's all I have right now, dreams and fantasies

Anyway, update time. This past week was... interesting, because my dad (who tends to get upset very quickly if he doesn't get his way) cajoled me into working on Tuesday instead of Wednesday, then cajoled me again into working on Wednesday, and tried to do the same thing for this past Friday. I have a therapy appointment scheduled for this upcoming Tuesday, thankfully, but I don't remember if I have another psychiatrist appointment set up yet.

Speaking of which, I think my short-term memory is getting a bit worse, and I feel like I'm projecting an aura of desperation (well, more of one than usual) when I'm out and about, especially when I see beautiful girls and ladies. There's still no self-esteem or hope to speak of...

I know it's really hard, man. You have my full sympathies.

Have patience. It takes a long time to build up self-esteem and confidence, but it will happen if you keep working at one small step at a time

[Prajnaparamita]

Speaking of which, I think my short-term memory is getting a bit worse, and I feel like I'm projecting an aura of desperation (well, more of one than usual) when I'm out and about, especially when I see beautiful girls and ladies. There's still no self-esteem or hope to speak of...

What you're saying about your memory worries me some. I know it was a long time ago, so perhaps my memory about this isn't clear, but I think I remember you describing in the pre-ECT days suffering a lot of depressive symptoms that used to be categorized as "pseudo-dementia", which includes things like constant fogginess, struggles with memory, alertness and retention, which often come along with severe depression.

Are you meeting with a therapist currently? I don't know how much I know about your current treatment situation, but it sounds like you've been dealing with a lot of negative thoughts recently, which sound like they've been compounding on each other and dragging you down emotionally, even as you have more energy and capacity then you did before. If you do have a therapist, have you been talking with that person about your feelings of loneliness and isolation and desire to have relationships, romantic and platonic? That sounds like something they could help you find concrete steps to work towards, and find compassionate ways to take care of yourself and not be so hard on yourself for where you are right now.

I'm so sorry to hear that things are still so rough for you right now. I've rejected pretty much everything about the religion I was raised in, but I think there's something to be said for the Quaker concept of "holding you in the light" and that's what I'm going to try to do right now.

[ReploidArmada]

I have an appointment with a therapist scheduled for a few days from now, but it's my first appointment with said therapist. We had to play phone tag for a week or two just to set up an initial appointment :S

Also yes, I do remember having symptoms like that. The ECT helped considerably, at least short-term, but I wonder if those issues are coming back...? Also also, I think my sex drive might be coming back because of the wellbutrin my current psych put me on, but whether it is or not is anyone's guess.

[Werel]

Speaking of which, I think my short-term memory is getting a bit worse, and I feel like I'm projecting an aura of desperation (well, more of one than usual) when I'm out and about, especially when I see beautiful girls and ladies. There's still no self-esteem or hope to speak of...

What you're saying about your memory worries me some. I know it was a long time ago, so perhaps my memory about this isn't clear, but I think I remember you describing in the pre-ECT days suffering a lot of depressive symptoms that used to be categorized as "pseudo-dementia", which includes things like constant fogginess, struggles with memory, alertness and retention, which often come along with severe depression.

I get this too during depressive episodes. My current medication helps a lot with it-- have you noticed a "sharpening" of cognitive ability from your current meds? Are they working okay for you otherwise? One of my tipoffs that I've plateaued on a particular medication (and might want to consider switching) is that I start feeling much dumber, and have much more trouble with short-term memory.

As for Wellbutrin and sex drive, YMMV, but that particular med was a massive libido-killer for me. Could be that a returning interest in sex is an indication that things are getting a little better overall? I hope so.

And hope your appointment with the new therapist went well (if it's already happened) or will go well soon-- sending you good vibes. Hope you connect well with this person and are able to build a good working relationship.

[ReploidArmada]

I don't think I've been on the Wellbutrin long enough to notice a major change in my cognitive abilities, but I'll see where I'm at a few weeks or months from now. Also, I did have a wonderful appointment with my therapist, but she's leaving three weeks from now, and so at that point I'll just be reassigned to someone else anyway. However, I did have a nice half-hour of talking about how I've been feeling lately, and I hope that my new new therapist is someone I can work with for a long time.

I also managed to get myself a reduced-fare bus pass while I was out and about today, so that should save me some monies

[ReploidArmada]

Things just seem to be steadily getting worse. What little hope I've scrounged together is fading away, my continued feeling of impossibility towards things changing is just making me morbid, my continued loneliness is dragging me further and further down, I'm constantly worried that my old ball-of-fur kitty will pass away soon, and my few sparse attempts at socialization seem to be getting more and more pointless.

Also, I think my recent surge in libido is already over... Of course things can't be good for me

[Enail]

Sorry to hear things haven't been going well. Have you had a follow-up with the doctor supervising your treatment recently? It's too bad that you're switching therapists so soon, it sounds like now's a time when you could use one to talk to.

I hope things feel better soon. I wish much health to your kitty.

[ReploidArmada]

Yeah, I wish I could have a consistent therapist right now, but 'tis not to be. I'm actually also switching psychiatrists soon too, since my last one was contracted by the clinic and is now gone. Perhaps that's for the better (I didn't really click with him, and he wanted a follow-up three months out instead of one) but still, I don't need this external turmoil in my life. I have more than enough to go around just from my head being fucked up beyond comprehension.

As for my kitty, he's doing fine physically, but he's a very old kitty, probably about 16+ or 17+ years at this point. Kitties don't usually live much longer than that

[ReploidArmada]

It's been several weeks now since I was told that my therapy case would be reassigned to a new therapist, but so far I've heard nothing about it. I had a reminder card in my wallet from my clinic that I didn't quite remember getting, but it was for a psychiatric follow-up appointment, and not a new therapy intake. Quite why I was assigned to someone who was already on their way out anyway, I'm not sure, but this is something I've been forced to deal with. It's a shame, too... I feel like my nervous breakdowns are getting a little better, but I still don't feel like I'm any closer to untangling this outright mess of loneliness, despair, and interconnected catch-22s... It's still hard to stay positive about things

[Enail]

Ugh, that's so frustrating, having to wait so long. It sounds like maybe you'll need to follow up with them. Nervous breakdowns getting better is really good, though! Don't diminish your successes!

[ReploidArmada]

Well, okay, I thought they were getting better. My mind is still as fragile as it ever was, though, so I don't think anything's different there. I did hear back from my new new therapist earlier today, since the clinic seemed to have forgotten that my therapy case was just floating in the aether for a figurative eternity, but I need to work out what hours to set up appointments for. My preferred time isn't available for months, so it's either Monday evening after work or Friday afternoon at a different location. Granted, the secondary location isn't too far away from the clinic, but I would need to find it since it's on a college campus.

I thought I was doing everything right, from holding a part-time job to taking my medications to making sure I was spending time around friends, but... There's still so very far to go, isn't there?

[Enail]

It sounds like you are doing everything right, those are absolutely huge things, and you should be really proud of doing all that. Think back to a year ago - this would have seemed like an amazingly long way to go. Some of this stuff will take time, but you're moving pretty darn fast, and I bet a lot of it won't be anywhere near as far to go as you think!

[reboot]

It sounds like you are doing everything right, those are absolutely huge things, and you should be really proud of doing all that. Think back to a year ago - this would have seemed like an amazingly long way to go. Some of this stuff will take time, but you're moving pretty darn fast, and I bet a lot of it won't be anywhere near as far to go as you think!

I have to agree with enail. The progress you have made is amazing. I know it is easy to get impatient because you want it all fixed NOW, but you are making great strides. You do not even sound like the same person as the one who posted in the old forum!

[ReploidArmada]

Well okay, I thought I had my first appointment with my new new therapist earlier today, but sadly no... I forgot to properly confirm the appointment time and so my therapist struck that appointment off of her schedule I have it rescheduled for next week at the same time, but it's still another week of delays before I can start myself back down the path of recovery :S

In other news, I've been worrying about things a lot lately. Like, most prominently: If I did manage to end up meeting someone cute who was by chance interested in me, what could I offer her? What could I do to entice her to act on her interest, to entice her to agree to a date with me? It's just all so confusing and daunting... I've also noticed my anxiety infecting my work. I've already had a few rather expensive orders break in transit, because UPS intentionally destroys boxes and is the worst thing, so I keep feeling that the next major screw-up will be the one that gets me fired.

I've been trying to keep my chin up, but there's too much going on D:

[Werel]

Just a quick thought on this front:

If I did manage to end up meeting someone cute who was by chance interested in me, what could I offer her?

A lot of my answers to this question are also answers to "why am I a good friend?" (Obviously there are answers which do not overlap with the friend answers, but still). It sounds like you're still pretty isolated socially; it's hard to know what you can offer as a date when you're not really sure how you function in relation to other people in general. Are you still making a concerted effort to meet people, not just to find potential dates, but to learn how to enjoy other people as people? Cause that's a pretty key skill in making yourself attractive: enjoying women's company, and showing that enjoyment, is an important component of being enticing. Can't readily enjoy the company of female people if you're having trouble enjoying the company of people in general.

And again, cosign Enail and reboot that you've made a shit-ton of progress since the old forums. You may not be where you want to be yet, but you're way closer than you were.

(Also, how is UPS breaking boxes in any way your fault? )

[ReploidArmada]

Just a quick thought on this front:

If I did manage to end up meeting someone cute who was by chance interested in me, what could I offer her?

A lot of my answers to this question are also answers to "why am I a good friend?" (Obviously there are answers which do not overlap with the friend answers, but still). It sounds like you're still pretty isolated socially; it's hard to know what you can offer as a date when you're not really sure how you function in relation to other people in general. Are you still making a concerted effort to meet people, not just to find potential dates, but to learn how to enjoy other people as people? Cause that's a pretty key skill in making yourself attractive: enjoying women's company, and showing that enjoyment, is an important component of being enticing. Can't readily enjoy the company of female people if you're having trouble enjoying the company of people in general.

And again, cosign Enail and reboot that you've made a shit-ton of progress since the old forums. You may not be where you want to be yet, but you're way closer than you were.

I don't know if it counts as making a "concerted effort," but I've still been going to a board game store / cafe twice a week for board game reasons, and my Tuesday night group is much larger and tends to involve games with more social aspects. What is perhaps a small problem there is that I don't feel like anyone I spend time with at these meetups is remotely trying to find someone. There is that one time I was burned after getting too interested in one of the servers, of course, but I haven't been getting any signals that the other people I'm with are even considering the idea of dating anyone, much less someone like me.

And, of course, since I'm making minimum wage at part-time (even though it went up very slightly here in Seattle a month ago), I barely have enough money to go anywhere else or do other things that might have more singles nearby. My lack of car and driver's license is also hurting me very badly, since I only get to go to a small list of locations - most of which are bars that I wouldn't step foot in anyway.

If there's one upside to all of this, I suppose it might be that I feel like I legitimately enjoy the usual crowd's company, but I have no clue if that's helping me at all. I feel like this is an instance of me doing things without knowing how or why I'm doing them, which forecasts only bad things for my social and romantic lives going forward. My forum signature is pretty accurate here. If love truly is a game, then mine was shipped without instructions, and both my lonely, loveless, sexless jerkbrain and society as a general whole expect me to instinctively know what to do, as well as how and when to do it.

(Also, how is UPS breaking boxes in any way your fault? )

My part-time job has been with a company that, in part, receives and ships orders for beauty products - and a lot of them are either fragile, very overpriced and expensive, or both. I've been told off on having large orders with my packing signature show up at their destination either damaged or destroyed multiple times, and right now I'm just fearful that it's going to happen again, and that the next occurrence is going to be the one that gets me fired. It would be extra painful for me particularly, since my dad basically got me the job and I've been working alongside him, so if I get myself fired it will make him look bad - and then he'll take it out on me.

[ReploidArmada]

Well, I had my first appointment with my new therapist this past Monday, and I think it went well I really missed having a therapist over the last year or so, so being able to see one semi-regularly again would probably help me get over my mental issues and anguish a little faster. Unfortunately, my next appointment is in three weeks, but after that I might be able to get weekly appointments set up.

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